


Behind the Penalty Box

by thesaddestboner



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Concussions, Crack, F/M, Gen, Hallucinations, Homophobic Language, Implied Murder, M/M, Offensive Humor, Recreational Drug Use, Screenplay/Script Format, Sexist Language, Supernatural Elements, Temporary Character Death, Time Travel, Wish-Granting Leprechauns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-12-31
Updated: 2001-12-31
Packaged: 2018-01-10 14:33:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 102
Words: 90,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1160819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesaddestboner/pseuds/thesaddestboner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Back in the day, I wrote this really long stupid thing. It's really long and stupid and I'm putting it here for reasons. There are lots of dumb jokes, including sexist and homophobic jokes (I think).  I would suggest you actually just don't read this.</p><p>This is what I was doing with myself when I was in high school.</p><p>If I had ever finished this, it was going to just end up being a fever dream of Eric Lindros' or something.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The First Chapter

**Author's Note:**

  * For [haycorn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/haycorn/gifts).



> You can find me on [twitter](http://twitter.com/thesaddestboner) and [tumblr](http://saddestboner.tumblr.com).

Joe Sakic, captain of the Avalanche and a beautiful man, stared at his reflection in his mirror, patting his glossy black hair. "Damn I'm beautiful." 

"I agree," said a voice from out of nowhere. 

Joe leaped to his feet, his mirror crashing to the ground and shattering. "Who the hell said that?!" screamed Sakic, frightfully. 

"It is I, your teammate Patrick Roy," said the person to whom the voice belonged. 

Joe squinted. "You don't look like Patty." 

The figure coughed. "Oh drat." It vanished in a poof of smoke. 

"Damn," said Joe, out loud, "that was wicked weird. I should stop drinking milk past the expiration date." Sakic dropped the carton of old milk into the trash and went to his computer. 

**HOT4SAKS:** Hey Foppa, how's Sweden????  
 **4SBERG:** It's cold. I miss hockey and I miss Colorado.  
 **HOT4SAKS:** We miss u 2. Plz come home. We lost 2 the Red Wings, the RED WINGS! I h8 not having u on the team! COME HOME!  
 **4SBERG:** I'll think about it, Joe. I like not having to do jackshit and still make a lot of money off my child laborers... I mean, Forsberg brand sneakers.  
 **HOT4SAKS:** If u don't come back, I'll make Blake permanent alternate captain!!!!  
 **4SBERG:** You wouldn't! ASSHOLE! I am leaving now!  
 **4SBERG has logged off**


	2. More Randomness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get even weirder and dumber.

"I will NOT pick up my underwear," screamed Sergei Fedorov, petulantly. "You're my wife, pick them up!" 

Anna Kournikova, tennis diva, glared at her husband, angrily. "Well, my ASS makes more money than you do in a season, so YOU pick up your dirty underwear!" 

Sergei scowled at her. "Don't know why I took you back... Shoulda let Pavel have you..." 

"WHAT was what?" screamed Anna. 

"Nothing, pookie." Sergei grabbed up his underwear and stormed into the laundry room. Spotting Anna's lingerie, he got an evil idea. Sergei picked her white delicate unmentionables and dumped them in the washing machine along with his assortment of red silk boxers. "Hehehe, that'll show you, you nag." 

A little while later... 

Anna sat on the porch in her bikini, sunning herself, when there was a poof of smoke. "Ack, Sergei! What did you blow up THIS time?!" she hollered, waving the smoke out of her face. "It took us five months to repair the toaster!" 

"I'm not Sergei," said the voice. 

Anna looked at her Long Island Iced Tea and poured out the rest. "Don't harm me! I have a wonderful, rich, handsome husband! Harm him instead!" 

The figure coughed. "Are you Amanda Coetzer?" 

"No, I'm Anna Kournikova. How the hell could you confuse me with that ugly horse-faced _sooka_?" asked Anna, angrily. 

"Oh, sorry, wrong house. Toodles." The figure disappeared in a poof of smoke. 

"Someone's a pyromaniac," snapped Anna. "SERGEI! We need guard dogs! Some weird dude in a cape just harassed me!" 

Sergei groaned. "I wish he'd have taken you with him." 

"WHAT did you say?" trilled Anna. 

Sergei opened the drier and grinned when he realized his red boxers had ruined Anna's lingerie. "Nothing, dear."


	3. Crazy Stuff Happens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now with 110% more bad French accents!

"And I saw a poof of smoke and then 'e was gone," said Patrick Roy, as he lay on his back in the psychologist's office.

"Are you sure it was a he?" asked his shrink.

"Yeah, pretty sure." Patrick sighed. "Am I going nuts, doc?"

"Isn't the term 'nuts' objective, Patty?" asked his shrink. "One might say you have an active imagination."

"But dat's da problem," said Roy. "I 'AVE no imagination. I'm pretty sure I saw a person in a black robe disappear into a smoke cloud."

The doctor frowned. "Are you on drugs?"

"No, not dat I know of," said Patrick. "But my psychiatrist prescribed me dese pills. 'e says dey'll 'elp me wit my blood pressure and 'e gave me pills for my anxiety, pills for my anger and pills for PMS."

The doctor nodded. "Okay. That'll be five hundred bucks."

Patrick growled. "I'm not paying you five 'undred bucks for you to tell me I'm only imaginative! What a ripoff. I'm outta 'ere." Roy stormed off in a huff.


	4. Patty's Evil Plot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This reminds me I was also writing a Patrick Roy crackfic once upon a time.

Patty glared. "I can't believe you're sitting me out. I want to play! Dis is an important game against da Red Wings! You can't bench me!"

"I can and I will," said Sakic. "Hartley will do anything I tell him to."

Patty pouted, folding his arms across his chest. "Well... You'll regret it, Sakic! I'll make sure you do!"

"Oh, what are you going to do, Patty?" asked Sakic, smiling evilly.

Patty scratched his head and thought for a minute. "I'll...I'll tink of someting!" He ran off howling.

"I think he's overstressed," said Sakic, as the Avalanche players sat in the visitor's lockerroom at the Joe Louis Arena. He pulled on his garter. "He needs a vacation."

"He needs electroshock therapy," said Blake.

The door opened and Patty marched in, wearing a Rambo costume he'd taken out of Salvation Army Hallowe'en costume giveaway. "You'll be sorry for not letting me play!" he hollered.

"What's with the eyeshadow," asked Foote.

"Dis isn't eyeshadow," he whined. "It's camouflage!"

Joe Sakic put an arm around Patty's shoulders. "We're thinking this flu i±s taking a lot out of you, particularly your sanity, Patty... Why don't you run back to the hotel and take a nap or something..."

Patty sputtered, clenching his hands into little fists. "Well....well...I licked all the phones and doorknobs, you guys are so screwed in 3-5 days!"

All of the players shared 'looks'.

"Gross. I licked the doorknobs too," wailed Milan Hejduk.

"And WHY would you do that?" asked Alex Tanguay.

"To see what they tasted like. Why else?" asked Milan. "And now I licked Patty's saliva! I'm going to get flu!"

Patty grinned. "My evil plan is set in motion... I mean, toodles, I'm off to the hotel to nap." He pranced off, humming to himself.

"I licked the doorknobs too," said Sakic.

Bob Hartley sighed, rolling his eyes. "I've got a buncha lunatics on da team. Yer all a buncha lunatics." He crumpled his papers into a ball and tossed them onto the floor. "Dere's no way in 'ell we're gonna beat da Red Wings wit DIS groupa guys." He curled into a ball on the floor and began to weep.

"Uh coach," said Shjon Podein, raising his hand.

"Whaddaya want," asked Hartley, from his spot on the floor.

"I licked your telephone." 

Hartley began to twitch. "I don't think this is a good sign," said Sakic.

"We'll do better without him or Patty," said Blake. "Let's go!"

Sakic stopped the team before they could leave. "And one more thing before we go to kick the Wings' asses!"

"What?!" said the team.

"No more licking things!" said Sakic.

"Okay," lied the team, with shifty eyes. 

DA DA DAAAAAAAH!


	5. Eric Lindros Sees Dead People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dumb concussion jokes and dumb daddy jokes. I'm sorry world.

Eric Lindros sat in his study, drawing pictures of Jaromir Jagr on a notepad with little Xs for eyes, when there was a poof of smoke.

Some British dude in a black turtleneck appeared out of a column of smoke. "Errrric," said the voice.

"Dad?" Eric asked, reaching under his desk for his baseball bat. "Damn autograph hounds."

"I'm not your dad OR an autograph hound," said the figure in black. "I'm an hallucination, a product of your latest concussion."

"It wasn't a concussion," said Lindros. "It was just a bump on the head."

"Same thing," said the imposing figure. 

"I see dead people," said Eric.

"I'm not dead, I'm undead," said the person.

Eric gasped. "A vampire!"

"No, just undead," the figure in black snapped. "Now shut up and listen to me. You're the only one who truly understands me, Eric. You know what it's like to be hated."

Eric thought for a minute. "My daddy says no one hates me."

"Your daddy is a fool," said the guy in the turtleneck. "I can make you rich. Beyond your wildest dreams."

"I own three houses," said Eric, counting them off on his fingers. "One in Maui, one in Daytona Beach and one in...grrrrrr...Philadelphia."

"That's not what I mean. My kind don't measure riches by money," said the figure.

"Well, if THAT'S the case, I'm stayin' right here in New York," said Eric. "Nice meeting you." He picked up his ball of yarn and began batting it around.

The figure slapped Eric on the wrist with a ruler.

"Wow, how'd you do that?" asked Eric.

"Magic. Now listen to me, you little fuzzball, you're going to do my evil bidding and you're going to like it...or ELSE!" boomed the figure.

Eric dropped his ball of yarn. "DADDY!"


	6. Even More Weirdness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> good God.

"Help!"

Steve Yzerman's eyes darted around the empty lockerroom. He was the only one who was supposed to be in here. "Who said that?" he asked. 

"Help me!" said the voice.

Steve growled in anger. "I'm the only one who's supposed to be here right now, so get the hell out!" he said, crossly.

"Fiddlesticks." The person came out from the shadows.

"Wow, a wood nymph!" said Steve.

"Leprechaun. I can grant you three wishes," said the little green dude with pointy ears.

Steve frowned. "GENIES grant wishes... Leprechauns peddle Lucky Charms on TV."

The leprechaun frowned. "Do you want your three wishes or not? I could always give them to Pavel Bure..."

"Uh, no no, that won't be necessary," cried Steve. "Um. For my first wish, I want...I want a six foot long submarine Philly steak and cheese sandwich..."

The leprechaun frowned. "What kind of wish is THAT? Most people ask for money... Or prostitutes... I mean, Jaromir Jagr asked for a haircut."

Steve sighed. "Okay, okay... I'll wish for...world pea-"

"Sorry, can't be done," said the leprechaun.

"Why not?" asked Steve.

"Too hard," he said. "If you don't pick a wish, I'll GIVE you one."

"Okay, okay," said Steve, glaring at the leprechaun, "I wish for you to make me the best looking man on earth...with lots of bulging muscles, blue eyes... Uh, blonde hair, and a big...you know..."

The leprechaun grinned. "Your wish is my command!"

POOF!


	7. Stevie's Wish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which things get meta. And then I kind of quit and started over.

Stevie opened his eyes when the smoke cleared and headed directly for the mirror inside Sergei Fedorov's locker stall. "AAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEE!" he shrieked. 

Hearing the screams of terror, his teammates ran into the lockerroom.

"Whoa, who the hell are YOU?" asked Brendan Shanahan.

"I'm STEVE!" cried Steve. "Don't you recognise me?!"

Brendan and the others shared looks. "Gee... Um... Yeah..." He inched closer to Brett Hull, who was leering at him.

"Come to me, lover," said Brett.

"AUGH!" Brendan shrieked. "Get away from me, Hully!" He leaped into Stevie's arms. "SAVE me Hulk!"

"I'm not Hulk Hogan," he screeched, "I'm STEVIE! This is horrible! I'm going to kill that damn wood nymph!" He tossed Shanahan on the ground and Hull ran to his side, grabbing his hand.

"Marry me my sweet prince," he cooed, lovingly. He tried to kiss Brendan's cheek, but Shanahan bitchslapped the overly amorous Hull on the face. "Why'd you do that, precious?"

"You're getting out of CHARACTER," Shanahan snapped. "Read the script. You're supposed to make some crack about Stevie's hideous appearance and then do an imitation of Mikey Mo hairspraying his bouffant for us." Shanahan pulled a script out from his jeans pocket and handed it to Brett.

"But I wanted to be gay," he whined. "That's much more fun than being annoying."

"Not for ME," said Brendan. "And you know what? This does NOTHING to release the sexual tension."


	8. The Dallas Stars Get Even Weirder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NO THIS HAS A HIT WHY GO AWAY YOU DON'T WANT TO READ THIS SAVE YOUR EYES

-Post-Red Wings/Stars game-  
Derian Hatcher: (enters visitor's lockerroom, flushed.) Guess what, guys?!?!  
Jamie Langenbrunner: (Takes off equipment.) What Der?  
Derian: I got accepted into the underwater ballet team!  
::Flashback::  
Instructor: Sorry Derian, you can't wear your floaties.  
Derian: But I really really want this!  
Instructor: I don't know...  
Derian: (Thinks for a minute.) I'll give you one beeeeelion dollars!  
::End Flashback::  
Eddie Belfour: Heeey!  
Derian: Sooo, what do you guys think?  
Richard Matvichuk: That's so gay.  
Derian: (Scowls.) You're a fine one to talk, eyeliner boy!  
Matty: Hey, who told you that?! (Everyone stares at him.) What?  
Jamie: *I* also have some interesting news to share with you guys.  
Derian: What is it, Jamers?  
Belfour: Jamers?  
Derian: Shut up and finish your vodka, Belfelon.  
Belfour: Okay.  
Jamie: I bought a Cessna and I'm taking flying lessons.  
Derian: Why?  
Jamie: (Shrugs.) I'm rich.  
Marty Turco: Guess what? *I* also have news! (Grins wickedly.)  
All: What is it, Marty? (Are still sore at him for losing the game 5-2.)  
Marty: Wanna know why Eddie's been sucking so bad lately? I put an earwig in his Wheaties during training camp and it ate his brains! (Giggles.)  
Matty: Marty, earwigs don't eat brains.  
Marty: What, they don't? BLAST IT!  
Belfour: (Turns green.) You put an earwig in my breakfast! (Pukes.)  
Mikey Mo: Oh dear, Eddie puked all over his Fubu sweatshirt.  
Derian: (Groans.) Not again. (Shoves Eddie's limp carcass aside.)   
Mikey Mo: (Happily.) *I* also have a funny story to share!  
All: NOOOOOOoooooo!  
Mikey Mo: Doesn't anyone wanna hear my cute story?  
All: NOOOOOOooooooo!  
Mikey Mo: Well, I don't care, I'm telling anyway. It all started when me and my girlfriend, Buffy, were fighting over who used the most hairspray...  
::Flashback::  
Buffy: Mike, you used up my hairspray.  
Mikey Mo: Did not!  
Buffy: The empty can is in your hand. (Points.)  
Mikey Mo: Circumstantial evidence!  
Buffy: I can't believe you would use my hairspray without asking! I'm going to go buy some more and charge it to your credit card! Toodles! (Runs off.)  
Mikey Mo: Hmmm, I really messed that up... (Wanders to closet.) Oooh! Buffy's tulip bulbs! I can plant her flowers for her so she won't have to do it!   
-A few hours later-  
Buffy: Mikey, I'm home. I brought you your favorite, Krispy Kreme donuts covered in Maple Syrup.  
Mikey Mo: (Enters.) Hey Buffy Wuffy, you're gonna be so proud of me!  
Buffy: What did you do now?  
Mikey Mo: I planted your tulip bulbs! And I did it in my Dolce and Gabbana suit! (Brushes off suit.)  
Buffy: (Shrieks in terror.) But there's four feet of snow outside! You killed my prize tulips! (Hits him with can of hairspray.) ãAIIIIIEEEEE!  
::End Flashback::  
Derian: That wasn't cute at all. That was the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Don't you know you can't plant tulips in snow?   
Mikey Mo: I do NOW, Einstein.  
Derian: Ouch. Low blow. (Scratches mullet.)   
Matty: I've got an announcement!   
All: Great, what next?  
Matty: I'm changing my name to Dicky.  
Derian: Why?  
Matty: Because.  
Mikey Mo: (Under breath.) Like that explains it?  
Matty: It's cuter than Richard.  
Derian: Dicky Dorian Matvichuk? (Frowns.) That's dumb.  
Matty: I'm changing my middle name to Studmuffin.  
Derian: (Looks at Jamie.) I'm going to ask for a trade to the Rangers.   
Jamie: Can you throw me in there too?


	9. More Weirdness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't know anymore.

::Setting-The Colorado Avalanche are sitting in their lockerroom before their game against San Jose::  
Patty Roy: I swallowed my wedding ring.  
Joe Sakic: (Looks up from THN.) Why?  
Patty: If I knew I wouldn't be telling you.  
Joe: Uh right... Can you go tonight?  
Patty: I don't know... Dis is gonna be real hard to pass t'rough my digestif system.  
Joe: Gross, I didn't need to hear that. (Looks at David Aebischer.) Can you go Aebi?  
Aebi: I think so... But first I must count my nose hairs. One...two...three...  
Sakic: (Looks at Rob Blake.) Is he obsessive compulsive?  
Blake: I don't know... Don't they think they hear voices?  
Patty: Dat's schizophrenia.  
Blake: And you would know because...?  
Patty: No reason. (Whispers.) Note to self: Kill Blake. He knows too much.  
Blake: Patty...?  
Patty: Shut up! I didn't do it! (Runs off.)  
Sakic: We have a strange team.  
Blake: You can say THAT again.  
Sakic: We have a strange team.  
Blake: I meant figuratively, not literally.  
Sakic: Oh. (Blushes.)  
Aebi: I'm not nuts. I'm just eccentric.  
Adam Foote: It's the same thing.  
Patty: (Pokes head back into lockerroom.) Michele says I'm eccentric all da time. Is she really saying I'm crazy? (Foote nods.) GRRR! DIS MAKES ME SO MAD! MAD ENOUGH TO TEAR A DOOR OFFA DA 'INGES!  
Blake: Stop Patty, calm down. Remember what happened the last time you did that?  
Patty: No.  
Blake: You have no short term memory. She called the cops and you took that really awful looking mug shot.  
Patty: Ew. I remember dat. (Shudders.) I gotta go to the men's room and puke up my wedding ring. Michele My Belle will tink I'm cheating on 'er again.  
::Flashback::  
Michele: Where's your wedding ring? You're cheating on me, aren't you?!  
Patty: I ot eating on oo! (Coughs up wedding ring.)  
::End Flashback::   
Sakic: That was bad.   
Patty: It was. (Runs off to bathroom.)  
Sakic: So I guess Aebi starts. (Looks at Aebischer.)  
Aebi: I counted 14,203 nose hairs. I'm missing three.  
Sakic: (Turns pale.) Good lord.  
Scott Parker: Let me hit some sense into him. (Balls hand into fist.)  
Sakic: No Scott! Remember the last time you hit Aebi?! He started snifıfing rubber cement and drove a tractor into the side of the Pepsi Center!  
::Flashback::  
Aebi: (Gets out of smoking tractor.) Oooooh wheeeeee! Let's do it again!   
(Jumps up and down as police drag him away.)  
::End Flashback::  
Parker: I won't hit him so hard this time.   
Sakic: NO.  
Parker: Drat. (Sits down.) We have a crazy goalie and a goalie who likes to swallow shiny objects. This is bad.  
Sakic: We could always make a trade.  
Bob Hartley: (Walks into lockerroom.) Patty just coughed up a wedding ring, Sakic's beeper and a loonie. (Hands beeper to Sakic.)  
Sakic: (Holds it between thumb and forefinger.) Eeeewww it's all sticky... (Puts it in pants pocket.)  
Hartley: Okay, now that Patty's out...and Aebi is now on IR.  
Milan Hejduk: What happened to him?  
Hartley: Uh... He set himself on fire.  
Alex Tanguay: How in the heck did he do that?  
Hartley: He was trying to see inside his head with a lit Q-Tip... We've called up Phillippe Sauvé-  
Tanguay: Rico Suave?  
Hartley: Phillippe Suavé and Frederic Cassivi.  
Tanguay: What happened to Rico? Did he get traded?  
Hartley: We don't have a Rico Suave under contract, dumb-as-a-post. That blonde hair dye is affecting your last remaining brain cells.  
Tanguay: But this isn't dye. It's natural. (Touches hair. Dye comes off on fingers.) Oops. There goes THAT theory.  
Hartley: And since Adam Foote now has a case of flu, we're calling up Sanny Lindstrom.  
Foote: I do?  
Hartley: Yes.  
Sakic: Lidstrom?! Since when did HE become an Av?  
Hartley: LINDstrom, stupid.  
Sakic: Oh... My bad.  
Patty: (Walks into room wearing ring and singing.) What does it take to be number one? Two is not a winner, three nobody remembers...  
Sakic: When did you start listening to rap Patty?  
Patty: Rap? What is rap?  
Sakic: Nevermind. (Eyes dart shiftily.) Who wants to go out and kick the crap out of the Sharkies?!  
All: Yay!  
Sakic: You're supposed to say 'We do'.  
All: We do!  
Sakic: Good. Let's go!  
All: Yay!


	10. The Red Wings Sniff Glue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This story is much better after Fischer gets flanderized.

::Setting-Aboard Redbird II::  
Brendan Shanahan: I'm bored.  
Stevie Y: Look at the clouds.  
Shanny: I did that the last time.  
Stevie Y: Do it again. (Looks in pockets.) Damn out of sleeping pills.  
Shanny: Huh?  
Stevie Y: Nevermind. (Looks at Kuznetsov.) Max, you look seasick.  
Shanny: It's AIRSICK.  
Max: I sick. (Grabs barfbag.)  
Stevie Y: Eww, that's really gross.  
Shanny: And how.  
Stevie Y: (Frowns.) That's not how you use that term, Brendan.  
Shanny: Oh... How will I know when to use it?  
Stevie Y: It'll just feel right.  
Shanny: Like when I'm putting the moves on your wife? (Gasps.) Shit did I say that out loud?  
Stevie Y: (Seeing red.) Yes you did. (Pulls out tape recorder.) Note to Self: Self, remember to put out that hit on Shanahan once we touch down in Phoenix.  
Shanny: Heeeey!  
Stevie Y: (Growls.) Note to Self: Self, remember to stop speaking your evil thoughts out loud. Dammit.  
Hasek: What does this button do? (Pushes red button.)  
Chelios: You're never supposed to push the red button, Dom Dom.  
Hasek: Well, nothing's happened so f-  
Bored sounding captain: Folk, we're experiencing some turbulence-  
Hasek: (Peers out window. Wing falls off.) Ooopsie... Wasn't me!  
Bored sounding captain: -so we advise you to buckle yourselves in.   
Hasek: (Buckles himself.) Sorry guys. (Plane noses downward.) Is plane suppose to do that?  
Chelios: I don't think so.   
Dandenault: (Clutching Fischer in his arms.) I'm a bad flyer.  
Fischer: I noticed.   
-Plane begins to bounce-  
Hasek: What's happening? (Looks out other window. Little alien is sitting on wing, chewing on wires.) AIIIEEE!   
Stevie Y: Dom, what is it?  
Hasek: There is alien, eating plane!  
Stevie Y: Okay, guys, next time, don't let Dom Dom watch the Twilight Zone alone.  
Hasek: There is alien! LOOK! (Shoves Stevie toward window.)  
Stevie Y: That's not an alien, Dom Dom... That's just a cloud. (Alien bares fangs.) Wow, that's a weird cloud. Must be a stratonimbulocumulus cloud.  
Hasek: You're making that up. Do clouds have fangs?  
Stevie Y: Just go to sleep Dom Dom. We'll be fine.  
Hasek: Okay...   
-Scratching noises-  
Shanny: Now I'm getting scared.  
Hasek: We all going to die! Alien going to eat us up alive!  
Stevie Y: We're not going to die, you guys.  
-Lights go out-

Cue scary music!


	11. The Red Wings' Plane Crash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You! Yeah, you. Stop reading this.

-After the smoke clears-  
Stevie: Cough, is everyone, cough, okay?  
Shanny: (Looks around.) Everyone's dead! We're going to have to fend for ourselves like those Brazilian soccer players in 'Alive'!  
Stevie: You're not eating me, Brendan.  
Shanny: Damn.  
Dandenault: And you're not the only ones who survived.   
Fischer: I puked.  
Dandenault: (Looks at shirt.) I know.  
Fischer: Sorry Dandy.  
Stevie: Wow that was weird... Maybe Dom Dom was right about the little alien.  
Hasek: See?  
Duchesne: Damn, you're all crazy.  
Shanny: And how.  
Stevie: (Smiles.) Exactly!   
Shanny: Whatever. I'm going to scavenge for food. (Opens door.) Hey, we crash landed on the America West Arena.   
-The Red Wings exit plane-  
Stevie: That's weird... Where will we play tonight's game?  
Shanny: I don't know... Maybe we can go see 'Ali' instead.  
Draper: I heard that was a bad movie.  
McCarty: It was not.  
Draper: It sucked, Darren!  
McCarty: YOU suck, Kris.  
Shanny: (To himself.) And how.  
Stevie: Okay you can stop that now.  
Shanny: Sorry Stevie.


	12. The Red Wings Wreak Havoc

-Setting: Outside America West Arena-  
Stevie: (Looks around.) Well, who wants to go exploring?  
Hasek: What if we get lost?  
Stevie: We're all adults here.  
Datsyuk: (Raises hand.)  
Fischer: Heeey you're older than ME!  
Datsyuk: I forget how old I am.  
Fischer: ¬Whatever.  
Lidström: Remember the last time we went exploring?  
::Flashback to Museum of Natural Sciences::  
Hasek: I wanna touch the dinosaur bones.  
Chelios: Don't touch the fossil Hasek.  
Hasek: You can't tell me what to do!  
Chelios: (Points to sign that says 'DON'T TOUCH THE FOSSIL HASEK'.)   
Hasek: Well, you can't tell me what to do! (Touches fossil. It collapses.) Oopsie.  
-Sirens begin to wail-  
Chelios: (Grabs Dominik.) Let's get outta here, Dom Dom!  
::End flashback::  
Stevie: Thanks a lot for reminding me, Lids.  
Lidström: You're welcome.  
Stevie: I was being sarcastic.  
Lidström: I knew that. (To himself.) Dammit.  
Devereaux: I wet my pants when the plane crashed.  
Hull: (In rage.) You were sitting on my lap!  
Devereaux: But I was wearing Depends.  
Hull: Lucky for you, or else I'd have to get my fist up in ya'll grill. (Waves fist.)  
Stevie: That's disgusting.   
Shanny: And how.  
Stevie: Didn't I tell you to stop saying that?  
Shanny: Sorry, Stevie. (Face falls.)  
Stevie: You KNOW I hate when you make that face, Brendan.  
Shanny: Sorry Stevie. (Gets puppy-dog eyes.)  
Stevie: Stop it!  
Shanny: Sorry Steve. (Whimpers.)  
Hull: This is getting quite odd.  
Shanny: AND how. (Cowers from Steve.) Sorry.  
Stevie: Whatever. Let's go find the Coyotes.  
-Hours later-  
Stevie: (Knocks on door, door opens.) Is this the Phoenix Coyotes' lockerroom?  
Man: (Nods.) What do you want?  
Stevie: Well, we crash landed on the top of the America West Arena.  
Man: So THAT was the loud noise I heard. (Holds out hand.) Welcome. I'm Jeremy Roenick.  
Stevie: Roenick? Don't you play for Philadelphia now?  
Man: Did I say Roenick? I meant Sean Burke. (Lets them in to lockerroom.)  
Teppo Numminen: Where are we going to play the game, now that our beloved arena is history?  
Doan: We could always just decide the game with a rousing round of foosball.  
Numminen: I hate foosball.  
Doan: Uh. What about... (Thinks.) We can play at our practise arena, the Coyotes' Den.  
Johnny Wharton: (Enters lockerroom, collapses at Stevie's feet.) Please promise me you won't tell Scotty I was the one who crashed the plane!  
Scotty: (From back.) I heard that!  
Johnny: Damn. (Faints.)  
Numminen: Well, let's go then! To the Coyotes' Den!  
-At Coyotes' Den-  
Stevie: Damn this arena only seats five thousand people.  
Numminen: Are you kidding? That's more than we get at America West for a regular game.  
Stevie: Okaaay...   
Draper: Egads! Someone stole all of our jockstraps!  
Shanny: No they didn't. (Points.) See, there's Johnny. (Wharton is rolling around on top of the jocks.) Ewwwwww. I think it's time to get a new trainer.  
Stevie: I agree.  
Numminen: That's very odd.  
Shanny: And how.   
Stevie: (Whacks him upside head.) Bad Brendie.  
Shanny: (Rubs head.) Owww. And don't call me Brendie.  
Stevie: You're my bitch, I can call you any damn thing I please. (Eyes widen in shock.) Oops did I say that out loud?  
Legace: (Nods.) Yes.  
Stevie: SHUT UP! WHO ASKED YOU?!  
Legace: YOU did. (Confused.)  
Fischer: (Pulls him aside.) It's better not to argue with him when he gets like this.  
Legace: Bu-  
Fischer: Stevie is RIGHT. Stevie is ALWAYS right, Manny.  
Legace: But he-  
Fischer: (Gives Manny a very intense stare.)  
Legace: (Finally blinks.) Stop staring at me like that. I get the point.  
Fischer: (Blinks, lets go of Manny.) Huh, what? I forgot what we were talking about.  
Legace: (Squirms.) Uh...


	13. The Dallas Stars, Again, or Mikey Mo Goes Shopping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :(

-Setting: Mikey Mo's shopping in a Costco-type store with Dicky Studmuffin Matvichuk-  
Mikey Mo: Matty, do you think I should buy these Ginsu knives?  
Matty: I don't trust you with knives.  
Mikey Mo: I really wanna get Buffy a nice present to celebrate our anniversary.  
Matty: How long have you two been going at it? OUT, OUT, I meant, going OUT.   
Mikey Mo: Three weeks. She's the one, Matty.  
Matty: You realised this in only three weeks?   
Mikey Mo: (Stops at a display.) Hmmm how about this George Foreman griller?  
Matty: You don't buy your girlfriend a griller.  
Mikey Mo: Like you ever HAD a girlfriend?  
Matty: (Angered.) I did SO!  
::Flashback to seedy hotel::  
Woman old enough to be Matty's mom: Okay, that'll be three hundred. (Cigarette dangles from corner of crusty mouth.)  
Matty: (Looks in wallet.) I only have two fifty.  
-Sound of screeching tires as working girl steals Matty's 1967 Mustang convertible-  
::End of flashback::  
Mikey Mo: Ohhh. So THAT'S how your car went missing. (Thinks.) But she doesn't count. She just used you for your money.  
Matty: I loved her! Damn you. (Shakes fist at sky.) DAMN YOU TO HELL, EDNA! I LOVED YOU!  
Mikey Mo: Okay, we're not here about you. We're here to buy my beloved Buffy a present! (Drags Matty along with him against his will.)  
-An hour later, in a lingerie aisle-  
Mikey Mo: Do you think she'd like a lace teddy? (Holds up a lace teddy.)  
Matty: How should I know? Why don't you model them for me and I'll be able to judge you? (Grins wickedly as he pulls a polaroid camera from out of his manpurse.)  
Mikey Mo: Okay! (Runs off to dressing room.)  
Little kid: (Tugs on Matty's sleeve.) Hey are you Al Gore?  
Matty: (Frowns.) No, why?  
Little kid: 'Cause Al Gore's a big gay guy who wears makeup too.  
Matty: Get lost, you little punk! (Growls. Kid runs off sobbing.)  
Mikey Mo: (Comes out of closet. Haha.) How does it look, Dicky? (Twirls.)  
Matty: (Snaps picture, puts it in pocket.) Perfect, Mikey. Cackle.  
-Later on, at Eddie Belfour's house-  
Eddie: (Opening mail at kitchen table.) Bill, bill, bill, junk mail, bill, bill, jury duty... Ooh fan mail! FINALLY! (Tears open letter. Photo of Mikey Mo in lace teddy, falls out along with letter.) Huh? (Reads letter.) Dear Eddie, I love you so much. I want to feel you in bed beside me you hunka hunka burning love. I want to be your little manwhore cuz I love you sooo much! I would give up Buffy for you! At night I touch myself thinking about you you ball of mansex. You make me feel so amerous that I am compelled to cop a manfeel on you, you little ball of raging mansex. Come to me my darling. I put on this manziere just for you. You're ever loving Micheal Madona (Coughs.) That is SO Matvisuck's handwriting!  
-the next day, at practise-  
Eddie:...I put on this manziere just for you. You're ever loving Micheal Madona. (Is reading to Derian.)  
Derian: Wow Mikey Mo's one messed up little dude. I wouldn't have pulled for him to be made assistant captain over Brett Hull had I known this was what he does in his spare time... (Scratches chin.)  
Eddie: It wasn't Mikey Mo, though.  
Derian: But that's his grammar.  
Eddie: I thought so too, at first. But come on, Der, even Mikey Mo knows how to spell his own name.  
-enter Mikey Mo-  
Mikey Mo: (Staring at 3x5 card.) M-I-C-H-A-E-L T-H-O-M-A-S M-O-D-A-N-O.  
Derian: (Coughs.) Perhaps it was an isolate-isolationed incident?  
Eddie: I have a feeling Dicky Matvisuck is up to no good. (Frowns.)  
-enter Matvichuk-  
Matty: (Whistling.) Hey guys.  
Eddie: (Shoves picture in Matty's face.) What's the meaning of this?!  
Matty: Gee Eddie, I don't know... (Grins.)  
Eddie: You sent this to me!  
Matty: Did not! Mo did!  
Mikey Mo: (Looks up at mentioning of name.) Huh?  
Eddie: Did you send me this? (Hands Mikey Mo the picture and letter.)  
Mikey Mo: No... I know how to spell my own name! M-i-c-h-a-e-l M-o-d-a-n-n-o! (Laughs.)  
Derian: Uh... (Raises hand.)  
Eddie: (Touches his arm.) Don't. You'll burst his bubble.  
Derian: Right. (Looks at Matty.) So Dicky, did you do it?  
Matty: Um no. Cackle.  
Derian: You did so! That evil laugh gives it away!  
Matty: Damn! Cackle. I mean... Okay, so I did do it! I was just having fun!  
Mikey Mo: (Waves letter.) What's a manziere?  
Derian: (Leans over to Mikey Mo's ear.) Whisperwhisperwhisper...  
Mikey Mo: (Eyes widen in innocent shock.) WHAT?!  
Derian: That's right, Mo.  
Mikey Mo: Oh gosh, that's yucky. (Blushes.)   
Eddie: That's right, Mo. Here's the, uh, picture. You can burn it yourself. Looking at it has scorched my retinas.  
Mikey Mo: Burn? Why? I'm gonna give this to Buffy for my anniversary present!  
-later on at Mikey Mo's mansion-  
Mikey Mo: (Hands Buffy envelope.) Happy anniversary, Buffy.  
Buffy: (Opens it.) Ewwww, are you in a teddy?  
Mikey Mo: (Shakes head.) Manziere.  
Buffy: Oh no, I had no idea you were a pervert! This relationship is SOOO over! (Storms off.)  
Mikey Mo: WHY GOD, WHY?!


	14. The Red Wings Go Out to the Movies

-At a movie theater-  
McCarty: I want to see Orange County.  
Draper: I want to see Ali.  
McCarty: I thought you said it sucked.  
Draper: I changed my mind.  
Stevie: I'm captain, so I make the final decision.  
Dandenault: Gee and I really wanted to see Snow Dogs.  
Fischer: Really? (Moves closer to Kuznetsov.)  
Dandenault: No.  
Fischer: Oh. Okay. (Slightly relieved.)  
Shanny: Let's see the Royal Tenebaums.  
Duchesne: You only want to see that because you're hot for Gwyneth Paltrow.  
Shanny: Am not. (Thinks for a minute.) I'm hot for Anjelica Huston.  
Stevie: Ewww. She's old enough to be your mother.  
Shanny: Uh. (Thinks up suitable response.) But she was so hot as Morticia.  
Stevie: You're only saying that because your wife looks like Morticia.  
Shanny: She does not! She's just pale!  
Fischer: (Pulls coin out of pocket.) Okay, heads is Not Another Teen Movie and tails is Royal Tenebaums.   
Shanny: (Glares at Stevie.) At least MY wife is hotter than YOUR wife!  
Stevie: Don't you dare use the 'my wife is hotter than your wife' argument 'cause...you'll lose every time! (Angrily.)  
Shanny: Lisa is a dog.  
Stevie: Well, at least *I* didn't steal my wife from my best friend!  
Audience: Oooooh! You go girl!  
Stevie: (Spooked.) What the hell was that?  
Shanny: I don't know... This place scares me.  
Fischer: Where are we anyway?  
-They all look around-  
Hull: I don't know. It's pretty warm in here.  
Dandenault: Oh my God, we've wandered into Hell!  
Shanny: (Looks at sign on wall.) Nope, we're just in the furnace room of the movie theater. (Opens door and they exit.)  
Fischer: We're seeing Not Another Teen Movie.  
Draper: AGAIN?  
Fischer: (Nods.) I got heads.  
Hull: Ewwwww!  
Fischer: You sicko, not like that! (Glares.) We seeing Not Another Teen Movie.  
Stevie: Goodie.  
-In theater-  
Shanny: Pass the popcorn, Stevie.  
Stevie: No, I'm captain. I get to have the popcorn all to myself.  
Shanny: No fair.  
Stevie: That's right, life's not fair. (Slaps away Shanahan's hand.) Get away! That's MY popcorn!  
Shanny: I'm hungy.  
Stevie: It's 'hungry', Brendan.  
Shanny: Right. I knew that. (Shifts down lower in his seat.)  
Maltby: (To McCarty.) They never shoulda traded Lapointe to Boston!  
McCarty: But they didn't. He signed with them as a UFA for over five million bucks a year for five years.  
Maltby: So THAT'S why they played the 'Must be the money' song when he came back to the Joe!  
McCarty: Gee you're slow.  
Maltby: Thanks.  
McCarty: That wasn't a compliment.  
Maltby: Thanks.  
McCarty: That wasn't a-oh hell, I give up.  
Draper: Shhhhh, I wanna hear the movie!  
McCarty: Shhh! Don't whisper so loud!  
Maltby: (To Fischer.) They never shoulda traded Ozzie to the Isles.  
Fischer: But they didn't. The Isles picked him up on waivers.  
Maltby: What? (Chokes on Diet Coke.) Why didn't anyone tell ME?  
Fischer: All you had to do was check the newspaper the next day, genius.  
Legace: (To Shanny.) Which trade do YOU regret the most, Shan?  
Shanny: Hmmm, I'd have to say Anders Eriksson. He was a funny guy. Remember that time he stole Homer's dentures?  
All: (Grunt in agreement.)  
::Flashback::  
Eriksson: I ab Tomads Holdstrom! (Wearing Homer's dentures.)  
Holmstrom: I'm going to have to have those resanitized again!  
::End Flashback::  
Shanny: (Laughing.) Good times, good times.  
Fedorov: I miss Kozzie. I loved to play pranks on him. He was SOOO gullible.  
::Flashback::  
Fedorov: Hey Kozzie, your shoe is really a telephone.  
Kozzie: (Picks up shoe and holds it to ear.) Privyet! Menya zavoot Vyacheslav Anatolyevich! A tebya? (Translation: Hello! My name is Vyacheslav Anatolyevich! What's yours?)  
Fedorov: (Stares at ceiling.) Oh jeeze...  
::End Flashback::  
Maltby: (Smiles dreamily.) I miss Mike Knuble... Sigh, he was such a sexy little thing.  
Shanny and Fedorov: What?   
Maltby: Uh... We, uh, did commercials together. We became close and developed a friendship that has withstood the ravages of time!  
Shanny: Whatever. (Inches closer to Datsyuk.)  
Datsyuk: (Grins.) I got marble stuck up nose. See?   
Shanny: Good God.


	15. Beyond the Penalty Box-The True Story of the Colorado Avalanche

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is drug use in this chapter.

Cue scary music  
-In the Avs' lockerroom-  
Tanguay: I swallowed a balloon of heroin.  
Sakic: And why would you do such a thing?  
Tanguay: I thought it was bubble gum.  
Sakic: Oh. Okay.   
Tanguay: (Runs over to Shjon Podein and begins to hit him with a towel.) SHJON!  
Podein: STOP îthat Alex! Why are you doing that?! (Angrily.)  
Tanguay: But your hair is on fire!  
Podein: (Looks at Sakic.) Maybe he should be scratched for the game against the Sharkies.  
Sakic: I agree, Shjon.  
Tanguay: (Stares at Milan Hejduk.)   
Milan: (To Sakic.) Why's Tangs looking at me like that?  
Sakic: He's high.  
Milan: Oh... (Squirms.)  
Tanguay: Oh no! (Points.) The Shadow People! Right behind you, Milan!  
Hejduk: (Looks behind him.) There's no one there.  
Tanguay: Watch out! (Shrieks.) I'll save you, Milany! (Pounces on Hejduk.)  
Sakic: Maybe he should go to the pressbox now... (Parker and Blake drag Tanguay off howling.)  
Patty: We 'ave a crazy team, Saks.  
Sakic: (Stares a Patty.)  
Patty: Why are you looking at ME like dat, Saks? (Annoyed.)  
Sakic: (Sighs.) No reason, Patty. Sigh.  
Patty: (Frowns.): Uh guys?  
All: What Patty?  
Patty: Remember da time when I told Jeremy Roenick I couldn't 'ear 'im because I 'ad my two Stanley Cup rings plugging my ears? (Blushes.)  
All: Ye-es...  
Patty: (Laughs nervously.) Well, you wouldn't believe where I got da TURD one stuck...  
Sakic: (Leaps to his feet and claps his hands.) Cough. Okaaaay! Who wants to go out to Dairy Queen for ice cream?!  
-Later on in Bob Hartley's Av Mobile-  
Riku Hahl: Mmmm...Superman ice cream.  
Hartley: 'o da 'ell are YOU?  
Hahl: I'm a call-up from Hershey.  
Hartley: 'ershey? We don't 'AVE a team in 'ershey!  
Bryan Trottier: Uh coach. (Tugs on the sleeve of Hartley's Hawaiian print shirt.)  
Hartley: What IS it, Trotts?  
Trottier: We DO have a minor league team in Hershey. They're called the Hershey Bears. Remember I took you to the Hershey theme park? I bought you a stuffed Hershey's Kiss.  
Hartley: Oh yeah.   
Sakic: Mmmmmm...Mint chocolate chip.  
Patty: Mmmmm...Bubble gum.  
Sakic: Gross.   
Patty: Not as gross as mint chocolate chip.  
Drury: I got anchovy and salad.  
PattØy and Sakic: What?  
Drury: Anchovy and salad. It's my favorite pizza topping, so I figured, 'Chris, you've never had it on ice cream before'. So I decided to try it out. (Licks ice cream cone.) Yummers.  
Patty: Drury, you're a freak.  
Drury: Thanks, Patty. I take that as a compliment.  
Sakic: Remind me to have Drury put on a line with Podein and Reinprecht.  
Reinprecht: Heeey! We resent that!  
Podein: He smells like fish.  
Aebischer: Remember the time he drank the water out of Giller's fish tank?  
::Flashback::  
Todd Gill: (Comes home to find Drury drinking from fish tank.) AAAAIIIIIIEEEEE! NOT IKE AND TINA! YOU FISH MURDERER!  
Drury: (Guiltily.) Glug glug.  
::End Flashback::  
Drury: Nooo... (Trails off.)  
Gill: *I* do.  
Drury: You don't have nothin' on me!  
Gill: (Frowns.) The fish tails were hanging out of your mouth, Chris. (Angrily.)  
Drury: All circumstantial evidence! You'd never get a conviction!  
Gill: Fish murderer!  
Drury: Ex-Red Wing!  
All: Oooh!  
Gill: Heey! (Scowls.) It's worse to be a fish killer than an ex-Red Wing. YOU'RE going to go to hell for killing Ike and Tina in cold blood.  
Drury: And like you're NOT going to hell for being an ex-Red Wing?  
Audience: Ooooh! You go boy!  
Gill: (Looks around.) Who said that?  
Drury: I hear voices.  
Sakic: We know. (Looks at list.) Tangs is on drugs, Patty accidentally stuck his third Stanley Cup ring into an orifice, and Drury is a psycho... Great, what next?  
Aebischer: OW! Stop biting my shoulder!  
Pascal Trepanier: But Aebi, there's no one there-  
Sakic: (Shakes head.) Don't, it's not worth it. (Writes on pad of paper.) And Aebi's a nut.  
Foote: AND how.  
Hartley: Didn't I tell you to stop saying that?!  
Foote: Uh...


	16. Being Jarome Inigla

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is temporary character death!
> 
> I think the Howie Dorough thing got in there because we thought he looked like Howie Dorough but I don't remember anymore.
> 
> Ro-Ro is Roman Turek... It's a long story.

-In the Calgary Flames lockerroom-  
Craig Conroy: Ro-Ro, don't eat that electrical wire.  
Ro-Ro: Why not?  
Conroy: Because it's plugged into the skate sharpener.  
Ro-Ro: Oh.  
Iginla: (Cries out in rage.) Someone misspelled my name on my jersey. (Annoyed.) I'm going to win the Hart Trophy and someone misspells my name on my jersey! Of all the injustices in the world!  
Conroy: (Checks the back of his jersey.) Your name isn't Inigla?  
Iginla: No.  
Conroy: You sure?  
Inigla: YES! (Annoyed.)  
Conroy: Oh. I never noticed it before.  
Iginla: That's what you get for hiring an overpaid hack to sew your jerseys by hand.  
Conroy: Well... You could just say you changed your name to Jarome Inigla.  
Ro-Ro: I change my name.  
Conroy: (Indifferent.) That's nice.  
Ro-Ro: I change it to Ro-Ro, plain old Ro-Ro. One day my popularity will eclipse even the popularities of Madonna and Cher. And Yanni.  
Vernie: But Yanni isn't popular.   
Ro-Ro: Yanni is popular. (Glares at Mike Vernon menacingly.)  
Vernie: Whatever.  
Iginla: Yanni is number two on my list of annoying people; right after Martha Stewart, but ahead of John Tesh, the Olsen twins, and Kathie Lee.  
Rob Niedermayer: (Giggles.) Iggy said 'number two'. Teehee!  
Derek Morris: Ro-Ro, you forgot Enya.  
Iginla: Anyway, back to the important problem at hand. My name is NOT Jarome Inigla. I'm going to cause such a stink about this, that the hockey world will feel the effects for years to come!  
Conroy: Jarome, no one cares. Just have them switch the 'g' with the 'n' and it'll be over and done with.  
Iginla: (Stomps feet.) But I wanna cause a stink!  
Dean McCammond: I always thought your name was Howie  
Iginla: Dumb blonde. (Under breath.)  
McCammond: Someone's a little pissy today.  
Iginla: Damn STRAIGHT I am! The guy that sews the letters onto the backs of our jerseys spelled mine INIGLA!  
McCammond: (Begins to laugh.)  
Iginla: That's not funny! How would you like it if someone spelled your name...say...McAmmond?!  
McCammond: (Shrieks.) NOOOOOooooooo! (Tears at hair.)  
Iginla: You wouldn't like it at ALL, would you?  
McCammond: No!  
Iginla: And why did you think my name was Howie?  
McCammond: (Thinks for a minute.) Uh... No reason... (Hides Backstreet Boy poster of Howie Dorough behind back.) Then what's your real name?  
Iginla: (Sighs, as if explaining all of this to Dean is a laborious task.) It's Jarome Iginla.  
McCammond: (Smiles.) Hello Jarome. My name is Dean.  
Iginla: I know what your name is, doof.  
McCammond: Oh. (Looks for Craig Conroy.) Connie?  
Conroy: (Glares at McCammond.) Dammit Dean, what have I told you about calling me that name in mixed company?!  
McCammond: (In a small voice.) That it's very very bad?  
Conroy: Good boy, you remembered something for a change! Go eat electrical wires or something.  
Ro-Ro: (Tugs on Conroy's jersey.) Uh Craig...  
Conroy: Shut up Ro-Ro.  
Ro-Ro: Okay... (Sits back in his locker.)  
-Power goes out-  
Ro-Ro: I think McCammond be dead.  
Conroy: We're in deep shit.


	17. The Stars Discuss Mikey Mo's Sexuality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't know.

-Setting: The Stars are at a team campout before training camp-  
Mikey Mo: (Roasting marshmallows.) Buffy dumped me.  
Matty: We KNOW. That's like the eleventy-hundredth time you've told us. (Annoyed.)  
Mikey Mo: I just thought you weren't listening the first time.   
Derian: (Rolls eyes.) We WEREN'T listening the first time, Mo.  
Mikey Mo: Then aren't you glad I told you a second time?  
Eddie: No. (In sleeping bag.) I'm trying to sleep... Who's tickling my feet?  
Derian: Eddie, did you bring alcohol?!  
Eddie: (Defensively.) NO! Someone's tickling my feet!  
Derian: No one is tickling your feet. You're in a sleeping bag, stupid.  
Eddie: (Peers into sleeping bag.) AHHHH! SNAKE! (Runs off howling.)  
Derian: (Looks in sleeping bag.) SNA-Wait, that's not a snake, that's a belt. (Holds up belt with big brass hillbilly buckle.) How did my belt get in Belfoul's sleeping bag?  
Mikey Mo: I'm off to skinny dip. Who wants to come with?  
All: (Share apprehensive looks.)  
Mikey Mo: Okay, I'll catch up with you party poopers later. (Runs off.)   
Jamie: (Looks at Derian.) He's so gay.  
Derian: He is not... He's just eccentric.  
Brendan Shanahan: And how.  
Derian: Go away, this isn't your story.  
Shanny: (Looks at script.) Oops. sorry. (Disappears.)  
Derian: Now where was I? Ah, yes, Mikey Mo. He's not gay.  
Marty: He is so! No man who hairsprays his bouffant that much can be straight!  
Matty: I KNOW for a fact Mo's straight. (Eats melted marshmallow.)  
Derian: How?  
::Flashback::  
Matty: Hey Mo, are you gay or straight?  
Mikey Mo: Uh... (Pauses.) Straight.  
::End Flashback::  
Derian: (Sarcastically.) Way to go, with your crack reporting skills, Dicky.   
Turgeon: I think he's just on crack.  
-Meanwhile-  
Mikey Mo: Isn't this a fun old waterin' hole, Eddie?  
Eddie: No one calls it a waterin' hole anymore, Mo.  
Mikey Mo: They don't?  
Eddie: Not unless you've been in Tex-ass for too long.  
Mikey Mo: I think I've picked up the slang.  
Eddie: I noticed. (Strips.)   
Audience: Booo!  
Eddie: He-ey... (Looks at Mikey Mo.) Aren't YOU going to strip?  
Mikey Mo: Uh, I've lost my appetite.  
Eddie: You said you were going to skinny dip too, Mo! (Enraged.)  
Mikey Mo: I changed my mind!  
Eddie: You ass! You can't do that! (Grabs Mikey Mo by collar of Dolce and Gabbana suit coat.)  
-Meanwhile, back at the campfire-  
Jamie:...Kumbaya my Lord, Kumbaya-aaaaaaah-aaaaaaaaah! (Singing Kumbaya with leaves of grass.)  
All: (Applauds.)  
Jamie: Thank you, thank you very much! (Bows head.)  
Derian: Did you hear that shriek of pure, unadulter-adulteried terror?  
Nieuwendyk: I think that's unadulterated, Der.  
Derian: That's of no consequ-consquedence, Nieuwy. (Knots brow.) There it is again!  
Person: AIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Nieuwendyk: Oh no, that sounds like the distress call of the endangered brown bespeckled hoot owl!   
Derian: No, that sounds like Mikey Mo...  
Nieuwy: But he's not a hoot owl.  
Derian: We know. He's in distress though...  
Mikey Mo: AAAAH! EDDIE! STOP!  
All: (Share looks of terror.)  
Mikey Mo: (Streaks through campgrounds nude, followed by nude Eddie Belfour wielding stick with pointed end.)  
Derian: Eddie, what have we told you about skewering teammates?  
Eddie: (Pauses.) That it's bad?  
Derian: Uh huh. And what are you doing to Mikey Mo Mo right now?  
Eddie: (Thinks for a minute.) I'm not skewering him, I'm not!  
Derian: Then what's that stick with a pointed end doing in your hand?  
Eddie: (Looks at it.) Whoopsie. (Tosses it aside.)  
Mikey Mo: AH!   
-THUD-  
Eddie: Oopsie...  
Derian: Dammit Eddie, put some clothes on.  
Eddie: Okay, Der. (Edges toward trees.)  
Matty: We've got a weird team.  
Derian: I know. (Looks at Jamie.) Still working on that trade to the Rangers, James.  
Nieuwy: Trade? What trade? (Confused.)  
Derian: The trade that sends me and James here to the Rangers for a goat and a sack of gold coins.  
Verbeek: Derian, they're not going to trade you for an Eastern European dowry.  
Derian: Oh... That reminds me. (Looks at teammates suspiciously, like they're going to steal his idea or something. Pulls out tape recorder.) Note to self: Self, fire your agent. But Derian, you ARE your own agent. Oops.  
Verbeek: Gee Der, you're friggin' nuts.  
Sydor: AND how.  
Derian: Shut up!  
Sydor: But I haven't said anything yet. I'm just a character to fill in some obvious plot holes and lack of imagination with cute random sayings. It's my job to waste some time while the author thinks up great and terrible things to put us through.  
Verbeek: Oh.


	18. Joe Nieuwendyk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am really confused.

-The Stars are mulling over Sydor's revelation-  
Nieuwy: You know, that makes no sense. (A bird lands on his shoulder.) Hey there, little buddy. (Feeds it some grain, stomach explodes.) AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  
Derian: Woah, Dr. Doolittle exploded a bird! Do it again!  
Nieuwy: NOOOOOOOooooo!!!!!! I'm a murderer!  
Sydor: How'd you do that, Joe?  
Zubov: He feed bird rice bird stomach explode yawl.  
Sydor: Huh?  
Zubov: He feed bird rice-  
Sydor: That's okay, you don't have to explain.  
Nieuwy: (Begins digging hole.) Poor birdie.  
Derian: Woah... I'm going to have nightmares for, like, weeks.  
Jamie: That was kinda cool... Messy, but cool.  
Nieuwy: That wasn't cool! Poor little Eustacio!  
Jamie: Huh?  
Nieuwy: His name was Eustacio.  
Derian: Whatever. (Looks at Sydor.) What sane person goes around giving dead birds names of Roman emperors?  
Sydor: Derian, Eustacio wasn't the name of a Roman emperor.  
Derian: (Flustered.) And how would YOU know?!  
Sydor: Uh. I just do, okay?  
Derian: Okay. (Looks at Nieuwy.) You gonna be okay, Dr. Doolittle?  
Turco: I don't think you should call him that anymore. Dr. Doolittle wouldn't kill a bird.  
Nieuwy: WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Sobs.)  
Derian: Gee Turco, really helped out THERE, didn't you? (Growls at him.) Go play in traffic okay?  
Turco: Okay! (Runs off. Sounds of screeching tires.)  
Zubov: We get new backup goalie, no? Turco roadkill is. Yawl.  
Derian: Riiight, Zubie. (Looks at Nieuwy.) You gonna be okay while the rest of us go and scrape Turks off the road?  
Nieuwy: (Nods, mournfully.) I th-think so... I'm going to have a service for little Eustacio.  
Derian: (Pats him on head.) You do that, Nieuwy.  
-Meanwhile-  
Verbeek: (Standing over Turco's body.) I think Marty's dead.  
Turco: I'm not dead.  
Verbeek: Who said that?  
Turco: I did.  
Verbeek: But you're dead.  
Turco: I'm not dead, genius. I'm speaking, am I not?  
Verbeek: How do I know that you're alive and not really one of the living undead?  
Turco: (Whacks Verbeek upside the head.) Because there's no such thing as vampires, dumbass!  
Verbeek: (Under breath.) That's just what you §WANT us to think...  
Turco: (Sits up.) I'm not dead, Beeker. See? (Points to chest, breathes in deeply.)  
Verbeek: That's what you WANT us to think.  
Derian: You watch too much X-Files, Pat.  
Verbeek: I watch X-Files with no lights on, we're dans la maison. I hope the Smoking Man's in this one.  
Derian: (Confused.) Uh okay. Whatever.  
-Meanwhile-  
Nieuwy: Where IS everyone? (Checks watch.) Okay, guess it's just you and me, Eustacio. (Clears throat.) Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. The kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven... Uh... God will smite those who trample over the grave of dearly departed Eustacio the bird... Uh. Sinners will repent or burn in hell... Uh. Whatever. (Throws some dirt over Kleenex box in ground.) Bye bye Eustacio.  
All: (Rejoins Nieuwy.) Hey Joe.  
Nieuwy: I buried Eustacio without you.  
Derian: You buried Eustacio without me?!?!  
Turco: Say it ain't so, Joe...  
Neiuwy: What happened to Marty anyway?  
Derian: (Whispers.) He went to play in traffic and got hit by a hillbilly jalopy.  
Turco: Come and listen to a story about a man named Jed. A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed. Then one day he was shootin at some food-  
Verbeek: SHUT UP, LIVING UNDEAD! (Runs off howling.)  
Derian: We should take Marty to the hospital...  
Turco: Rollin’ Rollin’ Rollin'. Keep movin’, movin’, movin’. Though they’re disapprovin’. Keep them doggies movin’ Rawhide! (Derian smacks him upside the head.)  
Derian: STOP SINGING! MY HEAD!   
Sydor: The end.


	19. Kuzie and Fishy's Tea-Party Revue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> /cries

-Setting: Someone has sent Jiri an odd gift from his hometown-  
Jiri: (He and Max are sitting in Jiri's hotel room. Jiri opens his present.) Max, look at this. Someone send me nice present from Czech Republic. (Waves box at Max.)  
Max: (Puts on foil party hat and pulls out noise-maker.) Happy birthday, Jiri.  
Jiri: Max, my birthday is in July. (Rips off paper.)  
Max: (Thinks for a second.) I will leave on my hat, no? You like?  
Jiri: Uh, no. (Coughs.)   
Max: I not want to take off.  
Jiri: Okay. (Looks.) Hand me knife so I can open box?  
Max: (Hands over knife.) I want see present. Is Swedish penis enlarger pump?  
Jiri: (Glares at Max.) What are you smoking?  
Max: Nothing. (Eyes sparkle.) Is penis enlarger?  
Jiri: (Opens box, popcorn falls out.) Here Max. Eat popcorn.  
Max: Yummy! (Puts some in mouth. Eyes widen.) Jiri, must call 911.  
Jiri: Shut up, I'm opening this present now.  
Max: (Coughs.)  
Jiri: (Pulls out a porcelain tea set.) Look Max, tea set.  
Max: (Turns purple.) Why would someone send tea set?  
Jiri: Don't know. (Grins.) Want to play tea set?  
Max: I need 911.   
Jiri: Didn't I tell you not to eat fake popcorn?  
Max: You said eat the-  
Jiri: That's of no consequence.  
Max: Okay. (Gets up and goes into bathroom.)  
Jiri: (To himself.) Let's see, how to play tea set. (Sets out tea set on coffee table.)  
Max: (Comes out with plunger, sticks on face.)  
Jiri: What you doing? (Confused.)  
Max: Going to pump stomach. (Pulls on plunger.) Think plunger is stuck on face. Pull pull.  
Jiri: (Frowns, pulls plunger off of Max's face.) There, you okay now?  
Max: (Face is red, hair is sticking up. Staggers.) I need sit down. (Falls back.)  
Jiri: Max! (Grabs for him, the two of them fall over onto the floor.) You're so stupid!  
Max: I not stupid. You make me eat poisonous popcorn.  
Jiri: It wasn't really popcorn, Maxie.  
Max: No call me Maxie. Max. Or Kuzie. Not Maxie. (Glares at Jiri.)  
Jiri: (Sits on ottoman, points to couch.) You sit on couch and we play tea set game.  
Max: What is teaset game?  
Jiri: You, uh, pretend to be woman and drink tea with little finger up. (Demonstrates.)  
Max: Okay, seem like fun.  
Jiri: (Flutters eyelashes, sticks up pinkie fingers. Speaks in silly, high pitched voice.) My name is Jirina Fischer. What is YOUR name?  
Max: (Cough.) Maxima Kuznetsova, Jirina. You have lovely hair. What do you put in it?  
Jiri: Egg yolks. (Drinks imaginary tea.) This would be better with real tea.  
Max: It would, Jirina. (Sips imaginary tea.) What do you think about that Max Kuznetsov who play occasionally for the Red Wings? (Flutters eyelashes like Jiri.)  
Jiri: Uh. (Thinks.)   
Max: (Reverts to 'normal' voice.) Come on! You must tell! Tell!  
Jiri: (Uses real voice.) Max, stop yelling!  
Max: What you think about me?!  
Jiri: (Thinks.) Should I really answer?  
Max: I want know.  
Jiri: Okay, I think you're bad with outlet passes. You don't play physical enough. You don't fight. You don't belong in NHL, you belong in beer league.  
Max: ...  
Jiri: You look like you going to-   
Max: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Jiri: Cry.  
Max: (Throws self into Jiri's arms.) Comfort me, Jiri. I hurt from your insult.  
Jiri: (Blushes.) Sorry Max, I not good with crying men.  
Max: You not nice. (Sniffs.)   
Jiri: How about I make us some real tea? (Pats Max's back.)  
Max: Okay. (Sniffles, wipes nose on Jiri's shirt.)  
Jiri: Gross.  
-Meanwhile-  
Stevie: Where's Jiri?  
Brendan: He's late for practice.  
Stevie: I noticed. Did anyone see him in the hotel this afternoon?  
Duchesne: I think I saw him with a box and Max Kuznetsov.  
Stevie: Well, they're late for practice.   
Max: (Runs onto ice. Jersey hanging from waist.) I here, I here.  
Stevie: Why are you late, Max?  
Max: I not late. I fashionably late. (Pants.)  
Stevie: You're three hours late. (Points to clock on wall.)  
Max: Oh.  
Stevie: Where's Fishy?  
Max: (Quickly.) I DON'T KNOW! WHAT'S WITH TWENTY QUESTIONS?!?!?!?! (Defensively.)  
Draper: Uh, Max, are you okay?  
Max: YES!   
Chelios: Is that a hickey?  
Max: What is hickey?  
Chelios: You and Jiri made out?  
Max: No. Why you say that?  
Chelios: No reason. (Curses.) Damn. (Hands twenty dollar bill to Lidström.)  
Max: We have sex, we not make out.  
Lidström: Dammit. (Hands Chelios bag of peanuts.)  
Chelios: Now why would you do that?  
Max: I cry, he comfort me.  
Stevie: Good Lord.  
Max: He too bruised to come to practice.  
Stevie: I didn't need to hear that.  
Max: Oh. (Puts on jersey.) We did it four times.  
Brendan: Ooookay. (Wanders off.)  
Duchesne: I think I hear kittens in a tree. (Runs off.)  
Manny: I think my wife is pregnant again. (Walks off.)  
Max: Why everyone leave? (Looks around.)  
Stevie: Because we don't want to hear about it.   
Max: That not fair. I love Jiri. You listen to Brendan when he talk about his womens. And he don't even LOVE his womens.  
Stevie: (Cough.) I mean, when Brendan talks about his womens, we don't want to hear it either. We just PRETEND to listen and think it's real funny. It's just not the kind of stuff you talk about in a lockerroom.   
Max: Oh.  
-Meanwhile, Jiri and Max are in bed together, Jiri is reading newspaper and Max is watching Leno-  
Jiri: (Removes glasses.) Max, did you hear?  
Max: (Enraptured with Leno.) Hear what?  
Jiri: Anna Kournikova got beat in the first round of Australian Open today. (Snaps pages of newspaper.)  
Max: And this concern me why? (Staring at TV, in a trance.)  
Jiri: It mean Sergei gonna be in pissy mood tomorrow at practice.  
Max: Oh. If he give me lip, I just bitchslap him. (Eats popcorn.) Muwahahahaha! Leno so funny! Don't you think so Jiri?  
Jiri: Not really. I watch Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher.  
Max: There is lot we don't know about each other before jump in bed together.  
Jiri: You're right.  
Max: I have confession to make.  
Jiri: Don't tell me, you're pregnant?  
Max: NO. I was put in jail in Russia for committing a crime.  
Jiri: What crime?  
Max: Dancing in a clown suit with a rubber chicken in Red Square.  
Jiri: Why would you do that?  
Max: To shake my ass at the government.  
Jiri: Okay, I have a confession to make too.  
Max: Shoot.  
Jiri: I did.  
Max: What?  
Jiri: I shot a man when I play for Hull.  
Max: Brett?  
Jiri: No, I play for Hull Olympiques.  
Max: Hull play for US in Olympics.  
Jiri: No, the Quebec Major Junior team.  
Max: Oh. (Scratches head, confused.) Who you shoot and why?  
Jiri: It was a cow.  
Max: Why you shoot cow? You say it was man.  
Jiri: Cow's name was Man. It was looking at me weird.   
Max: Oh. (Confused and scared.)  
Jiri: It talked to me. I decided it was a possessed cow. So I shot it. Then I hooked it to bumper of my car, drove it home, and made hamburger patties out of it. Kept me fed for months.  
Max: What did it say?  
Jiri: Mooo.  
Max: Oh. (Inches closes to wall.)   
Jiri: Also I try on women's nylons when I was little boy. And I like to shoot my pellet gun from Ambassador Bridge and see if I can come close to hitting people.  
Max: Did you ever hit people?  
Jiri: I did, but I'm not supposed to talk about it until trial. (Smiles.) I love you Maxie.  
Max: Uh.  
Jiri: What about you?  
Max: (Thinks.) One time I told Jason Williams his cat got hit by car, when I was in Cincinnati. I took big dead rat and put it under wheel and pour ketchup all over it.  
Jiri: That wasn't very nice.  
Max: Jason still not talked to me since.  
Jiri: No wonder.  
Max: Then cat die for real in boating accident and Jason think I behind it, but I not.  
Jiri: How does a cat die in a boating accident?  
Max: I not know. (Pulls out tape recorder.) Note to self: Kill the boy. Kill...the...boy. (Eyes Jiri evilly, in trance. Jiri hits him and he snaps out of it.)  
Jiri: What's the recorder for?  
Max: I talk to myself.  
Jiri: Maybe this won't work out?  
Max: Probably not. (Gets out of bed. Sound of footsteps, slamming door, and screeching tires.)  
Jiri: (Picks up phone and dials.) Hello, is phone sex?   
Person: Hello big boy.   
Jiri: Hello phone sex guy.  
Person: Who do you want me to be?  
Jiri: Hockey player?  
Person: I wanna smack your ass with my big hockey stick. Whack whack whack.   
Jiri: (Thinks for a second. The voice sounds VERY familiar...) Feds?  
Fedorov: Who is this?  
Jiri: Jiri.  
Fedorov: (Under breath.) Damn. (Speaks up.) What are you doing calling a phone sex line?  
Jiri: What are you doing phone sexing, Feds?  
Fedorov: (Cough.) That's inconsequential, Fishy. I'm, uh, monitoring it for, uh, FDA reasons! Yeah, FDA.  
Jiri: Don't they do stuff like beef, it's what's for dinner?  
Fedorov: Kind of. Get off the phone now, Jiri! No more phone sex!  
Jiri: I've SO got to tell the guys.  
Fedorov: You tell them and I will tell them you like to be whipped.  
Jiri: They already know that.  
Fedorov: (Cough.) WHAT?!  
Jiri: Just kidding... But Max knows.  
Fedorov: I don't even wanna know...  
-Some time later in a bar-  
Lidström: So I said, 'If you wanna have sex with my wife, you'll have to get through me first'. (Drinks beer.)  
Chelios: So what happened, Nick?  
Lidström: (Laughs.) Guy pulled out a tire iron and hit me in the head.  
Chelios: Oh. (Drinks beer.) Where's Fishy and Max?  
Lidström: I hear they break up.  
Chelios: Good good good. Fishy was too good for Max anyway.  
Lidström: Nah, Max was the better one of the two. (Sips beer.)  
Olausson: I hear Jiri was cheating on Max with someone else.  
All: Who?  
Olausson: (Lowers voice to whisper.) Brian...RAFALSKI.  
Lidström: Why are we gossiping like bunch of girls?  
Chelios: And where are the rest of the defensemen? This IS the Annual Defensemen's Night Out, you know.  
-Door opens, the rest of the defensemen come in-  
Duchesne: Sorry we're late. We got stuck behind a zamboni.  
Wallin: That was a street cleaner, you stooge.  
Krupp: Hi guys. (Waves.) I hitched a ride under your car, Duke.  
Duchesne: Look everybody, it's Ew-ee Krapp. And who in the hell invited you?  
Krupp: No one. (Lowers’ head and whimpers.) Nobody wuvs me.  
Duchesne: That's what I thought. (Chases him away.)  
Olausson: Duchesne's weird.  
Wallin: And how.  
Chelios: Now don't you start. (Sips beer, little tipsy.)  
Dandenault: Are you drunk Chelly?  
Chelios: No. (Wavers.)  
Dandenault: (Pulls on Wallin's arm.) So I told the guy, 'If you wanna find out if the old saying's true, pull down my pants and see for yourself, hot shot'. Needless to say, he didn't do it.  
Chelios: That's gross. Hey, my name rhymes with 'gross'. Is that a coincidence or what? (Hiccups.)  
Wallin: (Under breath.) Not very likely.  
Chelios: What?  
Wallin: Nevermind.  
Jiri: Guess who I talk to last night?  
Fedorov: Don't tell!   
Chelios: I think you're a forward again, Sergei. You aren't invited to the Annual Defensemen's Night Out.  
Fedorov: Gladly. (Runs off.)  
Chelios: So what were you going to tell, Fishy?  
Jiri: Feds works for a gay phone sex line.  
All: Ew.  
Chelios: And what were you doing caÍlling a gay phone sex line?  
Jiri: No reason... (Awkward pause.) To, uh, see if it was child friendly. That's right.  
Dandenault: This is getting kind of long, isn't it?  
Sydor: I'll say.  
Duchesne: Where'd you come from?  
Sydor: I'm just used to fill in plot holes and lack of imagination. Carry on. (Sits back, drinks beer.) CARRY ON.  
All: Okay. (Begin doing things.)


	20. The One Where Everything Goes Wrong

-Bowels of Joe Louis Arena-  
Stevie: Okay guys, put on happy faces for the kids. (Gives teammates big scary smile.)  
Robitaille: Why do we have to go to the hospital? I could catch a disease or something.  
Stevie: Because the kids are great publicity. I mean, because we like to visit children and give them presents 'cause we're nice. (Under breath.) Good save. Thanks, self, I thought so, too.  
Devereaux: What a nut. I know. *I* should be captain, not Steve. I agree, my pet. We'll take over one day, Self. You just wait and see... Our evil plan has been set in motion, master. One day. Mwahahahahaha! (Smacks self on head.) Uh. Whatever.  
Lidström: Where's Hot-shit?  
Devereaux: Who?  
Lidström: Our goalie, Dominik Hot-shit, where the hell is he?  
Chelios: I don't know. We can just replace him with a cardboard cutout. No one will notice.  
Stevie: (Grabs box of presents.) Okay, into the Wing Mobile. (Points to Bat Mobile.)  
McCarty: You stole that from Batman! Give it back!  
Stevie: No I didn't. I painted my minivan black and put wings on the back.  
McCarty: Ooooh Batman is SO gonna kick your ass, Stevie! (Wags finger in his face.)  
Stevie: (Puts presents in Wing Mobile.) Okay, we can't wait for Dom Dom. Let's go.  
-A little while later at a hospital lobby-  
Nurse: Okay, you can see the kids now. (Let's them into the room of kids.)  
Kid 1: Wow the Detroit Lions! We love you guys!  
Dandenault: We're the Red Wings, kid. The Lions suck.  
Kid 1: Waaah! (Cries.)  
Chelios: Good going, Dandy. You made the dying kid cry.  
Kid 1: (Sniff.) Dying?  
Dandenault: Good going, Chelly. You told the kid he was going to die.  
Stevie: Just shut up. These aren't the dying kids, these are the moderately ill ones.  
Chelios: They're not the dying ones? What a ripoff.  
Stevie: Just shut up and hand out presents and act like you like being here.  
-Banging noises-  
Legace: What's that noise?  
Chelios: Sounds like a bed pan.  
Legace: No, that sounds like-  
Lidström: Dominik Hot-shit.  
-Enter Hasek-  
All: AIIIIE!  
Hasek: (Waves arms.) Help, someone turn out the lights.  
Lidström: Dom Dom, you have a bucket on your head.  
Fedorov: Why did you put a KFC chicken bucket over your head anyway?  
Hasek: (From inside KFC bucket.) I got this good idea that I was gonna eat my popcorn chicken and watch WWF wrestling, so I put bucket on my head and eat chicken... And now I be stuck in bucket.   
Fedorov: You're so stupid. (Snickers.) Tupitsa.  
Hasek: I know what you say. I know Russian.  
Stevie: Okay, we're going to have to set Dom Dom free. (Takes butter from Kid 2's dinner tray.) I'm going to butter you up. You'll just pop right out. (Squirts in butter.)  
Hasek: Now I'm hungry again.  
Stevie: NO. Your love of greasy food got you INTO this mess... (Grunts.) Hmmm, the bucket won't budge...  
Hasek: Eep! I be stuck in chicken bucket for rest of life! Eep! (Cries.)  
Olausson: I have idea. (Takes packets of mayonnaise, squirts them into bucket.) See if that won't loosen him up.  
Stevie: (Pulls.) Nope... Anyone have some... (Thinks.) Diet Pepsi, that should do the trick.  
Hasek: NOOOOOooooo...  
Stevie: (Takes Robitaille's soda and pours it in there.) Still not budging. Dammit Dom, how do you get into all of these stupid situations?   
Lidström: (Taps Hasek on the shoulder.) Dom, are you still trying to eat the chicken?  
Hasek: Um, nooo...   
Lidström: You're lying! You stop eating the chicken or I'll bust a cap in your bony ass!  
Hasek: (Stevie pulls on bucket.) Aiiie!  
Stevie: (Removes bucket.) There! That did the trick, Nick! What did you do?  
Lidström: I scare him and he started to sweat... (Pinches nose.) Now he smells like greasy food... Gross, I'm gonna be sick. (Runs off.)  
Stevie: (Hands bucket.) No more KFC, Dom. Only health food from now on.  
Hasek: Dammit. (Pouts.)   
Stevie: Dom!   
Hasek: Okay. (Hands bucket of chicken to a sick kid.) There you go. It is a present from the best goalie in the free world.  
Kid 3: Patrick Roo-aw?  
Hasek: (Snatches away bucket.) Shut up, you little turd! I am better than Paddy Wah! (Runs off, crying.)  
Lidström: He's weird. And he smells like grease.  
Stevie: I am SO not riding with him on the way back to the Joe.  
Legace: Can I start then?  
Stevie: Sure. At least YOU smell nice.  
All: Huh?  
Stevie: (To self.) Note to self: Self, stop speaking your homoerotic thoughts out loud.   
All: Ooookay... (Edge toward door.)


	21. The One Where the Red Wings Go Looking For Prostitutes and Get Arrested for Solicitation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I actually decided to skip a chapter. But am posting this one instead. If jokes involving prostitutes/prostitution/undercover cops working as prostitutes is upsetting to you I am surprised you made it this far and you should probably close the window now.

-After the game against Washington, in a dark alley-  
Duchesne: I'm bored. (Yawns.) Pissing my name onto this here brick wall became boring after D-U-C. (Surveys his handiwork and yawns again.)   
Shanny: And how. (Zips up pants.)  
Stevie: Grrr. (Whaps him on the back of his head. Only one not partaking in the urine writing contest.)  
Shanny: Sorry. (Rubs head.)  
Duchesne: *I* have an idea!  
Larionov: Great. Your last idea was the urine writing contest. (Frowns.)  
Duchesne: Why don't we go out cruising for prostitutes? We could use our celebrity status to get the clean, non-skankified ones!  
Chelios: (Whacks him upside head.) Great idea, doof. And there is no such word as non-skankified.  
Duchesne: I make up new words when I can't find one to suit my vocabulage. (Smiles at Chelly and puts his arms around his shoulders.) You just don't understand the finer points of skankification, my untelligent friend.  
Dandenault: (To Stevie.) Why did we sign this guy? Wasn't he run out of LA?  
Stevie: I'm wondering the same thing, Mat.  
Chelios: (Looks at Duchesne.) Duke, remove your arm from around my shoulders and zip up your goddammed pants.  
Duchesne: Oops. (Zips.) Thanks for reminding me, my brother.  
Chelios: I'm not your brother. (To himself.) Luckily for me.  
-Later on, in another dark alley, looking for hookers-  
Wharton: (Steals Stevie's ID from his pants pocket.) Hehehehehe....  
Duchesne: Why'd you yoink his ID, Johnny?  
Wharton: Because I can get better looking prostitutes posing as Stevie, THAT'S why.  
Duchesne: Ooh, delicious. (Rubs hands together in anticipation.)  
Wharton: (Pockets ID.) You're creeping me out. (Walks away.)  
Duchesne: Aw nuts.  
-Later on in a room filled with skankified prostitutionists; Johnny Wharton finds a blonde, burnt out hooker with herpes on her mouth-  
Hooker: My name's Armcandy. What's yours, lover? (Hack hack cough cough. Puffs on cigarette, scratches ass.)   
Wharton: I'm Stevie Yzerman! (Holds out Yzerman's stolen ID card.)  
Hooker: That doesn't look anything like you. (Hands it back, puffs on cigarette. Hack hack cough cough.) Spell your name.  
Wharton: (Overly confident, puffs out chest.) S-T-E-V-I-E... Uh... (Awkward pause.) I-Z-U-R-M-E-N? (Shakes head.) Dammit.  
Stevie: So THAT'S what happened to my driver's license! (Grabs it back.) Yoink.  
Larionov: I think I hear police sirens! I was never here! (Runs off.)  
Chelios: (Steps out from behind McCarty holding a toy megaphone.) Cackles.  
Stevie: You're evil.  
Chelios: No, I'm Chris.  
Stevie: Whatever. (Yawns.) Let's chalk this up as another Duchesne idea that went nowhere.  
Duchesne: Hey! I resent that!  
Lidström: (Looks at Armcandy and tugs on Olausson's arm.) Akta dig hon är en giftbrun.  
Olausson: (Chokes on his beer.)   
Chelios: What did he say?  
Olausson: Isn't polite to say in mixed company.   
Chelios: Come on! I reeeeally wanna know! (Stomps feet like a child.)  
Olausson: Something about a toxic...whisperwhisper. (Whispers in Chelios' ear.)  
Chelios: Ewwww! Lidström's a freak!   
-The sounds of sirens sound in the distance-  
Stevie: CHELIOS!  
Chelios: It wasn't me! (Drops megaphone and flees.)  
Hooker: (Pulls out badge.) You're under arrest!  
-At the police station-  
McCarty: I can't believe we all got arrested.  
Shanny: Even me, and I wasn't even doing anything.  
Duchesne: (Squirms.) I think that fat guy in leather chaps is looking at me funnily...  
Wharton: (Begins pulling on metal bars.) I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute.  
Stevie: (Whaps him on back of head.) Shut up, stupid! You're not supposed to say anything 'til we get a lawyer!  
Bored sounding person: You Red Wings? You're free to go.  
All: We are?!  
Bored sounding person: Yeah, this bald dude posted your bail. (Steps aside to reveal a very pissed off Scotty Bowman.)  
Bowman: (Face is red, looks like he's going to blow his top.) You are all going to pay! And pay dearly! (Twitches.)  
All: This isn't a good sign.  
-Later on-  
Stevie: Remind me why I'm putting up with this?  
Shanny: Because it's in your contract.  
Stevie: What is?  
Shanny: That we have to do whatever Bowman tells us to do. It was at the bottom, in very fine print.  
Stevie: You read that part and still signed your contract?  
Shanny: I get pleasure from Scotty dominating, I mean, telling me what to do. I just put up a front for the media 'cause they like feuds and stuff.   
Toilet: Sklorrrp!  
Stevie: (Shudders.) Disgusting. Oh yeah, and the noise that toilet just made was pretty gross too.  
Shanny: That sounds cool. (Pushes plunger.)  
Toilet: Skaplorp!   
Stevie: Stop messing with the clogged up toilet! Before something bad ha-  
Toilet: KABOOM!  
-Clogged up toilet explodes on Brendan and Stevie-  
Stevie: Speak of the devil. (Wipes shit off of face.) Eugh.  
Shanny: That wasn't supposed to happen, was it?  
Stevie: (Shudders.) I'm SO going to kill you.  
Shanny: You can't! Murder is illegal in 49 of the 50 United States!  
Stevie: Says who? (Balls hands into fists.) Come here!  
Shanny: (Flees.) Yah!  
Stevie: GET BACK HERE! (Chases after him.)


	22. The One Where the Avs See a Therapist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of terrible things happen.

-In a lobby-  
Patty: I don't see why we 'ave to see dis terapist. (Looks at magazines.)  
Sakic: We have to. Hartley said we had to or he'd replace us with trained bears.   
Hartley's Voice: At least trained bears do what they're told!  
Sakic: (Shudders.) It's for the betterment of the team, Patty.  
Patty: Well, all dis 'ead-shrinker is gonna do is tell us we're nuts and extort five thousand bucks out of us.  
Sakic: You've seen a psychologist before?  
Patty: Noooo...  
Podein: I think it might help to cleanse the soul.  
Patty: What are you smoking?  
Podein: Herbal cigarettes. Want one?  
Sakic: (Smacks it out of his hand.) Not in here, you stooge!  
Bored sounding secretary: Mr. Cal Oradoavalanche, Dr. Mauvais will now see you.  
All: (Go into Dr. Mauvais' office.)  
Mauvais: Hello, thanks for coming. Let's start with the aggression therapy. (Pulls out foam padded baseball bats.) Here. (Hands one to Patty, Sakic, Forsberg and Blake.) Tell the other one why you hate him and hit him with the bat.  
Sakic: (Glares at Forsberg.) If it weren't for you, you spleenless bastard, we'd be the best team in the league! Not the Geriatric Wings! (Whaps Forsberg with bat.)  
Forsberg: If it wasn't for me, our team wouldn't have even won the Cup last year!  
Sakic: You didn't even play in the Finals! (Whacks him with bat.)  
Forsberg: My spirit carried us to victory!  
Sakic: Bull-hooey!  
Mauvais: (Puts hand on Sakic's shoulder and turns to face the other Avs.) Mr. Sakic has to learn to let out his rage. Now, Mr. Sakic, try saying bull-crap instead of bull-hooey.  
Sakic: Bull-cr-crap.  
Mauvais: Very good. Now say bull-shit.  
Sakic: (Quietly.) Bull-shit.  
Mauvais: Good! Commence with the asskicking!  
Blake: (Looks at Patty.) You're a defender's worst nightmare!  
Patty: ME? DA BEST GOALIE IN DA FREE WORLD?! I TINK *NOT*, YOU POOR MISGUIDED FREAK! (Hits Blake with bat.)  
Blake: If you didn't go wandering so much, you wouldn't get burned for so many goals!  
Patty: I'm a free spirit! What are you gonna do, tie my leg pads to da posts?!  
::Inside Patty's mind::  
Patty: (Arms and legs are tied to posts.) Dammit, I shouldn'ta said anyting... (Bure comes in on a breakaway.) Oh! No no no! Please don't score on me!   
Bure: (Roofs puck on Patty. Does victory dance.)  
Patty: WHY?! (Throws back head.) I'M A GOOD MAN!  
::end interlude in Patty's mind::  
Patty: (Shudders.) NEVER! (Kicks Blake in groin.)  
Blake: WIFE BEATER!  
Patty: (Pauses.) Hey! I NEVER touch my wife! (Stops.) Dat didn't come out da way I meant it.  
Blake: (Swings bat, misses Patty.) Okay, door ripper outer!  
Patty: Grrrr! (Swings bat.)  
Mauvais: Okay. That's enough for today. That'll be eight hundred bucks.  
-Later on in Bob Hartley's Av Mobile-  
Sakic: I think that went rather well.  
Patty: Shut up. My ass is bruised.  
Blake: Well, my family jewels are swelled up to the size of pummelos, thanks to you. Now me an' Brandi won't ever be able to make brothers and sisters for Jack. (Glares at Patty.)  
Patty: You can just buy one offa da Intranet.  
Blake: Ooh good ide-  
Sakic: NO ONE is buying children off the Internet, got it?  
Blake: (Shoulders slump.) Awwww, just one?  
Sakic: NO!  
Blake: Awwww. (Pouts, juts out bottom lip.)  
Sakic: Stop pouting! (Glares.)  
Tanguay: Uh Saks?  
Sakic: What?  
Tanguay: Why are you driving on the curb?  
Sakic: (Looks at beer in hand.) Dammit.  
-Later on-  
Cop: I clocked you doing eight in a 75. (Looks at Sakic's eyes.) Were you asleep at the wheel, pal?  
Sakic: Asleep at the wheel? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!  
Cop: You're under arrest.  
Sakic: If I flirt with you, will you let me go?  
Cop: No.  
Sakic: Dammit, it always works for my wife!


	23. The One Where Brett Hull Goes to Charm School

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm only posting a few more of these because this is giving me a headache.

-In Wing Mobile-  
Brett: (Big grin, hyper.) So, Stevie, where are ya takin' me?! (Bounces in baby seat.)  
Shanny: (Eyes pop open.) Oh God, we're not putting him down, are we? (Hugs Brett.) I'll miss you, lil' buddy. You'll enjoy the great hockey rink in the -  
Stevie: (Whaps him upside head.) NO. We're taking him to, uh, charm school.  
Shanny: WHAT?! (Strangles Brett.)  
Brett: (Purple.) Hands...off.  
Shanny: Sorry. (Lets him go.) Why are we taking him to charm school?  
Stevie: To make him presentable.  
Shanny: But what do WE care?  
Brett: (Vaguely annoyed.) I like me just the way I am! (Clears throat.) They say you'll never love another 'til you love yourself. Well, brother I'm in love with everyone I see. It's only me.  
Shanny: Stop singing, please. For the sake of what little is left of my sanity.  
Brett: Okay, sorry.  
Stevie: (Counts off Brett's faults as he drives.) He has no motor skills... He's bad with women, children, babies...old people, other NHLers... Heck, he's just bad with people in general. And he tends to shoot off his mouth whenever he damn well pleases.  
Brett: (Confidently.) LOTS of people like me.  
Shanny: *I* like him. (Pause. Brett eyes him oddly.) Not like THAT, Hully...  
Stevie: It's for his own good. Trust me, you'll thank me later.  
Brett: Oh goodie... (Rolls eyes.) That's what Pops said when he fired pucks at my head for getting into his liquor cabinet.  
::Flashback::  
Bobby Hull: That'll teach you, you punk!  
Brett: (Tied to tree. Whimpers.) Daddy, I'm sorry.  
Bobby: (Fires puck.) It's for your own good, son. You'll thank me (fires puck at Brett's head) later.  
-KaTHUNK-  
Brett: Owwie.  
::End Flashback::  
Brett: Good times, good times. (Smiles.)  
Stevie and Shanny: (Share looks.) Oooookay...  
-Meanwhile somewhere in a gated elite Metro Detroit neighborhood in a fancy mansion-  
Dom: See this, Nicky, this is Chinese finger trap.  
Nick: Oh boy. (Looks at Chelios.) Do I HAVE to?  
Chelios: You know the rules. Don't piss off the league's best goalie. And always wear clean underwear-  
Nick: (Cuts off Chelios.) For personal hygiene?   
Chelios: No, in case of alien abductions. (Smiles.)  
Nick: (Shudders.) Okay, Dom, let's see that Chinese finger trap! (Smiles encouragingly at Dominik.)  
Dom: (Sticks finger in one end and sticks Nick's finger in the other end.) See! Now you can't escape me!  
Nick: (Shudders.) Oh God, I'm stuck to Hot-shit! (Frantically pulls.) AYA! IT'S NOT COMING OFF!  
Dom: (Grins.) The harder the pull, the more futile it becomes. Mwahaha.  
-Chelios, Hasek and Lidström are sitting together in Hasek's den for some unexplained reason-  
Chelios: (Eating Fritos.) You losers. There's only one way to free yourself from a Chinese finger trap. Belch.  
Nick: How?  
Chelios: I want to move to Edmonton.  
Nick: Wha? Why?  
Chelios: So I can hunt polar bears. Why else?  
Nick: Those are found at the North Pole... Hence the name 'polar' bear. (Frowns.) Now about this Chinese finger trap...  
Chelios: Oh right... (Thinks.) I'll be right back. (Runs off.)  
Dom: My finger is losing circulumation.  
Nick: You mean circulation. (Frowns.)  
Dom: Doesn't this make you feel amorous? (Flutters eyelashes at Nick.)  
Nick: (Frowns.) No, why?  
Dom: (Cough.) Nevermind. Where is that Chelios feller? (Eyes dart around suspciously.)  
-Meanwhile-  
Stevie: (Pulls into parking space.) We're here, guys.  
Brett: I don't wanna go. I'll be good, I promise! (Sobs.)  
Stevie: Sorry, Brett, but you don't have a choice. Let's go. Bren, get him out of his seat.  
Shanny: (Huffs.) Okay, okay... (Unstraps Brett from baby seat.)  
Brett: Why did I have to sit in this baby seat?  
Shanny: It was Stevie's idea, don't ask me. Come on. (Pulls him out of Wing Mobile.) I think you'll like it here, Brett.  
Brett: NOOOOooooo! (Grabs onto car door as Shanny tries to drag him out of Wing Mobile.)  
Shany: Come...ON... (Huffs.)  
Brett: NO! (Kicks and screams, but Shanny pulls him out of Wing Mobile and shoves bag into his arms.) I don't wanna go! I promise I'll stop stealing your guyses jocks after hours! I promise!  
Stevie and Shanny: (Share looks.) Eh?  
-Meanwhile, in Hasek's swanky mansion-  
Dom: GRRRRRRRR! WHERE BE CHELIOS?!  
Chelios: (Comes back in with scissors.) I'm just going to cut the Chinese finger trap-  
Dom: (Pulls hand away.) NO!  
Nick: YES!   
Chelios: (Grabs finger trap and begins to cut.)  
Dom: NOOOOooooo! Stop cut!   
Chelios: (Continues cutting finger trap.) Unh... This is the only way to get it off.  
Dom: I be bleeding.  
Chelios: Uh oh. Chelly made a boo-boo.  
Dom: (Faints.)  
-Meanwhile-  
Stevie: (To lady.) This is our friend, Brett. He's here for charm school.  
Brett: I'm not even supposed to BE here today. (Pouts.)  
Shanny: Shut up. (Whaps him upside head.)  
Brett: I don't need charm school. I'm fine just the way I am!  
Shanny: I don't think you are, Brett.  
Brett: Shut up, Brendie. I don't have to take this.  
Shanny: How many times have I told you not to call me Brendie in public?  
Brett: Once. (In a small voice.) I'm not staying in this hell hole! (Runs off, chased by hounds.)  
Stevie: Dammit, I should've shackled him.  
Shanny: (Stares at him.) Uh, Steve? Isn't that, like, kidnapping?  
Stevie: Not if we, like, bring him back...   
Shanny: Oh, you're probably right.  
Stevie: What are we going to do about Brett?  
Shanny: I guess if he fucks up, we can just say it was from a bad charm school experience.  
Lady: This isn't charm school.  
Stevie: What is it then? (Annoyed.)  
Lady: OBEDIENCE school. (Points to hound.)   
Stevie and Shanny: Oops...   
Stevie: That would explain the dogs.  
Shanny: And the funny smells.  
-Brett is being chased by a rottweiler-  
Brett: (Runs by them.) YaaaaAAAAAAAAaaaaaah! Call off the hounds! Call off the hounds!  
Shanny: Well, at least he's getting his exercise. (Shrugs. He and Stevie leave.)


	24. The Real Steve Yzerman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was written in reaction to Wings fans complaining about Yzerman being selfish for not doing a curtain call after like his 4000th career assist or something on a disputed goal. 
> 
> Then he stayed evil. :(

-Following the Wings' overtime victory against Ottawa-  
Shanny: (Comes up to Steve's locker.) Hey Steve, you know, you did get your thousandth assist tonight. Don'cha think you should, you know, go back out and give a speech or somethin'?  
Stevie: I KNOW... (Rubs hands in anticipation.) Mwahahahahahaaaaa! Those suckers! They're all waitin' for me to go out and wave my stick! But you know what? I'm not doin' it! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Eyes glint evilly. Points to ground.) I'm pissing on you, you suckers! Stupid fans with nothing better to do! GET JOBS, YOU MISGUIDED FREAKS!  
Shanny: (A single tear rolls down his cheek.) But think of the children! The children! (Tears at hair.)  
Stevie: SCREW the children! I want to make those lifeless suckers suuuuuuffer!  
Dandenault: Gee, I think Evil Stevie's back...  
Stevie: That's right! I'm pure evil! SCREW the fans! They suck! (Laughs evilly.)  
Shanny: But they're the ones who pay our paycheques. (Thinks.) Hmmm, I said that in Canadian!  
Stevie: Well then it's their loss! (Laughs evilly.) And my gain!  
Legace: Stop laughing and looking at me like that.  
Stevie: Like how?  
Legace: Like you're going to...you know, kill me.  
Stevie: Maybe I AM!   
Shanny: Scottttttty, Stevie's multiple personality disorder is actin' up again!  
Bowman: You little shit, how could you snub the faithful fans like that?! (Whaps him upside head.) The ones who didn't leave during the second intermission were waiting around for you to come out and acknowledge your assist! You should be ashamed!  
Stevie: But I didn't even get the primary assist! I only draw attention to myself if I get the good points. Secondary assists, bah. Stupid Larionov had to make a fancy move. Dumb butt.  
Shanny: You're a prick.  
Stevie: I know. My wife says that all the time.  
Shanny: Your kids are going to need therapy...  
Stevie: If I keep it up, they will... (Rubs hands in anticipation.)  
::Flashback::  
Kid: Daddy, is that Santa on the roof?! (Claps hands.)  
Stevie: Lisa, get my shotgun!  
Kid: Waaaaah!  
::End Flashback::  
Dandenault: Wow, I didn't know Stevie was such a sick, sadomasochistic sonofabitch...  
Stevie: There's a lot you little pukes don't know about me. I just put on my conservative, nice-guy act for the media. I'm really a prick.  
Shanny: And how.  
Stevie: (Growls.) I'm the captain! So when I tell you to shut up, you shut up, got that?  
Shanny: Yessir.  
Stevie: Where are my slippers, pipe and robe?  
Bowman: Right here, sir.  
Stevie: (Snaps fingers.) Chop chop, Plate Head!  
Bowman: (Puts on Stevie's slippers and robe and puts pipe in his mouth, lighting it.) Here you go, master.  
Stevie: Okay, that will suffice, old man. Go...run along and...do something. (Snaps fingers.) I LOVE being a prick.  
Shanny: (Grumbles.) THAT'S for sure.  
Maltby: Heeey, that's MY line!  
Stevie: I hate the fans! I'm pissing on them right now! HAWHAWHAW!  
Scotty: You're not actually-  
Stevie: HELL NO, Plate Head! It was a figure of speech!  
Scotty: Oh.  
Stevie: Let's see... (Looks at agenda.) Who to screw over, who to screw over... The cancer kids!  
All: (Groan.)  
Stevie: My wife...? Nah, did that one all ready... (Looks at Mathieu Dandenault.) Give me the game puck!  
Dandenault: No! (Cowers.)  
Stevie: (Glares.) You DO know who I am, right?  
Dandenault: Evil Stevie?  
Stevie: (Nods.) Now giv¿e me the puck!  
Dandenault: Nooo. I'm putting it on my mantle!  
Stevie: NO! It's going on MY mantle because I'm the bigger star! (Snatches it away.)   
Dandenault: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!  
Bowman: Great, you made Dandy weep. You've broken him.   
Stevie: Heeheeheeeeee!  
Wharton: Okay, it's off to electroshock therapy you go! (Grabs Dandenault.)  
Dandenault: NOOOOOoooooooo!  
Stevie: MuWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! My plot is under way! I mean, everyone look at me! I'm a big star so kiss my ass and worship me!  
Shanny: You know some freaks probably jerk off to your poster at night, in their lonely one-bedroom lofts at night, whispering your name? (Touches Stevie's arm.)  
Stevie: (Pauses.) Uh. (Cough.) Really?  
Shanny: HOW THE HELL DO *I* KNOW?! (Eyes wide.)  
Stevie: (Inches closer to McCarty.) Oooookay...  
McCarty: Get away from me, you ratbastard.  
Stevie: But Shanny's frightening me.  
McCarty: I don't care, you're an ass. You deserve it.  
Stevie: But you're a goon! You're supposed to defend me!  
McCarty: I don't like you.  
Stevie: What?! But I'm a sex idol!  
Fischer: No you're not, *I* am.  
Datsyuk: And me. I be vote 50th sexiest people in Russian magazine. (Holds up magazine.)  
Devereaux: I'm starring in Kid Rock's newest video with Pamela Anderson.  
Hull: And I'm going to model in Abercrombie and Fitch with Mikey Mo. (Smiles.) You see? No one likes you. Your 'much ado about nothing' attitude has just scared off all the endorsements.  
Fedorov: And when was last time YOU was on cover of Sports Illustrated? Anna was on in August!  
Stevie: (Points at Sergei.) And she hasn't won a single set since!  
Fedorov: At least she's been on the cover of Sports Illustrated! You couldn't even get on the cover of the 'Inside Hockeytown' magazine!   
Stevie: You worthless minions aren't helping me out! (Stomps feet.)  
All: (Look at one another.)  
Shanny: Who's up for Mongolian Barbecue? I hear they make the food right in front of you.  
Devereaux: Kind of like sex shows at bordellos?  
Shanny: (Shocked.) You're too young for a bordello!  
Devereaux: I'm twenty-three.   
Hull: Let's go then, I like dog.  
Shanny: They don't serve dog at the Mongolian Barbecue.  
Hull: (Puts arm around Shanny's shoulders.) Let's go!  
Stevie: You're not leaving me behind! (Stamps feet.)  
Hasek: I be having a hankering for some bamboo.  
All: (Begin to filter out.)  
Stevie: (Looks at Bowman.) Why does no one love me?  
Bowman: Because you're Evil Stevie. (Leaves.)  
Stevie: (Sigh.) I'm all alone. Nobody loves me. (Sigh. Looks at Dandenault's locker. Smiles.) Sucker! I got the game puck!


	25. The One Where the Dallas Stars Talk About Hairstyles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think this is the first instance where Shanahan got killed off.
> 
> I should probably warn for temporary character death too.

-In Darryl Sydor's bedroom-  
Sydor: (Sleepily.) Mmmm. Mommy.  
Wife: Honey, someone's in our bedroom.  
Sydor: (Opens one eye.) AUUUGH! KEN HITCHCOCK! AREN'T YOU DEAD?!   
Hitchcock: (Apparition floats at foot of Sydor bed.) Nooooo... I'm the Ghost of Coaches Past, dimwit. I'm here to warn you...  
Sydor: Dear, what did you put in the chili?  
Wife: Cayenne pepper.  
Sydor: Uh, so you're seeing what I'm seeing?  
Wife: Yes dear.  
Sydor: Where's my shotgun?  
Hitchcock: (Disembodied voice. Points.) If you don't cut your hair, there will be serious repercusssssions! (Points.)  
Sydor: AAAAAAH! (Hides head under pillow.)  
Wife: Stop scaring him. He's just a little simple minded defenseman for the Dallas Stars! Go away!  
Hitchcock: Rowr. (Winks at her.)  
-Next morning at practise-  
Sydor: And he hit on my wife!  
Mikey Mo: I'm so glad we fired him!  
Sydor: But it was just a dream. The real Cap'n Kangaroo didn't hit on my wife.  
Mikey Mo: Oh, well you could've mentioned that before.  
Sydor: But I DID mention it, Mo. Five times.  
Mikey Mo: Oh... Anyone wanna know what Buffy and I did at SeaWorld last night?  
All: NO.  
Derian: My wife wants me to get my mullet cut.  
All: GASP!  
Mikey Mo: Not the mullet! That bitch!   
All: (Gape at him.)  
Derian: Did you just call my wife a bitch?  
Mikey Mo: No! I called her, uh, a witch!  
Derian: Grrr...  
Matty: Didn't you just tell her, "Woman, don't mess wit da hair"?  
Derian: I did, but she got mad at me and threatened to leave me if I didn't cut the mullet. She said, "Derian, we're not country hicks. You were born in Michigan for Christ's sake. Why don't you cut the damn mullet?"  
Matty: Oooh how low.  
Sydor: Your hair sucks, Derian. She's right.  
All: (Look at Sydor.)  
Derian: Syd, look in the mirror some time.  
Mikey Mo: (Pulls out pocket mirror.) Here.  
Sydor: (Looks.) I like it... It's my 'bad boy' look. (Fluffs hair.)  
Verbeek: You still look like Jamie Pushor.  
Belfour: (Walks by.) Don't mention that name around me.  
Verbeek: Why? Pushor Pushor Pushor!  
Belfour: Just because, that's why! (Whacks Verbeek in groin with goal stick.)  
Verbeek: Owwie. (Holds crotch and faints.)  
Turco: So how come that name is taboo around here?  
Sydor: Because he friggin' sucked, Marty.  
Turco: Oh. Well... (Pause.) I think you look like Adam Sandler.  
Sydor: NOOOOOOOooooo! (Wails.) Stop saying that! You don't know how many fans come up to me asking me to quote 'Waterboy' lines! AAAAAAAH! ( Rips at hair.)  
Turco: This team is psycho. I should've stayed in college.  
Mikey Mo: But you had to graduate.  
Turco: I could've purposely failed my Rocks for Jocks class.  
Mikey Mo: Huh?  
Turco: Geology class, no-brain. Imagine all the parties I could've attended... All the freshmen meat I could've initiated... (Sigh. Rubs hands together like Mr. Burns and cackles evilly.)  
All: (Inch closer to Belfour, who is whacking Verbeek with his stick.)  
Sydor: (Looks at watch.) Looks like it's time for this parody to end.  
All: Hmm?   
Brendan Shanahan: (Walks by.) And how. (Is flattened by Stevie Y's Porsche.)


	26. The One Where the Red Wings Pass Out Valentines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which stalking, extramarital affairs, and stun guns are talked about rather cavalierly.

-In the bowels of the Joe Louis Arena-  
Stevie: Okay, everyone. Time to pass out our Valentine's cards. (Hands a pile to Shanny.) Happy Valentine's.  
Shanny: Awww! I LOVE this one! Heheheheeee! I choo-chooooose you! Heheheee! (Giggles.) Ralph Wiggum, what a scribe.  
Dom Dom: What about us, Stevie? Don't you have card for me, best goalie in third world?  
Stevie: No.  
Dom Dom: Why?  
Stevie: Because I don't like you and I never did. Get bent.  
Dom Dom: Don't mind if I do!   
-Players begin passing out cards-  
McCarty: Drapes got more than me! No fair!  
Draper: Hey! Someone gave me a garter? (Holds up frilly Red Wing garter.)   
Shanny: (Snatches it out of his hand.) That's MINE! How'd that get in there?  
Stevie: You wear a garter?  
Shanny: For good luck. So that I can score. (Pause.) Goals. Score goals. (To self.) That sounded convincing, right self?  
Holmstrom: Hehe, a Star Wars Valentine! (Reads.) Let the Wookiee win... (Pause.) I don't look like a Wookiee, Shanny! That is mean!  
Shanny: (Giggles.)  
Lidström: From your secret admirer -   
All: OOOOOOOOH!  
Lidström: Roses are black, violets are red. What's it gonna take to get you into bed? I'll meet you in the trainer's room at ten pm. Please come naked. (Looks around at teammates.) Who gave me this?  
All: Uh... (Everyone looks around, suspiciously.)  
Stevie: You guys, this is really weird. What if it's some psycho?  
Shanny: But this is a player's-only Valentine's swap.  
Stevie: My point exactly.  
Lidström: I'm scared.  
Stevie: I would be too if some freak wanted to get you into bed.  
Lidström: You mean it's a man?  
Stevie: Are any of us women?  
McCarty: Well, Malts wears makeup - OOF! (Fist connects with Darren's face.)  
Lidström: (Sigh.) I guess I'll have to go see what he wants... But I should bring my stun gun.  
Stevie: You own a stun gun?  
Lidström: Of course.  
Legace: And how did you get your hands on a stun gun, Nicky?  
Lidström: Off the Internet, of course...   
-Later on in trainer's office-  
Lidström: (Whistles.) Sigh, nobody's here. (Sits on examining table.)  
-Door opens-  
Voice: Glad you made it.   
Lidström: GASP!  
-Meanwhile-  
Chelly: Dom Dom, what have I told you about trying to have sex with inanimate objects?  
Dom Dom: That it is bad?  
Chelly: Right. Now let's get back to watching When Cab Drivers Attack. (Eats Cheetohs.)  
Legace: You should stop eating Cheetohs. They aren't healthy. (Drinks beer and eats pork rinds.)  
Dom Dom: We're getting fat. We should go down to a gym and bulk up.  
Legace: And check out the fine ladies.  
Chelly: You really need to do something about your little problem, Manny.  
Legace: Like have sex with random puckbunnies?  
Chelly: No, go see a head doctor.  
Legace: So what if I likes the womens? The womens like me!  
Chelly: Well, they only come because *I* am a sex stud!  
Dom Dom: No, you're not a sex stud.  
Chelly: And you would know?  
Dom Dom: PITOMEC! (Chucks bucket of fried chicken at Chelly's head.)  
-Later-  
Lidström: B-b-but! NOOOOOoooooooo! Not you!  
Voice: (Steps out from shadows.) That red garter was for you, manlover.  
Lidström: But! EEEEEEK! (Faints.)  
-Later, at a gym-  
Dom Dom: (Wearing a Speedo.) How do I look? (Twirls around.)  
Legace: I think I've gone blind.  
Chelly: Oh my God, I SOO did not need to see his bony ass in a - gasp - Speedo!  
Dom Dom: Why don't you two put on Speedos so we can look like triplets?  
Legace: I DON'T want to wear one of those THINGS, Dom Dom. I'm trying to pick UP chicks, not scare them away!  
Dom Dom: Don't you have a wife?  
Legace: And your point is...?  
Chelly: We all have wives. What's your point?  
Dom Dom: Nevermind...   
Legace: (Waves to girl in bikini. Beckons to her.) Hey there, baby!   
Girl: Yeah?  
Legace: I made you come with one finger. Imagine what I could do with my whole hand.  
Girl: (Smacks him.)  
-Meanwhile in Johnny's lair (ie Torture Chamber of Horrors)-  
Lidström: YOU'RE my secret admirer?


	27. Shanny's LoveShack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is crossdressing and Shanahan trying to seduce Lidström. And they're all horribly out of character except for maybe Hasek. This was really just an excuse for me to use a bunch of bad pickup lines I found.

-Meanwhile, an angry chick storms away from Manny, Dom and Chelly-   
Dom Dom: That's the fifth chick you've chased off.  
Legace: It's their loss. (Scopes out another woman.) Babeage, ten oclock.  
Chelly: Haven't we told you to stop hanging around Duchesne?  
Legace: He's fun to talk to. He has some pretty interesting sayings. Like, 'I counted my eggs before they hatched and nothing bad happened to me'. Or, 'When I was a boy, I had a pet dog. He got hit by an autobus and he died. AHOY!' Or the classic, 'When life gives you lemons, make lemonade and throw it in the eyes of the guy who stole your wife'.  
Chelly: You really shouldn't talk to him anymore. I think he's on crack.  
Legace: (Shrugs.) Oh well. Look! Hot babe, nine oclock!  
Dom Dom: That's a man.  
Legace: A WOMAN!  
Chelly: Okay you guys, you two haven't had any luck picking up chicks, so let's just go work out now.  
Legace: (Shoulders slump.) Okay. (Pouts.)  
Dom Dom: I'll have that one iff'n that the last thing I ever do!  
-Meanwhile, in Johnny's Torture Chamber of Terror-  
Lidström: So that red garter was mean for me, not Drapes?  
Voice: (Nods.) I'm Irish.   
Lidström: I know that, Brendan.  
Shanny: Do YOU have any Irish in you?   
Lidström: No, I'm Swedish, shit-for-brains.  
Shanny: Would you like some?  
Lidström: I think I should be going now.  
Shanny: Not so fast! (Turns on mood lighting, disco ball and reveals a round bed.)  
Lidström: What the - I've got a baaad feeling about this.  
-Meanwhile at the ladies' gym, or more accurately, the parking lot of the ladies' gym-  
Legace: How did *I* know we had to be women to get into the lockerroom?  
Chelly: It said WOMEN on the door, numbnuts.  
Legace: I thought it was just to let men know that there were women inside. And I am most definitely not numbnuts, pencil dick.  
Dom Dom: You saw his dick?  
Legace: In the showers. We ARE athletes. And we DO shower together. NUDE.  
Chelly: That's not important. What IS important is how to get back into that gym.  
Legace: WE DRESS UP AS WOMEN! (Pumps fist in air.)  
Dom Dom: YES!  
Chelly: Bu-but! NO!  
Dom Dom: Two against one! We outnumber you! To the boutique!  
-Meanwhile-  
Shanny: (Clicks remote. Bed begins to spin.)   
Lidström: Let me out! (Runs to door.)  
Shanny: Sorry, lover, but you'll be needing this. (Waves doorknob.)  
Lidström: Psycho!  
Shanny: You know you want me.  
Lidström: I don't.  
Shanny: You don't want me or you don't know you want me?  
Lidström: The first one... No, the second one... No, the first - oh hell! JEDI MIND TRICKS! (Points, accusingly.)  
Shanny: (Removes robe. Wearing red satin thong shaped like a heart.) Come to me, my little lovebutton!  
Lidström: (Makes sign of cross with fingers.) AAAAAAAI! (Passes out.)  
-Meanwhile-  
Legace: (Wearing blonde curly wig, three-inch heels, leather miniskirt and bra top.) I'm EMMANUELLE, got it?  
Chelly: Emmanuelle? The French pornos?  
Legace: NO, dumbass! (Whacks him in face with manpurse.)  
Dom Dom: (Puts socks down bra and pulls at crotch of tight leather pants.) Dis is worse than the thong.   
Chelly: My name is going to be Ambersunshine Starlight Sonata.  
Legace: (Eyes widen in horror.) What the fu -   
Chelly: I got it from a porno I watched last night.  
Dom Dom: I was your roomie and you watched a porno without me?  
Legace: Okay, Dom. What's your name?  
Dom Dom: I think I shall call myself... Wonder Woman!  
Legace: You can't call yourself Wonder Woman! That's under copyright, ding dong!  
Dom Dom: Okay... (Thinks.)   
Chelly: This is taking too long. I'm going to name you Ivana Humpalott.  
Dom Dom: I am Ivana Humpalott! (Pumps fist in air and runs for gym.)  
Legace: You know they'll never buy it.  
Chelly: I just wanted to see what the chicks would do to him.  
-Meanwhile in Shanny's Love Shack-  
Shanny: I want you to want me! I need you to need me! (On knees, holding a stethoscope as a mic.)  
Lidström: (Curled into ball under examining table.) Stop singing! My ears hurt.  
Shanny: Come on, Nicky. You're no fun.  
Lidström: I know, Brendan. Now let me out. I think you hit your head or something.  
Shanny: (Grabs Nick's arm.) I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand!  
Lidström: (Bitchslaps him.)  
Shanny: Was that a lovetap? (Holds face.)  
Lidström: No. It was a bitchslap.  
Shanny: It's not my fault I'm feeling...amorous right now.  
Lidström: You frighten me. I KNEW they should've made Feds alternate captain!  
-Meanwhile. in a ladies' gym lockerroom-  
Emmanuelle: (In ridiculously high pitched voice.) Hel-LO ladies!  
Woman in Towel: Who are you? Are you girls new here?  
Emmanuelle: Yes, I'm Emmanuelle Legacy. This is my friend Ambersunshine Starlight Sonata.  
Ambersunshine: (Deep voice.) Hello. (Coughs.)  
Woman in Towel: Do you have FIVE OCLOCK SHADOW?  
Ambersunshine: (Squeaks.) Don't make fun of me! I have, uh, Human Werewolf Syndrome!   
Woman in Towel2: And who are you? (Looks at Dom Dom distastefully.)  
Ivana: (Is wearing tight leather pants, a cropped top, and a blonde wig.) Ivana Humpalott. I'm from the Czech Republic.  
Woman in Towel2: Oh really? I am too! Ahoj!   
Ivana: Jaky is tvuj jméno? (Translation: What is your name?)  
Woman in Towel2: Ma jméno Bozena. (Translation: Bozena.)  
Ivana: Potreba az k mít lehké polední jídlo s mne? (Translation: Want to have lunch with me?)  
Bozena: Ano! (Translation: Sure!)  
Ivana: (Leaves with Bozena.)  
Ambersunshine: (Looks at Emmanuelle.) They were supposed to slap him and run, which would cause their towels to fall off! (Growls.)   
Emmanuelle: He is SO dead when we get back to the Joe!  
-Meanwhile, back at Shanny's Love Ranch-  
Shanny: Let's have a party and invite your pants to come on down.  
Lidström: NO.  
Shanny: That's a nice shirt, it would go great with my floor?  
Lidström: NO!  
Shanny: I think about you when I masturbate?  
Lidström: That's gross. And no, that doesn't make me change my mind. (Hidden in cupboard.)  
Shanny: Uh... (Thinks.) I'm feeling a little off today. Would you like to turn me on?   
Lidström: I suggest you give up. Johnny will find us.  
Shanny: Damn.   
Lidström: (Sigh.)  
Shanny: I know you're just playing hard to get, you sweet little Swede you.  
Lidström: And I can't believe you took the doorknob off. What if we can never get out of here? We'll die. TOGETHER. IN JOHNNY'S TORTURE CHAMBER OF TERROR.  
Shanny: I'm willing to risk that, lovemuffin.  
Lidström: (Jumps out of cupboard and begins pounding on door.) LET ME OUT OF HERE! LET ME OUT! AAAAAAAAH!  
Shanny: (Sniff.)  
Lidström: Shut up, mammaknullare! Unless you can put the door back together, I am never talking to you again! EVER! I'm going to be claustrophobic!  
Shanny: I don't know how to fix it...  
Lidström: (Stops pounding door and stares at him.) You WHAT?! (Murderous gleam glints in his eyes.)  
Shanny: Why are you, uh, looking at me like that? (Giggles nervously.)  
Lidström: (Pounce.)  
-Meanwhile-  
Legace: (Sitting on curb outside local Oakland County Holding Cell.) You know, I wish Dom Dom didn't get himself arrested.  
Chelly: You know, if we'd picked up chicks, we could've gotten arrested too. (Eats M & Ms.)  
Legace: Oh well. We should let the bastard suffer.  
Chelly: Mwahahaha.  
Legace: We're evil.  
Chelly: And how.  
-Back to Shanny's Love Tunnel-  
Shanny: AAAAH! NICK! YOU'RE HURTING ME! OW!  
Lidström: (Twisting his arm behind his head.) YOU STUPID LITTLE...AAAAAAH! (Pulls his hair.)  
-Door opens-  
Wharton: Guys? What the hell are you doing? What's with the mood lighting? The rotating bed? The smoke machines? The champagne, flowers and silk bedsheets? (Eyes dart around nervously.) Are you guys having sex?  
Shanny and Lidström: No.  
Wharton: Aw damn. (Walks over to sink and removes little camera.) There goes my amateur porn career.   
-Exit Wharton-  
Lidström: (Lets go of Shanny's arm.) Wow, have I ever told you how much we need a new trainer?  
Shanny: (Rubs arm.) I second THAT emotion. I caught him dancing around in my jock after we beat the Wild on New Years' Eve!  
Lidström: Sorry about the ass kicking.  
Shanny: Hehe. Nicky said ass.  
Lidström: Don't make GhettoNicky whup ya ass again!  
Shanny: Um, right.  
-Back at the County Jail-  
Dom Dom: LET ME OUT! I AM WORLD FAMOUS GOALIE WHO HAVE WIN FIVE VEZINAS! LET ME GOOOOOOOO! (Rattles bars.)  
Person: Have you won a Cup yet?  
Dom Dom: No. (In a small voice.)  
Person: MWAHA! (Evilly.)  
Dom Dom: So I'm stuck in this hellhole?  
Person: Yes! MWAHAHAHA.  
Dom Dom: Whatever. I'll just have my lawyer pay you off.  
Person: Not in THIS lifetime, buddy.  
Dom Dom: (Sigh.)   
Jailer: Hey Hot-shit, you're free to go.  
Dom Dom: Yippee. (He exits jail cell with jailer person.)   
Bored Sounding Person Behind a Plexiglas Window: Okay, here's your belongings: one bra, one blonde wig, one tube of lipstick, one thong, one garter, one -   
Dom Dom: Can you not speak those items out loud in this place? (Looks around nervously.)  
Bored Sounding Person Behind a Plexiglas Window: Sorry, it's my job. Where were we... Okay, one Playgirl magazine, two rolled up socks used to stuff into a bra, and one case of eyeliner. Did I miss anything?  
Dom Dom: NO. (Growls and takes his box away, with Manny and Chelly.) Thanks for busting me out, guys. Will Bowman ever be pissed if he finds out.  
Chelly: He all ready knows.  
Dom Dom: How?  
Legace: We told him.  
Chelly: You mean YOU told him. I had no part in this!  
Dom Dom: Why would you tell him, Manny? What is my fate?  
Legace: You're suspended for a week. (Eyes dart around shiftily.) Ohhh... No reason...  
-The three of them head back for the JLA-


	28. The One Where the Red Wings Adopt a Petting Zoo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More stupid inside jokes.

-In the JLA lockerroom-  
Chelios: That rash won’t go away if you keep picking at it.  
Duchesne: But it really hurts! (Whine.)  
Chelios: I’m going to slash you in the groin.  
Duchesne: Why?  
Chelios: Because then you’ll have more important things on your mind than the stupid rash. (Picks up stick.) C’mere.  
Duchesne: (Runs off shrieking.)  
Yzerman: (Enters.) Chelly, put down that stick!  
Chelios: But —   
Yzerman: What have I told you about maiming teammates?  
Chelios: Shucks. (Kicks at stick.)   
Hasek: So why did you call team meeting, fearless leader?  
Yzerman: I have an announcement to make.  
Shanny: You’re pregnant?  
Yzerman: No. (Glare.)  
Shanny: Phew… (Wipes brow.)  
Yzerman: The PR staff is turning our lockerroom into a petting zoo.  
McCarty: Why?!  
Yzerman: The money, why else? It’s going to be called the Hockeytown Petting Zoo and we’re going to charge ten bucks a person to pet the animals.  
Fedorov: That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of!  
Maltby: No, the dumbest thing I ever heard of was a Grind Line toilet seat cover.  
Draper: I own one of those!  
McCarty: You are SO not my best friend anymore! (Looks at Sergei.) Hi Feds.  
Fedorov: Don’t even think about it, Mac.  
McCarty: (Innocently.) About what?  
Fedorov: Putting the moves on me.  
McCarty: And why would I do that?  
Fedorov: Because I’m a beautiful man. Why else? (Fluffs blonde hair.) I am not sharing my locker with a farm animal.  
Draper: You’re all ready sharing a lcokerroom with Malts. What’s one more animal?   
Maltby: You little —   
Yzerman: The Zoo people should be here any minute! (Pretends to be excited.) Put on your happy faces, guys! Animals pick up on fear!  
Larionov: Why do I have the distinct feeling that this will end in mayhem?  
-A few hours later-  
Hull: (Chasing goat around lockerroom.) HEY!  
Shanny: What’s the matter, Hully?  
Hull: That goddamned billy goat has my mangirdle!  
Shanny: You wear a mangirdle?  
Hull: Not anymore, unless you can get that goat to give me back my mangirdle! (Stomps feet.) Give it back!   
Goat: (Stare.)   
Hull: Come on! (Stomps feet.) You’re not playing fair!  
Goat: (Stare.)  
Shanny: Brett, it’s an animal.  
Hull: I know it understands me. I can see it in her eyes. (Gets on knees and crawls toward goat.) Come on, Mrs. Billy Goat, I need my mangirdle to hold my groin in place.  
Goat: (Stare.)  
Datsyuk: SHALAVA!  
Goat: (Drops mangirdle and runs off.)  
Hull: (Looks at Pavel.) How’d you do that?  
Datsyuk: I speak goat.  
Hull: Thanks, Mojo Jojo. I mean, Pavs.   
Devereaux: I think the chimps are mating in my locker.  
Shanny: But they’re males.  
Devereaux: Whatever the hell they are, they’re mating in my stall! Where my clothes are! (Points.) They’re probably getting fluids all over the —  
Hull: TMI, Boyd.  
Shanny: Steve, this has been an utter disaster.  
Yzerman: Well, only a few more days, guys.  
Lidström: Are you sure snakes belong in a petting zoo?  
Yzerman: Sure, why not?  
Lidström: They could eat a small child.  
Yzerman: You watch the Crocodile Hunter too much. Snakes don’t eat children.  
Hasek: Owwie.  
Yzerman: (Sighs.) What now?  
Hasek: Horsie just kicked me in my groinal zone.  
Hull: You deserved it.  
Hasek: All I did was pull on its tail.  
Yzerman: Maybe this was a bad idea.  
Chelios: (Runs up to Steve and the others.) Look! I trained the parrot!  
Parrot: Bowman is a fatass who wears women’s lingerie! RAWK!  
Lidström: Dude! Get him to say ‘Lidström is a sexy man’!  
Parrot: Lidström has sex with men. RAWK!  
Chelios: Don’t look at me!  
Parrot: Chelios touches himself! RAWK!  
Chelios: The stupid thing’s broken!  
Lidström: Say, ‘Lidström is a sexy man’!  
Parrot: Lidström touches Chelios. RAWK!  
Lidström: Let me at him!  
-Others hold Lidström back-  
Legace: It’s just a bird, Nick.  
Lidström: A demon bird.  
Avery: (Tugs on Nick’s sleeve.) Uh guys?  
Yzerman: What now?! (Exasperated.)  
Avery: The billy goat is eating Hull.  
-All look at Hull. His hand is in the goat’s mouth-  
Fedorov: Brett?  
Yzerman: Are you okay?  
Hull: The damn thing ate my Stanley Cup ring!  
Hasek: HAHA!  
Hull: Well, I actually won the Cup, so there.  
Hasek: (Face drops.)  
Hull: (Pulls out lighter, pen and empty tuna can.) Who’s been feeding Mrs. Billy Goat trash? (Pulls out a candy bar wrapper, a condom wrapper, and a Speedo.) Uh, guys…?  
Hasek: Speedo is mine. Just destroying evidence. (Snatches it away.)  
Hull: You can’t feed billy goats Speedos, shit-for-brains!  
Hasek: I’ll keep that in mind.  
Hull: AHA! My ring! (Gasps.) The diamonds are gone! YOU STUPID GOAT! (Yells.)  
Goat: Baa.  
Hull: I’m going to make you my dinner yet! (Waves fist at goat.)  
Yzerman: No one is eating anyone, got it?  
Holmström: (Nibbling on Duchesne.) Damn.  
Bowman: (Enters office, surveys chaos.) What the — There’s a chimpanzee on my desk! Shoo!  
Draper: (Out of corner of mouth.) How are we going to explain this one, guys?  
Yzerman: That’s easy. They followed us home from Florida.  
All: Uh…


	29. The One Where Patty Roy is a Crime Fighting Machine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THERE IS POLICE BRUTALITY AND GAY JOKES HERE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

-At the Pepsi Center after their 2-2 tie w/Calgary-  
Tanguay: I want a sex change so I can feel myself up.  
Sakic: (Thinks.) If that’s not the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard —   
Patty: I want to be a super hero.  
Sakic: That is.  
Foote: Why do you want to be a super hero, Patty?  
Patty: So I can get a comic book made about me. Why else?  
Vrbata: That’s cool.  
Patty: I’m da best goalie in da world. Why wouldn’t dey make a comic book about me?  
Podein: Can I come up with a name for you?  
Patty: What did you ‘ave in mind?  
Podein: Oh… Assman, the man with the ass of steel!  
Patty: Dat’s terrible.  
Podein: Uh… Le Magnifique Gidigne?  
Patty: Da Magnificent what?!  
Podein: Nevermind.  
Sakic: What about… The Fantastic Rubber Man? Who has a neck of rubber?  
Patty: No, dat would be my gidigne.  
Yelle: (Giggles.)  
Patty: Next.  
Riku Hahl: The Dark Overlord of Montréal.  
Patty: ‘o da ‘ell are you?  
Hahl: Riku Hahl. I’m a rookie.   
Patty: Didn’t you die?  
Hahl: The last time I checked, I was still alive.  
Patty: Oh. (Eyes him suspiciously.)   
Reinprecht: The Flying Frenchman?  
Patty: It sounds gay.  
Sakic: The Fierce Frenchman?  
Patty: Nope, still gay.  
Aebischer: Super Goalie, the Lord of the Goalies?  
Patty: I like dat one! Now all I need is a costume and a super power, and I’m set!  
Yelle: A red cape, a pink leotard and the ability to see through girls’ clothes.  
Patty: Dat’s stupid. And ‘ow’s seeing trough girls’ clothes a super power?  
Yelle: (Shrugs.) I dunno. I thought it’d be cool.  
Sakic: How about a black spandex body suit and the ability to stop pucks with lightning reflexes?  
Patty: Dat I can do.  
-During their game against the Dallas Stars-  
Thorne: Patrick Roy is wearing a black leotard. Is he allowed to do that?  
Clement: Dallas is arguing that it’s not league approved. And the Avs are getting an illegal uniform penalty and Patrick Roy is being sent back to the lockerroom to change. How embarrassing. And how binding at the crotch.  
Patty: (Runs into booth.) I am Super Goalie, Dark Overlord of Goalies!  
Cop: (Clubs him on head.)  
Thorne: Was that really necessary?  
Cop: Yes.


	30. The One Where Shanny and Chelly Have a Medal Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jokes about concussions and medication abounds. And Olympic medals.
> 
> That's it for today.

-At Nicklas Lidström’s house-  
Holmström: (Runs into Lidström’s house.) Hide me Nicky.  
Lidström: Why? What did you do now, Homer?  
Holmström: I don’t think Bowman likes me anymore.  
Lidström: Why not?  
Holmström: I accidentally ran over his dog with my car.  
Lidström: You accidentally ran over his dog with your car?!  
Holmström: (Looks around.) Replace ‘accidentally’ with repeatedly and ‘dog’ with son.  
Lidström: Uh oh.  
-Meanwhile-  
Chelios: Take that! (Swings silver medal at Shanny’s bare leg.)  
Shanny: Ow! (Swings gold medal at Chelly’s head.)  
-Enter Yzerman-  
Yzerman: What the hell are you two doing?  
Shanny: (Points.) He started it.  
Chelios: We’re having a medal fight. (Swings medal at Shanny’s head.)  
Medal: Thwack.  
Shanny: (Giggle.) That sounded cool. Do it again!  
Chelios: Gladly. (Raises arm.)  
Yzerman: (Steps in front of Shanahan.) No! Don’t you dare give our leading scorer a concussion!  
Shanny: (Looks at welts on arms.) Aw, but Steve, we were having fun.  
Chelios: (Pouts.) Party pooper.  
Yzerman: I don’t want to see —  
Medal: WHACK!  
Yzerman: (Rubs back of head.) OW! (Spins around. Chelly and Shanny scamper off.) BRETT!  
Brett: (Giggle.)  
Medal: THWACK!  
Brett: (Rubs eye.) You’re still wearing that thing, Stevie?  
Yzerman: (Blows on medal like smoking gun.) I don’t intend to take it off. Not until the Tigers win a Superbowl.  
Brett: Uh…  
Yzerman: (Eyes him convincingly.) Not until the Tigers win a Superbowl.  
Brett: Okay Steve…   
-Meanwhile-  
Holmström: (Wearing beard and wig.) Are you sure this will work?  
Lidström: Yes.  
Holmström: So my name is Mike Rotch?  
Lidström: Okay, why not? But when Bowman comes to my house looking for you, you’re an oil magnate from Lubbock, Texas. Got it?  
Holmström: Okay. Oil magnet.  
Lidström: Magnate.  
Holmström: Same thing.  
Bowman: (Bangs on door.) WHERE THE HELL IS HOLMSTRÖM?!  
Holmström: Eep!  
-Meanwhile-  
Shanny: Mommy.  
Chelios: I’m not your Mommy. (Yzerman whacks him upside the head.) What was THAT for?  
Yzerman: For giving him a concussion, genius!  
Shanny: The last time I piggy back rode was during a full moon.  
Hull: He’s broken. (Raises medal.) Let me fix him.  
Yz›erman: NO! That’s how he got into this mess in the first place!  
Shanny: Hully, why are there two of you?  
Hull: I really want to fix him, Steve!  
Yzerman: Not now, Brett. Maybe when he’s not concussed anymore.  
-Enter Holmström and Lidström-  
Holmström: Don’t tell Scotty I’m here! (Hides behind Dandenault.)  
Dandenault: What happened now?  
Lidström: The bumper of Homer’s car and Scotty’s son Stanley happened.  
Holmström: It wasn’t like I was aiming for the guy! (Quietly.) I thought it was Scotty…  
Shanny: Moo cows give milk!  
Holmström: What’s with him?  
Yzerman: Chelly gave him a concussion.  
Duchesne: Scotty named his son Stanley?  
Yzerman: (Sighs.) You’re in for it, Homer.  
Holmström: My name isn’t Tomas Holmström anymore.  
Fedorov: What is it, then?  
Holmström: Jamie Macoun.  
Maltby: You look absolutely nothing like Jamie Macoun. And didn’t he retire in 1999?  
Holmström: Well, he’s retired no longer.  
Maltby: Okaaaay…  
Shanny: Donkey shingles razorblade underpants!  
Datsyuk: I’m afraid of him.  
Fischer: Me too.  
Devereaux: Me three.   
-The three of them huddle together, shivering in fear-  
Bowman: (Enters lockerroom with rifle.) Where is Holmström?!  
Maltby: There’s no Holmström here!  
Holmström: Don’t be so obvious!  
Bowman: (Looks at Homer.) Who the devil are you?  
Holmström: Jamie Macoun.  
Bowman: Didn’t you retire three years ago?  
Holmström: Nooo…  
Shanny: Super duper pooper scooper! Paratrooper!  
Bowman: (Attention diverted to Shanny.) What’s the matter with him?  
Holmström: (Lets out sigh of relief.)  
Hull: He got a concussion from friendly fire.  
Chelios: (From showers.) I did it with pure malice in my heart.  
Shanny: My sticks speak to me. Number Five says numbers one through four aren’t really my friends and are plotting my demise.  
Legace: Maybe he shouldn’t play today against Florida.  
Hasek: Poppycock, he’s fine! (Pats Shanny’s shoulder.)  
Shanny: (To Dom.) Cathy? (Tries to kiss him.)  
Hasek: (Giggle.) That tickles.  
Yzerman: (Pulls Shanny back.) That’s Hasek, Bren.  
Shanny: Ha-suck?  
Yzerman: No, Hasek.  
Shanny: Hot-shit?  
Hasek: LEMME AT HIM! (Pounce.)  
Shanny: The poodle flies at midnight!  
Hasek: (Stops in midair.) What?  
Draper: Make him stop!  
Yzerman: (Hands Brendan off to Johnny Wharton.) Do with him what you must. Just fix him in time for tonight’s game against the Panthers!  
-Later on in lockerroom-  
Shanny: Hi Dom.  
Hasek: Get bent, assplug.  
Shanny: (To Hull.) What’s his deal?  
Hull: (Shrug.)  
Yzerman: (To Wharton, whispers.) What did you do to him?  
Wharton: (Shrug.) I gave him some Vicodan and Morphine. He should be fine.  
Yzerman: Vicodan? Isn’t that habit forming?  
Wharton: Well, at least he isn’t talking crazy talk anymore.  
Yzerman: True.  
Shanny: (Has Hull by throat.) VICODAN! NOW!  
Wharton: If anyone asks, I’m in Switzerland. (Runs off.)


	31. The One Where the Red Wings Take Tap Dancing Lessons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fuck me. I'm just gonna post the rest of it and get it off my hands.
> 
> I think I stole this plotline from the Simpsons.

-At the Igloo before their game v. the Penguins-  
Yzerman: If we win this game, we get 96 points.  
Lidström: Let’s take tap dancing lessons.  
Duchesne: Why?  
Lidstrom: Why not?  
Duchesne: We’re all men… I think.  
Lidström: So, I’m at one with my masculinity. It would be fun.  
Fedorov: Sergei Fedorov doesn’t tap dance.  
Lidström: Is that because it’s not manly, or because you never learned how?  
Fedorov: (Meekly.) The latter.  
Lidström: It’s never too late to start!  
Yzerman: Can we get back to the game at hand? (No one is paying attention to him.) Guys? Guys?  
-After the game. Team is showering-  
Hull: So when do our tap lessons start?  
Lidström: Tomorrow. Bring a leotard and tap shoes.  
Hull: Okay… But a leotard?  
Lidström: Yep.  
Hasek: What if you only own Speedos?  
Shanny: Don’t mention that while I’m showering.  
Hasek: Why not?  
Shanny: Because then I picture you wearing a Speedo while I touch myself, and I do not need to throw up today.  
Lidström: Tap lessons at noon!  
-Next day, at noon-  
Lidström: (In red spandex leotard.) Hmmm, Devereaux’s missing.  
Dandenault: I feel naked.  
Fedorov: I feel naked too. Not that a naked Sergei Fedorov is a bad thing…  
Yzerman: I feel really dumb.  
Hull: And you look dumb too  
Yzerman: I’d sooo kick you in your ass, but I’d split the seat of my pants.  
Hull:   
Chelios: I’m too sexy for my shirt, I’m too sexy for my shirt. So sexy it hurts… (Removes shirt.)  
Yzerman: Stop dancing like that. It’s disturbing. And oddly arousing.  
Chelios: Okay. (Moves closer to Shanny, who is wearing his cup.) Is that a banana in your pants or are you just happy to see me?  
Shanny: Actually it’s my cup.  
Chelios: And why would you wear your cup to tap lessons?  
Shanny: (Shrugs.) You never know. Some of the steps might be hard.  
-Enter teacher-  
Teacher: I’m Mrs. Winslow.  
All: Hi Mrs. Winslow.  
Lidström: Here Mrs. Winslow. (Hands her an apple.)  
Dandenault: (Whispers.) Lids is a suckup.  
Lidström: Am not.  
Mrs. Winslow: Why, thank you Nicklas.  
Dandenaultå: (Whispers.) Am too.  
Mrs. Winslow: First, I’d like the new studens to introduce themselves.   
Avery: I’m Sean Avery and I think this is really gay.  
Dandenault: I’m Mathieu Dandenault and my leotard is cutting off circulation in my scrotum.  
Devereaux: I’m Boyd Devereaux and I ate the leftover hotdog in Dom’s locker.  
Hasek: That wasn’t a hotdog.  
Devereaux: Urk! (Runs off holding hand to mouth.)  
Draper: I’m Kris Draper and the Red Wings acquired me for one Canadian dollar. ONE Canadian dollar!  
Fedorov: I’m Sergei Fedorov and I only date teenaged girls.  
Hasek: I’m Dominik Hasek and I’m selling videos of myself at http://www.haseksex.org.  
Holmström: I’m Tomas Holmström and I like long walks on the beach and candlelit dinners.  
Hull: I’m Brett Hull and my stick has a wicked curve. (Wink wink.)  
Larionov: I’m Igor Larionov and I’m not with these freaks.  
Legage: I’m Manny Legace and I’m addicted to sex.  
Datsyuk: You forgot me.  
Hull: No we didn’t, Enrique.  
Datsyuk: But my name isn’t Enrique.  
Hull: It is now, Enrique.  
Maltby: My turn.  
McCarty: No, my turn.  
Maltby: A before C, doof.  
McCarty: But "Mc" names go first, nimrod!  
Mrs. Winslow: I think I have your names down.  
Chelios: You forgot me.  
Mrs. Winslow: I think I’ll guess. (Claps hands.) All right class, follow my lead. Tappa tappa tappa.  
Holmström: (Falls down.) Stop trampling me!  
Mrs. Winslow: I don’t tolerate slackers.  
Lidström: (Grabs Homer and pulls him to his feet.)  
Mrs. Winslow: (Smacks him w/ruler.)  
Lidström: Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea…  
Shanny: And how. (Squashed by a falling safe.)


	32. The One Where the Rangers Go Camping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Partially based on real events. What these events are I don't remember.

-In the woods-  
Fleury: (Whine.) I forgot my sunscreen!  
Lindros: (Through gritted teeth.) Can I throw him to the bears?  
Leetch: No.  
Lindros: Awwww... (Whine.)  
Fleury: Who’s pulling on my backpack? (Mike Richter is pulling on Theo’s backpack.)  
Richter: No one, it’s only your imagination.  
Fleury: I think someone’s pulling on my - (Feet slip and he goes rolling down a hill.)  
Leetch: Damn, not again! MIKE!  
McCarthy: Do we have to go down and get him?  
Messier: Yes.  
Richter: But if we left him -  
Messier: (Glares.) Theo’s one of our brothers. Go get him.  
-Theo is tangled in a thorny bush-  
Fleury: I’m being pierced in places even I didn’t know about.  
Leetch: Shut up and stop kicking!  
Richter: Fleo, if you would just lay still, we’d be able to save you.  
Fleury: Ow!  
Leetch: (Stops.) Do you hear that Mike?  
Richter: Is that a snake?  
Leetch: I’m out of here.  
Richter: Me too!  
Fleury: Nÿo! You have to save me!  
-Meanwhile-  
McCarthy: (Opens cooler.) Okay, who the hell took my cough syrup?  
Blackburn: Don’t look at me.  
McCarthy: (Frowns.) It’s not candy! I need it for my cold, dipshit!  
Purinton: We didn’t take your cough syrup, Sandy.  
Blackburn: (Gasp.) Look! (Points.)  
McCarthy: (Growls.) Come here you little raccoon! (Runs after a raccoon with a bottle of cough syrup in its mouth.)  
Purinton: (Giggles.) This is so cool.  
Blackburn: I hope he doesn’t get rabies.  
Purinton: Dude that would be awesome!  
McCarthy: (In the clearing.) Ow! The stupid rodent bit me!  
Blackburn: No it wouldn’t.  
Purinton: Dude, if we sent him onto the ice foaming at the mouth... Think of how awesome that would be!  
Blackburn: (Pause.) Well... What if he bit one of us and one of us got rabies? (Points to himself and then Dale.) Think of how uncool that would be.  
Purinton: (Thinks.) Oh... Right... (Frowns.)  
-Dead silence-  
McCarthy: (Returns, shaking hand.) Ow! Dammit! (Comes back to campfire nursing wound.) Raccoons are dangerous!  
Purinton: (Inches closer to Blackburn.) Uh...  
McCarthy: I don’t have rabies!  
York: You don’t?  
McCarthy: (Starts foaming at mouth.) You know, I don’t feel...so... (Passes out.)  
Blackburn: (To Purinton. Points at McCarthy’s lifeless form.) It’s not so funny now, is it?  
Purinton: (Shaking.)  
Berard: Dale, you okay?  
Purinton: Damn straight it is! (Bursts into guffaws of laughter.) That’s the damn funniest thing I’ve ever had the privilege of seeing!  
Berard: (Pokes McCarthy with a stick.) Sandy’s not breathing, boys.  
Blackburn: Let’s just wait for the others before we do anything rash.  
Berard: Uh, speaking of the others...   
-Meanwhile-  
Fleury: Guys? There’s a snake! It has me cornered! Save me!  
Richter: (In tree with Leetch.) Sorry Fleo, I’m afraid of snakes.  
Leetch: (Touches Richter’s arm.) Mike, my life is flashing in front of my eyes. We’re going to die! (Shrieks shrilly.)  
Fleury: YOU’RE gonna die?! I’m t⁄he one being cornered by a damn cobra!  
Richter: Dear God, if you spare me and Leetchie, we’ll give you Fleo instea - Ow, hey! (Leetch hits him.)  
Leetch: MICHAEL! Fleo - I mean, Theo is our brother. Rangers never abandon their brothers!  
Richter: But he’s not my brother. And I don’t want to die!  
Fleury: (Praying.) And I’ll never even look at another hooker, for as long as I live! (Pause.) AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!  
Richter: (Hopeful.) Did it bite you?  
Leetch: MICHAEL! (Scolds.)  
Richter: (Pouts.) Just asking. (Looks down.) So did it?  
Fleury: (Cough.) No. Actually, it bit Sandy.  
Richter: Wha?  
-He and Leetch climb out of tree-  
Fleury: Sandy took the snake for me. He’s a true hero.  
Richter: And how. (Is flattened by a herd of stampeding rhinos.)


	33. The One With the Toothbrush Swap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My pal [**touch_blue**](http://touch_blue.livejournal.com/) gave me the idea for the toothbrush swap.

-Stevie Y. is in the players' bathrooms with Shanny-  
Yzerman: (Takes a deep breath and folds hands in praying position.) It's all about harnessing your chi. (Is plucking his nosehairs.)  
Shanny: (Vapidly.) What is?  
Yzerman: (Sighs.) Centering and harnassing your chi, fuckhead. (Begins flossing teeth, pauses.) Has dental hygiene lost its flair, Shan?  
Shanny: (Giggle.) Uh, what's hygiene, Stevie?  
Yzerman: (Glares.) Nevermind. (Stares at toothbrush in hand.) Hmmm...  
Shanny: Uh oh. You have that look in your eyes... (Worriedly.)  
Yzerman: What look?  
Shanny: Like when you covered me in honey and poured live fire ants on me... That look. (Giggles nervously. Pause.) You're not going to, uh, cover me in honey and pour live fire ants on me again, are you? (Inches away.)  
Yzerman: No! (Pause, thinks for a second.) No! (Laughs.) I just got an idea on how to bond the team!  
Shanny: And it has nothing to do with honey or live fire ants?  
Yzerman: (Nod.)  
Shanny: Then I'm in! (They slap hands.)  
-Meanwhile, Dominik Hasek and Chris Chelios are sitting in tanning beds at a tanning salon. Both are wearing Speedos. Oh the horror, the horror of it all!-  
Dom: Hey Chelly?  
Chelios: (Lazily.) Yeah Dom?  
Dom: Why am I so pasty?  
Chelios: You're not just pasty, pal. You're a friggin' albino. ALBINOS have more melanin than you! You're whiter than - oh, say - Michael Jackson!  
Dom: (Thinks for a minute. Grabs crotch and does an impersonation of Michael Jackson.) Ow!  
Chelios: I'll forget you just did that. (Shudders, adjusts face mask.)  
Dom: Sorry.  
-Later on-  
Yzerman: Okay, guys, I called this team meeting for a reason.  
Duchesne: Your wife is having another baby?  
Yzerman: No, Lisa isn't pregnant.  
Duchesne: (Rubs hand together, giggles.) Oh, she will be. She will be... Mwaha.  
Yzerman: (Flippantly.) Okay, whatever. Anyways, I want you all to get your toothbrushes and throw them into this here sack.  
Dom: Why Steve? (Is sunburnt, red and flaking.)  
Chelios: That's not very sanitary. (Every part of him is red, except for the white outline of a face mask.)  
Yzerman: Well, here me out, guys. By blindly taking a toothbrush from my here sack, you'll be paired up with that person and you'll have to find him and return to him his toothbrush. Hopefully by trading toothbrushes, I will be able to singlehandedly promote team unity. (Takes a deep breath, bows.)  
Dom: What? Are you on drugs?  
Yzerman: No, Dom. I've just figured it out. It is why we need to trade our toothbrushes.  
Dom: To give each other diseases?  
Yzerman: NO, fuckhead, to strengthen team bondage.   
Dom: By spreading diseases?  
Yzerman: (Grows angry.) You can't spread disease via toothbrush, pencil neck! (Scoffs rudely.)  
Dom: (Cough.) That's what *I* thought. And then I got herpes... (Laughs.)  
Yzerman: How the hell do you get herpes from a toothbrush?  
Dom: You don't wanna know.  
Yzerman: I don't think I do.  
-Players dump their toothbrushes into Yzerman's here sack-  
Robitaille: (First to draw.) Oh crap, I pulled Dom's. I'm going to have to burn these clothes and quarantine myself for five months.   
Holmström: (Draws and cringes.) Ew! Shanny's is all gross and nasty. What the hell do you eat?!  
Dom: How is this promoting team bondage? (Cockily.)  
Yzerman: If you guys weren't such disgusting slobs, it would've worked out. (Folds arms across chest.)  
Chelios: Hmmm Dandy's brush tastes like garlic... (Gargles. Thinks.) How odd. (Pause.) Uh, guys? Call poison control.   
Dom: Great idea Steve.  
Yzerman: Oh shut up, fuckhead.  
-Thud. (Sound of Chelios passing out-  
Datsyuk: Oh this is bad, very bad. (Shakes head worriedly.)  
Hull: And how. (Grins. Winks.)  
Shanny: Y'know, it just isn't the same. (Shrugs, sighs.)  
Chelios: (From ground.) A little help here?


	34. The One Where the Oilers Role Play During the Intermission of Their 1-1 Tie With St. Louis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roleplaying, Star Wars references, and breakage of the fourth wall.

-Oilers are sitting in their lockerroom during the first and second periods of their 1-1 tie with St. Louis-  
Comrie: I'm bored. (Sighs, fidgets.)  
Grier: I'm itchy. (Scratches ass.)  
Laraque: Je suis horny.  
Ryan: I've got an idea! We could do an RPG!  
Hecht: What is RPG?  
Ryan: Role playing game, stupid! We pick characters from a movie, like Star Wars, and pretend we're those characters! (Excitedly.) I'm Luke! (Grins.)  
Grier: I'm Darth, the big bad black dude! (Proud.)  
Poti: I'm Han! (Giddy.)  
Laraque: Je suis Chewbacca.  
Jason: Aw, does this mean I'm the chick again? (Pouts.) I hate being Leia!  
Poti: I get to make out with the captain?! (Eyes widen.)  
Ryan: You don't have to, but it'd make it more realistic if you did. (Grins at Poti evilly.)  
Poti: (Sprays minty breath freshener in mouth and armpits.) Okay, okay... (Cracks knuckles.)  
Marchant: Oh crap, does this mean I have to be Grand Moff Tarkin?  
Ryan: You could be Mon Mothma...  
Marchant: I'd rather be Tarkin.  
Salo: And I'm young Obi Wan.  
Jussi: And I'm Qui Gon Jinn! (Grabs Salo.) Come to me my child. The Force is strong within this one!  
Jason: (Breaks stick over knee.) Wssssssh. Zooooon. Bzzzzzzzzn! Bzzzzzzt! (Waves it in air.)  
Ryan: But Princess Leia didn't have a lightsaber.  
Jason: Nuts to that! This is our role play, and I say Leia has a friggin' lightsaber!  
Grier: (Grabs Ryan.) Ryan, I mean Luuuuuuuuke, I am your father!  
Ryan: NOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo! Nooooooooo!  
Comrie: (Raises hand.) I'm Anakin! (Jumps up and down.)  
Grier: (Drops Smyth.) Oh no no no! Darth was SO not a skinny little white dude!  
Comrie: Didn't you see the original trilogy? Darth was as white as Michael Jackson, honey! (Snap.)  
Grier: I challenge you to a...lightsaber duel! (Raises broken stick w/jagged end.)  
Comrie: (Straightens back.) I accept.  
Rem: I guess I'll be Amidala.  
Comrie: Aw, dammit! The last time, Staios was Amidala!  
Staios: (Moodily.) I refuse to take part in these childish RPG things anymore.   
Ryan: How come, Steve? (Puts on black cape.)  
Staios: Because Darth Grier over there grabbed my ass the last time, that's why! (Pouts.) Anyway, role playing is for a bunch of losers with no lives and nothing better to do.  
-Dead silence, and then...-  
Poti: (Speaks up.) Losers like US! (Pumps fist in air.)  
All: YEAH! LOSERS LIKE US! LOSERS LIKE US! (Rallying cry.)  
Comrie: (Addresses 'audience'.) You'd think, with us being a small market team and all, we'd have fewer problems than a, say, Detroit, or a, say, Dallas, and or a Colorado... (Steps back into character.)   
Marchant: Appearances can be deceiving, Anakin. I mean Mike.  
Brewer: YAH! (Stabs Jussi with a broken stick with a jagged end.) Die, Qui Gon, die you sucker, die!  
Jussi: Wh-who are you? (Gasps as he falls to his knees.)  
Brewer: Darth Maul! Muwahahahahaha!  
Carter: I am not going to do Jar-Jar Binks! I want to pop the annoying ratbastard in the face! (Annoyed.) You guys all suck! You took the good characters and left everyone else with the sucky sucks!  
Jussi: And thus, I die. Ahoy. (Closes eyes as he dies melodramatically.) ACK!  
All: (Applaud enthusiastically.)  
Comrie: NOOOOOOOOOoooooooo! Qui Gon! My friend! Brother! (Quietly.) Secret lover. (Throws self on Jussi's body.)  
Rem: (Taps Comrie on shoulder.) Uh you're my man.  
Laraque: RAWR! (Pounce.) Je suis Chewie! Je n'aime pas le films de Star Wars! RAWR! (Mauls Rem Murray.)  
Poti: (To Jason Smith.) Let's get it on, your highness.  
Jason: You do know this is only an RPG, right Tom?  
Poti: (Outraged.) Don't call me Tom. My name is Han Solo, self-proclaimed scruffy looking nerf-herder.  
Marchant: (Grabs Jason Smith.) Princess, I'm going to take great pleasure in torturing your nubile young body! (Cackles evilly and steeples hand under chin.)  
Jason: Monster! (Shrieks shrilly.)  
Marchant: Delicious.  
MacTavish: (Enters lockerroom.) Okay guys, here's the gameplan to beat the St. Loui - (Looks around.) What the hell is going on here?  
Marchant: (Points.) The Emperor!   
-Poti and Smyth pounce-  
Ryan: Death to the evil Empire!  
MacTavish: Augh! Help! Help me, someone! You two are so suspended! AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Fades.)


	35. The One Where the Red Wings Appear On a Cooking Show

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Red Wings appear on the Cooking With Celebrities TV show hosted by Gary Thorne.
> 
> This one was also [**touch_blue**](http://touch_blue.livejournal.com/)'s fault.
> 
> Also the return of Evil Stevie. And more stupid jokes.

Chapter 36: The One Where the Red Wings Appear On a Cooking Show

-Stevie Y is checking fan mail-  
Steve: Dear Mr. Izurmen, I love you and I have a rare form of alopecia - blah blah blibbity blah. (Throws it away.) Junk. (Opens a new letter.) Dear Steve, you're a god... Idol worshiper. (Throws it into trash. Opens new letter.) Dear Mr. Yzerman, we at the program, Cooking With the Stars, would like to extend an invitation to you and your hockey team to join us for an episode! (Gets excited.) Listen to this! They'd fly us to Los Angeles to tape an episode of Cooking With the Stars! AND we'd get three days and nights bought and paid for at a fancy hotel!  
Shanny: Don't we have games?  
Steve: Ah screw that, we've got enough of a cushion. And no one'd notice if we snuck off for three days.  
Boyd: You sure?  
Steve: Shut up. (Turns to Shanny.) So, what do you think?  
Shanny: I always wanted to be a chef, but when I was thirteen, I burned the cat, so Mom made me turn to hockey.  
Dom: YOU wanted to be a chef too?  
Shanny: My mommy even made me a little hat. (Pulls it out of locker and puts it on.)  
Dom: Yoink. I want that. Nice hat this be. (Puts it on.)  
McCarty: You look like a penis head now, Dominik. Take the stupid thing off before I take it off for you.  
Dom: You'd enjoy stripping me, wouldn't you?  
McCarty: I'm not gay! I've got a wife!  
Dom: Like that turned DRAPER straight?  
Draper: What would YOU know, Dom?  
Steve: Okay, guys, simmer down.  
Boyd: You can't tell me what to do! You're not my wife! OR my mommy!  
Steve: But I'm your captain, and what I say goes, got that? (Tries to be menacing.)  
Boyd: (Bursts into laughter.) BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
Steve: Stop laughing at my expense.  
Boyd: Okay. (Swallows laughter.)  
Dom: We be going on cooking show! Oh joy! My dream has come true!  
Shanny: I thought your dream was to win the Stanley Cup.  
Dom: My dream is to be on a cooking show.  
Shanny: Whatever. Crackhead.  
-Later on in Los Angeles-  
Dom: This be big city.   
Shanny: You act like you've never been to LA before.  
Dom: (Snaps away at Mann's Chinese Theater.) A big Chinese restaurant! Let's go in! I be having a hankering for bamboo!  
Shanny: (Slaps him upside the head.) Dumb ass! That's the Chinese Theater!   
Dom: Oh. (Snaps a picture.)  
Shanny: (Looks at watch.) We'd better be going now, Dom Dom. We'll be late for the show.   
-He and Dom Dom rush to the studio-  
Dom: (Whips chef hat out of pocket. Fifteen women with makeup bags converge on him.) Aie! Help! Dom Dom be attacked! Fire in the hole!  
Steve: (To Brendan.) Where have you guys been? You were almost late.  
Shanny: Dom Dom confused Mann's Chinese Theater with a giant Chinese takeout restaurant and got cravings for bamboo.  
Steve: (Shakes head.) Like a pregnant woman.  
Shanny: (Grins.) 'Cause you'd know ALL about that, Viagra Boy.  
Steve: Don't start.  
Director: Okay, get in position! Come on peoples, we don't have all day! (Impatiently claps hands.) You! You there, you get with him! (Points to Dom Dom, who is slathered in makeup, and Shanny.)  
Shanny: But I don't like him. I think I'm allergic to Estée Lauder.  
Steve: (Out of the corner of his mouth.) You actually know what brand that eye shadow is that they put on Dom?  
Shanny: Uh, my wife wears it.  
Dom: It's not eye shadow. It's camouflage. I'm SuperDom! (Points finger in air.) Here I comes to save the day!  
Shanny: Are you saying I wear makeup?!  
Steve: You are, though. So am I. No big deal. (Puts hand on Brendan's shoulder.) Take a deep breath, Brendan. Breathe, breathe. Circulate. (Taps index finger over Brendan's heart.)  
Shanny: (Breathes deeply.) Okay, thanks Stevie... (Sighs.) But this doesn't make me any less of a manly man, got that?! (Glares at the others.)  
All: (Nod.)  
Director: 3...2...1... ACTION!  
-Gary Thorne marches on stage holding a microphone, wearing a gray suit and a toupee-  
Thorne: Welcome folks to the first, inaugural episode of 'Cooking With Celebrities'! I'm your host Gary Thorne!!!!!!  
All: (Rub their eardrums and wince.)  
Thorne: First off, we have Dominik Hasek, goaltender for the Detroit Red Wings! (Slaps Dom Dom on back.) Next to him is future five-hundred goal scorer, Brendan SHAN-a-han! Perhaps best known for sleeping with Craig Janney's wife.  
Shanny: (Growls to Steve.) Do they ALWAYS have to say that?!  
Steve: (Nods.)  
Thorne: Next up is future Hall of Famer, Steve YZE-er-man!   
Steve: (Jumps.) Uh, yeah. (Rubs ears.)  
Thorne: And last, AND least, is Brett Hull!  
Hull: God you're annoying.  
Thorne: (Glares.) Your foot was SO in the crease, you daddy's boy. Anyway, today, Dominik Hasek will be showing us how to make flambé!  
Dom: Halo. I'm going to be making a flambé! (Throws match into stove. A loud whoosh and a ball of fire engulfs Shanny's chef hat.) AAAAIE!!!! AAAAAAAAIE! (Runs around wildly.)  
Chelly: I'll save you! (Grabs a fire extinguisher off of the wall.) Come back here! Stop, drop and roll! Didn't you learn anything in preschool?!  
Dom: AAAAIE! I BURNNNNNNN! (Hits self in head.)  
Thorne: And Hasek is ROLLING on the ground! But the fire isn't going out! This is simply amazing, folks! AMAZING!  
Chelly: (Stomps on the chef's hat.) Just lay still!  
Dom: AAAAIE!   
Shanny: MY HAT!  
Steve: My GOALIE!  
Dom: MY HEAD!  
Thorne: (To audience.) And thus ends our special, Cooking With Celebrities. Have a nice day, folks. And remember, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the sta -  
Hull: (Whacks him in head w/frying pan.)   
Thorne: (Thud.)  
Hull: (Winks.)


	36. The One Where Jambodir Gets Married

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Jambodir/Ro-Ro/Armcandy stuff comes from another story by someone else. We ended up combining our stories... Well, actually I combined two of mine with her story, the Amazing Adventures of the Groin Boys (I think). Ro-Ro is Roman Turek BTW.
> 
> This contains jokes about vegans and other unsavory subjects.

-Opens at Mellon Center-  
Mario: You fools! You lost a five goal lead! To TAMPA! (Glares at his teammates menacingly.)  
Straka: It's not MY fault. I'm on the IR.  
Mario: Well, it sure as hell can't be MY fault. Use your melons next time!   
Lang: (Cringes.) You just HAD to do it, didn't you?! (Glares.  
-Lockerroom door opens, enter Jaromir Jagr-  
Audience: Boo, hiss.  
Jagr: Halo all. (Waves, fluffs curly mullet, which has been permitted to grow back.) I'm back.  
All: (Grumble.)  
Mario: What are YOU doing here, Jambodir?  
Jagr: I have an announcement! Miss Fresh Face Slovakia and me are getting married!  
Mario: But aren't you...you know... (Shrug.) Gay?  
Jagr: (Frustrated. Stomps feet.) IT WAS JUST THAT ONE TIME!  
Mario: Where are you registered?  
Jagr: Noir Leather.  
Mario: Noir Leather? (Frowns.)  
Jagr: It was her idea. Anyway, I don't need any presents. My only present is Bodenka!  
Mario: How nice. Good bye. (Tries to force him out of the lockerroom.)  
Jagr: I also have another two announcements! (Resists Mario's efforts to push him out the lockerroom door.)  
Mario: (Groan.) WHAT?!  
Jagr: You're all invited and I'm a vegan!  
All: (Dead silence.)  
Pushor: A vegan?  
Jagr: Yes.  
Pushor: Well, what about the hair gel you use? Wasn't that tested on little bunnies?  
Jagr: (Pats mullet.) Nope, 100% mullet tested.  
Niemenen: Are you some kinda hippie?  
Jagr: No. I don't even know how to dance.  
Aubin: So, why'd you do it?  
Jagr: Because red meat is bad for you.  
Pushor: Pshaw, red meat is fine. It's the green, fuzzy meat you should worry about.  
Jagr: (Points.) So you all come to my wedding. (Leaves.)  
Lang: (Once he's gone.) A vegan wedding?  
Straka: (Shrug.) Probably no more different than the lesbian wedding *I* went to.  
Kovalev: But that was with two women. This is with vegans.  
Berry: It's different, Alexei. Vegans are weird.  
Beech: (Shakes head.) I refuse to attend.  
Hedberg: How come?  
Beech: Because I don't support that kind of lifestyle.  
Hedberg: If we were all okay with Jambodir maybe possibly being gay, why can't we get over his veganism?  
Mario: Not eating meat? Not wearing animal by-products? It's abnormal, I say.  
Kovalev: You know he loves you, Mario.  
Hedberg: I'll take one for the team. I'll go.  
-Later on, at church-  
Ro-Ro: Can't believe Jambodir settling down. So emotional. (Wipes tear from eye.)  
Pronger: Stop being such a pussy!  
Mrs. Pronger: CHRISTOPHER ROBERT! What have we told you, time and again, about being insensitive?!  
P:ronger: (Sigh, rolls eyes.) I'm sorry for being so judgmental. It was wrong of me and I'll try harder next time to keep my insensitive remarks to myself. (Pouts.)  
Al: So is Jambodir marrying a chick? I always thought he was, you know... Not straight. (Chugs vodka martini ravenously.)  
Ro-Ro: Miss Fresh Face Slovakia is a girl. (Pause.) I think.  
Dom Dom: Glad he be settling down.  
Ro-Ro: Me too. A man like him, always be sowing his wild oats. He needs a girl like Bodenka to latch onto him and drag him down.  
Dom Dom: (Sarcasm drips off of his words.) That's a nice way of describing marriage, Ro-Ro.  
Ro-Ro: (Shrug.) My wife whips me. (Sips vodka.) What did you get the happy couple?  
Dom Dom: I got them birth control pills in bulk.  
Ro-Ro: Why?  
Dom Dom: (Shrug.) My neighbor Ezekiel gave me a box of birth control pills the other day and told me to dispose of them for him, so... (Shrug.)  
Ro-Ro: I bought them a gift certificate to Olde Country Buffet for a free bran muffin.  
Al: I didn't know what to get them, so I got them - this. (Holds up an abstract piece of art that quite resembles a piece of garbage.)  
Pronger: What the hell is that, Al?  
Al: I don't know. I got it out of my neighbor's trash. One man's trash is another man's wedding gift. (Shrug.)  
-Guests begin taking seats-  
Jagr: (Walks onto podium.) Uh, halo folks.  
All: Halo, Jambodir.  
Jagr: Bodenka and me aren't getting married. We decided that I'm not ready for marriage. So, you leave your gifts and go home.  
All: (Leave.)  
Jagr: You leave gifts! (Pouts and points. Stomps foot.) You suck!   
Ro-Ro: (To Jagr.) Sorry your girlfriend dumped you at altar, Jambodir.  
Jagr: Don't rub in, Ro-Ro. (Pout.)  
Ro-Ro: Armcandy and I have a solid relationship. You need a girl like Armcandy. (Gulps down vodka and pours himself another.)  
Dom Dom: The one who drags you down?  
Ro-Ro: (Shrug. Nod.)  
Al: You want to get an ice cream cone with us, Jambodir? (Puts his arm around his shoulders.)  
Jagr: Okay.  
-They leave-


	37. The One Where the Red Wings Go to a Gun Show

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh how times change.
> 
> In which there is gentle mocking of Southern accents. And things.
> 
> Okay maybe gentle is not quite the right word.

-Opens in the Wings' practice lockerroom-  
Chelios: I feel like a woman.  
Lidström: We just came back to beat Vancouver in four straight games and the best you can come up with is, 'I feel like a woman'?  
Chelios: Yes.  
Hull: Bring back Chelly! You're not Chelly! (Snaps fingers in front of Chelios's face.)  
Shanny: Me thinks Bertuzzi hit him one too many times. (Taps head.)  
Chelios: (Staring off into space.)  
Yzerman: He's creeping me out. (To Hull.) He belongs to you. Can't you do something about him?  
Hull: He's not MINE! He belongs to...uh, Brendan! (Points.)  
Avery: D'you think we can go miniature golfing before we have to go play St. Louis?  
Dandenault: What makes you think we're going to St. Louis, Soap?  
Avery: Why are you calling me Soap?  
Dandenault: Sorry about that, Potsy.  
Avery: Huh?  
Dandenault: You didn't like Soap, so came up with a new nickname, Potsy. (Acts proud of himself.)  
Avery: Whatever. (Moves closer to Chelios.) I had a dream that Colorado beat LA in a Game 7.  
Chelios: (Numbly.) I had a dream I was skinned alive by Todd Bertuzzi and then he wore me as a suit.  
Avery: Okaaaay. (Gets up and leaves.)  
Yzerman: (Claps hands.) Who wants to go miniature golfing?! (Cheerily.)  
-Later on, in Wing Mobile-  
Hull: So, where are we going? (Leans over Yzerman's shoulder.)   
Yzerman: St. Louis, I hope.  
Hull: No, miniature golf or the gun show at the Gibraltar Trading Center? (Leafing through brochures.)  
Devereaux: Gun show! Gun show!   
Maltby: Flea market!  
McCarty: Mystery Spot!  
Hasek: The Sizzler!  
Legace: All you think about is food, Dom.  
McCarty: The Spot of Mystery!  
Yzerman: Okay, the captain has the deciding vote, so I have decided that we will go to the gun show.  
Hull: You asshole! (Pouts.)  
Yzerman: (Scratches chin.) Maybe a gun will help me release all of this pent up rage I'm feeling right now. (Grits teeth and clenches steering wheel in hands.)  
All: (Move away from Yzerman toward the back of the Wing Mobile.)  
-At gun show-  
Country Bumpkin: (Chewing on wheat.) Naw, this har's what we call an AK-47.  
Lidström: Eh-keh fort' sev'n?  
Country Bumpkin: Don' ya be makin' fun o' mah accent, ya li'l varmint! Er Ah'll pump yer ass fulla lead!  
Hull: Maybe this isn't the best table for us. (Drags away Lidström.)  
Lidström: And I was ready to get all up in his grill, too. Gosh darn it. (Pout.)  
Yzerman: I want a handgun.  
Man: This is small enough to fit in a lady's handbag.  
Yzerman: (Laughs.) But I'm not a lady.  
Man: Of course you aren't, ma'am.  
Shanny: Okay, Steve, deep breaths. (Leads Steve away.)  
Hull: (Walks up to Steve and Brendan.) Look, I got an AK. (Pumps it. Brendan ducks.) It's not loaded. You think they'd trust ME with a loaded gun? (Cackles.)  
Yzerman: (Sigh.) Okay, I'm getting the distinct feeling that maybe this wasn't my best idea.  
-High pitched shrieking. Enter Datsyuk-  
Hull: What's going on now? That sounds like a damsel in distress.  
Datsyuk: That's no damsel. That's Dandy.  
Dandenault: (Runs into Yzerman, shrieking.) Omigod, omigod! I just saw the CUTEST puppy dog!  
Yzerman: You caused all that ruckus over a damn dog?!  
Dandenault: But it was a chihuahua! It was so adorable!  
Chelios: (Cough.) Target practice. (Cough.)  
Yzerman: Okay, that's it. I'm taking us to the Mystery Spot in Lakeland.   
McCarty: Woohoo!   
Yzerman: I'm not going to run the risk of one of use causing an - (makes air quotations with fingers) - 'accident'.  
-They leave-  
Chelios: (They're driving down I-75.) Uh, Steve?  
Yzerman: Yeah Chelly?  
Chelios: When you said we were going to the Lakeland Mystery Spot, were you talking about Lakeland as in White Lake, Michigan, or Lakeland, as in the Tigers' spring training facility? (Reading map upside down.)  
Yzerman: Lakeland, White Lake.  
-They pass a WELCOME TO FLORIDA sign-  
Yzerman: Shit on a stick! (Slams forehead onto steering wheel.)  
-Later, at the Lakeland (Michigan) Mystery Spot-  
Duchesne: (Holding cotton candy.) This is so cool! We get to go to the Mystery Spot!  
Chelios: You mustn't have gotten out much as a kid.  
Avery: Even cooler than winning the Stanley Cup?  
Duchesne: Hell yes!  
Chelios: Sour grapes.  
Duchesne: Sour grapes make the sweetest wine.  
Chelios: Dude, you're like one walking dysfunctional proverb. Do it again.  
Duchesne: (Confused.) What can I do again that I've all ready done before and not run the risk of repeating myself?  
Avery: (Scratches head.) Got me.  
Yzerman: (Looks back at Avery, Duchesne and Chelios.) Stop playing with him!   
Duchesne: (Cryptically.) I am an enigma wrapped in mystery, and smothered in secret sauce.   
Yzerman: Just eat your cotton candy and keep quiet.  
Shanny: Look! There it is! They Mystery Spot! (Points.)  
Duchesne: (Trembles in fear.) I don't want to get lost.  
Chelios: Don't worry, I'll keep you safe. (Puts arm around his shoulders.)  
Duchesne: (Grin.) Spifferiffic. (Puts hand over Chelios's.)  
Chelios: Okay, Duke and I will go first. (Drags Duchesne into Mystery Spot.)  
Legace: (Leans over, whispers to Yzerman.) What do you want to bet that they're only going in there to make out?  
Yzerman: (Whacks him on shoulder.) Hush up, you!  
Dandenault: (Raises Walkman.) Colorado just scored two goals in fifty-four seconds on LA! It's 2-0 Colorado!  
Avery: Woo! We're going to St. Louis, home of the Rams, Mark McGwire and Toasted Ravioli! (Pumps fist in air.)  
Yzerman: Now, don't count out the Kings! Remember what they did to us with just four minutes left in the third? (Sagely. No one is listening.)  
Avery: WOOOO! Meet me in St. Louis!  
Holmström: I'm in a St. Louis state of mind!  
Yzerman: Isn't that a New York state of mind?  
Holmström: Whatever. (Grin.) We don't have to play LA! WOOOOOO! (Dances.)  
Lidström: The last time we played St. Louis, we won the Cup.   
Yzerman: Oh no, not you too.  
-Chelios and Duchesne stumble out of the Mystery Spot with torn clothing and swollen lips, so it appears-  
Legace: (Points.) AHA! I KNEW it!  
Chelios: Knew what?  
Legace: Knew that you and Duke went into the Mystery Spot to make out!  
Duchesne: We did not. We shared my cotton candy.  
Legace: (Acts proud of himself.) Oh you did, did you? Where IS said cotton candy then? (Grins and puts hands on hips.)  
Chelios: (Annoyed.) We ATE it, nimrod.  
Duchesne: That was fun! Can we go again?! (Jumps up and down and claps hands, giddily.)  
Yzerman: I don't have a very good feeling about this. (Clutches stomach. Eyes Fischer and Avery.) My players are pairing off and mating with one another before my very eyes.  
Fischer: Huh, what? Avery and I are not mating. We're just going to see the bearded lady together.  
Hull: (Cough.) Beard, beard. (Cough.)  
Avery: (Raises his fists.) Mind saying that to my face, punk?  
Yzerman: Okay. (Steps between them.) That's it! We're going to a Tigers game if you guys don't straighten up and fly right!  
All: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo! Not a TIGERS game! We'll behave!  
Yzerman: (Brushes off hands.) All righty then.


	38. The One Where Things Get Gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sean Avery is henceforth referred to as Chode in this fic and most other fics involving him that were also written by me.
> 
> We spent a lot of time picking stupid nicknames for Avery. Soap, Chode, and Rainbow Sparkle Cat (I think?) were favorites.
> 
> I rebooted after this chapter and wrote out the Duchesne/Chelios relationship.

-In Joe Louis Arena basement-  
Chelios: (To Duchesne, who is bent over a magazine.) What are you doing?  
Duchesne: Ordering porn from a magazine.  
Chelios: No, really, what are you doing?  
Duchesne: Ordering porn from a magazine.  
Chelios: And you are doing this because...?  
Duchesne: The wife isn't giving me any.  
McCarty: Your wife isn't giving me any, either. You should talk to her about that.  
Chelios: Shut up, Mac. (Looks at Duchesne.) You're married?  
Duchesne: Yes.  
Chelios: I thought you were gay.  
Duchesne: Why would you think that?  
Chelios: You kissed me in the Mystery Spot, remember?  
Duchesne: No, I don't. (Flips magazine pages.)  
Dandenault: Someone's floating down a barge on de Nile. (Slaps high five with Chelios.)  
Duchesne: I don't get it. Leave me alone. You guys are hurting my fragile feelings.  
-Enter Yzerman-  
Yzerman: Okay guys, good practise. (Sits in locker.) What are you reading, Duke?  
Chelios: You don't want to know.  
Duchesne: I'm ordering porn.  
Yzerman: Oh. (Pause.) So, Brendan, any luck in impregnating the wife?  
Shanahan: No luck. Mind sharing your Viagra?  
Yzerman: Yes, in fact, I do. (Removes socks.)   
Devereaux: Duchesne scares me.   
Yzerman: Boyd, he's sitting right beside you. (Points to Duchesne, who is frowning.)  
Devereaux: Oh. Sorry.   
Duchesne: I think I want a trade. No one appreciates me.   
Chelios: I hate to be blunt, but dude, you're weird.  
Duchesne: How so?  
Chelios: You're always making up your own words to suit your limited vocabulary, and you're gay.  
Duchesne: I'm married, Chelly.  
Chelios: Well that didn't keep you from making out with me.  
Legace: I KNEW it!  
Chelios: Shut up. (To Duchesne.) What do you have to say for yourself?  
Duchesne: Do you all think I'm weird?  
All: (Grumble, nod.)  
Duchesne: (Whimpers.) That's not very nice, you guys.  
Maltby: Also you're not very bright, and you're bad on defense.   
Duchesne: But I'm a DEFENSEMAN! (Whine.)  
Yzerman: Right, as long as you believe that. (Pats his shoulder.)   
Fischer: So, Duke and Chelly made out?  
Draper: Old news.  
Fischer: And this doesn't bother anyone?  
Hasek: No.  
Legace: Not really.  
Slegr: No.  
Fischer: I'm the only one who's bothered by this?  
Yzerman: Why does their kissing bother you?  
McCarty: You some sort of homophobe?  
Fischer: (Blushes.) No. (Pause.) I wish Chelios had kissed ME.  
Yzerman: Oh. (Thinks.) Okay. Let's get into playoff mode. Enough with this kissing stuff. It could rend the team into warring factions.  
Robitaille: (Looks at Chelios and Fischer, who are arm wrestling.) Too late. (Pumps fist in air.) Go Fischy, go!  
Chelios: Shut up, Slobitaille! (Momentarily distracted, Fischer wins arm wrestle.) Godddammit!  
Fischer: I am champion of the world!  
Chelios: (Punches him in stomach.) HAW HAW! (Points.)  
Yzerman: That was cheating. (Helps Fischer to his feet.) So, about the Blues.  
Fischer: What about the blues? I like the blues.  
Avery: YAH! (Kicks him in the shins.)  
Fischer: I can play BB King on my recorder. (Holds up flute looking thing.) I've named it Lucille.  
Avery: Who's BB King? And why'd you name that flutey thing Lucille?  
Fischer: It's a recorder, and BB King is a musician. (Plays 'Mary Had a Little Lamb' on his recorder.)  
Duchesne: My ears are bleeding.  
Yzerman: Aw, it wasn't THAT bad. (Claps enthusiastically.)  
Duchesne: No, my ears are really bleeding. I stapled my helmet straps to my head! (Tugs on helmet.) Ow! Owwwwww! Owwwww!  
Chelios: What a tool. (Under his breath.) But I love that about him.  
Devereaux: Eh?  
Chelios: Nothing, nevermind.  
Legace: AHA! (Jumps up behind Chelios.)  
Chelios: AAAAAAH!  
Hasek: Stop doing that, Manny! I soiled myself! (Chelios, Legace and Devereaux move closer to Duchesne, who has bandages on his ears.) Why you be wearing gauze on your ears, Skippy?  
Duchesne: (Forlornly.) I stapled myself.  
Chelios: There, there... Everything's going to be all right. (Pats his back.)   
Hasek: No, don't listen to him. I foresee doom, doom and destruction. DOOOOOM! (Waves arms in air like cheap circus clairvoyant.)  
Chelios: Shut UP, Dum Dum! (Hugs Duchesne.)  
Hasek: (Quietly.) Doom.   
Chelios: Grrrrr! (Hits him on the back of his head.)  
Yzerman: (From somewhere in back of the room.) Chelios, are you giving our goalie a concussion?  
Chelios: No, Steve. (Continues to hit Hasek in the back of the head.)  
Yzerman: Okay then.  
Avery: (To Yzerman.) Aren't you concerned about workplace romance?  
Yzerman: Why should I be concerned about workplace romance, Potsy? (Shanahan is leering at him. Avery looks him off.)  
Avery: Uh... Well, Duchesne and Chelios for one... (Points. Duchesne and Chelios are holding hands.)  
Yzerman: Duke is fragile. Chelly's just being a good friend.  
Avery: What about Fedorov and...HOLMSTRÖM!  
Fedorov/Holmström: (Look up from their respective lockers.) Wha?  
Avery: Just checking to see if you guys were paying attention. Now back to workplace romance.  
Yzerman: I just don't see it.  
Avery: You're naive, Steve. Or else, a latent homophobe.  
Yzerman: You really have no clue about the psychobabble you're spewing, do you, Potsy?  
Avery: Why are you calling me Potsy?  
Yzerman: Draper has a bet going to see who can come up with the best nickname for you, Shamrock.  
Avery: I never should've told you about my tattoo. (Mutters.)  
Yzerman: Whatever, Chode. Don't get your panties in a bunch.  
Avery: Don't call me Chode, okay? (Annoyed.)  
Draper: Chode... I like it...  
Avery: NOOOOoooo!  
Yzerman: Hehe, that'll be five hundred bucks for me!  
Avery: You had five hundred bucks riding on CHODE?  
Yzerman: Yes.  
Draper: Personally, I like my nickname for Aves better, but Chode is just too good to pass up. (Hands Steve $500.) Good job, O' captain my captain.  
Yzerman: (Pockets money.) Thanks, Drapes.  
Avery: My life is over. I might as well retire. If the opponents find out you guys are calling me Chode now, my life as I know it is over. (Sighs.)  
Shanahan: Hey Chode, pass me the blowtorch.  
Fischer: Chode, wanna catch a movie with me and Wallin tonight?  
Hasek: Chode, since you're a rookie and I'm a veteran, I command thee to wash my jocks. (Hands Avery his jocks.)  
Avery: I'm going to vomit.  
Maltby: (Runs into lockerroom.) I have the perfect nickname for Sean! Barfy McBarf! It's an allusion to his Irish roots, AND it's funny!  
Draper: Too late, dimwit. Yzerman won with Chode.  
Maltby: Chode? (Chuckles.)   
Avery: (Shudder.) So, Draper, what was your nickname for me?  
Draper: Draper's Little Bitch.  
Avery: I'll stick with Chode.  
Draper: Smart boy.


	39. The One With Operation Delta Strike

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I guess I was wrong about writing out the Duchesne/Chelios relationship.

-The Blues are skating around on the Kiel Center ice-  
MacInnis: (Skating around.) How are we going to beat these guys?  
Pronger: Score some goals on Hot-Shit. (Shoots puck on empty net.)  
MacInnis: Duh. (Rolls eyes.)  
Pronger: So, anyway, Lauren picked out baby clothes - (Something whizzes by his head.) What the...?!  
MacInnis: (Bends over object.) It's a water balloon! (Pokes it with his stick.)  
Pronger: I'm scared, Al - (Another water balloon narrowly misses his head.) HEY! What's going on here?!  
MacInnis: (Pummeled by water balloons and falls to the ice.)  
Pronger: Man down! I repeat, man down! (Kneels beside MacInnis's body and holds his hand in his.) Al... Not Al! He was a good man! (Sob.)  
MacInnis: (Splutters and sits up.) Look! (Points to the stands. Three Red Wings launch water balloons.)  
Duchesne: Fire in da 'ole!  
Pronger: I've been hit! (Falls over Al.)  
MacInnis: Get OFF of me!  
-Enter Tkachuk and Drake-  
Tkachuk: Oh my God! Chris and Al are gay!  
MacInnis: (Shoves off Pronger.) The Kiel Center has been infiltrated by the enemy!  
Drake: Al, you okay? (Hit in face by water balloon.) AAAAAAAAH! A PISS FILLED WATER BALLOON!   
-Giggles in the stands.-  
Duchesne: Bingo! (Slaps high fives with Chelios and Olausson.)  
Chelios: Operation Delta Strike is now in effect! (Is wearing camouflage makeup on his face.)  
Duchesne: I liked MY idea for our name better. (Pout.)  
Chelios: Operation Where's My Pants had no relevance to the mission, Duke. (Condescending.)  
Olausson: (Grins.)  
Chelios: (Shudder.) Don't look at me like that, Freddie.  
Olausson: Why not?  
Chelios: It looks like you're going to eat me.   
Duchesne: Where to now, partners? (Puts arms around Chelios and Olausson's shoulders.)  
Chelios: (Grins and rubs hands together.) Let's hit 'em where they hurt - goaltending. Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha. (Begins coughing.)  
-In the Blues lockerroom. Johnson and Brathwaite are relaxing in their locker stalls and listening to Shakira singing about her flat chest-  
Johnson: And so I says to the guy, "That's not my hand, pal."  
Brathwaite: (Yawn.) Interesting. So, who do you think Coach Q will start in goal Tuesday?  
Johnson: (Laughs.) Why, me of course.  
Brathwaite: (Glares.) I should get the start! You've lost two in a row!  
Johnson: You treacherous ass goblin! (Pounce.)  
Brathwaite: Watch who you're calling ass goblin, fartmuncher! (Pounce.)  
-The two goalies meet in the center of the lockerroom, a whirring ball of hate and goalie equipment-  
Voice from above: NOW! (A net drops down from the ceiling over Brathwaite and Johnson, and Olausson and Duchesne converge on their prey.)  
Johnson: (Thrashes his arms and legs.) AIE! What's going on?!  
Brathwaite: HELP! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!  
Chelios: (Drops down from ceiling and removes black ski mask, stuffing it in his pocket. Is wearing black turtleneck and tight black jeans that make his ass look good.) Rope!  
Duchesne: Affirmative! (Hands him rope.)   
Chelios: (Ties Brathwaite and Johnson together.) That should do it. (Brushes off hands.)  
Johnson: You won't get away with this!  
Chelios: When we're done with you two, no one will hear you scream. (Cackle.)  
Johnson: (Shrieks.)  
Brathwaite: You can't do this! The league will step in! (Struggles against bonds.)  
Duchesne: (Removes ski mask and drops it.) Who says we can't?  
Brathwaite: Well, the law, for one.  
Duchesne: (Waves him off, flippantly.) Law, schmaw. Your ass is mine.  
Brathwaite: What? (Alarmed.)  
Chelios: Don't mind him. He's a little touched in the head. (Taps temple with index finger.)  
Brathwaite: Oh.  
Duchesne: I am. (Pause.) Not, I am not. (Blink.) Sheesh, messed that up, didn't I? (Giggles.)  
Chelios: (Rolls eyes and pats his head.) That you did Duke, that you did.  
Olausson: (Puts duct tape over Brathwaite's and Johnson's mouths, grins widely.)  
Chelios: STOP THAT!  
Olausson: (Frowns.)  
-The three of them exit stage left-  
Pronger: (Runs in.) Oh no! They got you guys too! (Rips tape off of Johnson's mouth.)  
Johnson: OWWWW! That hurts!  
Pronger: (Tries to untie them.) I failed boy scouts. (Can't unknot the rope.) I think this is a butterfly knot.  
Johnson: FORGET that. (Looks at Brathwaite.) Well, I guess we know who's going to be number one Tuesday. Freddie's passed out. (Pokes arm, Freddie doesn't move.)  
Pronger: (Sigh.) I can't untie you. I'm gonna get the blowtorch so I can burn you guys out of the ropes! Why didn't I think of that before?! (Runs off.)  
Johnson: (Frantic. Throws back head and howls.) No no no no no no no! NOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo!   
Pronger: (Grins.) I like fire. (Giggles.)  
Johnson: NOOOOOOooooo! Someone stop him!  
-Enter MacInnis and Tkachuk-  
MacInnis: What's going on he - CHRIS, NO! STOP, EVIL! PUT DOWN THE BLOWTORCH!   
Tkachuk: They strike again. (Hits self in head.)  
Pronger: (Wrestles Al for the blowtorch.) GIVE IT BACK! IT'S MINE!  
Al: NEVER! YOU CAN'T BE TRUSTED WITH FIRE! YOU SICK PYRO! (Slaps Chris in back of head.)  
Tkachuk: Uh, while you guys are, ahem, wrestling, those three Wings are probably sabotaging the goal nets or something.  
MacInnis: (Stops.) Y'know, Upchuck, that's the brightest thing you've said all year. (They leave.)  
Johnson: (Drags himself and an unconscious Brathwaite toward the lockerroom door.) Hey, what about us?!  
-Later on, in the Wings' hotel-  
Draper: And you tied their goalies together?  
Duchesne: Affirmative.  
Chelios: Can't you just talk like a normal person for once? (Exasperated.)  
Duchesne: That's a negatory, chief. (Salutes him.)  
Chelios: Whatever.  
Duchesne: You know you like it, love pumpkin.  
Draper: Oh lord. (Rolls eyes.)  
Chelios: Love pumpkin? (Raises eyebrow.)  
Duchesne: It's my pet name for you.  
Chelios: You call me that again and you'll be singing soprano.  
Duchesne: Ooh, kinky.  
Draper: Okay, I'm outta here. (Shakes head, leaves.)  
Duchesne: We're alone, my pet. (Pats Chelios's arm.)  
Chelios: (Giggle, blush.)  
-Enter Yzerman and Avery-  
Yzerman: What's up, guys?   
Chelios: (Whistles innocently.) Oh, nothing.  
Avery: Guess what we just heard on KLPR?  
Duchesne: (Shrieks.) The suspense is killing me!  
Avery: Someone tied up the St. Louis goalies! St. Louis is going to have to dress Dallas Drake as their third goalie!  
Duchesne: (Worriedly.) What about Johnson and Brathwaite? Can't one of them go?  
Yzerman: Nope. Apparently they had to be taken to the burn ward at St. Jude's.  
Chelios: (Eyes Duchesne. Nudge, nudge.) Oh no, what happened?  
Avery: Apparently Pronger tried to set them on fire. Blues officials walked in on MacInnis and Pronger fighting over a blowtorch. (Shakes head.)  
Yzerman: They're calling it a case of BDSM gone horribly, horribly wrong. (Sighs.) Who knew the Blues were so sick and twisted?  
Duchesne: (Bites down on bottom lip.) Um...  
Chelios: (Cuts him off quickly.) Not us, nosirree Bob.  
Duchesne: That'd be a negatory, chief. (Giggles nervously.)  
Yzerman: You okay, Duke?  
Duchesne Huh, what?! IT WAS OLAUSSON'S IDEA! I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! (Points to sky, stomps foot.)  
Yzerman: Nothing to do with what, Duke? (Perplexed.)  
Chelios: Nevermind. He's a bit touched in the head.   
Yzerman: If you guys had anything to do with the Blues fire mishap, we're in deep shit. We could be fined, or worse.  
Duchesne: Why would you say that, captain? (Scratches back of head.)  
Yzerman: Uh, no reason. (Goes to Duchesne and Chelios's minibar.)  
-Enter Legace-  
Legace: (Raises a black ski mask.) They found this black ski mask at the scene of the crime with the number 28 on the back, along with the name Steve Duchesne. (Looks at Duke.) What a coincidence!  
Duchesne: (Hits self on head.) D'oh!  
Chelios: (Glare.) YOU TOOL! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE BEHIND YOUR DAMN MASK?! (Hits Duchesne on back of head.)  
Duchesne: OWW! (Rubs head.) I'm sorry, Chris!  
Yzerman: I guess this means you two were behind the whole thing after all. (Shrugs shoulders and sighs angrily.) This is just great.  
Duchesne: What about Olausson? It was HIS idea! (Frantically.)  
Chelios: I don't see what the big deal is.  
Yzerman: It's called cheating, guys. CHEA-TING. It's not honest.  
Duchesne: Well duh.  
Yzerman: (Pauses to think.) Oh heck, I give up! You two are incorrigible. (Grabs a beer and shuts minibar.) I'm leaving. Shanny rented movies for him and me to watch.  
Chelios: (Under breath.) Probably porn.  
Yzerman: God I hope not. Night, guys. (Leaves w/Avery and Manny.)  
Chelios: (Looks at Duchesne.) What's next on our agenda, pickle slice?   
Duchesne: (Grins.) I don't know. (Gets up and joins Chelios in his bed.) Let's discuss this, Christopher.  
Chelios: (Smiles.) Okay, talk.  
Duchesne: Let's stink bomb their lockerroom just as the media comes in for interviews... (Trails off.)  
Chelios: (Puts arms around Duchesne.) I like the way you think, Stephen. (Grins.)  
Duchesne: (Grins as well.) Spifferiffic.


	40. The One With the Illegitimate Ilitch Kid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shanny dies again. Also an intelligence challenged character is made fun of.

-Wings are sitting in lockerroom, chatting-  
Fischer: I bowled a 36. That's good, right? The lower the score, the better?  
Hull: That's golf, Fischy.  
Fischer: Oh.  
-Enter Ilitch, followed by wife Marion and a fat guy with a crew cut-  
Ilitch: Hello, boys.  
All: Hi Mr. I.  
Ilitch: I'd like to introduce you to Cletus. (Pats fat guy on back.)  
Yzerman: Cletus, sir?  
Ilitch: I was just getting to that, Stephen. As a part of the settlement, Cletus is our new PR man. Say something, Cletus.  
Cletus: Something.  
Yzerman: (To Ilitch.) Uh, would you mind elaborating, Mr. I?  
Ilitch: Cletus is my illegitimate son.  
Yzerman: (Pause.) Oh. (To Cletus.) Welcome.  
Cletus: Hi. (Chews on ear flap of hunting hat.)  
Chelios: (Whispers.) Is there something wrong with him upstairs? (Taps temple with index finger.)  
-Cletus climbs into Dom's locker-  
Dom: Hey hey hey! Out, you! Shoo!  
Ilitch: Cletus is a little dense.  
Yzerman: Just a little?  
Shanny: He's our new PR man? (Scratches head.)  
Ilitch: Yes. Come, Marion. Let's let Cletus get acquainted with the boys. (They leave.)  
Cletus: (Dom forces him out of his locker.) I like pie. (Picks nose.)  
Fedorov: Why do we have to babysit Ilitch's brat? Why couldn't he just have foisted them onto the Tigers?  
Shanny: (Kneels in front of Cletus.) Hey there. How old are you, li'l buddy?   
Cletus: (Counts fingers.) Uh... Eleventy-seven?  
Shanny: Uh... (Pause.) Okay, whatever.  
Yzerman: I guess that would make him eighteen.  
Dom: We could always count the rings.  
Chelios: That's for trees, Dum Dum.  
Dom: Oh. (Pause.) I knew that.  
Cletus: I'm a sheep! Baa! (Crawls around on lockerroom floor and shakes rear end.)  
Legace: THIS guy's our new PR man?!   
Yzerman: (Nod.)  
Legace: What the hell was Ilitch thinking?  
Shanny: Cletus! Don't touch the skate sharpener! (Runs off.)  
Yzerman: I have a bad feeling about this.  
Shanny: That's you, Stevie, master of the understatement.  
Cletus: (Comes out wearing Dom's helmet and a red cape.) I am SUPERHASEK!  
Dom: Don't blame me if you find him in the bottom oof the Detroit River. (Cracks knuckles.)  
Yzerman: You harm him, you'll be replaced with a trained bear.  
Dom: Can I feed the bear?  
Yzerman: (Sigh, rubs hand over forehead.) Yes.  
Dom: (Claps hand.) Wheee!  
Cletus: (Waves papers in hand.) Daddy wants me to share my ideas with you.  
Lidström: Shoot, Cletus.  
Cletus: (Reads from list haltingly.) Red Wing Ice Girls. (Unveils a drawing of a large breasted woman in a red bikini and figure skates, holding a shovel.)  
Yzerman: (Chokes.) Ice Girls?  
All: (Groan.)  
Cletus: Carolina and the Islanders all ready have Ice Girls. They'll keep the fans and opposition entertained for hours.  
Yzerman: Carolina and the Island aren't exactly hotbeds of hockey, Cletus. (Sigh.) What's your other idea?  
Cletus: A third jersey. (Unveils a third jersey with a gimmicky red cartoon bird in a hockey helmet.)  
All: (Groan.)  
Dandenault: SACRE BLEU! Il est laid! (Covers eyes.)  
Legace: Oh God, that's terrible, just terrible!  
Cletus: (Face drops. Whimper.)  
Dom: You'll have to tranquilize me to get me into that hideous thing.  
Cletus: Daddy says you have to do whatever I tell you.  
Yzerman: (Thinks.) If we give you a, say, signed jersey and... (Pause. Grabs a hotdog from Dom's locker) A hotdog from Dom's locker, will you go far, far away and never come back?  
Dom: Hey! Not my hotdog!  
Yzerman: Think of it as taking one for the team.  
Dom: (Pouts, folds arms across chest.) Okay. (Juts out bottom lip.)  
Cletus: (Thinks.) No.  
Yzerman: (To Shanny, out of the corner of his mouth.) Maybe he's not as dense as was originally suspected.  
Shanny: This could be very bad.  
Cletus: And my last idea is a Red Wings theme park!  
Yzerman: Theme park?!  
Cletus: It could bring in a lot of revenues. (Taps diagram with stick.)  
Chelios: Are you even qualified for this job, runt? Don't you have to go to college or something?  
Cletus: (Grins.) I got my GED last week.  
Chelios: Oh.  
Yzerman: A Red Wings theme park. Good God. What is this world coming to? (Looks at Cletus warily.) What kind of rides would it have?  
Cletus: Pony and hay rides. (Claps hands.) I like ponies. And pie.  
Dom: I swear, if someone finds him in the Detroit River, don't come crying to me! (Cracks knuckles.)  
Yzerman: (Points.) Hey Cletus! Look! A butterfly!  
-Cletus is momentarily distracted and the team flees for Ilitch's offices-  
Yzerman: Mr. I, we need to discuss the little matter that is your illegitimate son.  
Ilitch: Okay, shoot.  
Lidström: To put it nicely, sir, your son is -   
Chelios: SCREW nicely! Your son's a frigging moron!  
Ilitch: Okay, okay, so he isn't the brightest crayon in the box.  
Yzerman: His promotional ideas were Ice Girls in bikinis to entertain the fans, gimmicky third jerseys featuring a red cartoon bird in hockey gear, and a theme park with pony and hay rides. He's going to sink the organisation, sir.  
Ilitch: Look, guys, my hands are tied, legally. There's nothing I can do. We're stuck with him.  
-Later, back in the lockerroom, Cletus is missing in action-  
Chelios: Oh Christ, I'm not looking for the little turd.  
Lidström: Let's not and say we did.  
Yzerman: I can't believe you guys!  
Olausson: It's hopeless. We'll never find him. (Throws up hands in mock despair.)  
Dom: (Runs out of trainer's room.) Cletus is in here, guys.  
-They run in-  
Cletus: (Curled up in a ball on Johnny Wharton's examining table.)   
Lidström: Aw, the little guy's sleeping.  
Yzerman: (To Johnny.) What'd you do to him?  
Wharton: I gave him a horse tranquilizer. He should come to in about seventy two hours. (Leaves.)  
Yzerman: (Pause.) We so need to get a new trainer. (Sigh.)  
Shanny: And how. (Is shot with a million tranquilizer-filled needles and passes out on training room floor.)


	41. The One Where the Wings Go to Phoenix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team just up and goes to Phoenix for no reason at all. And there's vomiting. And I still haven't retconned Chelios and Duchesne's relationship.

-In Wings' lockerroom-  
Yzerman: Guess what, guys?  
Shanny: What's up, Stevie?  
Yzerman: I won us a free trip to Arizona.  
Datsyuk: Don't we have games?  
Yzerman: No. (Pause.) It doesn't matter, anyway. I won us twenty two tickets to Arizona by calling in to the Regner and Karsch show.  
Fischer: Yay, we get to go to Arizona!  
Yzerman: You act like you've never been there before, Fischy.  
Fischer: Have I?  
Chelios: Nevermind. I want to go to Bank One Ballpark so I can heckle Randy Johnson. (Grins evilly.)  
Duchesne: I heard five people were sucked into the maw of the Grand Canyon.   
Avery: Did they die?  
Duchesne: Uh, no, they sprouted wings and flew to safety. (Rolls eyes.)  
Avery: (Grin.) Awesome!  
Duchesne: Oh boy... (Groan.)  
Larionov: (Reading brochure.) We've got to go to Sedona. I hear it's very pretty this time of year.  
Duchesne: Don't we have important playoff games? (Thinks.)  
Yzerman: Nah, we've got enough of a lead. We can afford to lose a couple. (Waves him off.)  
Dom: I want to see the Camelback Mountains. (Holds camera in hand.)  
McCarty: I want to see the Scottsdale Mystery Spot.  
Duchense: (To Chelios.) Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.  
Chelios: (Sighs, rolls eyes.)  
Yzerman: No mansex, you two.  
Chelios: Wherever would you get that idea, Stevie?  
Duchesne: (Pout.)  
Dom: I am going to buy Claude Lemiuex jersey and give it to Draper.  
Maltby: Why?  
Dom: I'm evil. (Shrug.)  
Shanny: Roger that. (Nothing bad happens.) WOO! (Yzerman clobbers him in the head with an encyclopedia.) Ow.  
Yzerman: Okay, back to the trip. How will we fool the coaching staff into letting us go?  
Dom: We could replace us with lifelike cardboard cutouts...  
Chelios: We could replace us with trained bears and then we could maul St. Louis to death... (Grins, giggles and rubs hands together evilly.)  
Yzerman: All clever ideas, but no. (Thinks.) I could tell Scotty that we have to go to Phoenix on a top secret, important mission...  
Fedorov: To save my marriage.  
Chelios: Like they'd buy that? I like my idea better.  
Dom: Me too. I like bears. (Grins.)  
Yzerman/Shanny: (Simultaneously.) We KNOW, Dom.  
Dom: No need to get all pissy. (Pout.)  
Chelios: I ordered tickets to the Diamondbacks game, diamond level! (Excited.)  
Kuznetsov: I didn't know you liked baseball, Chelly.  
Chelios: I'm a dieheard Cubbies fan, Kuzie.  
Kuznetsov: So then why are we going to a Diamondbacks game?  
Chelios: (Whips out sign that reads 'RANDY JOHNSON, YOU SO UGLY YO' MAMA TOOK ONE LOOK AT YOU AND SAID, 'PUT IT BACK IN'!)  
Dandenault: That's cruel, and I don't think they'll let you into the Diamondbacks home stadium with that derogatory sign.  
Chelios: Why shouldn't they? It's a free world and I have the right, nay, responsibility to make an ass of myself. It's the American way.  
Yzerman: People like you should be banned from sporting events.  
Chelios: I already have a lifetime ban from the circus.  
Duchesne: Why?  
Chelios: Just an ugly incident involving me and a circus clown called Jobu. But I don't like to talk about it. (Whistles innocently.)  
Devereaux: I think I remember -   
Chelios: Hush up, you! We mustn't speak of that dark, dark night!  
Dandenault: What happened?! Come on, tell me! Come on! (Bounce.)  
Chelios: You tell him, you die, Boyd. (Cracks knuckles.)  
Devereaux: (Whispers to Dandy.) I'll tell you later, Mathieu. (Pats him on arm.)  
Chelios: (Shakes fist.) I'm watching you.  
Yzerman: Anyway, back to the trip at hand.  
Robitaille: I'm - dare I say - giddy.  
Duchesne: Me too! (Claps hands.) Ooh this is going to be so much fun! I'm so giddy! (Squees.)  
Chelios: Oh dear lord. (Stares heaven-ward.)  
Yzerman: (Points to the sky.) To the airport, boys!  
-Later, at Metro Airport-  
Bored sounding baggage guy: Has anyone asked you to carry any thing for them?  
Duchesne: Yes.  
Bored sounding baggage guy: Please step off to the side, sir.  
Chelios: Duke, you idiot, what the hell are you doing?! (Hisses.)  
Duchesne: (Shrug.) Just trying to jazz up the proceedings.  
Bored sounding baggage guy: We'll have to ask you to strip, sir, so that I can perform a full body cavity search.  
Duchesne: Ooh, kinky.  
Bored sounding baggage guy: I do not find this the least bit amusing, sir.  
Duchesne: (Pout.)  
-After Duchesne's cavity search-  
Chelios: I can't believe we got stuck in coach.  
Fedorov: They should've put Duchesne in baggage. (Rolls eyes.)  
Duchesne: (Sitting uncomfortably.) I'm going to have nightmares for weeks. (Shudder.)  
Chelios: I'll bet you will. That should teach you to crack stupid jokes like that. (Snaps newspaper on his lap.)  
Duchesne: You'd think it would, wouldn't you?  
Dom: I wish I got a full body cavity search. (Pout.)  
Duchesne: I'll perform it for you right now, Dom. (Glare.)   
Dom: (Whine.)   
Legace: Just sit back and shut up, and watch 'Cocktail', Dom.  
Dom: I hate this stupid movie! (Kicks the back of Duchesne's seat.)  
Legace: For the love of Jeebus, will you please shut up?!  
Dom: Someone gave me stale pretzels!  
Legace: God help me, I'll kill him! (Clenches hands into fists, Fischer holds him back.)  
Duchesne: (Holding Chelios's hand.) Did I ever tell you airplanes make me nervous?   
Chelios: No.  
Duchesne: Airplanes make me nervous. (Grabs barf bag.) Ulp!  
Chelios: (Cringe.) Ewwww. Let go of my hand, Duke!  
Maltby: Something stinks.  
McCarty: It's Duchesne! (Waves hand in air.)  
Yzerman: Oh God. (Shakes head.) Maybe this was a bad idea. We should've just gone miniature golfing...  
Shanny: And how. (Duchesne projectile vomits on his head.)


	42. The One Where Dom Dom Adopts a Mascot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dom Dom adopts a team mascot, with disastrous results.
> 
> This probably constitutes kidnapping.
> 
> I don't think Daisy appears in any other chapters. Woo continuity!

-In the lockerroom, after practice-  
Yzerman: (Undressing, listening to a CD.) If I should stay, I would only be in your way. So I'll go, but I know I'll think of you every step of the way. And I-eeeeeeee-I-eeeeeee-I will always loooooooooove you, I-eeeeeeeeeee-I will always love yooooooooou. You, my darling you...   
-Enter Dom-  
Dom: (Grin.) Guess what?!  
Dandenault: Do we have to?  
Dom: Yes.  
Devereaux: You have herpes?  
Dom: (Rolls eyes.) Not anymore. Next.  
Robitaille: Okay... You're gay?  
Dom: (Giggle.) I wish.  
Datsyuk: We give up. Tell us.  
Dom: I got us a mascot! (Turns to someone off to the side.) Come on, they don't bite. (Presents a small child to the team.) Her name is Daisy.  
Shanny: You bought a child?!  
Holmström: Isn't that illegal?  
Dom: (Looks shifty.) Nooo.  
Daisy: Hi. (Waves to them.)  
Lidström: Aren't you sweet.  
Dom: She dances. Show them.   
Daisy: (Begins tap dancing.)  
Yzerman: I'm not sure this is such a good idea, Dom.  
Dom: Poppycock! (Bounces Daisy on his knee.) I made her a cute little costume! She's our new mascot!  
Larionov: I'm pretty sure child labor is illegal.  
Legace: Aw, she's cute though.  
Yzerman: I have a bad feeling about this, guys... (Frowns.)  
Dom: Daisy, don't listen to him. (Glares at Stevie.)   
Bowman: Child social services is here to talk to Dom.  
Yzerman: Oh great. He kidnapped that girl. (Throws up hands.)  
Dom: (Holds Daisy.) No! I'm not giving her back! She's our mascot, ours! I'm keeping her!  
Bowman: She's a child. And anyway, isn't there a waiting list to legally adopt children?  
Daisy: I want to stay with Uncle Dommie. (Hugs his leg.)  
Dom: See? Children aren't afraid of me! (Hugs Daisy.)  
Bowman: I've got social services and INS up my ass. Give her back!  
Dom: No!  
Fischer: Uncle Dommie?  
Bowman: Damn you bleeding heart liberals! (Glares. Punches fist into open palm.)  
Yzerman: You can't keep her!  
Dom: Why not?  
Yzerman: Because she doesn't belong to you!  
Dom: I'm not giving her up!  
Fischer: You could get arrested for child imprisonment!  
Daisy: I wanna stay here! (Hugs Dom's legs.)  
Devereaux: (Putting on airs.) We're all accomplices! We're all gonna go to jail! Because Uncle Dommie here decided to steal a kid!  
Dom: Hush, you! (Claps hands over Daisy's ears.)  
-Later-  
Dom: (Dresses Daisy in a red feathered costume.) There, perfect! Daisy's our little Red Wing mascot! (Claps hands.) So pretty!  
Yzerman: I can't believe they let Dom keep the kid.  
Bowman: Someone in INS didn't do their job.  
Dom: I'm a good daddy to Michael and Dominika, and I'll be a good adopted daddy for Daisy.  
Daisy: (Tap dances.) Let's go Red Wings! (Clap clap clap-clap-clap.)  
Dom: Isn't that adorable?!  
Fischer: Yeah, sure Dom.  
Dom: Make Uncle Dommie proud, Daisy!  
Daisy: I love you Uncle Dommie! And you too, Aunt Manny!  
Legace: (Chuckles.) Hehe, isn't that cute - AUNT Manny?  
Daisy: Now I finally have a real family. (Hugs Manny's legs.)  
Manny: (Pats her head.) Er, never forget that your aunts love you...  
-Later-  
Fischer: Why are you Uncle Dommie and I am Auntie Fischy? I am not woman.  
Dom: I guess she sees me as the alpha male. (Shrug.)  
Yzerman: Dom, we're hockey players, not a pack of wolves.  
Hull: I'm Aunt Bretty-Brett.  
Shanny: I'm Auntie Brendie.  
Yzerman: I don't believe you guys! (Sighs, holds head in hands.)  
Hull: We like her, Stevie!  
Shanny: She's like the daughter I never had.  
Yzerman: It's not my fault your wife is barren.  
Shanny: Hey! (Glare.)  
Devereaux: Daisy calls me Auntie Boydlet.  
Yzerman: Boydlet?  
Devereaux: Yes, Boydlet.   
Yzerman: Oh boy. (Sigh.) I don't believe you guys.  
-Enter Daisy-  
Daisy: I told my teacher Mrs. Lewis that I live with my Uncle Dommie and my twenty two aunts and now she says they're sending some people to meet you! (Hugs Boyd.) Hi Auntie Boydlet!  
Yzerman: What a confused child...  
Dom: You told her about my harem? (Pause.) I mean, you told her about us?  
Daisy: (Nods.)  
Dom: Uh oh.  
-Later-  
Mrs. Social Worker: I'm here for Daisy He-sick. (Sternly.)  
Dom: There's no Daisy here.   
-Daisy is dressed in his goalie equipment.-  
Mrs. Social Worker: Sir, is your backup goalie a midget? (Looks at Daisy.)  
Dom: Yes. We're an equal opportunity hockey team.  
Mrs. Social Worker: Daisy told Mrs. Lewis that she lives with her Uncle Dommie and her (reads from list) Auntie Soap, Aunt Chelly, Aunt Dandy, Aunt Pasha, Auntie Boydlet, Auntie Drapes, Auntie Duke, Auntie Freds, Auntie Fishy, Aunt Homer, Aunt Bretty-Brett, Aunt Maxie, Aunt Iggy, Aunt Manny, Aunt Nicky, Auntie Kirk, Aunt Mac, Auntie Freddie, Aunt Lucky, Auntie Brendie, Aunt Jesse and Auntie Jay-Jay.  
Dom: (Cough.) Um... Well...   
Mrs. Social Worker: Mr. He-sick, you do know polygamy is illegal, right? I won't be able to allow you to keep this child.  
Yzerman: (Comes out in makeup, wig and dress.) I'm his wife. His ONLY wife, Alena. (Clears throat.)  
Mrs. Social Worker: And you don't care that he has, by my count, twenty two concubines, Mrs. He-sick?  
Yzerman: No. We have quite an open relationship.  
Mrs. Social Worker: Oh, um... I best be on my way. (Leaves.)  
All: (Cheers.) Yay! Three cheers for Stevie!  
Dom: (Picks up Daisy and removes her goalie helmet.) Thanks for helping us, Stevie.  
Yzerman: (Removes wig.) Don't mention it. (Pause.) I mean it.  
Daisy: (Hugs him.) I love you, Auntie Stevie.  
All: AW!


	43. The One Where Dom Dom Gets Food Poisoning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chelios and Duchesne finally get retconned.

-In lockerroom, following pregame meals-  
Shanny: (To Stevie.) Hey guys, don't bother Dom. He's in his 'zone'. (Tapes stick.)  
Yzerman: He's not in his 'zone'. He's constipated.  
Dom: (Falls over in locker stall and moans in pain.) Ohhhhh... (Clutches stomach.)  
Dandenault: You doing okay, Dom? You don't look quite so hot.  
Dom: (Moans.) Ohhh... I don't feel so good. (Moan.)  
Shanny: What's the matter?  
Dom: I don't know... I feel bloated.  
Shanny: PMS?  
Dom: No. (Annoyed.) It must've been in my pregame hotdogs.  
Yzerman: (Scolding tone.) Dom! You know we only eat chicken and pasta before games!  
Dom: I do now. (Moans.) Feels like my tummy is trying to jump out of me via my prostate. (Moans.)  
Shanny: That should teach you!  
Dom: (Shrug.) It should.  
Devereaux: Hotdogs are so nasty, Dom! You don't know where that meat comes from!  
Dom: I don't think I can play tonight, guys. (Moans.)  
Yzerman: Manny can't play either! (Looks at Legace, who is trapped in a backup goalie net.) He's incapacitated! Whatever shall we do?! (Frets.)  
Duchesne: I'm our emergency goalie, so I'll dress.  
Dom: Wonderful, Duche - (Pukes all over his equipment.) Ulp.  
Yzerman: (Removes Dom's equipment and hands it to Duchesne.) Here you go.  
Duchesne: (Wrinkles nose.) Ew. (Goes to change.)  
Dom: Sorry guys. (Pale and clammy.)  
Yzerman: Does anyone know if Duke is any good?  
Avery: Chelly does.   
Chelios: Hush, you.  
Duchesne: (Waddles out in goalie equipment.) Okay, I'm ready.  
Dom: (Puts arm around Duchesne.) Okay, whenever you feel an opponent hit you, dive down on the ice. And cursing in foreign languages doesn't hurt. (Clears throat.) Peecha! Hloupy cubka! Stejny! (Shakes fist.)  
Duchesne: (Grin.) Baise-toi! Calisse! Mange de la merde! (Grins.) How was that, Dom?  
Dom: Very good, Duke. You are good pupil. (Grins.)  
Chelios: Maybe it's not a good idea having Dom coach Duchesne?  
Yzerman: It can't hurt... (Dom is coaching Duchesne on groin slashing techniques.) Well, it can't hurt US...   
Dandenault: We're doomed...  
-After game, which Duchesne loses 16-1-  
Duchesne: I can't believe I gave up sixteen goals... I'm the worst goalie ever...  
Yzerman: That would be Steve Buzinski.  
Duchesne: Who?  
Yzerman: They called him Steve "The Puck Goes Inski".   
Duchesne: At least I don't have a catchy nickname like that.  
Avery: Oh you will. You will. (Cackle.)   
Duchesne: Peachy. (Sighs.) I can't wait until Dom is healthy again, and Manny is...no longer incapacitated. I am not cut out for this goalie business.  
Fischer: Goalies are a breed apart.  
Devereaux: That's the most insightful thing I've heard you say, Fisch.  
Fischer: I got part of it from my fortune cookie. (Holds up fortune.)   
Devereaux: I retract my previous statement then.  
Yzerman: Hey Dom, how you feelin'?  
Dom: (Feverish.) No no, foot in crease! Foot in crease! (Thrashes about in his locker.) NOOOOOOooooo! My Cup, My Cup... Bye bye, Cup...   
Hull: He's having nightmares about my goal. (Grins.)   
Dom: AIE! AIE! HULLLLLLLL! AAAAAAH! (Wakes up in a cold sweat, sees Hull standing over him.) AAAAAAH! NIGHTMARE HAS COME TRUE! (Falls out of locker.)  
Yzerman: Dom, I think we need to take you to the hospital.  
Fischer: I think the hospitals are closed now. Let's just take him to the vet's.  
Draper: Nah, the hospitals are still open I think. Late night Taco Bell runs.  
Fischer: I had late night Taco Bell runs the other da -   
Yzerman: Okaaay. (Cuts him off.) Let's take Dom to the doctor and get him patched up. (Looks at Manny.) And let's take Manny too.  
-Later, in emergency room-  
Doctor: (Points to x-ray.) In addition to being tangled in the goal net, your backup goalie has also swallowed a ballpoint pen, a quarter, bobby pins, and a small ball of string.  
Yzerman: It's amazing he's not dead yet. (To Manny.) How'd you get tangled up in the net?  
Doctor: Go on, tell him.  
Legace: I tried to swallow it. (Frown.)  
Doctor: You see, he hasn't graduated past the oral stage of sexuality.  
Yzerman: Oh. (Pause.) What about Dominik? Will he be okay?   
Doctor: The interesting thing about Dominik is that...well, he has worms.  
All: WORMS?!  
Robitaille: 'ow in da 'ell did 'e get worms?!  
Doctor: Has he been around any animals lately?  
Hull: He did feed Daisy's horse a carrot with his mouth...   
Fischer: And he rolled around in the mud the other day with some piglets at the farm...  
Avery: And he took his dog Poochy to the vet becuase he had fleas...  
Dandenault: And I saw 'im eating out of Poochy's Kibbles 'n Bits bowl too... (Pause.)   
Doctor: Good lord... It's amazing he's still alive.  
Yzerman: Can you fix him?  
Doctor: Yes, I'll just give him a shot and he should be as good as new. (Brings out a shaking Dom.)  
Dom: (Is as pale as ice.) I-I-I d-don't feel s-so good... (Twitches.)  
Legace: (Licking lollipop.)  
Dom: (Scratches behind ear.)   
Doctor: (Gives him a shot.) Okay, he should be fine in a few days.   
Yzerman: Thanks, Dr. Johnson. (Grabs Dom and Manny.) Come on, boys.   
-In Wing Mobile-  
Dom: (Scratching himself behind the ear with his foot.)   
Fischer: Um... I wonder what kind of shot Dr. Johnson gave Dom?  
Hull: Me too... (Dom sniffs his ass.) STOP that, Dom! (Shoves him away.)  
Dom: GRRRRRR! Grrrrrr! (Crawls around the back of the Wing Mobile on all fours. Foams at mouth.)  
Robitaille: Uh, Steve... (Tugs on Steve's sleeve.) Dom's, uh, sniffing Brett's ass, foaming at the mouth, and barking.  
Yzerman: Oh. My. God.  
-Sound of tires screeching as Stevie pulls over on the side of the road-


	44. The One Where the Wings Go Go-Karting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Wings have four days off, so they decide to go Go-Karting! But Hasek + Go-Karts = Disaster!!!! 
> 
> There is a therapy session that isn't taken seriously. I really like dumb jokes.

-At Stevie's poolside-  
Dom: (Drinking a Seagram's cooler.) Summer is so boring. (Sigh.)  
Avery: Why don't we rob a bank and take a trip to Acapulco with the loot money?  
Dom: Hmmmm, not a bad idea, Chode.  
Yzerman: No illegal activities, boys! (Sips Seagram's cooler.) How about a golf outing?  
Chelios: Uh, remember what happened the last time we went golfing?  
-Flashback-  
Chelios: Uh, where'd Dom go off to?  
Yzerman: I hear yowling that sounds remarkably like Dom, but I don't see him anywh -   
Hull: Over there! (Points.)  
-Dom's golf cart is trapped in a quicksand-  
Dom: AIE! AIE! Help! SAVE ME! (Waves arms. Goes under.)  
-End flashback-  
Yzerman: Oh yeah, now I remember... It took us three hours to pull him out of the quicksand... (Scratches head.) I'd forgotten about that.  
Dom: I didn't. (Pout.)  
Chelios: Well, maybe we could go to Cedar Pointe...  
Yzerman: Um, no. Dom, roller coasters, and giant turkey legs don't mix.  
Robitaille: Hmmm, what about a field trip to a McDonald's Play Place?  
Yzerman: (Shakes head.) He swallowed one of the balls and needed emergency resuscitation.  
Hull: Shit, Dom can't do anything right.  
Maltby: That's for sure.  
Dom: (Proverbial light bulb goes on over head.) I never Go-Karted before! We can go Go-Karting!  
Hull: You sure that's such a good idea, Stevie?  
Yzerman: It wouldn't hurt to try...  
Hull: (Throws back head and yells.) NOOOooo!  
Dom: Yippee skippy!  
-At the Go-Kart track-  
Robitaille: It might just be me, but I don't trust Hasek in a little car.  
Chelios: Nor do I, Lucky, but it was Stevie's decision. (Frowns.)  
Shanny: (Shakes fist.) Damn that Yzerman, damn him! (Glare.)  
Duchesne: Shanny! I thought you loved Stevie!  
Shanny: I do! I do love Stevie!  
All: (Eye him oddly.)  
Shanny: Not like that, you guys...  
Holmström: Suuuure, Shanny.   
Shanny: (In small voice.) Stevie would never have me.  
Dom: (Driving around track, wildly.) Hey, look out! Beep beep, outta my way! (Heads directly for teammates.)   
All: AIE! (Scatter.)  
Dom: AIE! I LOST CONTROL! AIE! HELP!  
Yzerman: (In mud puddle.) DOM! (Shakes fist.)  
Dom: (Going around in circles, out of control.) HELP ME, SOMEBODY! FOR THE LOVE OF JEEBUS, HELP MEEEEEEE! (Still spinning in circles.)  
Robitaille: (Chasing after him.) THE BRAKES, DOMINIK! HIT THE BRAKES!  
Dom: WHICH ONE'S THE BRAKES?! (Frantic.)  
Hull: Jeezus CHRIST, Dom! Don't you know how to drive?! (Chases after Luc and Dom.)  
Dom: I OWN CHAUFFEUR! HE DRIVE FOR ME! CAR HAS GONE BERZERK!  
Hull: (Pounce. Grabs onto tail fin of go-kart like the T-1000 did in 'Terminator II: Judgment Day'.) DAMMIT DOM, SLOW THE FUCK DOWN, WHY DON'T YOU?!  
Dom: (Starts spinning in circles again. Shrieks girlishly.) EEEEEEEEEK! (Hull flies off and goes crashing into prickery bushes.) Oopsie, my bad.  
Hull: (Dusts himself off.) I'm going to KILL you, Dum Dum! (Picks out thorns.)  
Dom: (Runs down Luc.) Sorry, Luc, my bad. (Heads for a family of baby ducklings crossing the track. Eyes widen in horror.) Out of way, ducklings! Out of way! (Waves arms, frantically.)   
Yzerman: Oh God... This is just screaming PETA and ASPCA... (Hides head in hands.)  
Dom: Move it, duckies! (Bails on kart and rolls downhill.) Ooh! Ouch! Owwie! Yowl! Eeep! Dammit! (Comes to stop at his teammates' feet. Smoke rises from his body.)  
Maltby: Good job, Dum Dum. You just orphaned those baby ducks. (Puts hands on hips.)  
Dom: (Cough.) My bad. Ow. I just heard a bone crack. Owwie. (Crunch.) Ow.  
Hull: (Kicks Dom in the side.) I love kicking a man when he's down.  
Dom: (Gets onto feet.) Okay, I guess it was arm that breaks. (Arm is hanging at an odd angle.) Ouch.  
Devereaux: Ew, yucky. (Cringe.)  
All: (Rush over to injured mother duck.)  
Duchesne: (Crouching over her.) I think she's gonna make it after all!  
All: (Clap and cheer.) Yay!  
Dom: What about me?! The best goalie in the third world just broke his arm here, folks! (Pissy.) Ingrates. (Stomps feet.)  
-Later-  
Legace: I don't understand why Mr. I made all of us go to therapy. Dom's the crazy one.  
Yzerman: Don't look now, Manny, but Duchesne's licking an electrical outlet and Fischy's hitting himself in the head - repeatedly. (Sigh.)  
Fischer: Stop hitting me! No, you stop hitting me! (Hits self in face.) You bitch!  
Legace: Okay, so the majority of us are nuts. I concur. (Sits down and picks up magazine.)  
Dom: (Arm in sling.) One day, Dominik. One day, you will conquer the Go-Kart! (Knows brow fiercely, shakes good fist.) Grrrr! (Growls.)  
McCarty: (To Yzerman.) Tell Kirk to stop pinching my ass!  
Maltby: (To Yzerman.) Tell Darren to stop working out so that his ass isn't quite so pinchable! (Shrilly.)  
Yzerman: I am not getting in the middle of this petty little feud. Settle it like adults, you two!  
Maltby: Okay, Stevie, will do. (Pinches Darren's ass.)  
McCarty: (Boxes Maltby's ears.)   
Maltby: OW! (Kicks Darren in the ass.)  
Yzerman: (Sigh.) Forget I said anything. (Rolls eyes.)  
-Enter shrink-  
Dr. Lavement: Hello folks, I'm Dr. Lavement.  
Dandenault: Lavement?  
Duchesne: Isn't that French for -   
Dr. Lavement: Yes, it is. I can't help my surname. Follow me. (Leads them into office.) Let's start by giving our names and a secret that no one else on the team knows about us.  
Avery: I'm Sean Avery and I have an anger management problem that led to a murder coverup in Kingston...  
All: (Share nervous looks.)  
Chelios: My name is Chris Chelios and I like to wear women's lacy negligees to bed.  
Dandenault: I'm Mathieu Dandendault and I was a bed wetter until the twelfth grade. The only thing that cured me was an electric pad that gave me a shock every time it got damp. (Sheepish smile.)  
Datsyuk: My name is Pavel Datsyuk, and one day, I will take over the world and all of you will be my minion of evil.   
Devereaux: I'm Boyd Devereaux and my only goal in life is to touch Pamela Anderson Lee Rock.   
Draper: I'm Kris Draper and I secretly knit doilies for the old folks' home.  
Duchesne: I'm Steve Duchesne and I'm secretly in love with Chris Che -   
All: We KNOW, Duke!  
Fedorov: I'm Sergei Fedorov and in a past life, I was a Latin pop singer who lived with an underage Russian tennis player in Florida. (Glares, clenches hands into fists.)  
Hasek: I'm Dominik Hasek and I have a weakness for hotdogs.  
Holmström: I'm Tomas Holmström and in my spare time, I'm a carpenter.  
Hull: I'm Brett Hull, and I can do a myriad of things with a stripper poll -   
Dr. Lavement: Okay, that's enough for today.  
Lidström: But what about me? I like to be chained to the bed and have my wife walk all over me in spiked heels!  
Legace: God Nick, I never knew you were such a perv!  
Lidström: There's a lot about me that you stooges don't know.  
Legace: Apparently.  
Dr. Lavement: Okay, moving on... (Claps hands.) Let's discuss why we're all here today -  
Hull: Ha-suck and his runaway Go-Kart... (Glare.)  
Avery: And Duchesne and Chelios's forbidden romance...  
Fischer: And Shanny's propensity for saying, 'And how'. (Nothing bad happens to him.) Heh!  
Shanny: (Bricks all on his head.) HEY! Not fair!  
Draper: And Stevie Y's multiple personality, Evil Stevie.  
Dr. Lavement: That all?  
Duchesne: You forgot Freds's love for underage blondes, Dom's hankering for bamboo and hotdogs, and his kidnapping scheme...  
Dr. Lavement: Kidnapping scheme? (Scribbles in notepad.)  
Dom: It was not kidnapping! I bought that little girl fair and square!  
Fedorov: And don't forget our creepy trainer, Johnny Wharton.  
Fischer: Or Olausson and his scary ass grin... (Shudder.)  
Yzerman: And don't forget Chode's homophobia.  
Avery: Or Steve's half-assed money making schemes.  
Legace: And we can't forget Hasek's overall psychosis.   
Dr. Lavement: (Writing away.) This is so going into my book.  
Dom: Book?  
Dr. Lavement: Never you mind! That'll be $500!  
-In parking lot-  
Dom: I don't know about yous guys, but I still feel crazy.  
Fedorov: Me too.  
Fisher: I think Dr. Lavement does that on purpose, to keep us coming back.  
Dom: I want to start a barber shop quartet.  
Yzerman: Oh, good lord.  
Fischer: Someone hand me a pair of scissors so that I can stab out my eardrums.  
Hull: Can you do mine for me, too, Fischy?  
Yzerman: And me too!  
Shanny: Dum Dum singing sounds like throwing two wet cats into a burlap sack and tying them to the bumper of my, I mean, a pickup truck... (Laughs nervously.)  
Chelios: You tied a sack of cats to your bumper?  
Shanny: NO! Who said I did?!  
Chelios: (Looks away, whistles.) Nevermind...


	45. The One Where Dom Dom Starts a Boy Band

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OR: The Worst Episode Ever

-At a beauty parlor-  
Dom: (Getting a pedicure with Chelios.) This is the life, isn't it Chelly?  
Chelios: Right. (Has cucumber slices over his eyes. Eats one.)  
Dom: I'm getting a money making scheme right now...  
Chelios: Oh no.  
Dom: Oh yes. It is wonderful idea. It will work!  
Chelios: You said that when you 'adopted' - (makes air quotations with fingers) - Daisy, and when you assumed the alias Mervyn Shmergatroyd to open a Swiss bank account.  
Dom: I paid for Daisy with the Swiss bank money!  
Chelios: No you didn't! You threw a handful of Monopoly money at the social worker and ran off shrieking.  
Dom: Oh...yeah... (Thinks.) Well... I had forgotten about that.  
Chelios: Just because you forgot about it doesn't mean it never happened.  
Dom: You're telling me. (Under breath.) So, do you want to hear my new idea or not?  
Chelios: Okay, why not?  
Dom: I'm thinking of getting the cutest, youngest guys on the team and making a boy band out of them for me to peddle and market.  
Chelios: You know, that's actually not that bad of an idea...  
Dom: We have the dumb blond, Freds. (Counts him off on fingers.)  
Chelios: (Giggles.) Heh. That makes sense.  
Dom: We have the street smart sexy boy, Chode. (Counts off one finger.) We have the token ugly guy, me. (Counts off another finger.) We need a token smart nerd and a swoony is-he-gay-or-isn't-he guy.  
Chelios: Perfect! Boyd and Fischy!  
Dom: This will be so fun! (Giggles and claps hands.)  
Chelios: This means I get a discovery fee! Woo! (Pumps fist in air.)  
-Later on, at a pool party at Draper's house-  
Dom: Attention, everyone! (Bangs fist on table.) I have announcement! I'm starting a boy band!  
Duchesne: But Dom, you're almost forty... How can you start a boy band?  
Dom: I just can, okay? (Glares.) I need Chode, Freds, Boydlet, and Fischy. (Leads them into Draper's house.) Are you in or out?  
Devereaux: What's this about a boy band, Dom?  
Dom: I'm starting a boy band that I can market and make money off of, and you guys are the ones who will make me money with your money makers.  
Avery: Uh... Okay...  
Dom: We will be called Hot Ice. (Grins.) Isn't that clever name?  
Fischer: Yeah, very clever... What's in it for us?  
Dom: Money, girls, cars... Just think of it... (Grins.)  
Avery: It sounds enticing... I'm in.  
Fedorov: Having teenage girls panting over me and grabbing me? I'm in!  
Devereaux: I'll do it.  
Fischer: Me too!  
-In recording studio the next day-  
Fedorov: A girl like you, makes me blue. Woo woo woo. (Sings haltingly, flips blond hair for cameraman.)   
Cameraman: Perfect, Freds.  
Fedorov: Why is he calling me Freds?  
Dom: That's your stage name. Mine is Dom, Avery's is Chode, Devereaux's is Boydlet, and Fischer's is Fischy.  
Fischer: I don't like how I have to wear a tiny pink net tank top and this silly little silver lamé shorts. You, Fedorov, Avery and Devereaux get to wear clothes that are warm. (Frown.)  
Dom: It's for your character.  
Fischer: What's my character?  
Dom: Uh... The gay boy.  
Fischer: I'm the gay one?  
Fedorov: Which one am I?  
Dom: The dumb, self-absorbed blond.  
Fedorov: I am not self-absor - wait, yes I am... (Pause. Flips hair.)  
Avery: What am I?  
Dom: The street smart sexy boy...  
Devereaux: And me, or should I not even ask?  
Dom: The token nerd boy. (Smiles.)  
Devereaux: So that's why I'm wearing black framed glasses taped up with duct tape? (Takes off glasses and looks at them.)  
Dom: (Nod.)   
Avery: And that's why these chicks in makeup keep rubbing oil all over my bare chest? (Grins, flexes muscles.)  
Dom: Okay, from the top, boys!  
All: A girl like you, makes me blue, woo woo woo! You hurt my heart, but with you I never want to part. I love you, woo!  
Dom: (Bangs on tambourine.)   
Avery: (Stands around looking sexy.)  
Devereaux: (Pushes glasses up nose.)  
Fedorov: (Checks himself in handheld mirror.)   
Fischer: (Checks out Fedorov.)  
Camerman: Perfect! You guys are always in character!  
Fischer: I was in character? (Blink.)  
-Later on, in Mr. I's office-  
Ilitch: They're calling themselves Hot Ice?   
Bowman: (Nod.)  
Ilitch: And how come I'm not in on this money making scheme?  
Bowman: It was all Hasek's idea, Mike. Usually, his money making schemes just peter out... But this one's looking like a winner.  
Ilitch: Is there anything in their contracts that would help me get my hands on their royalties?  
Bowman: No.  
Ilitch: Damn...   
-Later, at Yzerman's house, crowded around TV-  
Isabella: Daddy! Dom, Sean, Jiri, Boyd and Sergei are on TRL!  
Yzerman: (Runs into den.) Hey guys! Come here! They're on TV!  
Carson Daly: Joining me are Domistick Hatbag and the men of Hot Ice. Welcome! (Claps.)  
-The Wings sit on Steve's couch with bowls of popcorn-  
Draper: Wonder if they can sing...  
Hot Ice: We're hot ice! Melt me with your sizzlin' hot love, honey! We're hot ice, baby, and you're melting melting melting us! OOOOOH!   
All: (Share pained looks.)  
Draper: Write this one up as a Hasek money making scheme that went nowhere.  
Duchesne: Carson looks like he's crying.  
Robitaille: I think he's laughing...  
Duchesne: Even worse... Poor fellas. (Eats a handful of popcorn.)  
-Later on-   
Dom: We only sold six copies of our CD, Hot Ice Melts in Your Hands.  
Duchesne: I bought three. One for my wife, one for my daughter, and one for Chelios.  
Chelios: Thank you very much. (Frowns.)  
Yzerman: Isabella made me buy one.  
Dom: So that accounts for four of the CDs...  
Fischer: I bought one...  
Fedorov: Why? I have bootleg copies in my trunk. I'd have given them to you for half off.  
Fischer: Boydlet looks cute on the cover.  
Devereaux: You're getting too into character, Fischy.  
Fischer: Sorry.  
Dom: Well, that accounts for five... I wonder who has the last copy of Hot Ice Melts in Your Hands...  
-Meanwhile, somewhere in Bristol, Connecticut-  
Buccigross: BARRY! TURN OFF THAT GODDAMMED CD BEFORE I RIP IT OUT OF THE CD PLAYER!  
Melrose: We're hot ice! Melt me with your sizzlin' hot love, honey! We're hot ice, baby, and you're melting melting melting us! OOOOOH! Hot ice! We're hot hot hot for you, honey! (Does moonwalk onto NHL2Night set.) OOH YEAH! Hot ice is gonna cool you down, baby girl! SSSTS!  
Buccigross: (Hides head in hands.) Where's Chicken Parm when you need him?!


	46. The One Where the Red Wings Go to Church

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are jokes about religion in here. If you don't like that, go away.
> 
> Also, a tiny possible Simpsons reference.

-In Wing Mobile, driving around West Bloomfield incredibly bored-  
Dom: I'm bored... Isn't there something we can do?   
Fischer: Yeah. We don't play until at least Saturday.   
Avery: I have an idea!  
Dom: Rob a bank?  
Fischer: Get sex changes?  
Robitaille: Bake bread?  
Avery: No, no and hell no. (Laugh.) We can go to church!  
Duchesne: Church?  
Avery: I have to go to mass today. You guys can come with.  
Chelios: I'm Greek Orthodox... I can't go into an Irish-Catholic church. I'll burst into flame.  
Avery: Bull. You can go into an Irish-Catholic church. It won't kill you.  
Chelios: I know. I'm just trying to think up ways to get out of it.  
Yzerman: I think it would be fun for us to go to church.   
Dom: I've always wanted to go into one of those little booths and turn into Superman.   
Dandenault: Dominik, that's not what the booth is for. It's to confess your sins to the priest.  
Dom: (Eyes are closed.) Don't ruin my fantasy. (Giggles.)  
Devereaux: I'm Jewish.  
Avery: No you're not.   
Devereaux: I am now.  
Avery: Doesn't anyone want to go to church with me?  
Shanny: I will. I've been sinning, and I need to get it off my chest before I go out an sin again.  
Yzerman: Have you no shame?  
Shanny: (Thinks.) No.   
Avery: Okay, then let's go to my church!  
-At church, in confessional-  
Dom: Bless me father, for I have sinned.  
Priest: Spit it out, my child.  
Dom: Well... I had impure thoughts about another man...   
Priest: (Gasp.) Another man?!  
Dom: Yes... And I don't respect my wife Alena. I call her 'woman', 'hey you', and 'yo'. I have an abnormal fondness for hotdogs... Um, let's see here... I stole money from the team's charity fund so I could go fly fishing...   
Priest: Well, you're just a bundle of sins, aren't you? Say forty five Hail Marys and sixty Our Fathers. Peace be with you, my lamb.  
Dom: (Giggle.) Hehe, lamb. Baaaa. (Leaves.)  
-Enter Fischer-  
Fischer: I'm a sinner.  
Priest: I know, my son. What's on your mind?  
Fischer: I think I like to dress as a little girl. I like to put on pretty little pastel pink dresses and white satin bows in my hair, when no one's around. Then I dance around my bedroom in front of my mirror and call myself Mary Margaret.  
Priest: Oh, well... (Cough.)   
Fischer: Am I going to hell?  
Priest: Yes, you are.  
Fischer: Okay, thanks. See you later, Father.  
-Exit Fischer, enter Shanahan-  
Shanny: Bless me father, for I have sinned. It's been fifteen days since my last confession, and believe me, pops, I've been a bad, bad little boy. I've cheated on my wife with seven different women.   
Priest: In two weeks, my son?  
Shanny: Yes. (Small voice.) I just likes the womens.  
Priest: Say one hundred Hail Marys and one hundred Our Fathers.  
-Exit Shanahan-  
Shanny: That priest is making me say one hundred Hail Marys and one hundred Our Fathers. I'll be here 'til Easter.  
Yzerman: You can just pretend.  
Shanny: But then I'll go to hell. (Kneels.) Hail Mary, full of grace. The lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.   
-The others wander off to look at Jesus on the cross-  
Fischer: Poor guy.  
Dom: He died for you.  
Fischer: (Begins to cry.)   
Duchesne: Why'd you say that? You know he's sensitive, Dom.  
Dom: I know. That's why I did it.  
Avery: (Patting Fischer's back.) It's okay, Fischy. He didn't really die for you, specifically. He died for all Christians.  
Fischer: Oh... Okay.  
Yzerman: And he did rise up again.  
Fischer: Jesus is a zombie?!  
Yzerman: (Rolls eyes.) No, Jesus rose up to heaven.  
Fischer: Oh...   
Chelios: I'm going to go hit on some nuns. Who's with me?  
Draper: I'm in!  
Yzerman: You heretics! (Shakes fist at them.)  
Devereaux: Since I'm Jewish now, can we go to a Jewish temple?  
Yzerman: Since when did you become a Jew?  
Devereaux: Since a group of women accosted me at the airport. (Hands him a brochure.)  
Yzerman: This isn't for Judaism. This is for the Minion of Satan.  
Devereaux: Oh. That must be why I'm getting weird phone calls at night.  
Legace: I think Dom's in the Holy water  
-Dom is drinking from the Holy water-  
Yzerman: (Hisses.) Dominik! Stop that! You're drinking the Holy water!  
Dom: I'm thirsty...  
Yzerman: Go drink out of the toilet!  
Dom: (Goes back into confessional.)  
Yzerman: (Rolls eyes.)  
Robitaille: I don't like churches. I think Jesus is looking at me, 'cause whenever I move, his eyes follow me. (Moves to the right.) It's creeping me out. (Moves to the left.) He's still staring at me...  
Fedorov: Lucky, cut that out. He's not looking at you. He's just a statue. (Pats Jesus's foot.)  
Yzerman: (Cringes.) You're not supposed to touch him!  
Fedorov: Oops. (Moves away. Pause.) You know what? It does look like he's staring at me. (Moves to the left, and then the right.)  
Robitaille: See?  
Dom: (Exits confessional.) I got fifteen Hail Marys and twenty Our Fathers. And a string of curse words from the priest.  
Yzerman: What did you do to him?  
Dom: I opened the little window and grabbed him by the collar. He didn't like that.  
-Priest leaves booth-  
Priest: Leave my church now! You are no longer welcome in the house of God!  
-Later on, the team is sitting on a curb in front of the church-  
Fischer: So, where to now?  
Yzerman: I don't know.   
Dom: I know about this other church. Let's go there.  
Draper: What kind of church?  
Dom: It's a new age church. Everyone lives together in a commune, and they shave their heads and wear orange dresses.  
Fischer: Even the men?  
Dom: Even the men.  
Yzerman: I think that's a cult.  
Dom: Cult, religion. Same thing. (Shrug.) So, what about it, guys?  
Devereaux: I'm in. I have a very moldable mind.  
Fedorov: I'm game.   
Dom: The bad thing is that you have to turn over all material possessions to the one they call the Great Leader Shabooboo.  
Fedorov: Oh.  
Draper: Nevermind.


	47. The One Where Dom Dom Wins the Lottery

-The team is at Dom's house watching movies-  
Dom: (To Chelios.) I hope this one is my ticket outta here. (Kisses lotto ticket.) Mwa mwa mwa.  
Chelios: Dom, you make eight million a year.   
Dom: Well, you can never have too much money.   
Fischer: What will you do if you win the $250 million jackpot, Dom Dom?  
Dom: (Thinks.) Oh... I'll probably buy the Tigers and contract them... And I'll buy my own private jet and call it HasekAir... (Thinks.) And then I might buy myself a mail-order bride from Russia.  
Lidström: Aren't you married to Alena, the mother of your children?  
Dom: (Thinks.) Hmmm, come to think of it, I haven't seen her in two months. (Shrug.)  
Hull: Will you buy me a pony?  
Dom: No.  
Hull: I always wanted a pony, but my dad was too cheap to buy me one. You've gotta buy me a pony, Dom!  
Dom: NO! I'm not wasting my hard earned lotto money on a stupid pony! (Pout.)  
Devereaux: Quiet! This is where Ariel gets her feet!  
Dom: (Rolls eyes.) Anyway, that only accounts for, like, a couple million... What else could I do with the money?  
Yzerman: You could put up the funds to build a new Joe.  
Dom: No, I don't think I'll do that.  
Fischer: You could give the money to Kenny Holland to bring back Chris Osgood.  
Dom: Uh, no. (Thinks.) I think I'll trade in my swanky Birmingham mansion for one in Bloomfield Hills.  
Draper: You and your mansions, Dom.   
Lidström: Why don't you give your money to a charity? You can write it off in your taxes.  
Dom: Evil and crafty, but no... Heck, I don't even know if I've won. (Turns on TV. Woman pulls rubber balls from machine.)  
Woman: The winning numbers are "39-5-14-24-91." I repeat, the winning numbers are "39-5-14-24-91."  
Dom: (Squeals.) OMIGOD! THOSE ARE MY NUMBERS! I AM MULTIMILLIONAIRE! (Bounces in his seat.)  
Avery: (Throws down ticket.) That is so not fair! I've been buying these things since I was fifteen!  
Dom: This was my first ticket!  
Avery: (Glare.)  
-Later on, after Dom has claimed his ticket-  
Dom: I got it in lump sum. (Holds out a briefcase filled with money.) Now I have to figure out what to do with all of it.  
Lidström: I'm telling you, donate it to a charity and write it off.  
Chelios: Give it to me because you love me.  
Duchesne: Give it to me because I'm so adorable and irresistible.  
Draper: Give it to me because I love you.  
Fischer: Give it to me for my college education!  
Dom: Fischy, you're twenty-one. You're not going to college.  
Fischer: Stomp out my dreams, why don't you? Did you know I wanted a degree in government?! I wanted to work for the EPA! (Pouts. Storms off.)  
Dom: (Grins.) What to do, what to do... (Rubs hands together and laughs.) I know! I know what I'm going to do with my money!  
Holmström: What are you going to do with your money, Dom?  
Dom: I'm going to buy myself a toupée.  
Lidström: What a waste! A toupée?!  
Dom: A state of the art toupée made from a real Arabian horse's mane. (Shows him a brochure.)  
Lidström: Dominik, you have a fine, healthy head of hair. Why are you getting an overpriced toupée?  
Dom: Because I can.  
Larionov: Why don't you hire a consultant who will tell you what to do with your money?  
Dom: I don't want anyone's hands on this money but me.  
Fischer: You need to buy a midget and dress him in a tux and have him be your butler.  
Dom: I don't think I like that idea...   
Robitaille: You need to hire someone to tell you what to do with your money.   
Dom: I'll think of something...  
Yzerman: I'm telling you, you need to foot the bill for the new Joe. We can name it the Dominik Hasek Ice Den at the Joe Louis Arena.  
Dom: I like the sound of that...  
Fedorov: You can buy the naming rights and sell them to a big corporation... Like Kotex, or Marlboro... Or Northwest Airlines.  
Dom: Kotex Arena? (Frowns.) I don't like that.  
Lidström: You could sell the rights to my Magic Energy Drink company and name the arena Magic Energy Drink Arena.  
Dom: Nah... I'm not going to build a new Joe... (Thinks, scratches his chin.) I could buy our minor league team and name it the Grand Rapids Haseks!  
Yzerman: No, Dom. Over my dead body you will!  
Shanny: That's right. (Pats Steve's shoulder.) Over his dead body.  
Dom: (Sighs.) I all ready own three sports cars, a mansion, servants and a computer. What else do I need?  
Fischer: A concubine.  
Dom: No, got one of those all ready... Anyone else got a suggestion?  
Draper: I've got the perfect idea, Dom! (Whispers in his ear.) Whisper whisper whisper.  
Dom: (Grins and rubs his hands together.) I like it, Drapes, I like it very much!  
-During game one of the Conference Finals against Colorado-  
Dom: (Sets briefcase on top of his net, waits for opening face off.) Hehe... This is a good idea! The fans will love me!  
-Referee drops puck for opening face off and Sakic wins it-  
Sakic: (Skates in on Dom.)  
Dom: (Opens up brief case and throws money at the crowd.) Here fans, catch the money!  
Sakic: (Trips on a dollar bill and crashes into the boards.) OW! My ankle!  
Hejduk: (Trips over Sakic and crashes into glass.) AAAAH! I broke my wrist!  
Tanguay: (Trips over Sakic and Hejduk and slams into boards.) OW! MY HEAD!  
Referee: Two minutes for delay of game, Hasek. And a ten minute misconduct.  
Dom: Why?! I'm just trying to give back to the fans!  
Referee: Go on, Dominik. (Goes to Bowman.) Put in Legace. Hasek's gone..  
Bowman: What in Sam Hell do you think you're doing, young man?!  
Referee: Hasek has two for delay of game and a ten minute misconduct.  
-Meanwhile, players are dropping like flies, tripping on money. Patrick Roy is stuffing bills behind his goalie pads-  
Roy: Tank you for da money, Dom. (Stuffs some inside his jersey.)  
Dom: (From penalty box, tossing money to the penalty box attendant and into the crowd.)   
Referee: He's causing a ruckus, Mr. Bowman. Either tell him to stop throwing money into the crowd or he'll be out for the game.  
Bowman: (To Steve.) Go tell Hasek to stop throwing money into the crowd.  
Yzerman: (Goes over to penalty box.) Dom, if you keep throwing money to the fans, the ref is gonna toss you.  
Dom: This is the best thing I could do with the money, Stevie. I think the fans are appreciating it. And I know Patrick Roy is.  
Roy: (Busy stuffing money into his goalie pads and down his jersey.)  
Yzerman: Well, you don't want to be tossed from the game.  
Dom: I'll just buy off the refs then.  
-After the game-  
Yzerman: Well, good job, Dom.  
Dom: I still have $100 million left.  
Lidström: You threw $150 million dollars into the crowd?!  
Dom: Yes.  
Lidström: What a waste! I told you to donate it to a charity that could use it! Those fans are probably just going to go out and blow the money on beer.  
Dom: Well it's not my fault Ilitch overprices his damn beverages. I'm a man for the fans.  
Lidström: Okay, whatever.   
Fischer: Why don't you give the money to me?  
Dom: Why?  
Fischer: Because I don't make eight million dollars a year.  
Dom: No. I think I've decided what to get, anyway.  
Yzerman: Do we even wanna know?  
Dom: No.  
-Later, in lockerroom the following day, enter Hasek-  
Dom: Hello guys, I'd like to show you what I bought!  
Yzerman: Oh God... I'm worried.  
Duchesne: Me too... Did you buy a male prostitute?  
Dom: No.  
Duchesne: Then it can't be that bad. What did you get?  
Dom: (Pushes open lockerroom door and leads in a pony wearing a banner on its back.) This is Mr. Chips, my pony.  
Hull: You bought a pony?! (Stomps feet.)  
Dom: Yup. (Feeds it a carrot and brushes its mane.) Isn't he pretty?  
Hull: I hate you with the fire of a million suns.  
Dom: (Sighs.) Here, you can have Mr. Chips.  
Hull: Whee! (Claps hands, hugs Mr. Chips.) My very own pony!   
Dom: (Sigh.)   
Yzerman: How much did he cost?  
Dom: Five million dollars.  
Yzerman: So what did you do with the rest of the money?  
Dom: Oh, it doesn't matter...  
-Meanwÿhile, in the Avalanche's visiting lockerroom-  
Sakic: (Hiding behind Roy, pointing to flaming paper bag.) Step on it, Patty! STEP on it!  
Roy: I'm not stepping on it! It's a flaming bag of dog shit! (Points.)  
Sakic: (Opens notecard.) 'To the Ass-alanche - Kiss my pasty white bony ass. Love, Dominik'.  
Tanguay: (Grabs extinguisher, sprays flaming bag of dog shit.) He set hundred dollar bills on fire! (Reaches into bag, singes fingers.)  
Blake: Don't touch it, dumbass!  
Tanguay: But he's burning money! (Tries to grab money, Blake slaps his hand away.)   
Aebischer: What sicko did this to us?! (Tears at hair.)  
Roy: HASEK! (Growls.)  
-Meanwhile, in the Wings' lockerroom-  
Dom: Mwahahahahahahahahaha. (Begins coughing.) Ha.


	48. The One Where the Wings Win the Cup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve Duchesne really did talk about kissing dudes. So there's that.
> 
> Asterisks mean a foreign language is being spoken.

-In the lockerroom following the Cup win. Duchesne and Robitaille are naked and chasing each other, snapping their bare asses with towels-  
Shanny: Stop that, you two! I'm giving an interview here! (Turns to cameras.) And that's how I impregnated my wife and saved the Atlanta debutantes from uncertain doom.  
Bernie Smilovitz: Uh Shanny, I just asked you how you felt about Bowman leaving.  
Shanny: I know. Next question.  
-We move to another part of the lockerroom-  
Wallin: I want to build a tree fort. (Wearing tri-corner hat.)  
Fischer: You can't build a tree fort in here. There's no trees. (Looks into binoculars.)  
Avery: (Hides behind Fischer.) Hide me.  
Fischer: Why?  
Avery: (Holds up Hasek's athletic cup.)  
Fischer: Ewww, put that thing down! Before you get herpes! (He and Wallin inch away.)  
-Chelios is eating Goldfish and singing loudly, very drunkenly-  
Chelios: I love Fishy 'cause he so delicious, gone gold fishing...  
Fischer: Um...  
Chelios: (Bites the head off of a Goldfish and smiles.) Hi Fishy.  
Fischer: Are you drunk?  
Chelios: It depends. (Breathes into hand and smells breath.) Drunk enough.  
-Duchesne and Robitaille run through the lockerroom, wielding water guns-  
Shanny: And I dedicate this Cup win to my to-be-born twins, Stanley and Cup.  
Smilovitz: (Blinks.) Oh, uh, those are nice names... I guess.  
Duchesne: (Squirts Shanny in the eye with his water gun. Still nude.) Look Shanny, I got you!  
Shanny: (Wipes at face.) You sonofabitch! I'm on live fucking TV! And I so did not need to see your naked ass!  
Duchesne: (Wiggles ass.) Haha! Never gonna catch me!  
Shanny: C'MERE! (Lunges at Duchesne, falls into Lidström's locker.)  
Lidström: My Smythe! (Runs to catch trophy, but it falls on Shanny's head.) Your hard head DENTED it, Brendan! (Stomps foot, fusses over dented Smythe.)  
Shanny: It's not my fault! It's his! (Points to Duchesne.)  
Lidström: (Glances at Duchesne, looks at the floor.) Tell me when he's no longer nude.  
-Five minutes pass-  
Lidström: Well, aren't you going to tell me when he's no longer nude?  
Shanny: Nope, still nude.  
-We move on to the Yzerman family-  
Isabella: Dad, you can stop covering my eyes now.  
Yzerman: Will you guys just put some clothes on?! Please?!  
Robitaille: No, I refuse.  
Duchesne: As do I.  
Yzerman: You know, we've got kids in here... They do NOT need to be seeing Duchesne's ugly ass. Excuse me, sweetie, ugly rear end.  
Duchesne: Hey! My ass isn't ugly! (Turns around to look at ass and turns in circles.)  
Shanny: Hehe, I love when he does that.  
Yzerman: Come on, honey, we're getting out of -  
Hasek: Oh no you don't! You not leaving until you drink from the Cup of Stanley!  
Yzerman: Trapped!  
-Meanwhile, Chelios and Fischer are flirting drunkenly in the corner of the lockerroom-  
Fischer: (Holding bottle of champagne.) Chelly, did I ever tell ya I loved ya?  
Chelios: I think you did, Fishy. (Belches.) Heh. My breath smells like champagne. Hehe. (Puts his arm around Fischer's waist.) Your beard is too long. I'm going to shave you.  
Fischer: Don't wanna shave! I wanna keep this beard forever so I can go into stores and hide things in it!  
Chelios: Shoplifting is bad, Fishy.  
Fischer: It never hurts to try. (Hiccups.)  
Chelios: (Licks Fischer's neck.) You taste like beer and wine.  
Fischer: How come you do all the lickin', Chelly? I wanna try! (Licks Chelly's nose.)  
Hasek: Are you two licking each other?  
Chelly: No.  
Fischer: No.  
Hasek: Okay then. (Moves on.)  
-Duchesne is wearing a Stanley Cup championship hat and ONLY a Stanley Cup championship hat-  
Yzerman: When I said "Get dressed", I meant in clothes, Duke.  
Duchesne: Why didn't you shay sho, Shtevie?!  
Yzerman: (Rolls eyes. Covering daughter's face with a towel.)  
Robitaille: DUKE! (Hits a stunned Duchesne in the mouth with a puck.)  
Duchesne: Ah, you idiot! You bwoke my remaining teef!  
Yzerman: Oh God. (Flees out back with daughter and wife.)  
Shanny: And then I says, "Don't you know who I am? Helmut Farfunuggen!"  
Smilovitz: Really? (Bored, yawns.)  
Shanny: Yup. My name is Helmut Farfunuggen and I invented the tampon.  
Smilovitz: How many beers did you have, Brendan?  
Shanny: One. I had seven bottles of champagne.  
Smilovitz: Oh... (Looks around for another Wing.) Oh, Duchesne! (Runs off.)  
Shanny: Don't you want to hear about the time I wrestled the bear?  
Draper: Shanny, you climbed into the cage at the Detroit Zoo and almost had your ass chewed off.  
Shanny: I did not! (Shiftily.)  
Smilovitz: So this is your first Cup. How do you feel?  
Duchesne: (Kisses Smilovitz.)  
Smilovitz: (Sputters.) What was that?!  
Duchesne: I like kishing da guysh. I'm not gay but I like kishing da guysh! Dish ish an emotional time for me. (Grabs Hasek as he walks by and kisses him.)  
Hasek: Eep!  
Duchesne: You know you love it. (Winks.)  
Hasek: I know not of what you speak!  
-Meanwhile, Lidström and Chelios are wrestling over the last bag of Goldfish-  
Lidström: It's mine! I won the Smythe!  
Chelios: You did not! You stole that from Knitting Lady!  
Lidström: (Shakes Chelios by his shoulders.) It's MY bag of Goldfishes!  
Fischer: Okay, okay, you can both have me.  
-Lidström and Chelios stop strangling one another-  
Lidström: All I wanted was the last bag of Goldfishes. (Walks away.)  
Chelios: (Grins.) I get the last bag of Goldfishes AND Fishy!  
Fischer: (Squeals and claps hands.) I'm a damsel in distress! Rescue me!  
Chelios: (Giggles.) Dude, we are SO drunk.  
Fischer: (Climbs into Hasek's locker stall.) Help! Help! I'm being chased by big bad robber men!  
Chelios: I'll save you, fair maiden Althelfritha!  
Fischer: Althelfritha?  
Chelios: (Tries to pull Fischer out of Dom's locker.) Uh... Althelfritha? I think you're stuck in the locker.  
Fischer: Uh oh.  
Hasek: (Walks over with a hotdog.) What you be doing in my locker?! Shoo! Shoo!  
Fischer: I'm Althelfritha, a damsel in distress. This is my handsome prince, Mortimer Dingleberry.  
Chelios: (Frowns.)  
Hasek: Oh, I'm sorry, fair maiden. Carry on. (Wanders off in search of Jawbreakers.)  
Chelios: DINGLEBERRY?  
Fischer: My mind blanked! It was either that or Assgoblin!  
-Meanwhile, all hell is breaking loose-  
Fedorov: Anna and I are SO still together!  
Avery: You so are not! She dumped you for that Latin pop star!  
Fedorov: You believe everything you read in the tabloids?  
Avery: Yes.  
Fedorov: You don't even have a fifth grade reading level.  
Avery: Well, you DATE fifth graders!  
Fedorov: Oooooh I am so going to kill you!  
Avery: I'd like to see you try, girly man!  
Fedorov: (Lunges. Runs into Lidström, who is angry someone stole his Smythe.) Watch it!  
Lidström: YOU watch it, anustova.  
Fedorov: What did you call me?  
Lidström: Take a wild guess, mammaknullare. (Glares.) You stole my Smythe! I can smell it on you!  
Fedorov: All you can smell is beer and cigars! I'm innocent, I say!  
Lidström: GIVE ME BACK MY CONN! (Strangles Fedorov.)  
Legace: Uh, Nick, the Smythe is over in the hot tub with Luc's and Duke's wives.  
Lidström: Oh. Why is it in the hot tub?  
Legace: CoughIthrewitintherecough. (Waddles off.)  
-Meanwhile...-  
Bowman: STOP THIS MAYHEM AT ONCE! (Stomps feet.)  
-Everyone stops dead in their tracks-  
Bowman: I'm announcing my retirement. I've coached my last game for you sorry sacks. See ya on the golf course. (Leaves.)  
Larionov: *I can't believe the old shithead is really gone.*  
Bowman: (From hall.) I heard that, Larionov!  
Devereaux: Like, what will we do without Scotty? Omigod! We're SO gonna suck! (Squeals.)  
Yzerman: You are such a Valley Girl.  
Devereaux: (Tears at hair.) OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD!  
Maltby: So, we're Stanley Cup champs, again. (Grins.)  
Draper: You missed a spot. (Licks shaving cream off Maltby's face.)  
McCarty: Uh, okay. (Blink.)  
Chelios: DOM! I LOVE YOU MAN!  
Fischer: You whore!  
Hasek: I love you too, Chelly! This is the best day of my life! (They hug and cry.)  
Chelios: I love you, buddy. (Sobs.)  
Hasek: Why am I crying like little girl?  
Chelios: I dunno... Are you really a little girl? (Tries to peek inside Dom's jersey.)  
Hasek: (Bats his hand away.) Hey! Save that for AFTER the cameras are gone!  
Fedorov: STANLEY CUP COMING THROUGH! (Hurls octopus in the air.)  
Fischer: That's not the Stanley Cup.  
Fedorov: I know, that's an octopus I picked off the ice. I named him Stanley Cup.  
Yzerman: (Pulls octopus off of face.) FREDS!!!!!!!  
Fedorov: Sorry, Steve. (Slaps high fives with Shanny once Steve's back is turned.)  
Shanny: (Chases after camera man.) And did I tell you about the time I fought the mighty Al the Octopus on the steamboat Willy? Or what about the time I married Brett in a civil ceremony on the moon?  
Draper: Stop giving Shanny beer, everyone! When he's drunk, he says dumb things.  
Fedorov: But I like when he says dumb things.  
Shanny: I was cursed by a leprechaun.  
Fischer: (Hands Shanny a beer.)  
Shanny: Thank you, Santy Claus.  
Duchesne: Oooh this is fun!  
Draper: I warned you. Don't say I didn't warn you guys.  
Shanny: Who's that stealing the Cup?  
Dandenault: (Cracks up.) Oh dear, dat's da funniest ting I've ever 'eard!  
Shanny: No, someone's stealing Stanley. (Points. Someone has stolen Stanley!)  
Yzerman: Hey, you! Come back with our Stanley!  
Fischer: Okay, who pinched my ass?  
Chelios: Wasn't I!  
Hasek: Guilty as charged! (Raises hand and giggles.)  
Yzerman: You tools, forget ass pinching! Someone stole Stanley!


	49. The One With the Parade

-Team is standing around waiting for the floats to arrive. Enter Larionov-  
Larionov: (Pissed.) Who drank my wine?  
Shanny: Not I, no sirree. (Giggles.)  
Duchesne: Nor I. (Hiccups.)  
Larionov: (Sighs, holds empty bottle in hand.) You shouldn't be drinking wine before ten in the morning. Especially not my wine.  
Maltby: (Pouts, glares at Brendan Shanahan and Steve Duchesne.) You're going to embarrass me! (Stomps feet.)  
Shanny: (Puts arm around Fedorov's shoulders.) Did I tell you about the time I wrestled an crocodile in the desert rain forests of the mighty Himalayan Amazon?  
Fedorov: Brendan, that wasn't you, that was the Crocodile Hunter.  
Shanny: How do you know it wasn't me? (Challengingly.)  
Fedorov: Uh, because we watched it on the Animal Channel last night.   
Shanny: Suuuuure. (Shifts from foot to foot.)  
Yzerman: Help, the giant octopus is attacking me! (An octopus float topples onto Stevie.)  
Legace: I knew there was more to Al than plastic and air! I command thee to attack! (Waves arms, octopus deflates.) Damn you, Al.  
Yzerman: (Crawls out from under deflated octopus.) This stinks of Shanahan! (Points at Brendan.)  
Shanny: (Eyes widen in innocence.) Who, me?! I love Steve! (Laughs nervously.)  
Maltby: We know you do, Shanny.  
Shanny: I didn't do it! (Panics. Grabs a bottle of Igor Larionov's wine and runs off. Runs back in.) Yoink. (Runs off.)  
Yzerman: Isn't someone gonna stop him?!  
Devereaux: Aw crud, it's raining!  
Fedorov: Quick, get me an umbrella! I'm going to melt!  
Avery: That's where you're wrong, Freds. Sugar melts, shit floats.  
Fedorov: (Grabs a newspaper.) Funny, haha. (Rolls eyes.)  
-Avery and Wallin start fencing with plastic lightsabers-  
Wallin: En garde! (Stabs Avery.)  
Avery: Heeeey! Not my special spot!  
Larionov: Behave, you two! (Glares.)  
Avery: Aw shucks, Igor! (Scuffs feet.)  
Wallin: (Spears unsuspecting Avery in groin.) HA!  
Avery: (Curles into a fetal ball.) Owwie.  
-Enter a drunk Shanny and a drunk Duchesne-  
Duchesne: (Kisses Shanny on the mouth.) I can't shtop kisshing thish hunk of Irish manshex! (Kisses him again.) Mwa mwa mwa.  
Shanny: (Giggles.) Irish mansex! Hehe.  
Duchesne: Ooh, beer nutsh. (Runs off.)  
Shanny: (To Draper.) Hey Drapes, whazzzzzzzzzzup?!  
Draper: (Blink.) Do I know you?  
Shanny: (Gasps.) AIE! The giant penguins are attacking! (Points and shrieks shrilly.)  
Draper: (Looks to where Shanny is pointing.) Bren, those aren't penguins. Those are lampshades. (Sips beer.)  
Shanny: (Pause.) Oh... (Points and stomps foot.) Back, you waddling fiends!  
Stacia Robitaille: (Runs in shrieking.) LUUUUUUUUUUC! LUUUUUUUUUUC, SAVE ME!  
Luc: What's wrong, honey?  
Stacia: (Tears at hair.) Your goalie won't stop hitting on me! He's, like, a sex machine!   
-Enter Hasek-  
Dom: Quit playing hard to get, butterbean! You know you like the Slinky!  
Luc: Back off, Dom! She's my wife!  
Dom: (To Stacia.) ROWR!  
Stacia: (Pokes him in the eyes.) Away, you insatiable sex fiend!  
-Enter the players' kids-  
Isabella: Daddy!  
Yzerman: What's the matter, angel? (Picks her up.)  
Isabella: You killed Al the Octopus! (Angrily.)  
Yzerman: Oh, I -  
Hull: That's right, Izzy, he killed Al dead.  
Isabella: DA-AD-DY! YOU MURDERER!  
Yzerman: Thanks a lot, Brett. (Sigh.)  
Hull: Hey, no problem, Stevie. Always willing to help.  
Devereaux: (Giddily.) Oh boy, I am so totally stoked. I'm still on an adrenaline high! (Gushes.)  
Yzerman: Oh boy... Someone, keep Boydie away from the caffeine.  
Shanny: (Kisses Duchesne.) That's the thing about women and pets, my friend. There's plenty of them in the sea. (Belches and slips hand into the waistband of his jeans.)  
Duchesne: What da 'ell are ya talkin' about? (Confused.)  
Shanny: I don't know. (Blink.) Uh...  
Dom: I think she likes me. (Winks at Stacia.)  
Luc: That's my wife you're talking about.  
Dom: That's what you think. (Rubs hands together and cackles.)  
Avery: When's this parade thing gonna get going? My testes are going to freeze off on account of the weather.  
Hull: Thanks for that little news flash, Chode.  
Avery: I'm serious, though! They're shriveling in the cold! Look! (Drops pants.)  
All: (Groan and cover eyes, save for Duchesne.)  
Duchesne: He'sh right, dey are shriveling. I'm shorry, Chode. (Pats him on shoulder.)  
Yzerman: Chode, pull up your pants for God's sake!  
Avery: My unborn Averys depend on us getting onto that there float! (Points to float.) I sure hope it's heated.  
Olausson: (Grins.)  
Chelios: STOP LOOKING AT ME, YOU SICK, SICK BASTARD! (Runs away shrieking.)  
Yzerman: That's not our float, guys. That's the Ilitch family float. We ride in the little red and white cars.  
Avery: FIZZLE POT! (Slams fist into wall.)  
Duchesne: Huh?  
Avery: Fizzle pot, Duke. It's the trendy new word to substitute for 'fuck'. Instead of saying 'fuck', say fizzle pot. You'll be the coolest bastage in all of D-town and the babeage will flock to you.  
-Enter Bowman. He hits Duchesne in the mouth as he walks by and Duchesne loses two more teeth-  
Duchesne: MOTHER FIDDLE POTTER! WATCH DA FIDDLE POT WHERE YOU'RE GOING, FIDDLE POTTING ASH HOLE! (Stomps foot.)  
Bowman: Are you on drugs, man? (Turns to Yzerman.)  
Yzerman: What are you doing here, Scotty? (Surprised.)  
Bowman: I came to see you bastards off. I'm going to Disney World with my wife.  
Yzerman: Oh, how...thoughtful of you... (Pause.)  
Shanny: Hooha.  
Fedorov: (Shrilly.) Who took my newspaper?! My hair is getting wet! (Stomps feet.)  
Shanny: Who took my dignity? (Sips Larionov's stolen wine.)  
Hull: Did you ever have dignity, Brendan?  
Shanny: (Thinks.) Good question. (Sips wine.)  
Man: Okay guys, get ready.  
Fedorov: But it's raining! I can't go out in the rain!  
Man: What, you won't melt! (Shoves Fedorov into a little red car and staps him in so he can't get out.)  
Chelios: (Grins.) Where's Anna, Sergs? Too busy diddling that Latin pop singer?  
Fedorov: (Lunges. Held back by belt.) ARGH! ROAR!   
Chelios: (Laughs.) God, I love doing that.   
Dom: Why won't the fans stop chanting "One more year"?! Too much pressure! I'm getting ulcer! Come back, Dom! One more year, Dom! Stay in Detroit, Dom! Shove it up your ass, Dom! SHUT UP, YOU DEVILISH FIENDS! (Pulls at hair.)  
Lidström: I think Dom needs a mental vacation.  
Hull: I have the perfect solution: Lobotomy.  
Legace: Coughtoolatecough.  
Dom: (Squealing.) Whatever shall I do?! (Puts on airs.)  
Chelios: Why don't we just hire a Rent-A-Goalie from http://www.rentanetminder.com? (Typing on computer.)  
Hull: That's not a half-bad idea, Chelly.  
Fischer: (Computes numbers in head.) That's, like, 1/4 the cost of a free agent goaltender, such as CuJo, or Eddie the Ego. Like, as in only $50 compared to, like, $8.8 million! (Grins.)  
Maltby: (Raises hand.) I'll do it for the extra dough.   
Fischer: You can't be our goalie. You still have to play with Mac and Drapes.  
Shanny: And how.  
Draper: Not funny. SO not funny.  
-Players begin to get into their little red and white cars-  
Dandenault: VROOM VROOM! (Honks horn.)  
Duchesne: Dish ishn't bumper carsh, Dandy. (Pulls down pants and moons Robitaille.)  
Dandenault: Ruin my fantasy, why don't you? (Jams his foot on gas and rear ends Fedorov.) SCREE! Sorry, Freds.  
Fedorov: Why is everyone always picking on me?  
Man: You, in the back! Don't touch the steering wheel! (To Dandy.) And what do you think you're doing?!  
Duchesne: Who, me?! (Holds up hands.)  
Man: I saw what you were doing!  
Duchesne: (Grins and holds up hands.) Guilty ash charged!  
-The cars begin to drive off-  
Lidström: Waitaminute, did we ever find out who stole Stanley?  
Yzerman: Now that I think of it, no.  
Fedorov: Well, we've still got Clarence. Mwa mwa mwa. (Kisses it.)


	50. The One With the Saturday Morning Cartoon Hour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Russians are secretly evil.

-In McCarty's den, watching Saturday morning cartoons-  
McCarty: Dude, wouldn't it be so awesome if I could fly like Superman?  
Draper: I think it would be awesomer if I had the ability of Stretch Armstrong.  
Maltby: No, dudes, x-ray vision. Think about it. (Sips Hi-C fruit juice cooler.)  
McCarty: Oh, well... (Thinks, scratches head.)  
Fischer: I would want the power to run really fast. (Eats Wheaties.) Or maybe give girls orgasms by just looking at them and doing this thing with my eyebrow that I do. (Wiggles eyebrow at Maltby. No reaction.) Damn.  
Hull: If I had a super power, it would have to be an insatiable sexual appetite.  
Maltby: How the hell is that a super power? Don't most super powers have something to do with helping out our fellow man?  
Hull: Well, my voracious libido would help out our fellow woman. (Grin. Wink wink.)  
Draper: God, that's bad.  
Dom: (Thinks to himself.) I all ready have a Slinky for a spine. What more super powers could I possibly want?  
Fischer: The power to bring the dead back to life?  
Dom: Oooh...   
-Inside Dom's mind-  
Dom: I command thee to rise from the dead, Georges Vezina!  
Vezina: (Rises from grave.) Rawr! GIVE ME BACK MY TROPHY! ARGH! I VANT YOUR BLOOOOOOOOD! (Grabs Dom's neck and begins to strangle him.)  
-The end-  
Dom: Scary.   
Dandenault: Dude, I'd so love to have the power to raise the dead! I could have a tea party with Dinah Shore, Malcolm X, Lord Stanley of Preston and Captain Kangaroo!  
Maltby: Dandy, Captain Kangaroo isn't dead. He just retired.  
Dandenault: Oh... Well... I still want the power to raise the dead!  
Fischer: I choose the power to talk to animals! (Jumps up on sofa, eating popcorn.)  
Dom: You getting popcorn in my crack!  
All: (Look at him oddly.)  
Dom: The crack in the sofa.  
Slegr: I will be the Human Fly! Now I can put my colored underwear to use! (Pulls off red underwear and puts them on over his jeans.) I spent five weeks dying all my underwear red. I am finally glad they can come of use to me.  
Hull: I'm tinfoil man. (Covered in tinfoil.)  
McCarty: HULL! You used up all my Reynolds Wrap!  
Yzerman: Um, you know you can't actually choose your power. You have to be born with it, and I highly doubt Fishy can talk to animals.  
Fischer: (Looks at Dom's poodle Fritzy.) Woof woof grrrr. *Who does this asshole think he is, Fritzy?*  
Fritzy: Woof. *I don't know. Let me sniff his crotch and I'll get back to you.*  
Fischer: Woof arrrooo. *You do that, Fritzy.*  
Yzerman: (Blink.) Um... Okay...  
-Enter Shanny, with the pregnant missus-  
Shanny: Hey guys, sorry we're late. Cathy wanted a pickle, peanut butter, American cheese, potato chip, jelly, sour cream and pineapple sandwich for lunch, so I had to stop by a Mr. Pita and show them how to make one. (Takes off jacket.)  
Cathy: They left out the sour cream! Take it back, Brendan! (Throws sandwich down in disgust.) I can't eat this rubbish!  
McCarty: Hey, Cathy, the wife can make you a peanut butter and jelly sand -   
Cathy: No no no no! It has to be pickle, peanut butter, American cheese, potato chip, jelly, sour cream and pineapple!   
Draper: Hey Shan, we're picking super powers. Which one do you want? I want to be Stretch Armstrong.  
Shanny: Super powers? Are you watching Power Puff Girls again, Drapes?  
Draper: No, if we had super powers, what super powers would we, theoretically, have?  
Shanny: (Scratches head.) This is what you guys do on your Saturday off-season mornings?  
Devereaux: Like, yeah.   
Shanny: You guys need wives.  
Devereaux: Like, duh. Try telling her that.  
Larionov: I have wife.   
Duchesne: I have a wife too.  
Maltby: I've got a fiancée and a girlfriend!  
Hull: I have a mail-order bride on order from Kazakhstan. Should be here in a matter of days. (Checks watch.)  
Shanny: Isn't that illegal now?  
Hull: I guess not.   
Cathy: (From kitchen.) BRENDAN! I WANT ICE CREAM!  
Shanny: (Sighs.) What kind of ice cream, honey angel sweetheart dear?  
Cathy: PICKLE!  
Shanny: (Cringes.) Pickle ice cream?!  
Cathy: That's right, pickle ice cream!  
Shanny: (Grabs coat.) I'll be back later. (Leaves.)  
Devereaux: Poor guy, having two at once... (Shakes head.) You really have to feel for him.  
Yzerman: Try having three! Try having three sniveling brats to feed!  
Chelios: You think you got it bad! Try four! I tried to trade the youngest for a new rider mower, but the wife found out. I was this close to a rider mower, this close. (Pinches thumb and forefinger together.)  
Datsyuk: (Smiles at Jiri Fischer.) *I have five wives and an illegal racketeering business back in Russia, you fools. You will all be my bitches one day.*  
Fischer: That's nice, Pavel. (Smiles vacantly.)  
Datsyuk: *One day, my evil minion. One day your asses will all be mine...* (Rubs hands together and smiles.)  
Hull: That's the spirit, Pavs. (Ruffles his hair.)  
Datsyuk: *You touch my hair again, I'll jam my thumb and forefinger up your anus.>*  
Hull: (Tries to ruffle his hair again, but Fedorov looks him off.)  
Fedorov: Don't do it, Hully... If you understood Russian, you wouldn't touch his hair. Us Russians are very vain when it comes to our hair.  
Hull: Why? I do it to you all the time, Freds. (Tries to touch Pavel's hair.)  
Pavel: (Shrieks.) NO TOUCH MY HAIR!  
Lidström: Isn't that cute? He's learning from Freds already! (Chuckles.)  
Fedorov: (Sighs, rolls eyes.) Fine, touch his hair. Then come crying back to me and see if I give a damn. Sooka. (Folds arms across chest.)  
-Hull proceeds to run after Datsyuk-  
Kuznetsov: (To Sergei.) *Too bad he doesn't know Pavel is deceptively strong.*  
Fedorov: *And deceptively evile.*  
Larionov: *He has all those poor dolts fooled... They'll rue the day they messed with a Russian's hair.*  
Hull: (Off in the distance.) AAAAAAAH!  
Larionov: *Poor fool.* (Shakes head.) Who wants iced tea?


	51. The One With the Retirement Party

-In Dom's backyard-  
Shanny: He is so gonna be surprised when he comes home and sees all the colorful paper streamers I made! (Squeals.)  
Stevie: I'm not sure this was such a good idea. (Looks around. Avery is drinking from the punch bowl and Duchesne is eating Poochie's dog biscuits.)   
Shanny: Nuts to that, you party pooper! I stayed up all night making streamers out of old copies of the Detroit News' sports section! (Grins.)  
Stevie: You really need a life, Bren.  
Shanny: (Face falls.) I know.  
-Enter Chelios and Fedorov-  
Chelios: If you don't stop fussing, it's going to swell.  
Fedorov: (Scratches himself.) I don't care! I itch!  
Chelios: You act like you've never gotten infected by poison ivy, you lily-white pansy.  
Fedorov: (Defensively.) I'm not lily-white! (Pause, thinks.) OR a pansy! (Scratches self on ass.)  
Chelios: As long as you believe that, Francis.  
Shanny: What happened to him? (Motions to Sergei with his thumb.)  
Chelios: He rolled his Boxster over in a patch of poison ivy on the way here. Luckily for me, I have natural histamines in my skin. (Grins.)  
Fedorov: Ahna will never want to touch me now! (Pouts.) I'm so red and puffy!  
-Enter Lidström-  
Lidström: (Pushing Norris in baby carriage.) Hi all.  
Chelios: Nick, why's the Norris in a baby carriage?  
Lidström: Hush you. He's still napping. (Presses index finger to lips.)  
Chelios: (Shrugs.) Okaaay.  
Lidström: He can pick up on sarcasm. (Frowns.)  
Chelios: Okaaaay.  
Lidström: I warned you! (Points, stomps foot.)  
Fischer: I think Nick is taking this Norris thing to the extreme.  
Chelios: Goochie goochie goo! (Tickles Norris.) I think he's ticklish! (Rolls eyes. Norris falls out of baby carriage and lands on Chelios's foot.) OWWWW! How'd he do that?! (Inches away.)  
Lidström: He can pick up on evil already. (Grins.)   
Chelios: (Rubs foot and glares.)  
Fischer: Sean! Stop eating my weiners!  
Avery: (Chokespluttergasp.) What?!  
Fischer: You're eating all my cocktail weiners! Wait until the honored guest has arrived! (Points.)  
Avery: Ohhh... (Giggles nervously.)  
Kohn: Hush all! Get into your surprise positions! Someone's coming!   
-Everyone gets into position... Enter honored guest...-  
All: (Jump out.) SURPRISE!  
Hull: (Clutches heart and falls to knees.) Heart...stop... (Pounds chest.)  
Chelios: Where's Dom?  
Hull: He's...laaate... (Falls over.)  
Devereaux: (Pokes Hull with toe of shoe.) Um, guys?  
Maltby: Don't worry about him! He'll be fine! (Rolls Hull under table cloth.)  
Fischer: Clear the way! I brought my defibrillators!  
Larionov: Where'd you get those, Fischy?  
Fischer: Don't tell anyone, but I stole them from the set of ER. (Puts them on Brett's chest. Nothing happens.) I'm sorry folks. I have to declare him. (Checks watch.)  
Stevie: Fisch, you aren't qualified to be a doctor. You have to go through eight years of college and one year of residency.  
Fischer: I got my degree from http://www.souwannabeadoctor.com. (Whips out a piece of paper and unfolds it.)  
Stevie: (Rolls eyes.)  
Hull: (Sits up and rubs forehead.) Whoa, what happened?  
Fischer: The living undead! (Squeals.)  
All: (Roll eyes.)  
Kohn: (Scampers from window.) This time it's really Dom! Assume your positions!  
All: (Get into position.)  
Dom: (Comes into backyard.)   
All: SURPRISE! (Jump out at him.)  
Dom: AAAAAAAAAAIE!!!!!!!!! (Gasps for breath.) Are you trying to kill me?!  
Chelios: That depen - (Stevie smacks him in the shoulder.)  
Dom: What is this?  
Robitaille: It's a retirement party!  
Bowman: We're presenting you with the traditional Rolex. (Thrusts box into his hands.) See you later, you stooges. (Leaves.)  
Fischer: Pirates! (Points.)  
Wallin: Pirates, Jiri?  
Fischer: (Points, Wallin looks.)  
Wallin: Oh my God, our retirement party is being taken over by swarthy, swashbuckling pirates! YAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!! (Shrieks and runs off.)  
-Enter Olausson, Slegr, and McCarty dressed in pirate costumes-  
Olausson: Do you have a little captain in ya? (Drinks Captain Morgan's.)  
Stevie: You scared away Wallin.  
Olausson: Aye, matey. (Strokes beard.)  
Stevie: Why are you three dressed up like pirates, anyway?  
McCarty: Isn't this a costume party? Drapes said it was a costume pa - (Pauses.) KRIS!!!! (Runs after Draper, who's giggling evilly.)  
Shanny: (Walks up to Dom.) Hey Dom, I made you a going-away present.  
Dom: What is this little trinket? (Picks up wrapped box, jiggles it.)  
Shanny: I made it.  
Dom: (Opens present.) Oh... Um... How nice. (Pulls out a pair of poorly knitted socks, one with eleven toes and another with giant holes.)  
Shanny: I'm learning for when Cathy has the twins. Whaddaya think? (Grins.)  
Dom: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but damn, these are the ugliest socks I've ever seen. (Throws them back into box.)  
Stevie: You could at least be grateful, Dom.  
Dom: I'm rich. I don't have to be grateful.  
Fischer: (Face falls.)  
Dandenault: Don't cry, Fishy. (Comforts him.)  
Dom: Haha, made you cry! (Kicks box of socks.) I'm outta here, losers. (Runs off.)  
-After a few minutes of uncomfortale silence, finally...-  
Stevie: Um, wasn't the stripper supposed to jump out of the giant cake?  
Duchesne: I dunno... Lemme check. (Walks over to giant cake and opens top.) Hello in dere?  
Dandenault: Why do I have a bad feeling about this?  
Robitaille: Never leave it to Duke to buy strippers.  
Duchesne: Uh, Fisch, I could use your paddley thingies...  
Shanahan: Oh Cripes, not another dead prostitute! I'm outta here! (Runs off shrieking.)  
Stevie: (Swallows hard.) Uh oh...


	52. The One With CuJo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zetterberg's first appearance!

-At the Joe Louis Arena, during CuJo’s press conference-  
Legace: You know, this really sticks in my craw.  
Chelios: Your what?  
Legace: First, it’s Iron Mike, then it’s the Wizard of Oz, then it’s the Dominator, and now it’s CuJo! (Frowns.) He’s named after a friggin’ rabid dog for crying out loud! What an outrage!  
Devereaux: Jealous much, Manny?  
Legace: Maybe if I had a badass nickname, they’d make me the number one goalie! Why didn’t I think of this before?! (Slaps self on forehead.)  
Lidström: Maybe because it’s a stupid idea?  
Legace: It makes perfect sense, Nicky.  
Lidström: Don’t call me Nicky.  
Legace: I mean, everyone on this team has a kickass nickname but me! (Points to Chelios.) The Junkyard Dog! (Points to Devereaux.) The Annihilator! (Points to Lidström.) The Masked Swede!  
Devereaux: Since when am I the Annihilator? (Scratches head.) I thought I was Floyd.  
Legace: (Points to Holmström.) Demolition Man! (Points to Duchesne.) Duke! (Points to Robitaille.) Lucky! (Points to Hull.) Fanged Avenger! Why not me?  
Fischer: I don’t have a manly nickname.  
Legace: (Snorts.) For obvious reasons... Anyway... I want a kickass, manly man nickname!  
Olausson: Mmm Dark Destroyer, the destroyer of men’s souls?  
Legace: Didn’t you leave?  
Olausson: (Thinks.) Um... (Runs off.)  
Duchesne: Thuper Thexy Goalie?  
Legace: No thanks. It has to strike fear in the hears of the opposing team’s forwards. (Pumps fist in air.)  
Larionov: (Scratches chin.) Manimal?  
Legace: No. That is the worst nickname I have ever heard. Next.  
Stevie: Legs, as in Legace? Get it? (Chuckles, realizes no one else’s laughing along and trails off.)  
Legace: Enticing, but no. It needs to be manly.  
Draper: Isn’t your nickname Ferret?  
Legace: (Cringes.) Uh, no.  
Fischer: Oooh a butterfly. (Runs off chasing a giant white moth.)  
Legace: He’s not too bright, is he?  
Wallin: Hey! He’s my best friend!  
Chelios: No accounting for taste, eh?  
Wallin: Hey!  
Maltby: Hell, this nickname shit is too hard for me to comprehend. I give up. Let’s go chuck rocks at cars from the overpass.  
Draper: Good idea.  
McCarty: You’re only saying that ‘cuz you think Kirk’s cute.  
Draper: (Defensively.) Am not!  
McCarty: Are too!  
Draper: Am not!  
McCarty: Are too!  
Draper: Am not!  
McCarty: Are too!  
Draper: Am not!  
McCarty: Am not!  
Draper: Are t - d’oh! (Slaps self on side of head.)  
Zetterberg: Good going, McCarty. (Slaps Darren on the back.)  
McCarty: Who the hell are you?  
Zetterberg: A rookie.  
McCarty: Prepare to be initiated, rook. (Grins menacingly and cracks knuckles. Zetterberg runs off.)  
Stevie: Way to welcome the rookies to the team, Darren.  
McCarty: I try my best. (Smiles.)  
Williams: What about the Maneater? (To Legace.)  
Legace: That just sounds...gay.  
Maltby: Hey! (Pause.) Uh. Yeah... Nevermind.  
Wallin: Look, guys! I swiped a bottle of Larionov’s wine! (Giggles.)  
Hull: Are you drunk, Wally?  
Wallin: Yo. (Gigges.) That’s "yes" and "no" rolled into one word, get it? I invented that word. Hee, I is so smarted. (Drinks from bottle and belches.)  
Hull: (Rolls eyes.) Damn rookie.  
Avery: (Chugs wine.) Fishy, you’re my fishwife! (Grins.)  
Fischer: (Blushes and curtsies.)  
Stevie: GIVE me that wine! (Tries to take it, but Wallin ducks.)  
Wallin: No, Inspector Gadget, you’re not taking my wine! (Runs away from Stevie.)  
Stevie: WALLIN! Do you want Evil Stevie to unleash a can of whoopass on you? (Wallin shakes head.) Then give me the damn wine.  
Wallin: Okay. (Pouts, hands it over to Stevie.)  
Stevie: Okay, now what were we doing before the rookies got into Larionov’s wine supply?  
Legace: We were thinking up manly man nicknames for me.  
Avery: We were trying to help Sean get laid.  
Fischer: We were trying to invent an edible Speedo.  
Holmström: We were trying to invent a time machine so that we can go back in time and steal the Hindenberg.  
Lidström: (Shrilly.) We were not! We were admiring my shiny Norris!  
Stevie: I’m sorry I asked.  
Shanny: And how. (Eaten by a runaway circus bear in a tutu and roller skates.)


	53. The One About Hoagies, Subs and Knees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things you'll find herein: philosophical discussion of the WWE, sexist language, and talk of death by 7ft sub sandwich.

-The Grind Line is sitting around Darren McCarty’s house reading porn and watching wrestling on TV-  
McCarty: (Yawn.) I’m bored  
Maltby: Let’s go to WWF Smackdown.  
Draper: I have a good idea! Let’s change Kienan’s diaper while Kris watches the rest of Smackdown!  
Maltby: Ew, let’s not. I am not touching a baby’s butt. I’d feel like such a pedophile.  
Draper: Kirk -  
McCarty: I’m sorry, but neither of those ideas strikes my fancy. You’ll have to do better than that.  
Maltby: Dye our underwear pink and play WWE Wrestlers?  
Draper: Again?! The last time, I had to be Hollywood Hulk Hogan! I am so not wearing a feather boa again! It made me break out in hives!  
Maltby: Well, you guys made me be Edge! But I don’t like Edge! I so wanted to be Chris Jericho! (Pouts.)  
McCarty: Will you two sissies please stop bitching over the men in the girly Speedos, for one second?  
Maltby/Draper: He-e-ey!  
Draper: Wrestling is a very taxing sport, my friend.  
McCarty: It so is not a sport! It’s just a bunch of thick-necked goons hitting each other with metal objects!  
Maltby: It so is not! There’s a lot of skill involved in wrestling!  
McCarty: Name one useful skill that could be used in everyday life, that you’ve seen on Smackdown.  
Maltby: (Thinks.) I tried to pile drive the old lady who had more than twelve items in her cart at my Kroeger’s last week.  
McCarty: (Rolls eyes.) Good try, Kirk.  
Draper: It’s entertaining.  
McCarty: What could one possibly find entertaining about that joke-of-a-sport? (Scoffs.) I mean, can’t you see how gay it is?  
Draper: What’s so gay about strong men kicking other strong men’s butts? (Scratches head.)  
Maltby: (Puts arm around Draper’s shoulders and speaks to him like he’s a child.) You know, Kris, there is something vaguely homoerotic about the sport of wrestling.  
Draper: How so?  
Maltby: Men in skimpy Speedos grabbing other men and shoving their heads between their legs? Men slamming other men into the mat and sitting on their faces? A half-naked, sweaty man writhing in the ring with another oiled, half-nude man doesn’t strike you as, you know, a little bit gay?  
Draper: Now that you mention it... I actually never thought about it like that before.  
Maltby: And now you do.  
Draper: Thanks for the insight, Kirk.  
Maltby: You’re welcome.  
Draper: I was being sarcastic.  
Maltby: I know. (Grins obliviously.)  
McCarty: It’s no use, Kris. He only hears what he wants to hear.  
Maltby: You’re taking Kirk to the fair?  
McCarty: What?  
Maltby: I have a nice butt?  
Draper: Shut up. This is a ridiculous waste of a conversation.  
Maltby: Duuuuude, we’re gonna live in a space station?! (Giggles giddily.)  
Draper: Forget I said anything. (Rolls eyes.)  
McCarty: I’m getting hungry. How ‘bout we take my BMW to pick up some fast food?  
Draper: Why would you take your sportscar to pick up fast food, Darren?  
McCarty: To impress the chicks. Why else?  
Maltby: As a bank robbery getaway car, Kris. (Snorts and shakes his head, as if Kris should have known.)  
Draper: Oookaaaay.  
-Meanwhile, in Ontario, in a discreet location...-  
Shanny: (Holding Stevie’s hand as he comes out of his anesthesia.) OH MY GOD?!?!?!?! WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOUR FACE?!!? YOUR BEAUTIFUL FACE?!!?!? (Hysterical.)  
Stevie: They operated on my knee. (Groggy.)  
Shanny: Oh, well... You didn’t have to tell me, Steve-o. I was, uh, testing you to see if you had completely recovered from your anesthesia.  
Stevie: Sure, Lisa  
Shanny: I’m Brendan.  
Stevie: Riiight. Does Lisa have five o’clock shadow?  
Shanny: What?  
Stevie: NURSE! THIS MAN IS MOLESTING MY INNER CHILD!!!  
Shanny: WHAT?!  
-Meanwhile, at Subways-  
Draper: (Points.) Look, there’s Jared.  
McCarty: (Slaps down his hand.) Don’t point, Kris. It’s rude.  
Maltby: (Whistles and hoots.) Hey Jared, you might be thin, but you look like a horse!  
McCarty: I don’t think that’s Jared anyway, guys...  
-They exit the Subways-  
Draper: That so was not worth it, Darren. (Nursing a black eye.)  
McCarty: Well, I didn’t tell you to go up to the Jared guy and ask him if his mother was Gladys the Groovy Mule.  
Draper: You did so!  
Maltby: He’s right, Mac.  
McCarty: Shut up, you fools. The pertinent question at hand is figuring out how I’m going to fit this longass hoagie into my sportscar.  
Draper: You shoulda thought about that before you bought it.  
McCarty: It’s your job to warn me about these potentially hazardous situations before I get into them, Drapes.  
Draper: What am I, your keeper?  
Maltby: Coughyescough.  
Draper: Shut up before I shove my foot up your ass!  
McCarty: (Stares at 7-ft long sub.) Damn, I’m going to have to buckle this into the front seat.  
Maltby: But I was sitting in the front seat!  
McCarty: You can sit in the back with Draper.  
Draper: There are no back seats, Darren. I’m basically wedged between your seat and the convertible hood.  
McCarty: Then I’m going to have to eat this thing down to a compatible size, so I can fit it into the car.  
Maltby: Yes, that’s a good idea. Eat the seven foot long sub. All by yourself.  
Draper: (Whispering into Kirk’s ear.) Are you sure that’s such a good idea?  
Maltby: I bet he chokes to death halfway to his house.  
Draper: Double or nothing.  
McCarty: Are you two taking bets on my chances of survival?  
Maltby: (Shiftily.) No.  
Draper: Why would you think that?  
Maltby: (Whispers.) If he dies, I get his collection of WWE Velocity tapes and his feather boas.  
Draper: And I get his autographed nude picture of Lita.  
Maltby: You actually want a picture of that eyesore?  
Draper: Well... (Blushes.)  
Maltby: She looks more like a horse than Jared does, Kris.  
Draper: Uh, it’s for Julie... She’s a big fan.  
Maltby: Suuure.  
McCarty: (Mouth full of sub.) Are you guys going to help me out or not?  
Maltby: We’re in the middle of something, Darren. (Glaring at Kris.)  
Draper: Yeah, Dare, we’re in the middle of something... (Glaring at Kirk.)  
McCarty: (Frowns.) Um... I don’t feel so good...  
Maltby: Serves you right.  
Draper: I hope you choke on that delicious, mouth-watering meatball sub... (Drools.)  
-Meanwhile...-  
Stevie: Mommy?  
Shanny: No, it’s me, Brendan.  
Stevie: Brenda?  
Shanny: Brendan. (To doctor.) Doctor, shouldn’t the anesthesia be wearing off by now?  
Dr. Nobody: (Checking chart.) Oh, uh, I dunno. (Shrug.) You’ll have to ask the anesthesiologist.  
Shanny: You made up that word. (Accusingly. Takes Stevie’s hand in his.) It’ll be okay, Steve. We’ll break you out of this joint.  
Stevie: Hmph, okay. (Yawns.) Ooh, Bosom Buddies is on TV! AND I get free Jell-O! (Giggles and claps hands.) I never ever wanna leave! (Clicks button on bed.)  
Shanny: Don’t you want to get back to Detroit as soon as possible so you can start your rehab?  
Stevie: Screw Detroit! I’m staying right here in Ontario!  
Shanny: Uh oh.  
Dr. Nobody: Da da DUNNNNN!  
Shanny: Who the hell are you?  
Dr. Nobody: Oh, uh, sorry. (Leaves.)


	54. The One About Clowns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The worst thing about this chapter is Stevie deciding to rewrite Romeo and Juliet with a happy ending.

-In Shanahan’s den, watching TV-  
Fischer: (Sniffling. Blows nose.) Oh gosh, this is so sad. (Sobs.) What’s it called?  
Shanny: (Rolls eyes.) One Life to Live.  
Fischer: (Blows nose on Hull.) Turn it to something else! (Sobs.)  
Fedorov: Do it, Bren! Before he drowns us all!  
Shanny: Okay, okay! I’ll change it to the Classic Movie Channel. (Sighs, changes channel.)  
TV: Go, get thee hence, for I will not away. What’s here? A cup, closed in my true love’s hand?  
Fischer: (Sniffs.) Leave it on this.  
Larionov: Shanny, change it. If Jiri sobbed at a stupid soap opera, he’ll really turn on the water works for this one.  
Fischer: What’s it called? (Riveted to TV set.)  
TV: Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end. Oh churl! Drunk all and left no friendly drop to help me after? I will kiss thy lips; haply some poison yet doth hang on them, to make me die with a restorative.  
Fischer: Ooh, what’s she gonna do?   
Shanny: (Shares worried look with Larionov.)  
TV: Thy lips are warm. Yea noise? Then I’ll be brief. Oh happy dagger! This is thy sheath. There rust and let me die!  
Fischer: NOOOOOOOooooooo... (Trails off.)  
Larionov: I told you. (Accusingly, to Shanny.)  
Fischer: She stabbed herself! (Sniffle.)  
Yzerman: Haven’t you seen Romeo and Juliet before, Fishy?  
Fischer: N-no... (Wipes nose on t-shirt and sniffles.) She killed hers -  
Slegr: I have an idea!  
Yzerman: Shoot, Jiri 2.  
Slegr: (Pause.) Why don’t we put on our own production of Romeo and Juliet and give it a happy ending for Fishy!  
Yzerman: You can’t rewrite the classics!  
Slegr: Why not?  
Yzerman: Well, for one, it defeats the purpose of the whole "star cross’d lovers" theme, and secondly -   
Fischer: I think I like Jiri 2’s idea! Let’s rewrite the classics!  
Fedorov: Rewrite the classics! Rewrite the classics! (Pumps fist in air.)  
Yzerman: Oh goodie. (Rolls eyes.)  
Shanahan: (Giddy.) This could be fun!  
Duchesne: I wanna be Printhe Charming!  
Yzerman: That’s Cinderella, Duke.  
Duchesne: Well... I’ll be the nurthe! (Pulls out a stethoscope and puts arm around Chelios.) Want me to take your temperature?  
Chelios: Removeth your hand from my shoulder, dirty knave. (Glares at Duchesne.)  
Duchesne: (Pout.)  
Hull: Pass the popcorn. (Disinterested.)  
Fedorov: Do we really have to do this? I want to call Anna and see how she’s doing in Florida, with her manfriend Enrique Iglesias.  
Hull: (Snorts.) Manfriend? Damn are you dense, Freds. Didn’t you see her sucking face with the Moled One at the VMAs?  
Fedorov: (Sniff.) You’re just trying to be mean.  
Hull: Who, me?  
Fedorov: Yes you!  
Hull: I’m wounded by your accusation, Freds! (Pause.) Oh, this is where the fruity Romeo guy gets it. (Munch munch munch.)  
Fischer: WAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!! (Sobs.)  
Yzerman: (Sigh.)  
Shanahan: (In the midst of telling a scary story, holding a flashlight under his face.)And there he was, the most hideous sight I’ve ever seen! (Growls.)  
All: AH!!!!!!!  
-Dead silence, and then...-  
Dom: (Pause.) Who was there?  
Draper: Come on, Dom. (Rolls eyes at Dom.)  
Shanahan: The ax-wielding psycho, weren’t you even paying attention? (Annoyed.)  
Dom: No. After you got lost in the haunted mansion, I got bored and started thinking about bears in pink tutus riding around on unicycles. (Starts humming circus song.)  
Shanahan: Dom, the story was about an escaped mental patient. (Snorts.)  
Dom: Oh.  
Yzerman: (Intervenes.) Ok, guys. (Claps hands.) Who wants hot cocoa?   
Dom: (Raises hand.) Me!  
Fischer: Me!  
Kohn: Me!  
Yzerman: Ok, I’ll cook up a pot of hot cocoa and then we can start on Romeo and Juliet! (Squeals and runs off.)  
Shanahan: While Stevie’s out making hot cocoa, let’s talk. (Rubs hands together.)  
Dandy: About what, Shan?  
Shanahan: Oh, I dunno... The thing that scares us the most?  
Fedorov: (Haughtily.) I’m not afraid of anything.  
Lidström: Cockroaches, I’m afraid of cockroaches. (Shudders.) As part of a rookie initiation, Brad McCrimmon stuck one of those horrid things in my pregame meal and I ate it... (Shudders.)  
Duchesne: I’m afraid of nunth.  
Maltby: Personally, I’m afraid of committment. That’s why I’m 28 and still single. (Pause. Nod.)  
Draper: I’ve always been afraid of bears.  
Maltby: (Points.) Oh, a bear! (Snickers meanly.)  
Draper: SO not funny, Malts.  
Datsyuk: *You should all tremble in fear before me!*  
Robitaille: Mine tops all of your guyses fears...  
Larionov: The fear of failure? (Sagely.)  
Fedorov: Stink bugs?  
Maltby: Women?  
Robitaille: No... (Dramatic pause.)  
Legace: (Squeals.) Ooh, ooh, kitties!  
Robitaille: NO!   
Shanahan: (Curses under breath and shooes away pet cat.)  
Robitaille: ...clowns.  
-Dead silence, and then...-  
McCarty: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! CLOWNS?!  
Duchesne: Tehehe!!!  
Datsyuk: *Luc Robitaille is a pansy.*  
Robitaille: Don’t laugh at me! (Stomps feet angrily.) Clowns are SCARY!  
Draper: This makes me feel so much better about myself. (Snickers.)  
Robitialle: (Pouts.) It all started on my tenth birthday...  
-Cue flashbacky music-  
Robitaille: (Waggles fingers in air.)  
-Flashback time-  
Mrs. Robitaille: (Wakes Luc up and puts a birthday hat on him.) Happy birthday, Luc!  
Mr. Robitaille: Close your eyes, Luc! I’ve got a surprise for you!  
Robitaille: (Closes eyes.) Ok, Daddy!  
-Clown jumps in through Luc’s bedroom window and honks nose-  
Clown: Honka honka! Happy birthday, little boy! (Lurches toward Luc.)  
Robitaille: (Takes one look at clown and begins shrieking.) AIE! AIE! AIE! (Runs up to him and shoves him out of his 2nd story bedroom window.)  
Mr. Robitaille: Oh dear.  
Mrs. Robitaille: (Peers out window and faints.)  
-End flashback-  
Duchesne: (Speechless. Blinks, and then...) You murdered a clown?  
Robitaille: I was only ten! And plus, I was scared!  
Fedorov: That’s no excuse for homicide.  
Dandy: You heartless monster. (Looks on in disgust.)  
Fischer: You disgust me. (Moves closer to Duchesne, who is choking on a hairball. How he swallowed it we’ll never know. NEVER.)  
-Enter Stevie Y. with the hot cocoa-  
Yzerman: Okay, guys, who’s up for a little Shakespeare?! (Giddily.)  
Draper: Oh, shove it up your ass, Little Orphan Annie! (Glares at Maltby.)  
Yzerman: (Confused. Fedorov and Hull are wrestling one another, and Robitaille and Duchesne are giving one another titty twisters.) Bren, what happened while I was gone?  
Shanahan: Robitaille’s a murderer, and Duchesne’s having sexual identity issues. The usual.   
Yzerman: (Pause.) Oh... (Trails off, inches away from Duchesne and Robitaille.)


	55. The One With World War III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Asterisks mean foreign language being spoken here.

-At Dom’s poolside-  
Dom: (On cel phone. Babbling something about Hasek Hot Sauce in Czech.) Blah blah blabbity blah -  
-Enter the team-  
Avery: (Bouncing beach ball in his hands.) Pool party!  
Maltby: (Heaves a keg.) KEGGER!  
Dom: *Uh, I gotta go.* (Jumps out of lawn chair.) What are you guys doing here?  
Williams: We’re taking advantage of the facilities. (Removes shirt.)  
Hull: Where’s your bathroom? (Squirms.)  
Dom: Oh, by the picture of you with your foot in the crease.  
Hull: Thanks. (Runs off. Runs back in.) It was not! (Runs off again.)  
Yzerman: Lisa made four bean salad. (Hands Dom a Tupperware container.)  
Luc: Stacia made a bunt cake.  
Dom: BUTT cake? That sounds awful!  
Luc: No Dom, BUNT cake.  
Dom: Oh. (Accepts it warily.)  
Boyd: (Removes t-shirt.) Does anyone have Sunscreen 55?  
Chelios: DAMN, you’re pasty, boy!  
Boyd: (Hangs head.) I know.  
Chelios: (Proudly. Puffs out chest.) I’m tan all year round.  
Avery: (Jumps into pool.) MY EYES BURN!!!!! THEY BURN!!!!!  
Dom: I just put Shock into the pool.  
Avery: (Out of pool.) I’ve got a rash now!  
Williams: Ooh, Chode’s all lumpy.  
Avery: My testes are getting hives.  
Stevie: I could’ve gone my entire life without hearing that.  
Avery: (Scratches crotch.)  
Hull: You could always adopt.  
Dom: (Chases Datsyuk out of his kitchen.) You stay out of my kitchen.  
Datsyuk: Me no speaka English. (To Larionov.) *I pissed in the tea pitcher.*  
Larionov: *You are terrible.* (To Dom.) You really should try the tea. (Grin.)  
Dom: Don’t mind if I do! (Runs off.)  
Slegr: Who stole my pink Speedo?  
Hull: We don’t need to be seeing you in a Speedo, Jiri 2.  
Fischer: What about me?  
Hull: Uh no.  
Duchesne: (Smiles sweetly.) Me?  
Hull: (Shudders.) No. (Shudders.)  
Shanny: Me?  
Hull: We’ll talk.  
-Reenter Dom-  
Dom: (Under breath to Fischer.) *I pissed in the coffee pot.* Coffee everyone! *Those Russians think they can outfox the fox? BAH! I think not!* (Cackle.)  
Fischer: *You devil, you... I like it...*  
Slegr: *Oh my God, I drank that coffee!* (Wretches in bushes.)  
Fleischmann: *I spat in the flower pots.*  
Fischer: (Pats him on the arm.) *Not quite the same thing, Tomas.*  
Hasek: *We’ll outsmart those crafty bastards yet...*  
-Meanwhile-  
Fedorov: *We need to devise a foolproof plan to defeat the Czechs at their own game.*  
Kuznetsov: *Kidnap Dom’s poodle?*  
Fedorov: *Nah, something worse, much worse.*  
Kuznetsov: (Pause, thinks.) *His children?*  
Maltby: (Walks over.) What are you crazy kids up to? (Grins.)  
Larionov: Never you mind. (Grins.)  
Fedorov: Just plotting, er, planning a surprise for Dom. (Snicker.)  
Maltby: What sort of surprise? I like surprises.  
Larionov: You’re not invited.  
Fedorov: Be gone with you, peasant. (Waves him off haughtily.)  
Duchesne: (To Robitaille and Dandenault.) *I think the Russians are up to no good.*  
Robitaille: *Why do you say that, Duke?*  
Duchesne: *Someone urintated in the tea pitcher. I think it was that loose cannon Datsyuk. He pretends not to speak English but I know it’s just a ruse.*  
Luc: *What do you have in mind, fearless leader?*  
Duchesne: *The ultimate revenge: titty twisters.*  
Beaulieu: *You idiot! That won’t work!*  
Duchesne: *Of course it will work, Ollie!*  
Beaulieu: *Don’t call me Ollie if you want to live.*  
Senez: (To others.) *Why are you guys listening to this tool?*  
Dandenault: *I don’t know... Why are we listening to him, Luc?*  
Luc: Uh... (Thinks.)  
Senez: *Just what I thought...*  
Duchesne: Tsk tsk... Rookies... (Scoffs.)  
-Meanwhile-  
Dom: You little creep! You ruined my scones! (Pouts.)  
Datsyuk: I not know what that nut saying. (Looks at Larionov.) *I will prevail!*  
Dom: (Points at Datsyuk.) He’s evil! Evil, I say! (Points at Pavel, stomps foot.)  
Shanahan: (Puts arm around Dom.) Come on, Dom, let’s go have a biscotti. (Leads an angry Dom off.)  
Datsyuk: (To Larionov.) *I have him right where I want him, Iggy.*  
Larionov: *I can’t wait, Pavel.*  
Holmström: (To Lidström.) *You speak Russian, Czech and French, right Nick?*  
Lidström: (Nods.)  
Holmström: *What are they talking about?*  
Lidström: *Oh, something about pissing in tea pitchers, spitting in flower pots. And titty twisters.*  
Zetterberg: *Oh... That’s what you guys do in the NHL?*  
Lidström: *We also dress in goat’s hides and and beads and dance under the full moon.*  
Zetterberg: (Arches eyebrow.)  
Holmström: *And we sacrifice a virgin to the Hockey God before the opening game of the season.* (Snickers and cracks knuckles, grinning at Zetterberg.)  
Zetterberg: YIPE!  
Stevie: Homer, are you spooking the rookies?!  
Holmström: No... Just joshing around with ole Henrik here. (Puts arm around Zetterberg’s shoulders.)  
Zetterberg: (Inches away.)  
Stevie: Okay then... (Hobbles off.)  
Fedorov: Anna’s still a virgin! Let's sacrifice her instead!  
Avery: That’d make a good tabloid story. Along with the ‘Ku Klux Klan Skeletons Found in Titanic Life Ring’ story I saw the other day.


	56. The One With the Bobbleheads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for creepy Cujo. 
> 
> Stefan Liv was in this chapter. :(

-At training camp in Traverse City-  
McCarty: (Taking the rookies on a tour of the Center I.C.E arena.) And this is the gift shop. Here, we sell replica jerseys, sticks, posters, bumper stickers, magazines and these nifty dolls. (Picks up a bobblehead.)  
Zetterberg: You play with dolls?  
McCarty: Well, they’re not dolls, per se. They’re bobbleheads. (Bobs Maltby bobblehead and speaks in an affected voice.) Hewwo, I’m Maltby Bobblehead! (Raises old Osgood bobblehead.) Helloooo Malts! It is I, Ozzie -  
Shanny: Mac! How many times have we told you not to mess with the dolls!  
McCarty: I was just showing the rookies the gift shop.  
Meech: Ooooh, the Scotty bobblehead is wearing a little blue suit! (Giggles.)  
Senez: (Takes Stevie bobblehead and Shanny bobblehead.) Oh Shanny, I love you! (Makes bobbleheads kiss.)  
Meech: Hey Scotty, you like watching those bobbleheads macking out? (Scotty nods.) Scotty’s a perv!  
Chelios: (Rolls eyes.) Thanks a lot, Mac.  
Groulx: (Holds up Cujo bobblehead.) Hey, Stevie and Shanny! How about a threesome?!   
Cujo: NO! (Snatches away doll.) No one’s deflowering the Cujo doll!  
Koopmans: (Digging around in box of free stuff.) Ooh, a Red Wing toilet seat cover!  
-Meech and Senez are fencing with the bobbleheads-  
Senez: Take that and that and that, Scotty!  
Meech: You take that!  
Berggren: (Eating popcorn.) Go, François, go!  
Meech: (Glares at him.) Hey!  
Flippula: You guys know what’s more funner than watching two bobbleheads macking out?  
Meech/Senez: No, what?  
Flippula: Watching two chicks macking out.  
Senez: You perv!  
Chelios: That’s it, step away from the bobbles! (Rescues box of bobbleheads.) They’re mine!  
Kopecky: I‘m hungry.  
Ballantyne: I hafta pee.  
McCarty: How old are you guys, three?!  
Ballantyne: (Hangs head.) No.  
Elliott: (Eyes Joey MacDonald, Nick Pannoni, Drew MacIntyre, Stefan Liv, and Logan Koopmans suspiciously.) Who are you guys?  
MacDonald: I’m the goalie.  
MacIntyre: Me too.  
Koopmans: So am I.  
Liv: I a goalie.  
MacDonald: Me too.  
Pannoni: Me too.  
Elliott: If you guys are all goalies, where does that leave me?  
Lewis: (Coughs.) Come with me, Jason... (Leads him off.)  
Liv: (To Koopmans.) What are you eating?  
Koopmans: Little Cesar’s pizza.  
Liv: Pizza? What’s pizza?  
Koopmans: Geeze, you Swedes must not get out much.  
Lidström: Hey!  
Blatak: (Enters with straws sticking out of his nostrils and ears.) I am the straw monster! Fear my wrath! (Waves arms.)  
Lidström: (To Shanny.) These rookies are weirder than the regulars.  
Shanny: I wouldn’t necessarily agree with that stateme -  
Blatak: (In the background.) Uh oh... I can’t get the straws out...  
Hudler: So, where can I find Karen Newman’s phone number?  
Fischer: She’s married, you horndog.  
Hudler: That never stopped the Hudman.  
Fischer: I am ashamed to share a first name with you.  
Hudler: You only wish you were as cool as me. People call me the Hudman or the Hudster. What do they call you?  
Fischer: Fischy.  
Hudler: (Laughs.) That explains it.  
Fischer: Wanna speak up, rookie? (Raises fists.)  
Holmström: Jiri, cut that out.  
Hudler/Fischer: Huh? I wasn’t doing anything!  
Holmström: You’re both named Jiri?  
Hudler: Just call me the Hudster.  
Fischer: I don’t think I like him, Tomas.  
Holmström: Well, at least Slegr’s gone, so it’s just you two. (Leaves.)  
Hudler: (Puts arm around Fischer’s shoulder.) You should be afraid of me, so very afraid. (Cackle.)  
Fischer: HELP! (Runs off.)  
Shanny: Don’t mess with him, Hudster, he’s overly sensitive.  
Hudler: I noticed.  
Avery: You know, Jesse, we aren’t rookies anymore. You know what that means?  
Wallin: No, what does it mean?  
Avery: It means it’s our turn to initiate the rooks! (Rubs hands together.)  
Wallin: (Grins.) Mwahahahahaha!  
Hudler: (Looks worried.) I have a note from my doctor!  
-Wallin and Avery pounce on Hudler-  
Senez: There should be a François Senez bobble. (Bobs Chelios bobblehead.)  
Meech: Why? I’m hotter than you are.  
Senez: No you’re not.  
Van Leusen: What about me?  
Senez: Nope, sorry.   
-Enter Marc Lamothe-  
Lamothe: Hi, I’m the new goalie.  
-Liv, Koopmans, MacIntyre, MacDonald, and Pannoni share looks-  
MacIntyre: Um, we’re all goalies too...   
Lamothe: I’m the Grand Rapids Griffins goalie.  
MacDonald: I’m the Griffins goalie!  
Pannoni: Then where does that leave us?!  
Koopmans: (Glares at Lamothe and snarls.)   
Lamothe: (To Legace.) What’s his deal?  
Legace: You’re encroaching on his territory.  
Lamothe: What?  
Legace: You guys are all battling one another for spots with the Griffins.  
Cujo: You’re going to run an obstacle course and take an endurance test. (Hands Lamothe a loincloth.)  
Lamothe: What’s this for?  
Cujo: For the obstacle course, so I can check out your muscle tone. Undress. (Snaps fingers at Lamothe.) Chop chop.  
Legace: Don’t listen to him, he’s touched in the head. (Pats Cujo on the back.)  
Koopmans: There’s only two spots and there are - (counts off on hands and feet) - seven of us. I don’t like the odds.  
Legace: What about Jason Elliott?  
Cujo: Lewie fired him.  
Legace: Good, I never liked him.  
Draper: (Bobbles Fedorov and Anna Kournikova bobbles.) Ooooh Ahhhna, I looove you! Leave that ugly singer!!!! The friggin’ mole has more personality than he does!!! Come back to me, I can’t survive without you!  
Fedorov: Hey!!! (Pause.) Where’d you get the Anna doll?  
Draper: If I told you, I’d have to kill you.  
Fedorov: (Pause, thinks.) It’s worth it.  
Shanahan: What the hell would you do with an Anna doll anyway, Freds?  
Fedorov: Oh nothing. (Hides pins and needles behind his back. Whistles.)  
-Meanwhile, the goalies are arguing-  
Legace: I have an idea how to settle this goalie debate.   
Koopmans: Shoot, Ferret.  
Legace: Just for that, you’re the weakest link, goodbye.   
Koopmans: No fair!  
Legace: (Ignores Koopmans.) Okay, anyway, my idea is this: Why don’t we have a Red Wings goalie version of Survivor Island? The last one standing is the starting goalie for Grand Rapids.  
Pannoni: I like that idea.  
Cujo: Who gets to play Jeff Probst?  
Legace: Me, I guess, since I came up with the idea.  
Cujo: (Pouts.) I’m the starting goalie.  
Legace: (Under breath.) I will be, one day... Patience, patience, Manny. (Cackle.)  
Cujo: (Arches eyebrow.)   
Legace: Never you mind, Curtis. (Cackles and steeples hands under his chin.)


	57. The One With the Charity Golf Outing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a reference to cocaine.

-At a swanky golf course-  
McCarty: I don’t see why we have to do this stupid golf thing. (Sighs.)  
Draper: It’s for charity, Darren. Have a heart.  
McCarty: Charity, shmarity. I could be doing better things than whacking a golf ball a few feet.  
Maltby: Like whacking o - (Cujo slaps him on the back of the head.)  
Cujo: Hush, you!  
Zetterberg: I’m golfing with Koopa.  
Koopmans: Don’t call me Koopa.  
Zetterberg: (Giggles.) Hehe, Koopa Scoopa.  
Koopmans: I’m warning you, Zetterberg, don’t call me that!  
Zetterberg: (Taunts Koopmans.) Supa dupa Koopa scoopa -   
Koopmans: (Punches Zetterberg out. Flexes hand.)  
Berggren: Hey, you punched out our star rookie.  
Koopmans: He was asking for it! (Blows on fist.)  
Stevie: (Hobbles over to the team.) Okay guys, keep your hands to yourselves while I’m here.  
Koopmans: He started it. (Points to Zetterberg, writhing in pain on the ground.)  
Zetterberg: (From ground.) I’m innocent, I swear.  
Legace: Okay, whose idea was it to put me with Cujo? You people have a sick sense of humor.  
Shanahan: I’m golfing with Shireen Saski.   
Van Leusen: How did you wind up with the chick?  
Shanahan: I have connections, kid. (Laughs.)  
Van Leusen: (To Ballantyne, under his breath.) He slept his way to the top.  
Shanahan: (Chuckles nervously.) Heh heh, I did not. (Eyes dart about shiftily.)  
Stevie: Right, Shanny. As long as you believe that. (Pats him on the back.)  
-Golf ball hits Maltby in the face-  
Avery: Fore!  
Maltby: SEAN!!!  
Avery: I said fore. (Pouts.)  
Maltby: AFTER you hit me in the head with your golf ball! (From ground.)  
Stevie: (Sighs.) Maybe this wasn’t the best idea...  
Shanahan: Ya think?  
Larionov: And how.   
-Golf ball narrowly misses Shanahan’s head and Larionov ducks-  
Shanahan: How come bad stuff happens to me when other people say, ‘And how’? (Golf ball hits Shanny in the groin and he collapses.) Aaaaah.  
Larionov: People actually like me, Brendan.  
Shanahan: Go to hell Eye-gor.  
Larionov: Actually it’s Igor.  
Shanahan: You know, I never knew that. I always thought it was Eye-gor.  
Larionov: Brendan, we’ve been teammates for six seasons and you never learned how to pronounce my name?  
Shanahan: I’m lazy. So sue me. (Pulls himself back onto his feet.)  
Stevie: Okay guys, okay, simmer, simmer.  
Shanahan: Don’t tell me what to do, Yize-er-man!  
Stevie: Um Brendan, that’s not how you pronounce my name. It’s Yzerman.  
Shanahan: Really? (Pause.) Why didn’t you tell me before?  
Stevie: (Pause.) Uh okay. I’ll just go stand by my caddie now. (Hobbles off.)  
Draper: How the hell is Stevie going to golf on one leg?  
Shanahan: Very very carefully?  
Legace: I say we take out the competition. (Pounds golf club into his hand and cackles.)  
Cheli3os: No mugging, Manny! Remember what happened when you took out, ahem, accosted Mario Lemieux?  
Fischer: What? What did you do, Manny?  
Chelios: All you need to know is Mario’s hip, Manny, a jet plane and a crowbar.  
Legace: Hey, that’s not how it went down!  
Fischer: You attacked Mario?  
Legace: That’s not what happened! CHELLY!!! (Chelios runs off giggling.)  
Shanahan: Then what ‘went down’, Manny?  
Legace: I was in the Pittsburgh hotel and I ran into Mario - literally - and he fell on my crowbar.  
McCarty: What were you doing with a crowbar?  
Legace: Don’t be mean! (Storms off.)  
Cujo: (Brings out his golf club, which has a fuzzy little bunny cover on it.)  
Koopmans: (Snickers.) Cujo has a bunny club cover! (Points.)  
MacIntyre: Hey Koops, don’t be a dick.  
MacDonald: Yeah, Cujo is the starting goalie.  
Pannoni: He’s my idol.  
Koopmans: (Sighs.) Sorry, Cujo.  
Cujo: (Waves bunny club cover at Koopmans.) Rawr!!!  
Koopmans: (Rolls his eyes.) Eek.  
Cujo: You’re just indulging me. You’re not really scared.  
Koopmans: AAAAAH!  
Cujo: Better. (Wanders off.)  
Koopmans: He’s a little crazy, ain’t he?  
Legace: (Shrugs.) We’re all a little crazy, Logan.  
Fedorov: I AM TARZANOV! (Swings off the top of a golf cart and falls flat on his face.)  
Fleischmann: (Snorts Pixie Stix.)   
Blatak: Why are you snorting Pixie Stix?  
Fleischmann: Pixie Stix? I thought this was cocaine.  
Blatak: Oh.  
Koopmans: (Sighs.)


	58. The Dominik Hasek Fun Hour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who in their right mind would give Dominik Hasek a variety show? Why, Mike Ilitch of course.

-In Mr. Ilitch's office, with Mike Ilitch and team consultant Scotty Bowman-  
Bowman: You see, I was trying to find a new position for Dom with the team, and last night, during Conan O'Brien, it hit me -  
Ilitch: You watch Conan O'Brien?!  
Bowman: That's neither a here nor a there, Mr. I. (Coughs, looks at notes.) We should give Dominik his own late night variety show.  
Ilitch: Are you sure that's a good idea, Scotty? He can't even speak English good.  
Bowman: That didn't stop Geraldo Rivera! This can work, Mike, it can!  
Ilitch: (Sighs.) Okay, I'll run it by Dom's image consultants and I'll get back to you.  
-Later on, on a stage-  
Dom: Where did you get this studio, Mr. I?  
Ilitch: I stole it.   
Dom: Oh...  
Ilitch: Since you're low on funds and I'm too cheap to pay, you'll have to conduct your interviews from cinderblocks, and Boyd Devereaux here - (puts hand on Boyd's shoulder) - will be your band.  
Dom: You are a musician?  
Boyd: (Blows on kazoo.)  
Dom: I guess that answers that. (Sighs.) How are we going to get the word out?  
Ilitch: Trust me, Dom, word's spreading like wildfire... (Laughs nervously.) Heh heh. I'm gonna let you and Boyd here get acquainted. (Runs off.)  
Boyd: I can play "Greensleeves". (Blows on kazoo.)   
Dom: (Winces and covers ears.) Ugh, that's terrible...  
Boyd: My mom told me I was a prodigy.  
Dom: Your mom is a pack of lies. (Sits on largest cinderblock.)  
Boyd: (Sits on smaller cinderblock.) How come I get the little cinderblock and you get the big one?  
Dom: I'm the host, that's why. You don't question the host, peasant. (Snaps fingers in Boyd's face.)  
-Enter Avery-  
Avery: Hi Dom, hi Boyd. I was sent by Mr. I to bring you your suit. (Holds out a multi-colored polka dot suit to Dom.) It's the only one in your size that Mr. I had laying around in his basement.  
Boyd: Gee, Mr. I's really cheap. You'd think he'd pony up a little more money so Dom can at least wear a nice suit.  
Dom: Didn't leisure suits go out of style in the seventies?  
Avery: Oh, no, they're back in style now. Trust me. (Leaves suit on Dom's lap and runs off.)  
Dom: I should have turned him down.  
-Minutes before the big show, Dom is in multi-colored polka dotted leisure suit and Boyd is blasting away on his kazoo-  
Boyd: (Pauses to take deep breath.) I'm playing "Easy" by the Commodores now.  
Dom: Wonderful. (Johnny Wharton puts the finishing touches on Dom's makeup and steps away, handing him a mirror.) AAAAAAAGH! What did you do to me?!?! You made me look like Tammy Faye Bakker!!!  
Wharton: What are you yelling at me for?!?!? I'm not a makeup artist!  
Dom: Maybe if your boss wasn't such a cheap ass bastard, he'd hire you lessons to learn how to apply makeup!  
Wharton: He's your cheap ass bastard boss, too!  
Dom: Oh, right. (Pause.) I love Mr. Ilitch.  
Fedorov: (W‹alks up with cue cards.) Okay, I didn't write "Dominik Hasek is a big hairy butt and he has a huge crack and he smells like poop and he's a big butt" on these cue cards. I swear! (Cough.)  
Dom: Sure you didn't. (Glares. Grabs the next cue card.) "Dominik Hasek eats sweaty monkey ass crack". Sweaty monkey ass crack? (Frowns.) We need to hire a new cue card guy. You're fired. (Tosses cue cards at Fedorov.)  
Fedorov: (Runs off pumping fist in air.) Whoo hoo!  
Boyd: THA KAZHOO ITH SHTUCK ODD MAH TONGUE! (Lurching around with kazoo stuck on tongue.)  
Dom: How did you manage that, Boydlet?  
Boyd: I don't know, I was just playing "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen, and the next thing I know... (Tugs on kazoo.) Ow, that hurtsh. (Tugs some more.) Owwie. (Tugs.) Yeeowch!  
Stevie: So Dom, who are your guests for the inaugural episode of Dominik Hasek's Fun Hour?  
Dom: Brendan Shanahan, Brett Hull's Stupid Human Tricks, my mailman Fred, and Boyd Devereaux and His Amazing One Man Kazoo Band.  
Stevie: Ooh can't wait. (Rolls eyes.)  
Director: Everyone off the stage! (Shoos everyone off the stage and begins countdown.)  
Dom: (Reads from teleprompter haltingly.) Hello everyone, this is Dominik Hasek, and I want to welcome you to the inaugural episode of Dominik Hasek's Fun Hour. With me is the Boyd Devereaux's - (pauses, squints) - Funk-a-Delic Groove Experience.   
Boys: That's me, Boyd Devereaux's Funk-a-Delic Groove Experience! (Blows on kazoo.)  
-One man claps-  
Dom: And I'd like to thank my lone audience member for his pity applause.  
-Camera swings to lone audience member-  
Fred: You're welcome, Dom.   
Boyd: (Squints.) Dom, isn't that your mailman?  
Dom: Oh yeah, hi Fred. (Grins.) Anyway, let's give my first guest, Brendan Shanahan, the Dominik Hasek Fun Hour welcome!!!  
Boyd: (Blows on kazoo and waves an American flag.)  
-A stagehand throws a bobblehead out onto the stage-  
Dom: (Squints as he reads teleprompter.) Dominik Hasek bobblehead? I thought we had Brendan Shanahan.  
Stagehand: (Whispers loudly.) His wife is in labor. The bobble was a last minute replacement.  
Dom: (Picks up bobble and puts it on desk.) Hello Mr. Bobble, welcome to the Dominik Hasek Fun Hour. I am your wonderful host, Dominik Hasek. (Bobs bobblehead.)  
Mr. Bobble: (Boyd speaking in high pitched voice.) Hello Dom, I'm glad to be here.  
Dom: So, Mr. Bobble... Uh... Tell me, why are you here?  
Mr. Bobble: I'm here because I am the world's only dancing bobblehead. (Bobs to Boyd's kazoo music.)  
Dom: Is now time for a commercial on vaginal itch cream. Be right back. (Sighs angrily and flicks bobblehead off desk.)   
Boyd: I hope the rest of our guests don't cancel on us 'cuz I am so carrying the show.   
Dom: You are not! It's not the Boyd Devereaux Kazoo Hour! It's the Dominik Hasek Fun Hour! (Points to screen and snarls.)  
Boyd: (Throws down Kazoo.) Okay, that's it, I quit! I'm starting my own late-night variety show! (Storms off.)  
Dom: (Smiles.) Welcome back to the Dominik Hasek Fun Hour folks! Our next guest is a 600 goal scorer! Brett Hull!  
-Brett flounces onto stage holding a cardboard box in his hands-  
Brett: Hi, Dom. (Sits on cinderblock.)   
Dom: What is that you're holding, Brett?  
Brett: It's all a part of my stupid human tricks, Dom. (Pulls out a pizza.) I'm going to eat this entire pizza in one bite.  
Dom: (Raises an eyebrow to stagehand off-screen.) This is the talent we get?  
Brett: (Opens mouth wide and proceeds to stuff pizza into his mouth.) Mmmmphghh mmph mgggh aughlaaaaahaaaaugha.  
Dom: Oh, right, right, of course Brett. (Sighs.)  
Brett: (Begins to swallow and Dom drums his pencils on his cinderblock.) Grph.  
Dom: Hey, Hully, slow down. You’re going to choke or something.  
Hull: Don’t tell me how to eat my pizza! (Starts choking.)  
Avery: (Matter-of-factly.) Hey guys, Hully’s choking again. (Off stage.)   
Dom: Isn’t there a first-aid chart around here somewhere?  
Fischer: (Off stage.) Somebody scare him.  
Avery: That’s for hiccups!  
Fischer: Well... (Flustered.) Someone better do something!!!! He's going to die!  
Dom: (Throws arms around Hull.)  
Hull: (Tries to push him away.) He's trying to cop a manfeel!  
Dom: Be still, I'm trying to save your life. (Performs Heimlich maneuver and Brett spits up pizza.)  
Brett: (Rubs throat and shoves Dom away.)   
-Fred claps-  
Dom: (Bows.) Thank you, thank you. (Bows.)  
Brett: (Looks longingly at pizza lying on the floor.)  
Avery: (Comes on stage to lead Brett off.) No, Brett.  
Brett: (Sighs, eyes pizza.)   
Avery: No, Brett. (Leads him off.)  
Dom: Well, I guess that's all for the inaugural episode of the Dominik Hasek Fun Hour, please tune in tomo -   
Boyd: (Runs on stage wearing a white Elvis suit with rhinestones and a cape.) Please tune in tomorrow at nine pm for the Boyd Devereaux Funk-a-Delic Groove Experience! (Busts a move.)   
Dom: Stop hogging my spotlight! (Pounces on Boyd.)  
-Enter Avery wearing a clown suit and a red nose, holding a sign reading, "WE AT THE DOMINIK HASEK FUN HOUR/BOYD DEVEREAUX FUNK-A-DELIC GROOVE EXPERIENCE ARE NOW EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES"-  
-Blue screen of death-


	59. The One About Columbus Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Igor and Henrik have a "race", the Wings have a Halloween costume contest, and the competition gets out of hand.
> 
> Chelios' costume changes by the end of the fic because I forgot what I had him dressed as. There is also an Al Gore joke!

-Scene opens in Joe Louis Arena, following the preseason whitewashing of the Stars (heehee!) and Larionov and Zetterberg are climbing up the protective netting for some ungodly reason-  
Bykov: (On ground.) *Go Iggy go!!! GO IGGY GO!!* (Claps.)  
Fedorov: *What are those two doing?*  
Bykov: *They're having a race to see who gets to the ceiling first.*  
Fedorov: Oh. (Claps weakly.) Go Iggy.  
-Enter Chelios and Hull-  
Hull: What the hell are they doing?  
Fedorov: They're having a race to see who can climb up the netting the fastest.  
Chelios: And I thought Iggy was the smart one.  
Hull: (Cups mouth and yells to Larionov.) Push the rookie off! Save our jobs - (Chelios whacks him in the shoulder.) OW!  
Larionov: (From top.) I WIN! (Pumps fist in air.) Ooops, whoooooahhhh! (Slips.)  
Zetterberg: I'll save you, Igg - (Swipes at Larionov's legs, Igor gets trapped in netting.)  
Larionov: Get me down from here!  
Chelios: Why'd you climb the netting in the FIRST place? I thought you were the smart one, Igor.  
Larionov: I don't have to be the BORING one! Henrik bet me three hundred dollars that he'd beat me to the top of the ceiling, and I'm a betting man. AND I beat him.  
Lidström: I bet Henrik doesn't even have three hundred bucks.   
Zetterberg: (Hangs head.) I don't. I was lying.  
Larionov: Someone get me down from here, please?  
-The team begins to leave the ice-  
Larionov: Wait, where are you going?  
Zetterberg: Uh guys? Come back. Don't leave us here...  
-Later on, the guys are at Stevie's celebrating the win-  
Maltby: Dude, I think we're missing someone.  
McCarty: Me too.  
Draper: Didn't we leave Igor hanging on to the netting?  
Larionov: No, I'm right here. I hitched a ride on Sergei's bumper.  
Fedorov: Oh so that was the scratching I heard on our way here... (Glares at Larionov.) You're paying for the damage to my bumper.  
Larionov: That wasn't me, that was pebbles. Anyway, you could've avoided the thistle patch.  
Fedorov: It was the scenic route. (Pouts.)  
Larionov: Scenic my ass. (Rubs sore ass.) Ouch.  
Shanny: Serves you right.  
Roest: I thought you were the SMART one.  
Larionov: So did I.  
Fischer: I'M the smart one.  
All: (Burst into laughter.)  
Fischer: (In small voice.) My mommy says so.  
All: (Pause, then burst into laughter once more.)  
Fischer: Stop it!  
All: (Laugh.)  
Fischer: (Pouts.) You're not being nice. My mommy is gonna hear about this.  
All: (Snicker.)  
Zetterberg: Ah, give the kid a break.  
Fischer: Aren't you younger than I am?  
Zetterberg: But you're just like a big bunny rabbit. (Pets him.)  
Fischer: I'm a wuss!  
Legace: That doesn't mean we like you any less!  
Fischer: (Sigh.) I need to toughen myself up.   
Shanny: That'll be the day. (Rolls eyes.)  
Fischer: (Shows off his muscles and growls menacingly.)  
McCarty: Um, better luck next time, Fisch.   
-Enter Dave Lewis-  
Lewis: I'd like to announce that we're having a Halloween costume contest. The winner receives a one hundred dollar cheque to shop at Freed's of Windsor.  
Hull: Ooh, I am so going to win this contest! (Grins and rubs hands together.)  
Shanny: Brett, only one of us can be Hugh Hefner this year.  
Hull: (Pout.) Tarnation!  
Shanny: Eh?  
Hull: I'm trying to cut down on my swears so that I can get on NHL2Night more.  
Shanny: That's not gonna do it. (Chuckles.)  
Hull: (Frowns.)   
Shanny: Tell me what you're gonna be for Halloween.  
Hull: I'm not telling! You'll just steal THIS costume like how you stole my Hugh Hefner costume!   
Lewis: Oh, stop your bickering. Brett, you can be Larry Flynt and Brendan can be Hugh Hefner.  
Hull: But Larry Flynt is fat and in a wheel chair.  
Lewis: (Rolls eyes.) Your point being - ?  
Hull: (Pause. Thinks.) Okay.  
-Later on, in the lockerroom-  
Draper: (Dressed as a vampire.) Nice costume, Mac!   
McCarty: (Also dressed as a vampire.) Thanks, Drapes! Likewise!  
-Enter Maltby, dressed as a can-can dancer-  
Draper: (Pops out fangs.) Way to go, Malts. (Rolls eyes.) We were supposed to all be vampires.  
Maltby: I'm a vampire can-can dancer...  
McCarty/Draper: (Roll eyes.)  
-Enter Shanny, dressed in a burgundy robe-  
Shanny: (Has a blowup doll on each arm. Puffs on pipe.) Hello all. Hugh is here!  
Chelios: That costume is so appropriate. (Dressed as a gorilla.)  
Shanny: Likewise, Chelly. (Snorts.)  
Chelios: (Tosses banana at Shanny's head.)  
Larionov: (Enters wearing a sweater and jeans.)  
Holmström: (Dressed as a king.) Why aren't you in costume, Iggy?  
Larionov: I've come as the Professor.  
Shanny: What a rip. Iggy didn't dress up.  
Larionov: (Shrugs.) At least I was smart enough to get out of this stupid thing.  
-Enter Fishy dressed as a bunny-  
Zetterberg: (Dressed as a caveman. Points at Fishy.) I was RIGHT! He really IS a big fluffy bunny!!!! (Runs over and rubs his tummy.)  
Fischer: (Giggles.) That tickles.  
Lidström: You shouldn't be petting him.  
Zetterberg: Why not?  
Lidström: Just trust me.  
Fischer: Happy Columbus Day!   
Lewis: Uh, Jiri, this is a Halloween party.  
Fischer: I know that, silly! But today is Columbus Day! (Puts on Blue Jackets jersey.)  
Hull: Um Fish, this holiday doesn't honor THAT Columbus... It honors Christopher Columbus...   
Fischer: Oh. (Disappointed pause. Takes off jersey.)   
Hull: Nice try though.  
Fischer: Who are you trying to be? (Pause. Begins squealing.) Ooh ooh lemme guess, lemme guess! Stephen Hawking!  
Hull: (Glares.) NO! I'm trying to be Larry Flynt!  
Fischer: Who's Larry Flynt?  
Shanny: A Hugh Hefner wannabe.  
Hull: Shut up!  
-Enter Yzerman in a toga-  
Yzerman: Stop this bickering you guys!  
Luc: Stevie, are you in drag?  
Yzerman: No, I'm Julius Caesar. (Puts on crown of laurels.)  
Luc: He IS in drag! He's wearing flowers in his hair! (Hull smacks him.)  
Hull: Oh stop it, Luc. Stop being such a baby. What are YOU supposed to be, anyway?  
Luc: (Pause. Speaks in a small voice.) A beautiful beautiful butterfly.  
Lewis: (Speaks into microphone, spooking the players.) Okay guys, we'll now begin the contest! (Clears throat.) Ahem, third runner up prize goes to captain Steve Yzerman, dressed as a woman with flowers in her hair!  
Kocur: (Hands Stevie his prize.)  
Yzerman: I'm Julius Caesar!  
Lewis: Second runner up - Chris Chelios dressed as Alexander DeLarge from Clockwork Orange.  
Chelios: (Accepts prize.) I just wanted to put on mascara. (Grins.)  
Lewis: First runner up - (opens envelope) - Brett Hull, dressed as Stephen Hawking!  
Hull: (Wheels himself up to Lewis and takes microphone.) Actually I'm dressed as Larry Flynt.  
Lewis: (Hands him envelope.) Okay. (Clears throat.) And the winner is...  
Shanny: (Rubs hands together and looks constipated.) Come on, Hugh, come on...  
Lewis: Nicklas Lidström, dressed as a cowboy! (Hands Nick prize.)  
Shanny: He ALWAYS dresses as a cowboy! (Pouts.)  
Nick: (Grins.)  
Shanny: (Growls.) I so shoulda won! The balloting was rigged! I demand a recount!  
Yzerman: (Leads him away.) Come join me for a drink, Al. (Snorts.)


	60. The One With the ALCS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shanny is a jerk.

Shanny: Why are we watching baseball? It's so boring.   
Lidström: It's really not. It's a game of strategy.  
Larionov: So is chess, but chess doesn't have its World Series on national TV.  
Lidström: You're just bitter that chess doesn't have its World Series on TV.  
Maltby: Chess doesn't even have a World Series. It's not a sport.  
Larionov: It IS a sport! You have to use your brain!  
Malbty: Brain?  
Larionov: That explains it. (Sighs.)  
Shanny: Baseball is so not a real sport. I mean, it's so slow and boring, and the teams' names suck! I mean the Angels? Come on, what pansy ass kind of name is that?  
Hull: Come on, Bren, hockey has pansy names too.   
Shanny: Name one.  
Hull: Blue Jackets.  
Shanny: Okay, but I bet you can't name two.  
Hull: Wild.  
Shanny: Well you can't name three.  
Hull: Ducks.   
Shanny: You can stop now.  
McCarty: Don't be knocking baseball, Shanny. Just because you can't play doesn't mean you can knock it for the rest of us.  
Shanny: I can TOO play!  
Datsyuk: Hah, I'd love to see that!  
McCarty: (Hands Shanny a grapefruit and puts on an oven mitt.) Okay, Mr. October, throw the ball! (Crouches.)  
Shanny: (Throws grapefruit into Draper's face.)  
Draper: AIE! MY EYES BURN!  
Shanny: You shouldn't have been in the way!  
Draper: I was behind you!  
Shanny: Whatever, baseball sucks.  
Fishy: I love the Super Bowl.  
Avery: Uh Fishy, we're talking about baseball.  
Fishy: Isn't the Super Bowl the baseball championship?  
Avery: Uh, no. It's the bowling championship.  
Holmström: (Rolls eyes.) It's the /football/ championship, anustova.  
Legace: Homer, do you guys even /have/ football in Sweden?  
Holmström: No, but some of us stuff a sock with pennies and take turns hitting each other over the heads with it.  
Legace: That has nothing to do with football.  
CuJo: But it does explain a lot about Homer.  
Legace: You've got a point there.  
Holmström: (Grins, and then frowns.) Are you two mocking me?  
CuJo/Legace: Yes.  
Holmström: (Pause.) Ok. (Whips out sock filled with pennies and hits CuJo and Manny in the faces.) Homey don't play that, sucka!  
CuJo: OW! That hurts!  
olmström: Can you dig it?   
Legace: (Rubs eye.) Guess he's not as dumb as he looks.  
Holmström: (Bows.) Thank you.  
Legace: (Rolls eyes.)


	61. The One Where the Sicilian Mafia Takes Over the Joe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Joe becomes overrun by Sicilian mafia members.
> 
> Warning for the Sicilian mafia, talk of guns, and Brendan Shanahan being placed in a bucket of cement.

-Shanny enters the lockerroom-  
Shanny: Why are there fat dudes in black suits with bulges under their coats standing at the entrance way? (Sits in locker.)  
Stevie: Pssshaw. You must be seeing things, Brendan.  
Shanny: Steve, you can’t tell me you didn’t see those guys as you came into the Joe. They’re like three hundred pounds each. It’s hard to miss them.  
Stevie: (Nervous giggles.) I know nothing.  
Chelios: (Laughs nervously.) Heh heh, me too. I know nothing about the Sicilian Mafia taking over the Joe. Heh heh.  
Stevie: (Hits Chelios over the head with his magazine.) CHELLY!!!!!  
Chelios: What?! I didn’t flat out say it!  
Stevie: (Rolls eyes.)   
Shanny: The MAFIA?! What’s the Mafia doing here?!  
Larionov: They needed a place to set up shop. (Shrugs.)  
Shanny: Why the Joe?  
Larionov: I don’t ask men with guns questions, Shanny. That's why I'm the smart one. (Nods sagely.)  
-Enter a mobster-  
Mobster: Hi my name’s Little Vito, I gotta request to ask you guys.  
Stevie: Shoot. Heehee. But not literally. (Coughs.)  
Fedorov: (Under his breath.) Smooth move, Stevie.  
Little Vito: I gotta cousin who always wanted ta be a hockey player, and never gotta chance. Would you mind puttin’ my cousin on the team?  
Lewis: Of course not, Mr. Little Vito! Bring him on in!  
Little Vito: Okay Mr. Lewis. (Pokes his head out the door.) Rosaria, come on in. (Brings in a fat Italian woman in a flowered dress.)  
Rosaria: Hi. (Waves.)  
Lewis: That's your cousin?  
Little Vito: Yeah, ya gotta problem wit’ dat?  
Lewis: Oh, no! Um, Rosaria can, uh, take...FEDOROV'S place! (Scratches off Fedorov's name on the roster.) Who needs HIM anyway?  
Rosaria: (Grins.)  
Fedorov: Dammit. (Little Vito glares at him.) I mean, yay! (Laughs nervously.)  
-Later on, in the bathroom-  
Yzerman: This is not working out!   
Datsyuk: Little Vito yell at me. Hurt my feelings.  
Fedorov: What were you doing?  
Datsyuk: I try to take his gun.  
Lidström: Don't ever try to take a mobster's gun!  
Datsyuk: I know that now.  
Fischer: Big Tony is looking at me funny.   
Datsyuk: These guys are scary.  
Holmström: I say we overpower them.  
Chelios: Yeah. The lot of us overpower big guys with guns. Good idea.  
CuJo: And NOW we have to replace Fedorov with Rosaria!  
Fedorov: I was getting too much ice time anyway.  
Williams: I'm glad we're in agreement then.  
-Enter the mobsters-  
Big Tony: Little Vito here is gonna give you guys a pep talk. (Cracks beefy knuckles.)  
Little Vito: (Coughs.) If you lose the game, I'm gonna kill you all. (Leaves with Big Tony.)  
Williams: Some pep talk. (Scoffs.)  
Fedorov: (Weeps, holding head in hands.) I don't want to die!  
CuJo: (Pats his shoulder.) Don't worry, Sergei, we'll win it for you.  
Avery: If I die, who will identify my corpse?  
-Fedorov begins combing his hair-  
Fedorov: One...two...three...four...five...  
-Some time passes-  
Fedorov: Ninety-eight...ninety-nine...one hundred. (Puts down comb.)  
Fischer: Why did you just comb your hair one hundred times?  
Fedorov: I want to leave behind a beautiful corpse. Besides, people are more famous dead anyway.   
Hull: Thanks for the morbid thought, Sergei. (Rolls eyes.) I, for one, am not going down without a fight.  
Shanny: We have no weapons, you tool. How the hell are we going to fight off fat Sicilians with guns?  
Fischer: We could poison them.  
Larionov: How?  
Fischer: (Thinks.) Scratch that idea. I think poisoning people is illegal.  
Shanny: (Ponders.) Fire!  
Yzerman: (Ignores him.) Anyone?  
-Long silence-  
Shanny: (Eyes widen and he raises his hand.)  
Yzerman: Does anyone have an idea that does NOT involve fire?  
Shanny: (Puts hand down.)  
Larionov: (Reading from a book titled "How To Stage a Successful Coup".) There's a lot we could do with balls of stick tape and jock straps.  
CuJo: You know, I think he's on to something...  
Yzerman: NO FIRE!  
Shanny: Damn!  
-Later on, after the Wings lose the game 15-0-  
Little Vito: That was the sickest display of hockey I ever saw!  
Big Tony: You guys are all gonna be punished!  
Fischer: Eep! (Raises hand.) Please don't hurt me! I bruise easily!  
Little Vito: (Glares.) Did you say anything?  
Fischer: (Puts hand down.) Nossir.  
Big Tony: Mwahahahaha!  
Shanny: Gulp.  
-Later on-  
Shanny: (Standing in a bucket filled with cement.) So, tell me how sacrificing myself for the good of the team is going to benefit ME?  
Draper: (Pats Shanny on the arm.) We'll never forget ya.  
Big Tony: Time to sleep wit' da fishies!  
Fischer: I'm a Fishy! Does that mean Brendan gets to sleep with me? (Bounce.)  
-Little Vito and Big Tony share looks-  
Little Vito: Any last words?  
Shanny: (Unfolds piece of paper Jiri gave him.) "Ask not for whom the bean tolls...it tolls for thee"? How the hell is this going to save my life?  
Fischer: It isn't. I thought it would be funny last words and make everyone laugh.  
Shanny: Grrr!  
Little Vito: Okay. Bye-bye, Brendan. (Puts black bag over his head.)  
Shanny: Um, inquiry.  
Little Vito: Yeah, what is it?  
Shanny: You know, CuJo did give up fifteen goals... He was really the reason we lost, not me.  
Big Tony: You know, Vito, he's right.  
Little Vito: Eh. (Removes black bag from Shanny's head.) Okay, you can live. Tony, grab the goalie.  
CuJo: Hey! (Runs off.)  
Little Vito: Catch him!  
Avery: Run, CuJo, run! (Claps hands.)  
-Enter Larionov in sunglasses, a black suit and a bulge under his coat-  
Larionov: Larion Igorov of the KGB here. We'll take care of everything from here on out, Mr. Little Vito. (Pats Little Vito on the back.)  
Little Vito: Ok, thanks Mr. Igorov. C'mon boys, let's get outta here before the Feds come.  
Fedorov: (Perks.)  
-Little Vito and the Sicilian Mafia leave-  
Larionov: (Removes sunglasses and pulls banana out of pocket.) Wow, I didn't know that would work!  
Draper: How'd you learn how to do that?  
Larionov: I mailed in for my cool spy kit! (Holds up empty box of Cheerios.)  
Shanny: That's all well and good, Iggy, but how are you going to get me out of the cement in time for tonight's game?  
Larionov: (Thinks.) I haven't thought about that one yet...  
Shanny: ::sighs::


	62. The Return of Stevie Claus, Part I

-The team is at the American Airlines Center before the game against Dallas-

Fischer: So, do we get to pick our Secret Santas yet?  
Larionov: I thought we stopped doing that after Fishy ate Malts's present last year.  
Fischer: Not my fault! You shouldn't have got him a cupcake! (Points at Draper.)  
Draper: I bought him Play-Do shaped like a cupcake, stupid.  
Fischer: (Thinks.) Oh... So that's why it was a salty cupcake!  
Shanny: Stevie says we're still doing the Secret Santa thing. He's going to be flying in tonight for the big name drawing, too.  
Fischer: (Perks.) Stevie's flying in? On reindeer??  
Shanny: No, on an airplane.  
Fischer: I thought Santa flew on reindeer.  
Shanny: He does, but Stevie's not Santa. He's Stevie.  
Hull: Anyways, Santa's too fat to play hockey.  
Shanny: (Looks at Hull.) Says you.  
Hull: Watch who's calling whom jolly, pal!  
Shanny: I wasn't implying you're jolly, I was implying you're fat.  
Hull: Oh. Well, I'm definitely not jolly, but I am fat. (Shrugs.)  
Fischer: So, can we do the Secret Santas? (Bounce.)  
Lidström: I don't see why not.  
Fischer: Yay! (Leaps.)  
Woolley: I want a new Robot Jimmy doll that talks and shoots Nerf balls.  
Larionov: For your kid?  
Woolley: Screw my kid, I want it for me!  
Fischer: I want to meet Santa.  
Shanny: Kid, don't you know Santa died in the freak blizzard of aught-two?  
Fischer: (Squeak.) What?! Santa's DEAD?!  
Shanny: (Nods.) He crashed in the Andes and his reindeer had to eat him to survive.  
Holmström: That was not Santa. That was the Brazilian soccer players.  
Fischer: So, Santa's not dead then?  
Holmström: No, he's just hiding in his batcave, fighting crime and generally kicking ass. (Points to the sky.)  
Fischer: Oh... That's cool. And why are you wearing a dress?  
Holmström: (Puts wreath on head, with candles in it.) I'm Santa Lucia again this year for Nick's kids.  
Fischer: You're in drag? Are you sure you won't freak Nick's kids out?  
Holmström: I'm a cool drag queen that gives out candy.  
Fischer: Your wax is dripping.  
Holmström: Ow!  
Wax: Sssst!  
Holmström: OW!  
Wax: (Burble.) Sssssss.  
Holmström: OW! OW! (Runs off.)  
Lidström: I thought I told him to stop dressing up in a nightgown and scaring my children.  
Fischer: (Shakes head.) Tsk. Some people never learn.  
Lidström: (Arches eyebrow.)


	63. The Return of Stevie Claus, Part II

-Following the game against Dallas, in the showers-  
Fischer: (Scrubs self with a sponge.) Ho ho ho!  
Larionov: Don't sing that next to me when I'm in the shower.  
Fischer: Oh, sorry. (Thinks.) Jingle balls -   
Larionov: It's jingle BELLS, Fisch.  
Fischer: Oh... Shanny and Brett told me it was really jingle balls and that everyone else was getting it wrong.  
Larionov: (Nods.) And Shanny and Brett also told you to eat Crayons.  
Fischer: But I pooped such pretty pretty colours.  
Larionov: (Sighs.) If Shanny and Brett jumped off the Ambassador Bridge, would you jump too?  
Fischer: Cool, Shanny and Brett are jumping off the Ambassador Bridge??? I'm SO there!!! (Runs off.)  
Fedorov: (Enters showers.) Hi guys. Why'd Fischy just run off in the nude screaming?  
Larionov: You really don't want to know.  
Fedorov: Okay, I'll take your word for it. (Pause.) So, Stevie's coming in tonight?  
Shanny: Yep, he's going to pick the Secret Santas.  
Fedorov: You know, someone should really tell Jiri that Stevie is not Santa.  
Shanny: I tried.  
Fedorov: You told him Santa died.  
Hull: You ALSO told him Santa married a stripper and honeymooned in Hawaii, where a shark ate him.  
Legace: And now he won't take baths 'cause he's afraid sharks will get him.  
Dandenault: I'm his roomie. Please tell him to start taking baths. (Shudders.)  
-Sounds of sleigh bells-  
-The doors open and Stevie enters-  
Stevie: Hi guys!  
All: Stevie!  
-Enter Fischer-  
Fischer: See, Shanny?! Stevie Claus isn't dead! And he brought presents too.  
Shanny: (Groans.)  
Stevie: Did you tell him I died, again?  
Shanny: (Nod.) But he's so gullible.  
Stevie: BRENDAN!!!  
Shanny: I SAID sorry!  
Stevie: No you didn't! You said "But he's so gullible"! (Shakes head, rips A off of Shanny and puts it on Chelly.)  
Chelly: I told him you eat children for lunch.  
Stevie: (Puts A on Draper.) There ya go.  
Draper: Heh heh.  
Fischer: So can we do the Secret Santas? Huh huh huh???  
Stevie: Sure, okay. Everyone, pick a name out of the goalie helmet. (Puts down an old helmet of Chris Osgood's.)  
Robitaille: (Reaches in.) I picked Shanny? The last time I bought him a present, he slapped me and called it pithy. Whatever that means.  
Shanny: Pithy is a good thing.  
Robitaille: But why'd you hit me then?  
Shanny: (Slaps him.) I only hit people I like! (Slaps Stevie.) Heh heh.  
Fischer: Don't hit Stevie Claus!  
Stevie: I'm not Santa, Jiri. Santa is in the North Pole, making a list and checking it twice. He's gonna find out who's naughty -   
Hull: You can take me off the list then, Stevie Claus.  
Stevie: - or nice.  
All: (Everyone looks at Draper.)  
Draper: Hey, I'm not as sweet as I appear to be!  
Hull: Be naughty, save Santa the trip.  
Draper: Don't mind if I do. (Kicks Stevie. Stevie glares.) Oops... (Looks at Brett.) The Devil made me do it! (Runs off.)  
Hull: How many times do I have to tell you guys??? I'm not the devil! (Pauses, thinks.) At least, most of the time I'm not.  
Larionov: I got Sergei. (Sighs.)   
Fedorov: Much with the sighing, aren't we Iggy?  
Larionov: I just don't know what to get you.  
Fedorov: You're smart, figure it out.  
Larionov: (Under breath.) Like a lifetime supply of hair mousse?  
Fedorov: Huh what?  
Larionov: Nothing, Freds, nevermind.  
Fedorov: (Pats hair.) Okay. (Eyes narrow at Larionov suspiciously.)  
Fischer: (Runs back in.) Lewie just said Santa never existed! He says Santa's fake!  
Wallin: Now why'd ya tell him THAT, Coach?  
Lewis: He's twenty-two. He shouldn't believe in Santa anymore.  
Holmström: He also shouldn't sleep in footie pajamas.  
CuJo: And he shouldn't ask for me to be reading him bedtime stories and to be tucking him in anymore.  
Shanny: And I think it's about time he became housebroken.  
Hull: I think you're thinking about your new babies.  
Shanny: Nope, definitely Fischy. They have diapers and Cathy to clean up after them. At the rate I'm going, I'll never have to touch a dirty diaper.  
Zetterberg: I got Pavel. What should I get him?  
Datsyuk: *I want you to give me your soul.*  
Larionov: (Laughs nervously.) I think he just said fruitcake would be fine.  
Fedorov: (Worried look.) Um. Okay.  
Datsyuk: (Nods, cackles.)  
Zetterberg: I don't think he likes that idea. (Looking at Datsyuk, who is glowering at him menacingly.)  
Larionov: Oh, no, that means he likes it. If he didn't like it, we'd know it by now.  
Shanny: And how. (Reindeer falls through roof of American Airlines Center and tramples him under its hooves.)


	64. The One With the Thong Fairy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the new trainer turns out to be weirder than the last one, the Wings hatch a plot to bring back Johnny Wharton. And Jiri believes in the Thong Fairy...
> 
> Warning for perverted team trainers. And thongs.

Shanny: (Walks into lockerroom.) Dude, what's wrong with our new trainer?  
Larionov: (Shrugs.) Well, we finally got rid of Johnny Wharton. That's a plus.  
Shanny: (Trainer Piet Van Zant is watching them with binoculars.) Um I think I want him back. (Looks at Van Zant. Shudders.)  
Fischer: The new guy leaves me candy in my locker, with notes. I like him.  
Shanny: I think this one is actually crazier than the last one.  
Draper: I miss Johnny. He was funny.  
Larionov: I don't think he was actually trying to be funny though, Drapes.  
Draper: Good point.  
Maltby: Remember the time we caught him selling nude pics of us on eBay?  
Fedorov: I can't believe the one of me only went for three bucks. What a ripoff. (Pouts.)  
Draper: Remember when we found out he was stealing our jocks?  
McCarty: What was he doing with them, anyway?  
Fischer: Good times, good times.  
Holmström: I miss Johnny. I want him back.  
Larionov: (Points in air.) We should try to get him to come back!   
Bykov: *What an ingenious plan!*  
Kuznetsov: Dimitri says, "What an ingenious plan!"  
Larionov: I know what he said. I'm Russian.  
Kuznetsov: Oh? I thought you were Swedish.  
Larionov: (Rolls eyes.)  
Kuznetsov: Don't Swedish names end in -ov?  
Bykov: *Um no, that's Russian names.*  
Kuznetsov: Oh. (Thinks.) Then what do Swedish names end in?  
Lidström: Swedish named end in -ström.  
Zetterberg: But mine ends in -berg and I'm Swedish.  
Lidström: Your parents lied to you. You're adopted. You don't even have blond hair.  
Holmström: Neither do I.  
Lidström: But you're not Swedish either. Aren't you French?  
Holmström: But I'm -   
Lidström: (Whispers into Holmström's ear.) *Psst, play along with me here, okay? I'm trying to mess with the rookie.*  
Holmström: D'accord. (Nods and grins.) Je suis French. Oui oui.  
Zetterberg: No you're not.  
Holmström: Oui. Parlez vous Français? Moi est laid. (Grins.)  
Lidström: Anyway, I say we bring back Johnny Wharton. All who are in agreement, say 'Aye captain'.  
Fedorov: You're not the captain!  
Lidström: (Hisses.) Just go along with me, you tool!  
Fedorov: (Sighs.) Aye, captain.  
Lidström: Okay then. We're in agreement! Let's bring Johnny Wharton back from retirement!  
Larionov: Is that tree moving? (Looks at ficus tree, which is shaking. Walks over to it and begins talking to it.) Hey, tree, why are you moving?  
Tree: (Removes leaves to reveal their new trainer, Piet Van Zant.) Hi. (Coughs up leaves.)  
Larionov: Why were you hiding in a tree?  
Van Zant: I wasn't hiding, I was doing yoga.  
Fedorov: In a tree... Right... (Rolls eyes.)  
Van Zant: (Grabs ficus.) I'll be leaving now. (Leaves.)  
Robitaille: That was odd.  
Zetterberg: I'm used to it.  
Larionov: Oh?  
Zetterberg: My old roomie in Timra used to shave my pubes while I slept.  
Lidström: (Chokes.)   
Shanny: (Cough.) Moving on...  
-Later on-  
Robitaille: So, I says to the guy, "That's where I saw the leprechaun. He told me to burn things." He just looked at me funny and I scored a goal.  
McCarty: Freaking goalies out doesn't lead to more goals.  
Robitaille: What about the time I put on thong and -  
Draper: Shut up with the thong story!  
Robitaille: But it's funny.  
Devereaux: Only to YOU, Luc.  
Robitaille: But I was on the ice! In a thong!  
Shanny: We know!  
Lewis: And how does Robitaille in a thong have anything to do with today's practice drills?  
Lidström: You're telling me. (A thong whizzes by his head.) Heyyy!  
Robitaille: Wasn't me! (Holds up hands.)  
Lidström: Sure, it was the Thong Fairy.  
Fischer: There's a Thong Fairy? Will he grant me three wishes?  
Lidström: No! There is no such thing as a Thong Fairy, Fischy!  
Larionov: And why is it a he? Thong Fairies could - theoretically - be shes.  
Fischer: Stop using big words, Iggy. It makes my head spin.  
Larionov: Theoretically is a big word?  
Fischer: No, shes. (Holds head.)  
Larionov: Okay... (Trails off.)  
Fischer: Every time you end a sentence sarcastically, a Thong Fairy dies.  
Avery: No, it's every time a child says "I don't believe in fairies", a fairy falls down dead.  
Lidström: No you're both wrong. Every time you say the word 'thong', Nick Lidström turns homicidal.  
Williams: How could there be no such thing as fairies? We have one right in our very own lockerroom! (Points to Larionov.)  
Shanny: No, he's a sprite.  
Kuznetsov: How can you tell?  
Shanny: Sprites are small and lively. (Looks at Igor.)  
Larionov: How many times do I have to tell you that I am not an otherworldly being?  
Shanny: I'll never believe it.  
Larionov: You also believe the moon is made of cheese.  
Shanny: How could something so round and green not be made of cheese?  
Larionov: Brendan, cheese is normally orange not green.  
Shanny: Then what was that green cheese I ate last night?  
Avery: You sure that was cheese?  
Shanny: Nevermind, enough about me! Carry on practicing, boys! (Points in air.)  
Lewis: Excuse me, but I'M the coach here! (Sniffs angrily.) Carry on practicing, boys! (Points in air.)  
-Later on, at Hull's house-  
Hull: No one knows where Johnny is.  
Holmström: Some say he is sailing the Seven Seas.  
Legace: I heard he opened a cattle ranch in Montana.  
Fedorov: He is elusive, that one.  
Avery: Are we talking in code? (Giddy.)   
Lidström: Yes Chode, we're talking in code.  
Avery: Cool, I always wanted to star in a spy movie!  
Hull: This ain't a movie, kid. This is real life.  
Avery: Right, and I suppose you expect me to believe that wrestling is fake too?  
Hull: What does wrestling have to do with anything?  
Avery: Everything, Brett, everything!  
Hull: (Rolls eyes.) Okay, Chode. Whatever.  
Wallin: (Superkicks Hull.)  
Hull: (Laying on ground.) Why'd you just do that, Chips?  
Wallin: Prince Pervertus can screw his OWN virgins, but if he messes with my virgins, I'll be mad!  
Hull: (Writhing on floor.) What the hell?  
-Later on, in the lockerroom-  
Shanny: (Eating granola bar.) So, how's the plot to bring back Johnny coming along?  
-Enter Johnny Wharton-  
Johnny: Hi guys, I'm back.  
Larionov: Welcome back, Johnny. Long time, no see.  
Fedorov: How're your gyms coming?  
Johnny: Just fine. So, what's this about my replacement being creepier than me?  
Maltby: He steals our jocks, he spies on us, and he has a shrine of Homer in his bathroom.  
Holmström: It has candles all over it, and a picture of me in the middle, with x-es over my eyes.  
Johnny: Oh, I'll talk to him about that.  
Shanny: Thanks.  
-Wharton spots big bag of player jocks-  
Johnny: Um, I'll be right back, guys! (Grabs bag and runs off.)  
Fedorov: Maybe this wasn't one of my best ideas.  
Draper: Do we even need a trainer?  
Larionov: OW! My osteoporosis! (Falls down on ground writhing.)  
Chelios: I went to college. I can fix him.  
Legace: Uh oh.


	65. The Misadventures of Iggy II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iggy II stows away in the Red Wings' equipment truck, and havoc is wreaked.

CuJo: Ow! My goalie pad is biting me!  
Lidström: (Looks up from taping his stick.) That's one of the weirdest things I've ever heard.  
CuJo: (Reaches in, pulls out Iggy II.)  
Larionov: (Grabs Iggy II.) Iggy, what are you doing here?  
Iggy: I snuck into the equipment truck.  
Larionov: (Puts Iggy down.) Your mother is going to be worried sick!  
Iggy: So, can I stay?  
Larionov: I should put you on a plane back to Detroit!  
Avery: Awww, he's cute, Igor. Let 'im stay. Maybe he could be our new mascot!  
Larionov: That's all well and good for you, Chode, but I have his mother to answer to!  
Wallin: Wow, Igor is whipped. (Makes whip noise.) WU-PAH!  
Larionov: Shut up.  
Iggy: Can I stay for the game, Daddy? I promise I'll be good! (Grins and claps hands.)  
Larionov: Well... Okay.  
-Enter Lewis-  
Lewis: Okay guys, give 110%! If we win, we walk together forever! There's no I in team!  
Iggy: But there IS an M and an E.  
Lewis: (Looks at Iggy II.) Sheesh we're recruiting them young now, aren't we?  
Larionov: This is my son, Igor II. He stowed away in CuJo's goalie leg pad.  
Iggy: (Nods, sagely.) If you neutralize Dallas's defense, you can win the game easily. (Points to chalkboard.)  
Fedorov: That kid is too smart for his own good.  
Larionov: His preschool classmates voted him 'Most Likely to Take Over the World Before First Grade'.  
Datsyuk: (Hisses at Iggy.)  
Iggy: (Hisses back.)  
Datsyuk: (Runs off in fear, and hides behind Fischer.)  
Fischer: Hey there, Iggy II!   
Iggy: Hey there, mudak. Trachnitye vas. (Waves.)  
Fischer: Awww, how cute! (Pauses, thinks.) What did he just call me?  
Larionov: IGOR II! (Horrified.) Who taught you that?!  
Iggy: I taught myself, Daddy. (Smiles sweetly.)  
Bykov: Who cares, Iggy? He's so cute, I'd let him get away with anything.  
Iggy: Even murder?  
Bykov: It depends who the murderee is.  
Iggy: You've got yourself a deal! (Shakes hands with Bykov.)  
Larionov: (Shakes head.) Here we go again.  
Lidström: (Arches eyebrow.) Eh?


	66. Jiri's Ark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think Jiri has been fully Flanderized.

Cujo: Thanks for bailing me out, Hully. We owe you big time.  
Hull: (Nod.) You're all my bitches. I own ALL your asses now. (Grins.)  
Avery: Eep!  
Fischer: That was a great effort, guys! (Squeaks.)  
Maltby: What's that squeaking coming from your jacket, Jiri?  
Fischer: Oh, nothing... (Whistles, trails off.)  
Zetterberg: (Pats Jiri's jacket.)  
Fischer: Heyyy! You're going to squash him! (Hamster slips out of his jacket.)  
Avery: Ooh! Runaway hamster!   
Fischer: (Chasing after runaway hamster.) Come back, Hamster, come back!  
Hull: You named your hamster Hamster?  
Shanny: Why'd you bring a hamster to the lockerroom anyway, Fischy?  
Fischer: He doesn't like it when I leave him alone.  
Fedorov: You big fruitcake! (Scornfully.)  
Fischer: Hey!!! (Pause.) Mmmmmmm...fruitcake.  
-Enter McCarty-  
McCarty: Hey, I found this gerbil in my hockey boot! (Holds up Hamster.)  
Fischer: Hamster! (Squeals happily.)  
McCarty: This - (shakes Hamster) - must be yours.  
Fischer: (Grabs him.) Yes, you bad bad boy! Don't you ever run away again! (Shakes finger at Hamster.)  
Hamster: Squeak!  
Fischer: Don't you talk back to me, mister!  
Hamster: Squeak!  
Larionov: Okay, I'm taking the rodent away now.  
Fischer: His name is Hamster.  
Larionov: Whatever. (Takes Hamster, pets it.) Don't worry, little buddy. You're safe now.  
Fischer: Drat, another pet confiscated. (Shakes fist at the ceiling.)   
Avery: Fischer and pets do not belong in the same sentence.  
Fischer: (Pulls puppy out of jersey.) Don't worry guys. I have backup. (Pets him.)  
Chelios: What the hell is this, Jiri's Ark?!  
Fischer: (Rabbit falls out of his hockey boot.) Hey, Bun Bun, where'd YOU come from?!  
Avery: Damn, who in their right mind is giving Jiri these animals?  
Fischer: The pet store, of course!  
Avery: I should call the humane society on them!  
Fischer: (Petting bunny and puppy.) But they love me!  
-Enter Fedorov-  
Fedorov: I just found this kitten in my shower cap! (Disgusted.)  
Kitten: Hiss! (Swipes at Fedorov.)  
Fischer: (Tries to grab kitten.) Come to daddy, Fluffy!  
Kitten: ROWR! HISS! FFFFT! (Scratches Jiri.)  
Fischer: OW! Bad kitty! (Kitten leaps out of Jiri's arms and scurries out of American Airlines Arena visitor's lockerrom.)  
Larionov: Jiri, you really should stop bringing animals to the rink. (Nods, sagely.)  
Fischer: (Cut and bleeding.) I don't know what could have gone wrong. (Shrug.)  
Fedorov: If you don't know now, you'll never know, Fischy.  
Fischer: I can learn!  
All: Ahahahahahaha!  
Fischer: (Laughs along.) Hee hee. (Long pause.) Hey!!!!!


	67. Boyd's Magic Herb Garden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This isn't how pot works.
> 
> I mean, magic herbs!

Shanny: Jiri, why are you smiling so much?  
Fischer: It's called smile therapy, Brendan. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.  
Shanny: Oh. (Pause.) Did you join some cult?  
Fischer: (Thinks.) Hmm not this time. (Grins.) Be happy! Just smile!  
Devereaux: Uh. (Cough.) Did Jiri get into my, uh, herb garden in the sauna?  
Fischer: You have an herb garden in the sauna?  
Devereaux: Uh... Yeah... (Laughs nervously.)   
Shanny: (Shakes head.) Those kids.  
Fischer: I put some of Boyd's herbs in my pregame meal.   
Lewis: You DID?! (Eyes widen.)  
Fischer: They were reeeeeal good!  
Lewis: (Smacks self on forehead.) Oh God.  
Fischer: (Swats at air.) Stop biting me!  
Holmström: Fish, there's no one there -   
Manny: (Puts hand on Homer's arm.) Don't even bother, Homer.  
Fischer: (Giggles.)  
Devereaux: Um, how many of the magic herbs did you put in your pre-game meal, eh Fischy?  
Fischer: (Thinks.) All of them.  
Devereaux: Holy crap! I'll be right back! (Runs off.)  
Hull: Why do I get the distinct feeling that Boyd is running an illegal marijuana cartel in our sauna?  
Shanny: Gee, like it would've taken a genius to figure that one out. (Snorts.)  
Hull: Well, Fish didn't.  
Shanny: And Fish has the IQ of a garden slug. You point being?  
Devereaux: (Comes back in.) They're all gone. (Glares at Fischer.) You ate all of my magic herbs! You magic herb thief!  
Fischer: (Holds up hands.) Eeeep! I can't go to prison! They make prison bitches out of men like me! I know! I've seen the movies!  
Fedorov: I am SO asking for a trade to the Rangers. They have less problems then we do.  
Fischer: (Singing to himself.) Inna gadda davida baby, poke me with a pointed stick, baby. I am the walrus, goo goo gajoob, I am the eggman. (Flaps arms wildly.)  
Hull: (Shakes fist at him.) Stop butchering the classics, you tool!  
Fischer: This is ground control to Major Tom...  
Hull: NOOOOOooooooooo! Not Bowie! (Lunges, Shanny tries to hold him back.)  
Lewis: What the hell are we going to do?!  
Fischer: (Spinning around in circles on the floor like Homer Simpson.) Woop woop woop woop.  
Devereaux: (Comes back with a plunger.) We'll have to flush his stomach.  
Dandenault: With a plunger?  
Deveraux: (Puts plunger on Jiri's face and begins plunging.)  
Larionov: I don't think that's helping... In fact, I think you're cutting off his oxygen.  
Devereaux: (Scoffs.) Oxygen schmoxygen. He'll be fine. (Lifts plunger.)  
Fischer: I wanna be, under the sea, an octopussusses garden for me! (Still spinning in circles on the floor.) Woop woop woop!  
Fedorov: Okay, coming through! (Pours cold water on Fischer.)  
Fischer: (Stops spinning, teeth chatter.)  
Lewis: If he gets pneumonia, I'm suing you.  
Fedorov: I saved his worthless little life! You can't sue me! In fact, give me an eight million dollar raise!  
Lewis: Over my dead body!  
Fedorov: (Raises fists.) I can arrange that...  
Dandenault: Guys, guys, come on. (Looks at Fischer.) Poor dumb kid.  
Hull: (Shakes head.) What a shame that God wasted those good looks on an empty-headed ditz like Fish.  
Fischer: (From ground.) I'm not stupid. I'm just a closet genius.  
Larionov: That's right, Fish, as long as you believe that. (Pets him on the head.) It's almost game time.  
Fischer: I'm not stupid! I promise! (Sits up.)   
Larionov: We know, Fish, we know.  
Fischer: Why does it sound like you don't believe me, Iggy?  
Larionov: How about a nice glass of Gatorade?  
Fischer: I could have gone to college!  
Larionov: (Leads Fischer back to the lockerroom.) I know.  
Fischer: But I could have!  
-Later on-  
Hull: (To Shanny.) I can't believe they decided to let Fischer play. What morons.  
Shanahan: If not, we'd have had to have dressed YOU as our last defenseman.  
Hull: Why me? I can't even skate backwards!  
Shanny: Fedorov is ... incapacitated. (Look at Fedorov who is sitting in the stands, filing his nails.)  
Hull: How in God's name does that blond flake get out of playing the Avs tonight?  
Shanny: He tried to strangle the coach, remember?  
Hull: Oh. Yeah. I remember now. (Sheepishly.)  
Fischer: (On the ice.) Wow these Oreos taste really crappy! (Bites into the puck.)  
Ref: Hey, two minutes for closing your hand on the puck!  
Lewis: (Throws papers into the air.) If those come down, I'm strangling Fischer. (Papers come down.) Okay, strangling it is! (Cracks knuckles, leaps over boards.)  
Fischer: (Laying on ice, spinning in circles.) Woop woop woop!  
Dandenault: Dis makes me very scared for our prospects of repeating as Cup champs.  
Shanny: And how. (Hit in the face with a frozen fish. Winces.) Where the hell did THAT thing come from?


	68. Having Fun With Chris and Al, Or The Fight for the Captain's C

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is also a part of the Having Fun With Chris and Al story, which is never being posted anywhere.

-In the St. Louis lockerroom prior to their game against Philadelphia-  
Coach Quenneville: ...and Philly is going to try to run the goalie, so I want you to -   
-Lockerroom doors open-  
Pronger: Hey everyone! Guess who's back?!  
Salvador: Marc Bergevin?! I knew you'd come back to me! (Squeals.)  
Pronger: (Frowns.) I'm not Marc Bergevin! I don't even have mutton chop sideburns!  
Weight: Um... (Thinks.) Are you Tkachuk?  
Mellanby: No, Tkachoke's right here. (Points to Keith Tkachuk.)  
Tkachuk: My name isn't Tkachoke! (Rages.)  
Johnson: I don't know, we give up! Who are you?!  
Pronger: (Scowls.) I'm your captain, you dimwits! (Pouts.)  
-All eyes turn to Al MacInnis-  
Brathwaite: Is he telling us the truth, Captain Al?  
Al: (Nods.) I'm afraid he's right, boys. Our captain has returned to us.  
Khavanov: NOOOOoooooo! AL is our captain! (Clings to Al.)  
Quenneville: Stop acting like you don't remember who Chris is! He's only been gone for a few months! (Angrily.)  
Pronger: I'm insluted!  
Al: Actually, it's INSULTED, Chris.  
Mayer: (Laughs.) NOW I remember who he is! Prongass! Glad to see ya! (Slaps Chris on the back. Chris glowers.)  
Pronger: I knew that!  
Drake: Hey there, Chrissy Boy, nice to have ya back. Although it's not like we needed ya or anything. (Shrug.)  
Pronger: (Clenches hands into fists.) Shut up, you little Smurf, before I pound your ass!  
Drakes: (Arches eyebrow.) You're gonna pound my ass, eh?  
Pronger: Oh, I shoulda stayed hurt.   
Quenneville: (Pats Chris on the back.) Seeing as how well things have been going witch Al as captain, we've decided to let him keep the C.  
Pronger: (Rages.) WHAT?!  
Quenneville: But you get this nice complimentary ham and cheese sandwich. (Presents Pronger with a complimentary ham and cheese sandwich.)  
Pronger: (Knocks sandwich out of Coach Q's hands.) I don't care if it's an INSULTING ham and cheese sandwich! I want my C! (Stomps feet and whines.) OWWWW! MY KNEE! (Falls to ground, clutching knee.)  
Quenneville: Ohhh boy.  
Pronger: (Rolling around on ground, clutching his knee.) AHH! I'M OUT FOR ANOTHER SIX MONTHS!  
-Players try to look crestfallen, give up and congratulate Al-  
All: YAY! WE LOVE AL!  
Al: (Grins.)


	69. The One With the Jitterbug

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brett lets number 700 get to his head and Shanny gets a lapdance.

Chapter 74: The One With the Jitterbug

-In the lockerroom following the game against San Jose-  
Devereaux: (Meekly.) Would you like anything else, Mr. Hull?  
Brett: (Thinks.) Fetch my slippers. (Snaps fingers.)  
Devereaux: (Scampers off.)  
Fedorov: (Barges into lockerroom, rages.) What do you mean I only played twelve minutes?! That isn't possible!  
Lewis: Uh Sergei, you played twenty-one minutes. You're looking at your stat sheet the wrong way. (Flips the sheet for Fedorov.)  
Fedorov: (Shoulders slump.) Oh. I see. (Pouts.) Just twenty one minutes? Lidström had thirty!  
Brett: (Puffs on cigar.)  
Manny: Brett - hack hack - I don't think you should be smoking in here - hack hack!  
Brett: (Scowls.) Why not?!  
Manny: I think we have a sprinkler system installed in the lockerrooms - hack hack! (Coughs loudly.)  
Brett: (Puffs smoke into Manny's face and grins.)   
Manny: I have sensitive lungs! (Runs out of lockerroom.)  
CuJo: That wasn't very nice!  
Brett: I can do whatever the hell I please! I'm Brett freaking Hull!  
Shanny: (To Fedorov.) Stop me before I wring his neck.  
Fedorov: No one's stopping you. Go ahead and do it. It'll free up more ice time for me!  
-Enter Lewis and media-  
Reporter: (Excitedly.) Brett! You've just scored goal 700! What are you going to do?!  
Brett: (Grin, winkwink.) Buy me a bucket of fried chicken and pick up some hookers.  
Reporter 2: Is it true you've changed sticks?  
Brett: Wanna check for yourself, babe? (Jiggles 'package'.)  
Reporter 2: (Eyes widen in horror.)  
Lewis: (Shoves his way in front of Hull.) People, how many times do I have to say this?! Never interview Brett Hull without express written permission from the NHL! Good night! (Shooes them away.)  
Brett: Why'd you do that? I was on a roll?  
Lewis: One more word out of you, and you'll get slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit. (Points.)  
Brett: (Pouts.) I have 700 goals! You can't talk to me like that!  
Lewis: I can, if you're going to incriminate yourself in sex harassment suits!  
Brett: Oh, like I haven't dealt with that before!  
Shanny: (Raises eyebrow.) You HAVE?  
Brett: It's just something we don't talk about.  
Shanny: (Raises eyebrow.) Okaaaaay.  
Brett: (Puts on his slippers and stubs out his cigar.) Where are the dancing girls? (Frowns.) I want my dancing girls! Chop chop!  
Zetterberg: (Brings in two strippers.) Here they are!  
Stripper 1: Hi, my name's Sparkle.  
Stripper 2: My name's Jiggle.  
Brett: (Grins. Winks.) Hi there, girls.  
Lewis: (Sighs.) I'll be in my office. (Leaves.)  
Shanny: This is ridiculous.  
Brett: You're just jealous you're not getting a lapdance from two strippers.  
Shanny: (Hangs head in shame.) I am.  
Fischer: I'LL give you a lapdance, Shanny!  
Shanny: Uh, no.   
Brett: (Grins.) It's still a lapdance!  
Shanny: But it's a MAN lapdance!  
Brett: (Shrugs.) Take it while ya can.  
Shanny: Okay.   
Fischer: (Squeals.) Whee! I get to do a lapdance!  
Larionov: (Groans.)  
Fischer: (Starts jitterbugging on Shanahan's lap.)  
Shanny: OW! I thought I was getting a lapdance!  
Fischer: This IS a lapdance! (Jitterbugs happily.) A jitterbug is a dance!   
Shanny: He's hurting me!  
Lidström: Heh heh, isn't that cute?  
Larionov: I find it quite disturbing.  
Fedorov: I SO want a trade to the Rangers now. (Shudders.)  
Dandenault: Shanny's *boules* are swollen to the size of pummelos! (Giggles, points.)  
Shanny: And how. (Fischer kicks him in the head and he passes out.)  
Larionov: He never learns, does he.


	70. Lost Goalie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When arguably the best backup in the NHL gets lost, what's a team to do?

-The Wings are in the airport, on their way back to Detroit-  
Chelios: Goalie check. (Puts suitcase onto conveyor belt.)  
CuJo: I'm here.  
McDonald: So am I!  
Chelios: (Scowls.) Shouldn't you be in the minors right now?  
McDonald: I stowed away in the luggage. (Hangs head in shame.)  
Chelios: That's what I thought. Get lost, kid! (Chases him off.)  
Shanny: Where's Manny?  
Chelios: I don't know. Wasn't that goalie who I just chased off Manny?  
Shanny: No, that was Joey McDonald.  
Larionov: Can't you tell our goalies apart?  
Chelios: (Frowns.) No, I'm color blind.  
Larionov: That's irrelevant. What's relevant is that we've lost Manny.  
Fischer: Ooooh, all these big words are making my head hurt. (Holds head in hands.) Ohhhh.  
Larionov: (Pats him on the back, comfortingly.)  
Fedorov: (Pouts.) What are we going to do without our number one goalie?  
CuJo: (Eyes Fedorov, clears throat.)  
Fedorov: Frog in your throat?  
CuJo: (Puzzled.) Um, yes. (Sighs.)  
Stevie: So, what are we gonna do?  
McCarty: Ya know, I could play goalie!  
Stevie: You're out with an infected elbow, you can't play!  
McCarty: It's cured!  
Stevie: You're not even on the roster right now, bumhole.  
McCarty: (Face falls.)  
Boyd: Why don't we just go look for him?  
Shanny: Nope, too hard.  
Stevie: We'd better go look for him. That's one million that's eating up our payroll.  
CuJo: You forget that I'm here.  
Stevie: Oh, no, I know you're here, Cujo. (Pauses.) Now, how to get Manny back...  
-Meanwhile-  
Legace: So, when do we get back to Detroit, Igor?  
Man: I'm not Igor, and we're not going to Detroit.  
Legace: Uh, then where are we going? (Worriedly.)  
Man: Abu Dhabi.  
Legace: (Looks at ticket stub.) Aw shit!  
-Back in Washington-  
Larionov: Maybe he got on the wrong plane?  
Stevie: How could you be that stupid as to get on the wrong plane? (Scoffs.)  
Shanny: (Coughs.) Uh remember that one time that I got lost and I wound up in Hillbilly country?  
Stevie: (Sighs.) I was trying to make a point.  
Shanny: Oh, right. (Chuckles.)  
Fischer: Ah screw it, we'll miss our flight back to Detroit! We can always buy a new goalie at the trade deadline!  
Avery: You know, he's right!  
Fischer: (Beams.)  
Stevie: (Sighs.) All in favor of leaving Manny behind and just buying a new goalie, say aye.  
All: Aye.  
Voice: Nay.  
Stevie: Who said that? (Looks around, no one says anything.)  
-Meanwhile, back on the plane to Abu Dhabi-  
Man: So you invented flavored condoms, eh?  
Legace: (Nods.) And I invented those pleasure ridges too.  
Man: Oh. (Pause.) I hate those.  
Legace: In that case, I didn't invent them.  
Man: (Shrugs.) Whatever. I think you'll enjoy it in Abu Dhabi.  
Legace: I hope so. It had better be worth all this trouble.  
Man: Hey, isn't that you on TV? (Points to the inflight TV screen.)  
Reporter: ... and the Detroit Red Wings are asking if anyone has seen this man -  
-An image of a milk carton with Manny's picture on it flashes on the screen-  
Reporter: - please call 1-800-LOSTGOALIE.  
Legace: (Slumps in seat and hides face.)  
-On a plane to Detroit-  
Stevie: (Waving cell phone.) Someone spotted him on a plane to Abu Dhabi!  
Fischer: What's he doing going to France?  
Stevie: Abu Dhabi's in the Middle East, Fisch, not France.  
Fischer: (Narrows eyes.) Are you sure?  
Stevie: Yes. Anyway, he's been detained by airport police for causing a ruckus.  
Shanny: A ruckus, eh?  
Stevie: He was babbling about how he invented flavored condoms, and hit a man.  
CuJo: Does this mean I get to keep the starting job?  
Stevie: For now, yes.  
CuJo: (Pumps fist in air.) YES! God still loves me!


	71. The Trouble With Goalies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Manny is traumatized after the flight to Abu Dhabi, Curtis is trying to find ways to escape, and Stevie doesn't know how to spell.
> 
> I think I stole the AC/DC joke from somewhere. There is a joke about cults too.

Stevie: (Doing a crossword puzzle.) How do you spell ACDC?  
Shanny: Uh, A C D C, I guess?  
Holmström: You forgot the lightning bolt thingy in the middle!  
Shanny: A lightning bolt isn't a letter, Homer.  
Holmström: It is in the Swedish dictionary.  
Zetterberg: It is not!  
Holmström: Well, how would you know? You didn't graduate college!  
Hull: Actually, I don't think any of us did.  
Larionov: I did.  
Hull: You did?  
Larionov: I took night courses at the University of Berlin during the lockout of 1994. I got a double major in physics and biochemistry, and double minored in psychology and Ancient Latin.  
Fischer: You lie, you dog!  
Larionov: (Whips out diploma.)   
Fischer: Oh that's in German, I can't read that.  
Lidström: It says he graduated magna cum laude -   
Hull: (Giggles.) Cum, hee hee.  
Larionov: Not like THAT, you moron. Adversus solem ne loquitor.  
Hull: What did you just call me?  
Larionov: It doesn't matter, at least we retrieved Manny.  
Legace: (Shivers, twitches.)   
Stevie: Poor guy.  
Shanny: He'll be fine. It's CUJO I'm worried about. (Looks at CuJo, who is watching him from the corner of the lockerroom, suspiciously.)  
CuJo: (Sees Shanny watching him.) Damn they're on to me! (Ducks behind water cooler.)  
Shanny: He keeps getting weirder and weirder... (Shrugs.)  
Stevie: Yeah, I've noticed that myself.  
CuJo: (Puts on camouflage face paint, clears throat.) Anyone who comes near my net, they'll get an ass full of goalie paddle! Hiiiiiiiyaaaaa! (Karate chops at Shanny.)  
Shanny: (Leaps out of the way.) Heyyy, careful!  
Legace: (Twitch.)  
Stevie: Yeah, so, I think we need an emergency replacement goalie.  
Maltby: I'll do it!  
Stevie: We need you on the penalty kill.  
Maltby: Screw the penalty kill!  
Stevie: No, Kirk. (Firmly.)  
Duchesne: I can do it!  
Stevie: (Raises eyebrow.) Didn't you retire?  
Duchesne: (Shifty eyes.) Noooo.  
Fedorov: Ahhh just put Manny in! He's fine! (Slaps Manny on the back heartily.)  
Legace: AAAAIE!!! (Leaps into the air.)  
Fedorov: A little jumpy, but overall, fine.  
Fischer: Ohhhh what is that horrible smell?  
Legace: I threw up on myself.  
Stevie: (Sighs.) Do I have to do everything myself? (Begins to pull on goalie pads.)  
Fischer: Yay for Super Stevie!  
Stevie: (Sighs.) How many times do I have to tell you I'm not a superhero, Fishy?  
Fischer: You'll never convince me! (Squees.)  
Stevie: (Sighs, rolls eyes.)  
-Later on-  
Man: (Enters lockerroom, holding CuJo by the back of his jersey.) I believe this - (he shakes CuJo) - is yours?  
Stevie: What was he doing out of the lockerroom?  
Man: He was trying to escape through an air vent.  
Stevie: Curtis!  
CuJo: Sorry. (Wipes off camouflage paint. Speaks to self.) Back to the drawing board, my friend.  
Shanny: We should tether you to the nets so you can't go escaping on us anymore!  
CuJo: You cannot cage a butterfly.  
Shanny: Actually, you can. Have you ever been in the Butterfly House?  
CuJo: (Sighs.)  
Fedorov: Anyway, did we ever find out what happened to Manny?  
Draper: No.  
Fedorov: Don't you care?  
Draper: (Thinks.) Actually, I really don't, come to think of it.  
Fedorov: Ah neither do I. I was just trying to appear concerned and brotherly.  
Draper: You almost had me fooled, Freds.  
Fedorov: I almost fooled myself.   
Stevie: (Removes goalie pads.) I'm not cut out for this goalie business. (Hands them to CuJo.)  
CuJo: Wait, I can't go! I uh, have a flu! Yeah, a flu! COUGH! COUGH!  
McCarty: And SO believable too, Cujo.  
CuJo: (Scowls.) COUGH! You jerk! Don't mock my cold! (Shakes fist.)  
Referee: (Pokes head into lockerroom.) Five minutes, boys.  
CuJo: *SHRIEK* FIVE MINUTES! (Pulls at hair.)  
McCarty: Did he just - dare I say - shriek?  
Shanny: (Nods.) I think he did, man.  
Stevie: (Pats CuJo on the back.) You'll be fine.  
CuJo: (Sneaks cell phone into his leg pad.) Heh heh, I'll be fine all right. Heh heh.  
Draper: I so do not trust the look on his face right now.  
Maltby: Me neither, but he's our best option. (Looks at Manny, who is as white as a sheet and spazzing.)  
Hull: Come on, Manny, tell us what happened on the plane ride to Abu Dhabi!  
Legace: (Shiver.) It's so horrible, too horrible for words. (Nods.) Yes too horrible for words.  
Stevie: If you don't spit it out, I'll beat it out of you.  
Legace: Eeep! Well, it all started like this...  
::Flashback::  
Legace: (Wandering around Dulles Airport with his luggage and a lei.) Uh guys? Guys?  
Stranger: Hey there, would you like enlightenment through Jesus?  
Legace: Jesus?  
Stranger: Yeah, Jesus Jones, our spiritual leader. (Points to a hippie with long blond hair, wearing a tunic.)  
Legace: Uhhh, I don't think I should join any more cults.  
Stranger: Sorry dude, your loss. We're a really cool cult.  
Legace: That's what they all say, pal. (Sighs, boards plane.)  
::End flashback::  
Fedorov: So you got solicited by a prostitute?  
Legace: No not a prostitute, a guy recruiting for some weird hippie cult.  
Draper: And why would that scare you? (Looks at Devereaux.) Boyd belongs to five cults and he's all well adjusted and stuff.  
Legace: Does this mean I have to play tonight?  
Lewis: Yes.  
-Later on, on the ice-  
Larionov: (He and Fischer are having a discussion.) We've discussed this ad nauseum, Fischy. You can't come back until your knee is all healed up.  
Fischer: Who is this Ed Nauseum?  
Larionov: What?  
Fischer: You're all like, "We've discussed this with Ed Nauseum and you can't come back until your knee is healed up", and I'm like, "Who is this guy, and how come I haven't met him?"  
Larionov: Oh, you mean 'ad nauseum'.  
Fischer: Then who is Ed?  
Larionov: There IS no Ed.  
Fischer: You mean he's another one of my imaginary friends?  
Shanny: (Interrupts before Larionov can speak.) Everyone has a special imaginary friend called Ed, Fishy! I thought you knew that! (Looks at his shoulder.) Hi Ed!  
Fischer: (Grins.) Well, I do now! (Runs off.)  
Larionov: You really should stop doing that to him.  
Shanny: I know, but it's so fun.  
Larionov: So is hitting up mobsters for loans, but that doesn't mean it's smart.  
Shanny: Remind me never to ask a loan from Little Vito ever again. I had cement in crevices even *I* didn't know I had.  
Larionov: (Shudders.) Please don't remind me.  
Shanny: Sorry, Iggy.


	72. Return of the King - Er, Captain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stevie comes back, and the team settles an internal problem with a West Side Story-like dance off.
> 
> I stole a joke.
> 
> There is a Lord of the Ring joke. Among other things.

-Enter lockerrom, prior to game v. LA-  
Shanny: ... and, I said to him, "If sunflower oil's made of sunflowers and peanut oil's made of peanuts, what's baby oil made of?" He didn't have an answer for that. Ha, I showed him! (Laughs and points in the air.)  
Luc: You sure did. (Sighs, eyeroll.)  
Shanny: Are you mocking your captain?  
Luc: But you're not our captain!  
Shanny: I am! I have a contract right here that says I am! (Holds out a piece of paper.)  
Luc: "I Stevie Y. hereby give my captaincy to Brendan Shanahan, the love of my loins, the Laverne to my Shirley, the Mary to my Rhoda - Brendan, I am not signing this piece of cra - " and it stops there. (Luc rolls his eyes.) Some binding contract, eh Bren.  
Shanny: Well, he still wrote it! It's valid! (Takes it away from Luc.) Yoink!  
-Enter Stevie, in uniform-  
Stevie: Brendan, are you trying to usurp my power - again?  
Shanny: STEVIE?! You're back?! (Yelps.)  
All: STEVIE! (Run to him and hug him.)  
Stevie: OW! My knee!!!!! (Falls to ground.)  
Holmström: I'm sorry, Stevie! (Shrieks.)  
Stevie: (From ground, cackling.) HAHA! I fooled you good!  
Boyd: That SO was not funny, Stevie!  
Stevie: I am GOOD! (Leaps to his feet.) I had you all fooled! Booya! (Pumps fist.)  
Shanny: That was an evil thing to do.  
Stevie: But it was funny, too, right? (Grins.)  
Luc: Yeah, it was funny! HA! HA! HA! (Forced laughter.) I'm so glad you're back, Aragorn!  
Stevie: My name isn't Aragorn. It's Stevie.  
Luc: Oh, yeah, sorry. I forgot.   
Stevie: (Sighs.) I was only gone for eight months, you idiots.  
Boyd: Hey, Steve, you gonna score some goals for us and win us tonight's game, right?  
Stevie: Sure, whatever you say, Boyd.  
Brett: Dude, we so should have a bachelor auction.  
Shanny: What brought THAT on?  
Brett: (Shrugs.) It might be fun.  
Boyd: But Hullie, you're not even single! (Laughs.)  
Brett: They don't know that.  
Shanny: Who'd want YOU anyway?  
Brett: (Scowls.) LOTS of womens! That's who! More than who want you!  
Shanny: (Hangs head in shame.)  
Avery: We could use it to buy whores!  
Shanny: No whores, Chode!  
Avery: (Pouts.)  
Fischer: This could be cool! My mom always says I'm a real catch! (Beams.)  
Stevie: You, a catch? (Chuckles.)  
Fischer: Hee hee hee. (Long pause.) Heyyy!  
Avery: Isn't this the same as whoring, Stevie?  
Stevie: You're not supposed to actually SLEEP with them, Chode.  
Avery: You tell me that NOW, why don't you? (Shakes head.)  
Stevie: (Sighs.)  
Shanny: I'd SO go like wildfire! (Snaps fingers.) Like THAT!  
Fedorov: You SO would not! Everyone knows I'd go first! (Flips hair.)  
Shanny: Only because you slept your way to the top!  
Fedorov: (Snarl.) Bitch all you want! You know I'd go first!  
Stevie: (Rolls eyes.) Guys, come on...  
-Fedorov and Shanahan are snarling at one another-  
Boyd: Fighting causes lockerroom discord!  
Shanny: SHUT UP, BOYDLET! (Sharply.)  
Boyd: (Hangs head in shame.)  
Avery: It'd probably just be a bunch of pervy old ladies, anyway.  
Maltby: I thought that was the point, Chode.  
Avery: (Narrows eyes at Maltby.) You would, Kirk, you would.  
Maltby: (Grins.) Are you implying that I'm irresistibly handsome?  
Avery: No, I'm implying that you're a slut.  
Maltby: (Prepares to pounce, then stops.) Oh wait, I am. (Dusts himself off.)  
Avery: (A heavy sigh.)  
Stevie: This might actually be a good idea... Who'd have imagined it: a Hull idea that didn't involve strippers and buckets of chicken? (Amazed.)  
Brett: (Grins.) I am smart.  
Shanny: Attaboy, as long as you believe that, pal. (Pats him on the shoulder.)  
-Later on-  
Budd Lynch: Our first bachelor enjoys spending all his free time on the Internet and partaking in Dungeons and Dragons role playing games.  
-Enter Shanny-  
Fans: *SHRIEK* WE LOVE YOU SHANNY!  
Lynch: The bidding starts off at ten bucks, do I hear ten bucks?  
Old Lady: (Raises hand.) Ten bucks right here!  
Old Lady2: Fifteen!  
Shanny: (Looks nervous.) It's just a bunch of old bitties!  
Avery: (Whispers.) They're sizing us up like slabs of meat! (Pause.) And I think I like it.  
-Backstage-  
Boyd: (Johnny Wharton is putting his makeup on.) Midget wrestling should SO be an Olympic event.  
Brett: And YOU wonder why the hot chicks don't like you?  
Boyd: (Shrugs.) WHAT? Midget wrestling is a legitimate sport! As legitimate as curling!  
Brett: (Sighs, rolls eyes, adjusts his bowtie.) Whatever, Floyd.  
Boyd: My name's Boyd.  
Brett: That's what I said, Boyd.  
Boyd: No, you definitely said "Floyd".  
Brett: I didn't, I said Boyd.  
Boyd: I know what I heard, Brett. you said Floyd.  
Dandenault: (Comes up to Brett and Boyd.) Uh guys, you two are next. Shanny went to a fifty-seven year old grannie with an arthritic hip.  
Boyd: (Swallows hard.)  
-Later on, on stage-  
Lynch: Next up is Brett Hull, who enjoys spending time with strippers, and eating buckets of fried chicken.  
Brett: (Comes on to the stage.)  
-Crickets chirp-  
Lynch: Bidding will start at ... five bucks.  
Old Lady: Fifty cents!  
Lynch: SOLD to the lady for fifty cents!  
Brett: But you can't - I'm worth more than - you little - hey! (The old lady drags him off the stage by his ear.)  
Old Lady: You're mine NOW, sonny boy! Have you ever read the Kama Sutra?  
Brett: HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP! (His voice trails off.)  
-Behind the curtains-  
Luc: Whoa, that old hag was vicious!  
Datsyuk: *For once in my life, I am scared.*  
Larionov: What, you're scared, Pavel?  
Datsyuk: Huh what? I not say that! (Shifty eyes.)  
Fedorov: (Stomps.) I am SO the hottest Red Wing!  
Shanny: You ain't got nothin' on me, buddy! I'M the hottest!  
Fedorov: *I* am!  
Fischer: Guys, guys, simmer down now. (Holds up hands.) We all know I'M the hottest Wing. (Fedorov and Shanahan growl at him.) Or maybe not. (Slinks off.)  
Stevie: You guys, would you please cut this out? It's extremely ridiculous - and all at once, oddly arousing.  
Boyd: Wow Steve, you say the silliest stuff!  
Stevie: Yeah. Silly, that's right. (Chuckles nervously.)  
Luc: I know a way to settle this little dispute, boys!  
Shanny: What's your idea, Luc?   
Luc: (Whispers in Brendan's ear.)  
Shanny: I Brendan Frederick Shanahan challenge you, Sergei Viktorovich Fedorov to a duel!  
All: (GASP.)  
Fischer: A duel?! NO! (Wails.)  
Shanny: A duel - West Side Story style! (Does an Irish jig for the boys' benefit.)  
Draper: That was dumb.  
Shanny: Shut up!  
Fedorov: Hah, you think you can outdance me, Canadian?  
Shanny: I sure as hell do, RUSSIAN! (Jigs.) The one who is deemed the best dancer by a panel of judges is the cutest Red Wing!  
Boyd: How does a dance-off determine who is the hottest Wing? That logic so totally does not make sense, Brendan.  
Shanny: Shut you up! This made perfect sense in my brain!  
Wallin: Stupid brain heh heh.  
Shanny: I'll ignore you now. (Turns to Fedorov.) Are you ready to feel the heat of the feet? (Jigs.)  
McCarty: Dude, I'm sorry, but Drapes was right.  
Shanny: Do you want to know who's the hottest Red Wing or not, Mac?  
McCarty: (Sighs.) Carry on.  
Stevie: That's MY line! (Pause.) Carry on.  
Shanny: (Takes off his suit coat and puts it aside. Unbuttons his shirt.)  
Fischer: WOOOOOOO! WOOOO!  
Shanny: (Glares at him.) Are you wooing at me, Jiri?  
Fischer: No.  
Shanny: Do not woo at me. (Takes off shirt and rips off the sleeve, tying it into a bandana a la Michael Flatley.)  
McCarty: Dude, I am certain you're infringing like twenty five copyright laws right now.  
Shanny: That stupid Lord of the Dance guy didn't trademark bandanas and Irish jigs, now did he? (Begins to jig.)  
Fischer: Go Shanny, go Shanny, it's your birthday! It's your birthday!  
Stevie: (Eats popcorn.) This is so engrossing.  
Avery: To me, it's just plain gross.  
Brett: You just want to see Shanny with his shirt off, you pervy lech.  
Stevie: Watch who's calling whom a lech, Mr. I-Can-Do-A-Myriad-Of-Things-With-A-Stripper-Pole.  
Brett: Hey! That was a dark period in my life that we don't talk about anymore!  
Stevie: That'll learn you not to mess with Stevie Y!  
Brett: Whatever, anyway, we're missing the show.  
Shanny: (Performing uncomfortable looking groin lunges.)  
Boyd: He almost looks like Bruce Springsteen in this lighting, with that bandana in his hair and his chest gleaming with sweat.  
Stevie: (Moves closer to Brett.) That was more than a little creepy...  
Shanny: The end. (Bows.)  
All: (Applaud wildly.)  
Fedorov: Okay now it's MY turn! (Puts on a red leather jacket and one white glove.)  
Brett: Oh. My. God.  
Fedorov: I'm putting on a black fedora at a jaunty angle, everyone! Look! A jaunty angle!  
Fischer: (Shudders.) I am loathe to think what poor Bubbles went through!  
Fedorov: No Jacko bashing, you creeps! He's just misunderstood! Like Frankenstein's monster, and me! (Begins to dance to "Bad". Grabs crotch.) YOW!  
Stevie: (Jumps up.) I'm ending this right now. Brendan wins, Sergei, you have scorched my retinas with your rendition of Michael Jackson's "Bad". (Gives Brendan his popcorn.) Congratulations.  
Shanny: Yay! I win! (Munches on popcorn.)  
Fischer: And how. (Nothing bad happens to him, grins.)  
Shanny: Uh - (A giant foot, a la Monty Python stomps on him.)


	73. The Sexiest Sports Team in America

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team is named People Magazine's Sexiest Sports Team, but will egos rear their ugly heads?

Stevie: (Reading fan mail.) Hey guys, we were named People's Sexiest Sports Team! (Waves letter.)  
Fischer: Cool beans! I KNEW all my write-in votes for the presidency would finally count for SOMETHING!  
Fedorov: (Preens.) Now THIS sounds like something I can do!  
Stevie: Don't we have a game versus Toronto tonight?  
Boyd: It doesn't matter! This is IMPORTANT!  
Fischer: Oooooh this is so exciting! I've never won anything before!   
Chelios: Fish, you won a Stanley Cup, remember?  
Fischer: No I don't. Anyway, this is SO cooler than winning a big piece of tin! (Squeals.)  
Avery: He's right.  
Chelios: You're just bitter that you weren't actually on the ice to win the Cup.  
Avery: I so am not! I just think a Sexiest Sports Team photo shoot would SO be cooler.  
Maltby: You chump.  
Avery: Hey, like a chump! Hey, like a chump! Hey, like a chump! Hey, like a chump!   
Maltby: (Smacks him upside his head. Gets weird looks.) He was SKIPPING.  
-Later on, at studio-  
Wallin: Wow, look at all the hot chicks!  
Phot‘ographer: The hot chicks will be posing with you. (Puts sombreros on Jesse, Sean and Jiri.) Ok, now put on your matador costumes.  
Fischer: (Begins to unbutton his jeans.) You know, as dumb as I am, I'm pretty sure matadors don't wear sombreros.  
Photographer: Never you mind.  
-Enter hot chicks dressed in flamenco style bikinis-  
Shanny: (Holds up an old-fashioned judge's wig.) Somehow, I'm thinking that we got screwed. (To Stevie and Brett, also in judge's garb.)  
Brett: Hear ye, hear yet, I demand some hot chicks!  
-Enter hot chicks in police uniforms-  
Shanny: Woo hoo! (Puts arm around a hot chick.)  
Hot Chick: You're not supposed to touch us.  
Shanny: D'oh.  
Boyd: I don't believe this! I'm surrounded by hot chicks! (Wearing a pirate outfit.)  
Datsyuk: (Puts on eye pat.) *This is beneath me.*  
Dandeault: Ahoy, me maties! (Has a fake parrot on his shoulder.  
Boyd: Dandy, stop it, you're scaring me.  
Datsyuk: *You poor dumb animal.*  
Dandenault: Hey Pavs, looking good and piratey‘, if I do say so myself! (Grins.)  
Datsyuk: Trachnitye vas!  
Dandenault: Thanks for the thoughts, Pavs! (Grins.)  
Brett: I wish there was another, eviler Brett on the team so that I could be the good one.  
Shanny: Not bloody likely.  
Dandenault: Did you know that harsh winter winds can leave even covered skin itchy and dry?  
Brett: Eh? (Arches eyebrow at Dandy.)  
Dandenault: Don't mind me. I've been watching too many infomercials since my girlfriend dumped me.  
Brett: Oh yeah, I forgot. (Long awkward pause.) Sorry.  
Dandenault: I just told you fifteen minutes ago.  
Brett: Ohhhhh, HER! I remember now! The one with the great mouth!  
Dandenault: Huh what?  
Brett: (Innocently.) Oh nothing. (Whistles.)  
-Enter Fischer-  
Maltby: Dude, Fish, what happened to your face?  
Fischer: (Winces.) Remind me never to grab a hot chick's bum.  
Shanny: It's ass, Fishy, not bum.  
Fischer: My mom said never to use bad words.  
Brett: Guess she didn't tell you anything about sexual harassment then, eh?  
Fischer: What's harassment?  
Brett: Here, I'll demonstrate on you. (Grab's Fischer's ass and pinches.)  
Fischer: OW! (Sniffles.) That hurt.  
Brett: (Sighs.) Now don't start on a crying jag on me. (Pets him.)  
Fischer: (Wipes face on his poofy sleeve.) I'm a matador, a freaking matador in a freaking sombrero.  
Shanny: Well, you think YOU have it rough? I'M a pervy old judge!  
Luc: I don't know how *I* wound up as the French maid, but this is so unfair. (Waves feather duster, sighing unhappily.)  
Lewis: I look like I stepped off the cover of a Village People album cover. (Dressed as cop.)  
Brett: (Stifles a snicker.) Nice look for ya, coach.  
Lewis: One more peep out of you and you're benched!  
-A long silence, and then...-  
Brett: (Quietly.) Peep.  
Lewis: Ok that's it! You're benched for the game against the Leafs!   
Brett: NO FAIR! You can't do that! I'm Brett Freaking Hull! (Quietly.) I legally changed my middle name to Freaking when I got drunk in Vegas last summer.   
Lewis: (Stomps off angrily.) I can, and I have!  
Brett: But he CAN'T bench me! I stipulated in my contract that I can't be benched! (Whips his contract out of his pocket.)  
Stevie: You guys carry your contracts around in your pockets?  
Shanny: Of course. (Pulls out his contract.) Wow, I should have looked at this thing before! It says I'm allowed conjugal visits in the penalty box!  
Draper: (Pulls out contract.) Says here that I don't have to participate in anyone's harebrained schemes. (Flings off leather Chippendale's vest.) I'm out. (Leaves.)  
Maltby: Mine says there's gold buried under my locker stall! (Looks around suspiciously.) Don't any of you steal my gold! I'm looking at YOU, Homer! (Holmström leaps.)  
Holmström: Don't look at ME, Kirk!  
Maltby: I've got my eye on you, gold thief. (Narrows eyes.)  
Holmström: (Slinks away.)  
-Later on, back in the lockerroom prior to the game versus Toronto-  
Stevie: Okay, where's Kirk? (In hallway leading to ice.)  
McCarty: How the hell am I supposed to know? Am I his keeper?!  
Stevie: I dunno, I always assumed that you were. (Shrug.)  
McCarty: Well, okay. I can see how you would make that mistake. (Shrug.) But I haven't seen him since we got back from the photo shoot.  
-Loud noises coming from the lockerroom-  
All: (Run back in.)  
Shanny: Kirk, what in blazes are you doing?  
Maltby: I'm looking for the hidden gold!   
Holmström: What if it was just Mr. I playing a trick on you?  
Maltby: (Puts down power drill.) Y'know, I never thought about that. (Long pause.) That thieving old bastard!  
Shanny: And how. (A flying sombrero hits him in the head and knocks him out.)


	74. It's War!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's war between Chris Cheerios and Todd Bersnoozy - uh, that is, Chris Chelios and Todd Bertuzzi.
> 
> I just look at how many words I put into this thing and cry.

Chelios: Todd Bertuzzi is really starting to worry me.  
Shanny: (Taping up stick.) Why?  
Chelios: I just got this weird email from him. (Clears throat.) Ahem. "To My Big Fat Greek Defenseman - You better be watching your back! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" What the - (A snowball hits him in the face before he can finish his sentence.)  
Delivery Boy: That was express delivery from Vancouver, BC. Sign here please. (Holds up clipboard.) And that'll be fifty four bucks, plus a tip.  
Chelios: (Spluttering.) Get the hell out of here! I'm not paying for that! (Shoves him out of lockerroom.) THIS IS WAR!  
-Meanwhile, in Vancouver-  
Linden: Todd, you got this present in the mail! (Hands Bertuzzi a box.)  
Bertuzzi: Oh, my mom still DOES love me! (Opens it. A pie smashes him in the face.) BAAAH!!!!!  
Cloutier: HA HA HA! (Winces.) Ow, it hurts to laugh.  
Bertuzzi: Then don't! Get me a freaking towel! (Someone throws a towel at him, wipes his face off.)  
Linden: Who would do such a thing, Bert?  
Bertuzzi: This has Chris Chelios written all over it!  
Morrison: How can you be sure, though?  
Bertuzzi: He wrote 'Chris Chelios, care of the Joe Louis Arena' as his return address. (Points to return address.) This is WAR!  
-Meanwhile, back in Detroit-  
Chelios: (Storms into lockerroom with purple hair.)  
Stevie: What the - ?  
Chelios: Remember that new shampoo I got in the mail? (Stevie nods.) Well it wasn't a free sample from Tresemmé AFTER all!  
All: (Eye him weirdly.)  
Chelios: That's not relevant! (Holds up bottle.) Well, I peeled off the label and LOOK! (Pulls off label to reveal: "To Cheli-HO, Love Todd".)  
Stevie: So your hair is permanently purple?  
-Enter Lidström-  
Lidström: (Unfurls a banner.) I made this on my IMac last night.  
-banner reads "Zetterburg for Rookie of the Year"-  
Larionov: Uh Nick, I hate to burst your bubble, but his name is spelled Z-E-T-T-E-R-B-E-R-G, not Z-E-T-T-E-R-B-U-R-G.  
Lidström: (Looks down at his sign.) D'oh! (Crumples it.)  
Zetterberg: I'm still trailing Tyler Arnason by two points.  
Shanny: Stop being so modest, Zata! You're going to be rookie of the year!  
Williams: Can I start calling you ROY now?  
Zetterberg: No. (Looks at Chelios.) What happened to your hair, Chelly?   
Chelios: Bertuzzi happened to my hair, that's what!  
Zetterberg: Looks good. I want a Bertuzzi too. Where'd you get it done?  
Chelios: A Bertuzzi isn't a hairstyle, Zata! Todd Bertuzzi tainted my bottle of shampoo! (Stomps off.)  
Shanny: Does anyone mind my saying he looks really really dumb with purple hair?  
Stevie: No, 'cuz it's true.  
Zetterberg: I want purple hair.  
Datsyuk: No you don't.  
Draper: *I* do.  
Stevie: Forget the hair dyeing. We've got more important things to worry about. Like winning games. And shoveling my driveway.  
-Meanwhile, back in Vancouver-  
Morrison: So did you guys hear what happened to Bert last night?  
NŸaslund: No, what happened?  
Morrison: That prick Chelios ordered a stripper in Bert's name and sent her to his wife Julie's work.  
Naslund: This is getting ridiculous.  
Morrison: I know, but Trevor and I have a bet riding on who wins this battle of the wills.  
Naslund: You actually placed a bet on Todd's head?  
Morrison: I couldn't resist.  
Naslund: (Shakes head.)  
-Enter Bertuzzi-  
Bertuzzi: (Has rings under his eyes.) I had to sleep on the couch last night. Julie totally bitched me out. And I didn't even do a freaking thing with that stripper! (Pouts.) And how I wanted to, oh how I wanted to.  
Naslund: We heard.  
Bertuzzi: Chelios is going DOWN!!!! (Stomps feet and points to the floor.) Down down. DOWN!  
-Back in Detroit-  
Stevie: Who put Geritol in my locker?!  
Shanny: Wasn't me! No sirree! (Pause, a laugh.) Hee, I made a rhyme!  
Stevie: (Shakes head, chucks Geritol into trash.)  
Chelios: (Enters lockerroom.)  
Shanny: That purple hair does nothing for you, man.  
Chelios: Did I ask you for an opinion? NO! (Snippily.)  
Dandenault: Did Bertuzzi try anything else?  
Chelios: Not that I know of - (As he stands up to retrieve his jersey from his locker, a pie hits him in the face.) ARGH!!!!!!!!! BERTUZZI!!!!!!!!  
Draper: (Raises hand sheepishly.) Acutally, Chelly, that was me.  
Chelios: (Wipes of face.) REALLY funny Drapes. (Glowers.)  
Draper: (Brightens.) Thanks, it WAS pretty funny, if I do say so myself.  
-Enter Robitaille-  
Luc: They accidentally delivered this to my house. (Holds up a letter addressed to Chelios.)  
Chelios: We don't even live in the same CITY. How the hell could they deliver it to your house?  
Luc: (Hangs head in shame.) Enough with the third degree. I stole it from your mailbox. You happy?! (Hands letter to Chelios.)  
Chelios: "Dear Cheerios, thanks a lot for pissing my wife off at me. I'm going to kill you while you sleep, old man." (Pause.) Cheerios?  
Stevie: I say we end this feud now! (Jumps up to his feet.) OW!  
All: (Jump nervously.)  
Stevie: Just kidding, just kidding.  
-Back at GM Place-  
~Peter Skudra runs in screaming in Latvian~  
Naslund: Whoa, whoa, Petey, what's going on?!  
Skudra: *We're under attack by the Soviets!*  
Naslund: Uh, we're in Vancouver.  
Skudra: *Guys in red shirts are firing on us!*  
-Enter Chubarov-  
Chubarov: Not Russians, Red Wings. Here for Bert.  
-Enter Wings-  
Bertuzzi: How the fuck did you get past security?!  
Stevie: That's irrelevant. What IS relevant is that we want this stupid feud to end.  
Bertuzzi: Ok, on one condition. Make Cheli-HO apologize. And retire!  
Chelios: Retirement is not an option, Ber-SNOOZY.  
Bertuzzi: I'll settle for you taking off your stupid had so my teammates can see your new hair-do. (Smirks.)  
Chelios: That I can do. (Takes off hat.)  
Bertuzzi: What did you do to your HAIR?! I thought it was purple!  
Chelios: (Fluffs his newly black hair.) It was, that is, it was until I dyed it back this morning.  
Stevie: Okay the feud is over! Let's go now!  
Bertuzzi: But his hair isn't purple! I get a redo!  
Chelios: You only said you wanted to see my hair. You didn't specify what color. I'm out of here, boys. (Leaves.)  
Bertuzzi: (Yells after him.) You prick!  
-Red Wings begin to exit-  
Stevie: (To self.) I've always wanted to do this. (To Bertuzzi.) You'll be sorry you ever crossed Steve Yzerman! (Pumps fist in air.) YAAAAAH! (Runs off.)  
Bertuzzi: (Scratches head.) Dude. Those guys are WEIRD.  
Morrison: And how. (A lighting fixture falls on his head.) Ow.


	75. A Note From the Doctor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team plots to overthrow Shanny, pending Stevie's return to hockey. This is stupid.
> 
> I stole a line from the Simpsons according to my original notes.

-Enter Fischer, skipping happily-  
Fischer: Hey guys, I can play! My knee's all better!  
Shanny: Let me see your note!  
Fischer: Note?  
Shanny: I need to see your note from your doctor before I let you play!  
Fischer: You don't run the team, Stevie does!  
Shanny: Well, then where's your note from Stevie?  
Fischer: (Pulls out a piece of paper.)   
Shanny: (Frowns.) Fishy, this is a fake.  
Fischer: How can you tell?  
Shanny: You spelled Stevie's name "Izurmenn".  
Fischer: Oops. (Rips up note.) Nuts to that.  
Shanny: Go back to the pressbox, you! (Shakes fist.)  
Fischer: Eeps! (Scampers off.)  
Boyd: Gee Shanny, you were a little harsh with him, weren't you?  
Shanny: You have to be these days, Boyd. Those kids don't know any better.  
Fedorov: (Raises eyebrow.) Who died and made YOU king?  
Shanny: STEVIE did, that's who! Don't question my authority! (Shakes fist at Fedorov.)  
Fedorov: No need to get uppity.  
Shanny: Stevie named me the leader in his absence, so you'd better listen to me!  
Brett: I can't wait until Stevie gets back! Shanny's a hockey Nazi! (Under his breath.)  
Dandenault: I say we usurp him.  
Larionov: (Reading "How to Stage a Successful Coup".) That I can do.  
Lidström: Guys, no coups. We can last a couple days before Stevie comes back.  
Legace: I don't know how much more of Commandant Shanny - (clicks heels and salutes) - I can take.  
CuJo: Why don't we hogtie him and lock him in Paul Boyer's equipment room?  
Avery: I'm pretty sure that's illegal.  
CuJo: Not if we put him back.  
Avery: Actually, I think it's still fairly illegal.  
CuJo: You're probably right. Back to the ole drawing board, mes amis. (Ponders, scratching his chin.)  
Zetterberg: (Looks up.) Hey guys? Where is Homer?  
Boyd: He's...resting  
Zetterberg: 'Resting' hung-over? 'Resting' got fired? Help me out here.  
Boyd: (Looks at Holmström, sleeping in his locker wearing a party hat.) Uh. He's just resting.  
Legace: Can't believe he went out and got wasted before our game versus LA!  
Holmström: (Stirs in his 'sleep', aka drunken stupor.) Mmph...don't touch me there, Anders. (Kicks legs.)  
Fedorov: (Arches eyebrow.)  
Legace: Okay, whatever. I want Stevie back. This has gone on long enough.  
Draper: (Sighs unhappily.) Don't we all.  
Fedorov: Not ME. I actually ENJOY getting more ice time.  
-Enter Maltby-  
Maltby: I just got the issue of People, with us in it! (Waves it enthusiastically.)  
McCarty: Oooh! Let me see! Let me see! (Grabs it from Kirk and flips it open.) Oh wow. These photos are vaguely pornographic.  
Chelios: The photographer said smearing Vaseline on the lens would make them look classy and understated.  
Dandenault: Oh, Mac, there's you in your fireman outfit! (Points.)  
Draper: You have a big hose.  
All: (Look at Draper.)  
Draper: I meant the HOSE hose. Not his flesh hose.  
Maltby: Ew!   
McCarty: FLESH hose?!  
Draper: Sorry, guys. (Sighs.)  
Maltby: You're SICK, that's what! (Scowls.)  
-Enter Kuznetsov-   
Kuznetsov: CuJo and Manny just jumped Shanny in the hall and hog-tied him and put him in Boyer's equipment closet!  
Lidström: I didn't actually think they'd go through with it.  
Zetterberg: Does this mean we're free?  
Fedorov: No. You'll still have to go through ME. (Puts hands on hips and blocks the doorway.)  
Zetterberg: Okay. (Runs past Sergei and out the lockerroom door.)  
Fedorov: Damn you, slowing reflexes, damn you! (Shakes fist in air.)


	76. When Fogies Go Wild

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was dumb.
> 
> Also I'm sure this isn't how actually mixing champagne and meds would go.

Chelios: So tell me again why we're at this old folks' home.  
Stevie: To drop you off.  
Chelios: Haha, so funny.  
Stevie: I know, I try. It's for charity. We're going to be taking care of old people and stuff.  
Brett: We're not going to be cleaning any bedpans, are we?  
Stevie: Only if you want to.  
Avery: Woo! I get to clean bedpans! (Pumps fist in air.)  
Lidström: Uh, didn't you get traded?  
Avery: That's what YOU think.  
-Team enters old folks' home-  
Fischer: (Sniffs.) This place smells like stale. And Granny Fischer. (Makes a disdainful face.)  
Maltby: Old people scare me.  
Luc: Why?  
Maltby: They bite.  
Luc: Okaaaay... (Trails off.)  
Draper: So, what are we supposed to do?   
Stevie: I don't know, entertain them, I guess.  
Old Man: (To Stevie.) Are you Matlock?  
Stevie: (Long pause.) Yes.  
Fedorov: (Pouts.) How come I have to wear a hairnet? Now no one can see my beautiful head of blond hair!  
Stevie: (Puts on latex gloves.) It's so that your beautiful blond hair will be protected, dimwit.  
Fedorov: (Dimly.) From what?  
Stevie: You get to clean the toilets. (Grins.)  
Fedorov: (Throws back head and howls.) NOOOOOOOooooooo!  
-Later on-  
Shanny: ...and that's how my suitcase breached national security. The end.  
Old Guy: That story wasn't very good.   
Shanny: Watch who you're talking to, you old fart!  
Stevie: (Pokes head in.) Shanny! Be nice! (Comes in with food tray.)  
Shanny: Delmer, would you like me to tell you a new story?  
Delmer: Okay.  
Shanny: Once upon a time, there lived an old fart named Delmer. Delmer lived in an old folks' home because his worthless son was leeching his old man's assets to finance his drug addicti -   
Stevie: BRENDAN! (Sternly.) Maybe you should go help Drapes with the cafeteria.  
Shanny: (Grumbles.) And I was just getting to the good parts. (Stalks off.)  
-At the cafeteria-  
Old Lady: Sir? There's a blond hair in my soup.  
Draper: (Looks at Fedorov.) Hey, weren't you supposed to be cleaning the toilets?  
Fedorov: I bribed Chode to do it.  
Draper: Well, put your hairnet back on. You're ruining my hard work. (Shields soup from Fedorov.)  
Fedorov: (Puts on hairnet.) Don't fence me in!  
Draper: Stop quoting sucky songs. Now shut up and start helping people. (Fakes a smile.)  
Fedorov: All they're feeding these people are creamed corn and this - (frowns) - gruel type stuff. This is sickening.  
Draper: (Arches an eyebrow.) Since when did you become an advocate for the old folks? I thought you said they'd be better off working in your diamond mines.  
Fedorov: (Sniffs.) Well, at least I'D feed them.  
Draper: They seem happy with it.  
Fedorov: Well, lucky for them that I brought this expensive bottle of Cristal. (Pulls a bottle of Cristal from his apron.) These old fogies should thank me for this. (Pours champagne into punch bowl.)  
Draper: (Whistles innocently.)  
-Meanwhile-  
Old Lady: Young man, give me a back rub.  
Avery: (Shudders.) Yes, Mrs. Carey. (Squirts oil onto his hands and slowly inches his way toward Mrs. Carey.)  
Mrs. Carey: Don't forget my crevices.  
Avery: (Shudder.) Yes, Mrs. Carey. (Begins to massage her back. Shudders.)  
-Enter Hull-  
Hull: Chode! You'll never believe what Drapes and Feds did!  
Avery: (Relieved.) What did they do?!  
Hull: They drugged up the old people! (He and Avery escape.)  
-Meanwhile, back in the cafeteria-  
Draper: (He and Fedorov are standing on top of a table as liquored up seniors go wild.) This would make a really funny reality show on Pay-Per-View.  
Fedorov: (Clings to Draper.) WHAT?!  
Draper: I could call it When Fogies Go Wild.  
Fedorov: You should be thinking about how to save us, not thinking up stupid reality TV ideas!  
Draper: Oh God that old lady just flashed me!  
Fedorov: (Cups hands around mouth.) Hey, flash ME!   
Draper: You perv.  
-Enter Avery, Hull and the rest of the guys-  
McCarty: (Dragging a hose. Glares at Draper.) The things I do for you...  
Draper: Hurry, Darren! Hose 'em!  
Fedorov: Before they get too close to me!  
Draper: This was YOUR bright idea. You were the one who gave them alcohol.  
Stevie: Wait a minute, you gave the old folks alcohol?  
Fedorov: I felt bad for them.  
Stevie: You moron! They're all on meds! You can't mix medicine and alcohol!   
Fedorov: Oh, right, I forgot.  
Stevie: (Sighs.) Just push them out of your way and come with us to freedom.  
Fedorov: But I would have to touch them.  
Stevie: In that case, you can stay here!  
Draper: (Squints.) MOM?!


	77. Cheaters Never Win

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jiri conspires to 'rescue' Avery and Kuznetsov, and bring them back to Detroit, as the Wings think up ways to cheat their way to a Game Four win against the Ducks.

Chelios: (Looks at Fischer as he enters the lockerroom.) Why the hell are you wearing a black ski mask?  
Stevie: (Looks up in alarm.) You're not out committing thuggery again, are you, Jiri?  
Fischer: Who, me? (Gasps innocently.) I'm doing nothing of the sort, Stevie! (Slips a crowbar into his fanny pack.)  
Stevie: Okay, tell me you didn't just slip a crowbar in your fanny pack. (Pauses.) And why in God's name are you wearing a fanny pack? Those went the way of the eight track and the mullet.  
Shanny: Heh heh, Stevie, YOU had a mullet! Remember! (Whips out blown up photo of Stevie, with mullet.)  
Stevie: I thought I told you never to mention that!  
Fischer: (Pats crowbar, cackles.)  
Stevie: (Sighs.) Okay, fine, but no thuggery. Remember what happened the last time?  
::Flashback::  
Fischer: (Leaps up beind Mario.) Take THIS, Not-So-Super Mario! (Hits him in his injured hip.)  
Mario: (Falls onto his back.) Ah, I've fallen and I can't get up!  
::End flashback::  
Fischer: I thought he was playing like he was a bug.  
Shanny: A bug?  
Fischer: You know, like when you tip a beetle onto its back to watch its legs kick? (Flops onto his back and kicks his arms and legs.)  
Shanny: No.  
Fischer: You should try it some time. (Gets back onto his feet.)  
Shanny: Whatever. We really need to win a game.  
Stevie: If you lose tonight, I'll kill you! (Smiles.)  
Fischer: Boy am I glad my knee is all torn up! (Pulls black ski mask back over his face.) But I sure am glad I hitched a ride with you guys to Anaheim. Hehehe. (Rubs hands together.)  
Stevie: Fine, go kidnapping! See if I care!  
Fischer: Don't mind if I do! (Runs off.)  
Hull: You really shouldn't encourage him. If I were his dad, I'd crush his dreams by telling him he's too fat to make the NHL and that he'd never be as good as me.   
Stevie: I'm not his dad.  
Hull: Suuuuure, Stevie.  
Stevie: Are you guys even paying attention to me? If we lose, we're going to get swept!   
Luc: Look, I have a duck whistle! (Blows into a whistle.) Quack quack quack.  
Shanny: If you don't stop quacking that stupid duck whistle, I'll kick you.  
Luc: Qua -   
Shanny: (Lunges for him, Luc leaps out of the way.) Dammit!  
Draper: I'm worried about Fisch.   
McCarty: Wouldn't that be funny if he actually managed not to screw up this kidnapping thing?  
Draper: Well, I've never seen him not screw something up, so yes.  
Stevie: (Huffs angrily.) i'm going to kill you, I'm going to kill you all.  
Shanny: Did you say something, Cappy?  
Stevie: Yes. And don't call me Cappy if you want to have more children.  
Shanny: Okay.   
Stevie: So, about the Ducks...  
Luc: Ducks! (Quacks his whistle.) QUACK!  
Shanny: (Smacks Luc in the back of the head and the duck whistle goes flying in the air.) I warned you!  
Luc: You said you'd KICK me! (Rubs the back of his head.)  
Shanny: Kick, hit, same thing. Now Stevie has something important to say, so shut up.  
Stevie: Thank you, Brendan. (Clears throat.) We need to figure out a way to win tonight's game, and fight off elimination.  
Hull: We could always cheat.  
Stevie: But cheating isn't honest.   
Hull: But we need a win.  
Draper: He has a point.  
Stevie: I hate to say this, but he kinda does.  
Dandenault: We could put laxatives in the referees' water bottles.  
Stevie: And how would that help us get a win?  
Dandenault: Didn't think about that part.  
Zetterberg: We could tie Giguere to his goalposts.  
Joseph: You could start scoring me some goals.  
Stevie: You could start stopping some.  
Joseph: Touché. (Begins to knit.)  
Fedorov: Why are you knitting?  
Joseph: It's going to be cold when we get back to Detroit for Game Five.  
-Players share looks-  
Shanny: (Coughs loudly.) We could replace Giguere with a ten year old.  
Draper: And how would we manage that?  
Shanny: I don't know, tell Giguere that he won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes and lock him out of the Ducks lockerroom?  
Draper: (Rolls eyes.) Oh, that'd really work.  
Shanny: See, Stevie? I TOLD you someone agreed with me!  
Stevie: (Sighs.) I don't think that's going to work anyway, Shanny.   
Hull: How about I infiltrate the enemy camp and steal their game plans?  
Maltby: That could work.  
Draper: That's actually not a bad idea.  
Shanny: Hullie's last good idea was when he ate an entire seven foot hoagie.  
Hull: And this time I won't barf on myself.  
Stevie: Lovely.  
-Later-  
~Hull and Shanahan, both in black ski masks, creep into the empty Ducks lockerroom~  
Shanny: Hehe, Brett, this is your best plot yet!  
Hull: Shsh! Someone might hear you!  
Shanny: YOU shush!  
-A light snaps on-  
Hull: (Stops.) Uh oh.  
Giguere: (Glares.) What are you two doing here?  
Hull: You know who we are?  
Giguere: Well, you're wearing your jerseys.  
Shanny: (Looks down. He is wearing his jersey.) D'oh!  
Giguere: So, why are you two creeping about my lockerroom?   
Hull: We were going to steal your game plans so we could find out a way to beat you.  
Giguere: You'll never beat me, mere mortal! (Cackles.)  
Hull: Eek! We're doomed!  
Giguere: (Frowns.) I really wish you wouldn't shriek like that.  
Shanny: Well, we're leaving anyway. (Grabs Hull and drags him out of the lockerroom.)  
-Meanwhile, in the Wings' lockerroom-  
Lewis: You've got to slay the dragon, boys! Slay the dragon!  
Hull: (Falls over in a fit of giggles.) Slay the dragon?!  
Lewis: What's so funny?  
Hull: Nothing, nothing. (Wipes tears from eyes.)  
Lewis: Anyway, if you lose, I'll kill you. (Smiles, leaves.)  
Shanny: That wasn't a very good pep speech.  
Hull: (Glares at CuJo.) If you don't stop more goals, I'll hang you from the protective netting!  
Joseph: If you don't start scoring, I'll tie all your shoelaces together!  
Hull: Oh no, anything but that.  
Joseph: i'll do it! I may look like a nice guy, but when push comes to shove - watch out! (Bares teeth.)  
Draper: Dude, we shouldn't be fighting each other!   
Joseph: (Pauses.) Why not?  
Hull: Yeah, why?  
Draper: Because we need to be thinking about beating the Ducks.  
Schneider: The newspapers in Detroit hate me.  
Zetterberg: Yeah, me too.  
Hull: Not like anyone reads those things. And why should you care if the newspaper likes you?  
Zetterberg: Giguere makes me really angry.   
Joseph: If he makes you so angry, why don't you score a goal on him? That'd show him!  
Zetterberg: You know, goalie, you're right!  
-Enter Fischer-  
Fischer: I'm back, all!  
Fedorov: Welcome back. (Squints.) Why are you wearing one handcuff?  
Fischer: I escaped from the police.  
Maltby: Oh boy. Not only are we down three games to the Ducks, but our best young defenseman got himself arrested!  
Fischer: They didn't actually arrest me 'cuz I escaped.  
Maltby: Same thing.  
McCarty: So, did you rescue Chode and Kuzie?  
Fischer: You know, they actually wanted to STAY in LA? Could you believe that?  
-The players look at one another-  
Hull: Sure. There's lots of strippers in LA.  
-Referee opens door-  
Ref: Five minutes 'til the puck drops, guys. (Leaves.)  
-The players look around at one another-  
Fedorov: Oh, screw this, how 'bout we go get Slurpees at 7-11?  
Zetterberg: I'm in!  
Holmström: Me too.  
Joseph: (Sighs, hangs head.)  
Stevie: We're never going to win now!


	78. Too Many Slurpees And No Playoff Wins Make Red Wings Go Crazy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team decides to kidnap Giguere.
> 
> I just realized this is set during the 2003 playoffs.
> 
> I stole a quote I liked.

-At a 7-11 in Anaheim-  
Shanahan: I say we go and kidnap Giguere.  
Fedorov: (Sips Slurpee.) Good idea. I'm in.  
Stevie: I think you guys have had too many Slurpees.  
Fedorov: We could kidnap him and make him ours.  
Dandenault: I'm pretty sure we can't make him ours. Seeing as we don't have him signed to a contract.  
Hull: Not that that ever stopped us. (Holds up a bottle of chloroform.) Will this do?  
Dandenault: You can't just go and kidnap a goalie just because he's better than the one you already have.  
Joseph: Hey!  
Zetterberg: I hate California!  
Shanny: Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level couldn't cure.  
Fischer: (Ponders.) Anyway, isn't that how we got Dom Dom?  
Larionov: No, we actually got Dom Dom legally.  
Fischer: Wow, I'm amazed.  
Shanny: So am I, considering all we gave up was Kozzie and a draft pick.  
Draper: Guess they really wanted to get rid of him.  
Joseph: I can't believe we lost.  
Shanny: I can't believe you couldn't stop anything.  
Joseph: Hey, I resent that!  
Maltby: Fudge, you were worse than Ozzie!  
Holmström: And Ozzie's got a chance to eliminate the Canucks in five.  
Joseph: (Scowls.) Maybe if I had just gotten some offense from my team, my 1.85 goals against would have been good enough! (Snippy.)  
Shanny: No need to get snippy.  
Joseph: (Goes off into a corner to pout.)  
Draper: (Whispers.) We shoulda kept Dom Dom.  
-Enter Dom Dom-  
Hasek: Did someone say my name?  
Hull: Wow, how'd you know we were here?  
Hasek: I've been stalking you.  
Hull: (Arches an eyebrow at him.) That's awful nice of you...  
Hasek: Actually, I thought it was just creepy. (Shrugs.)  
Holmström: That too.  
McCarty: We're trying to think up plans to kidnap JS Giguere.  
Hasek: Why? What about CuJo?  
Shanny: CUJO?! WHAT ABOUT HIM?! (Stomps off.)  
Stevie: (Whispers.) He's a little sensitive when it comes to that.  
Hasek: I noticed. (Pulls a flask of vodka out of a hiding place on his personage - you do NOT want to know - and drinks from it.)  
Stevie: Can I convince you to come back?  
Hasek: Only if you buy me a pony.  
Stevie: A pony?  
Hasek: (Nods.) A pony.   
Stevie: Uh... I don't think I can afford a pony...  
Hasek: Well, kidnapping DOES sound like fun.  
Stevie: Okay, I'll get you the damn pony. Just as long as we don't have to do anything illegal!  
Hull: You NEVER wanna do anything fun!  
Stevie: All the fun things YOU want to do are illegal!  
Hull: Well that isn't MY fault!  
Stevie: I really think it is.  
Shanny: Ladies, ladies, please. (Holds up hands.)  
-Hull and Stevie bristle-  
Hull: Just because my breasts are larger than some women's doesn't make me a lady! (Points at Shanny, accusingly.)  
-Later on, at a pony farm-  
Hasek: Look at this pony! Isn't he pretty?   
Stevie: Dom, that's an Irish setter.  
Hasek: Are you sure?  
Stevie: Yes. Ponies are a tad larger than that.  
Hasek: Says you. (Pets the dog.) Nice pony.  
Hull: (Runs by, being chased by a pig.) AH! AHHHHH!  
Fischer: That pig is trying to eat Hullie! (Giggles.)  
Hull: (Shrieks.) HELP ME!   
Shanny: No, keep running, maybe he'll get tired.  
Fedorov: Not likely. (Is wearing a Rangers jersey.)  
Draper: Why are you wearing Rangers jersey, Sergei?  
Fedorov: Oh, no reason. (Begins whistling innocently.)  
Draper: (Looks at him suspiciously.) Suuure.  
Hasek: Look! A pony! (Points.) Here, pony pony pony! Here pony pony pony! (Chases after it.)  
Stevie: (Sighs.)  
-Later on, back in Anaheim-  
Draper: (The Grind Line is creeping into JS Giguere's house, all wearing black ski masks.) Got the chloroform?  
McCarty: (Whispers back.) Yeah. You got the rope?  
Draper: (Nods.) You got the tazer?  
Maltby: Tazer?  
Draper: Don't tell me you forgot the tazer.  
Maltby: I thought we wanted to make him our goalie, not hurt him.  
McCarty: *I* want to hurt him.  
Draper: Me too, actually.  
Maltby: I'd rather have him on our side.  
Draper: And here I thought we were going to go kidna -   
-Light snaps on-  
~JS Giguere shuffles into his kitchen in footsie pajamas and opens the fridge~  
Giguere: (Yawns. Eyes drift to the Grind Line.) Who are you?  
Draper: We're here to kidnap you -   
Maltby: (Smacks him.) You're never supposed to give yourself away, Drapes!  
Draper: And you weren't supposed to tell him our names, Malts!  
Giguere: You're Red Wings?   
-They nod-  
Giguere: Shouldn't you be on the golf course? (Begins to laugh. Maltby tazes him.) OW!  
Draper: I thought you said you didn't bring the tazer!  
Maltby: I never said that. (Tucks it into his fanny pack.)  
Draper: Okay, whatever. Are we gonna do this or what?  
Giguere: I don't think I like this idea. (Drinks from milk carton.)  
McCarty: You drink out of the carton? And you wear footsie pajamas?  
Giguere: (Nods.)  
McCarty: You dork.  
Giguere: (Narrows his eyes.) And I'm going to the second round, so there.  
McCarty: You know, you really should stop lording that over us. It's getting old.  
Giguere: So's your team.  
Maltby: Like we never heard THAT one before?  
Giguere: Anyway, the press is calling me the next Patrick Roy! So there. (Puts his milk carton back.)  
McCarty: Aw, his footsie pajamas have a flap in the back!  
Giguere: I'm going to bed now, seeing as I just beat you pussies in overtime. (Shuffles off.)  
McCarty: Did he just call us pussies?  
Draper: Yes.  
Maltby: And you're not pounding his ass?  
McCarty: (Shrugs.) The word holds no meaning for me now.  
Draper: Well, we can't come back empty handed!  
Maltby: Let's go get him.   
Draper: Done and done.  
-Next day, in Detroit-  
Stevie: (Cleaning out his locker.) I can't believe the season's over. We had 110 points. We shouldn't be out in the first round.  
Shanny: Cathy is putting me on twenty-four hour suicide watch. (Dumps stuff into a cardboard box, including a teddy bear wearing a red bow.)  
Joseph: (Runs into lockerroom, his jersey shredded, and shuts door, panting.) They're going to tear me apart.  
Draper: Who, the media?  
Joseph: No, the fans. (Pants.)  
Shanny: It's always the goalie's fault. (Shakes head.)  
Joseph: (Collapses in his locker.)  
Draper: Yeah, JS Giguere's fault.  
McCarty: (Pokes head in.) And boy are you guys going to be proud of us! (Looks behind him.) Come on, get in there. I don't see how you've got a choice in the matter. (Pushes JS Giguere into the lockerroom.)  
Joseph: (Jumps to his feet, hissing and pointing.)  
Giguere: Let me go! My team is going to miss me!  
McCarty: If you can't beat him, kidnap him!  
Giguere: This isn't funny! I have a second round series to prepare for!  
McCarty: (Tazes him.) He never learns.  
Stevie: You guys are going to be in SO much trouble when the league finds out you kidnapped Giguere.  
Joseph: It wasn't my fault we lost!  
Fedorov: If you had stopped that last goal we would've won, 'cuz baby, I was on fire.  
Joseph: Hah, if you were on fire, you should have played like it.  
Fedorov: Sooka! (Puts up his fists.)  
Stevie: You guys, simmer down!  
Fedorov: Tell Jo-sieve to shut up!  
Joseph: Tell FAT-orov to leave me alone!  
Stevie: (Rolls eyes.) Real clever, guys.  
Giguere: Can I leave now?  
Stevie: No.  
Giguere: But I thought you -  
Stevie: Shush.  
Giguere: (Frowns.)  
-Enter Zetterberg-  
Zetterberg: Guys, I just got a letter from my mail-order bride, Elvira! (Waves letter, animatedly.)  
Holmström: Oh, what's she say, Zetty?  
Zetterberg: Her gout is clearing up, and she's going to come to see me in a week!  
Giguere: (Inches toward the door, but Manny throws an arm around his shoulders.) Eek.  
Manny: Hi there.  
Giguere: Hello.  
Manny: So I hear you're trying to take my job?  
Giguere: What?  
Manny: You're trying to take the number one spot.  
Giguere: Isn't CuJo the number one goalie?  
Manny: Not after the way we went out this year. (Grins, cackles.) So, pal, you take my job, you die.  
Giguere: But I don't WANT your job.  
Manny: (Glares.) You better not. (Narrows his eyes suspiciously.)  
-Enter Lewie-  
Lewis: Guys, give Giguere back.  
Maltby: Why?  
Lewis: Because the Ducks will tell Bettman on us if you don't.  
Maltby: Dammit! Trying to ruin our fun!  
Lewis: Actually they need him for their next series.  
Hull: Blast it!  
Giguere: (Pulls himself away from Manny and runs to the front door, pausing to stare at them.) You people are all FREAKS! (Runs off.)  
Lewis: (Shuts door.)  
Maltby: There goes our hopes of ever winning another Cup.  
Shanny: Didn't we have another goalie before Jo-sieve?  
Joseph: Stop calling me that.  
Draper: Actually, I believe we did... His name was Hot-shit.  
Shanny: No, before him... The cute one, the blond one.  
Fedorov: (Thinks.) I'm drawing a blank.  
Larionov: Chris Osgood?  
Shanny: No, not him...  
Larionov: (Puzzled.) Uhhh... Okay.  
Shanny: Ken Wregget!  
Fischer: You thought Wregget was cute?  
Shanny: (Frowns.) That's not the right one, either.  
Fischer: Ozzie?  
Shanny: Yes, that's the one, Ozzie! (Grins, Larionov sighs.) What's he doing, nowadays?  
Larionov: He's only leading the league in goals against and getting no respect. As usual.  
Shanny: Why don't we kidnap HIM?  
Dandenault: He's in the middle of a playoff series.  
Shanny: Screw that, we can replace him with a dummy likeness!  
Bykov: Yeah, that'll work!  
-The majority of the team runs off, save for Joseph and Stevie-  
Stevie: Somehow, this does not infuse me with confidence.  
Joseph: Do you think if I sneaked back into Toronto and knocked Belfour out and took his place in goal, they'd notice?  
Stevie: (Nods.)  
Joseph: Drat!


	79. The One With Norman Einstein

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Wings react to their series loss to Anaheim.
> 
> This has nothing to do with Albert Brooks.

-In the lockerroom-  
Chelios: I'm really pissed that we lost to the Ducks.  
Stevie: (Defensively.) And I'm not?  
Chelios: I didn't say that.   
Stevie: But you were thinking it.  
Chelios: Sure I was. So sue me.  
Maltby: I'm pissed off too.  
McCarty: So am I.  
Fischer: I'm not. I didn't play.  
Devereaux: Neither did I.  
Hull: Wait, I think you did play.  
Devereaux: I'm pretty sure I didn't. And I'm pretty sure that if I did, we'd have won.  
Larionov: That's awfully cocky of you.  
Devereaux: Well, you guys didn't win WITHOUT me.  
Larionov: True, but -  
Devereaux: Exactly. (Wanders off.)  
Larionov: (Sighs frustratedly.)  
Fischer: I'm going to curl up into a little ball of Fishy and cry now.   
Holmström: We should have beat the Ducks.  
Shanny: Duh. And these lunatic fans won't stop calling me up to quack at me! (Shakes fist.)  
Hull: Oh, sorry, that was me.   
Shanny: (Sighs.)   
Draper: And I'm pissed off that our kidnapping scheme didn't work. We sure could have used a Giguere of our own in net.  
Joseph: (Sniffs, unhappily.)  
Manny: Awww, I don't see why you guys are being so hard on CuJo. It wasn't his fault we lost.  
Fedorov: Maybe if he'd gotten shutouts in every game we could have won!  
Draper: Four consecutive shutouts? Take a second to consider how implausible that is, Sergei. I mean, not even Patrick Roy has accomplished that feat yet.  
Fedorov: (Thinks, frowns.) Your big words are making my head hurt.  
Draper: (Sighs. Under his breath.) Dumb blond.  
Fedorov: Huhwha?  
Draper: Nothing.  
Fedorov: That's what I thought. (Begins filing nails.)  
Joseph: I'm sorry guys.  
Stevie: It's okay, CuJo, don't feel so bad. We just didn't score.  
Hull: Uh, I beg to differ. *I* scored. On the ice AND off!  
Shanny: You prick.  
Devereaux: (Hisses at the TV.) Ok, NOW Melrose supports us! When we're already out of the playoffs! (Shakes fist at TV.) You incompetent boob!  
Stevie: I'll just ignore the fact Boydie just called someone an 'incompetent boob' and focus on the fact that my bottle of industrial-strength Nyquil is   
missing from my locker.  
Chelios: (Falls to the lockerroom floor, doped up on Nyquil.) Mary had a little sheep, and with this sheep she went to sleep. It turned out it was a ram, and Mary had a little lamb.  
Draper: (Giggle.) That's funny.  
Maltby: Actually, that disturbs me.  
Datsyuk: *In the Old Country, we beat you over the head with a rusty tire iron for telling bad jokes.*  
Larionov: *Actually, that stopped when Stalin died.*  
Datsyuk: *Then why did I keep getting beaten with tire irons when I was a young lad?*  
Larionov: *Uh... Blame the KGB. You can blame anything on the KGB.*  
Chelios: My boobs make a funny noise.  
Shanny: He doesn't have boobs.  
Hull: Oh, doesn't he?  
Shanny: I'd seriously hope not.  
Stevie: (Snatches bottle of Nyquil away from Chelios.) That's enough for you tonight, Chelly.  
Chelios: No, Mommy! Gimme back my magic juice! (Swats air.)  
Stevie: I'm not your mommy. Does your mommy have a playoff beard?  
Chelios: Yes.  
Stevie: Oh... Um. (Puts Nyquil away.)  
Joseph: (Hangs head in shame.) And now you'll all have to shave off your playoff beards on account of me. (Sniffles.)  
Shanny: I'm keeping mine. I've always wanted to be a hermit.  
Stevie: You can't just become a hermit by growing a big, bushy beard.  
Shanny: Oh, no?  
Stevie: You also have to start living in a cave and neglecting your personal hygiene.  
Shanny: Done and done.  
Stevie: (Sighs.)  
Dandenault: You have very low standards, Brendan.  
Shanny: I know that.   
Fischer: My playoff beard gave me a rash.  
Maltby: Ew, that's gross, Fish.  
Fischer: It's worse for me than it is for you.  
Maltby: (To Stevie.) If I'm a narcissist, does that make me gay?  
Stevie: What do you think I am, the Answer Man?  
Maltby: (Quietly.) Yes.  
Stevie: Okay, yes, yes it does.  
Maltby: Uh oh, my girlfriend is going to be pissed.  
Shanny: YOU have a GIRLFRIEND?  
Maltby: (Scowls.) Yes.  
Shanny: Are you sure you're just not confusing her with Darren again?  
Maltby: Hey, I was drunk!  
McCarty: (Shudders.) How could you confuse ME with Wendy? I'm not made of silicon!  
Maltby: Neither is she! Her cantaloups are real!  
Draper: No one calls them cantaloups these days, Kirk.   
Maltby: They don't?  
Draper: No. They call them cha-chas.  
Luc: Cha-chas?  
McCarty: Dude, that's so gay.  
Draper: That's what my mom calls them. (Shrugs.)  
Hull: Your mom also superglued herself to a lamppost.  
Draper: That wasn't my mom, that was you.  
Hull: Now that you mention it... (Ponders.)  
Fischer: (Giggles.) Wow, Brett! You're so stupid you make ME look like Norman Einstein!  
Larionov: (Coughs.)  
Shanny: God you're dumb, Fish.  
Fischer: I know I am, but what are you?  
Shanny: Uh, actually, it's, "I know you are, but what am I?"  
Fischer: I like it better the way I did it, anyway. (Nods.)  
Shanny: Okay. Whatever. I think talking to you just killed my last remaining braincells. (Moves closer to Larionov.)  
Fischer: That's funny. (Pause.) HEY!


	80. Will the Real Nick Lidström Please Stand Up?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The players reveal shocking secrets.

-In lockeroom-  
Chelios: Why does that look on Pavel's face scare me?  
Datsyuk: *I'm going to liberate the Cup and return her to her rightful owners!*  
Larionov: Oh no, don't tell me you're going to steal the Stanley Cup!  
Datsyuk: *I'm going to LIBERATE her!*  
Fedorov: Anyway, Stanley's a boy's name. It can't be a girl.  
Hull: On to more important things, like: Why are we still sitting in the lockerroom?  
Fischer: We're waiting for training camp.  
Hull: Dude, that's, like, in six months!  
Fischer: (Opens up his teddy bear calendar and begins counting days.) Why, golly gee! You're right! We're going to be stuck in here for six months!  
Joseph: We could just go on vacation and come back in September, you know.  
Fischer: I miss hockey!  
Dandenault: Don't we all.  
Fedorov: I don't. (Flips hair.)  
Shanny: We know YOU don't, Mr. Moneybags. (Cracks knuckles.)  
McCarty: I don't think I like not playing hockey in April.  
Fedorov: I don't mind. Now I have more time to audition possible replacement teams for this one.  
Legace: You mean you're leaving?  
Fedorov: It looks that way. (Nods.)  
Fischer: (In a small voice.) Why? Don't you like us anymore? (Whimpers.)  
Fedorov: Stop whimpering! Now I'm going to feel bad when I leave for more money somewhere else! (Shakes fist.)  
Datsyuk: You SHOULD feel bad.  
Fedorov: (Eyes widen.) I didn't know you spoke English!  
Datysuk: I've been fooling you all! I took night courses at OCC while I was out with my injury! (Points in air.)  
Larionov: You're a fast learner, then.  
Datsyuk: (Shrugs.)  
Dandenault: (Glares at Datsyuk.) What OTHER secrets are you keeping from me, eh Pavel?  
Datsyuk: I'm married.  
Devereaux: YOU'RE married?  
Datsyuk: (Nods.) And we have a kid.  
Fischer: I feel so deceived.  
Datsyuk: YOU feel deceived? (Points at Fischer.) YOU should tell them about your Romanian mail-order bride!  
Fischer: Hey! I thought we'd never speak of that! (Looks around lockerroom.) Yes, I married a woman I bought off the internet. Is that so wrong?  
Larionov: Actually, I think it is.  
Fischer: Well... (Looks around nervously.) I'll be right back! (Runs off.)  
Fedorov: Wow, you guys are so...twisted.  
Yzerman: I don't HAVE any secrets! I'm clean as a whistle! Heh heh. (Laughs nervously.)  
Shanny: Yeah, Steve, clean as a whistle. Heh heh. (Laughs nervously, too. Looks around lockerroom with shifty eyes.)  
Hull: Heck, MY secret trumps all of YOUR secrets any day! (Cockily.)  
Lidström: Oh yeah? I'm not really Nick Lidström! I killed the real Nick Lidström after Game Five of the Western Conference Semifinals in 2000 and took his place! I've been fooling you all for years!  
Chelios: (Long silence.) You're pretty damn good for an impostor. AND you won two Norris Trophies. (Eyes widen.)  
Hull: It took YOU just three years to accomplish what the real Nick couldn't in ten? (Blinks.)  
Holmström: You know, the fake Lidström theory explains a lot of things, like his alter ego, Ghetto Nicky.  
Lidström: Heck, I'm not even Swedish.  
Joseph: I think that trumps whatever Brett's secret could possibly be.  
Hull: Nah, gimme a chance. I'll make u - I mean, I'll remember a big one! (Thinks hard.)   
Shanny: (Looks at Stevie.) I KNOW you've got some skeletons in your closet! It's up to ME to find them!  
Fischer: I want hockey hair!  
Joseph: You HAVE hockey hair, dope!  
Fischer: No I don't! Brett has hockey hair! (Points.)  
Hull: Do you know how much blood, sweat and tears went INTO this look? (Sniffs haughtily.) They don't call me Baby Chick Hair for nothing.  
Datsyuk: (Drinking a can of Royal Crown Cola.) This is all so very interesting. (Removes tape recorder from inside shirt.) Damn, low battery?!  
Joseph: Are you taping us?  
Datsyuk: (Looks around, shiftily.) No, I'm dictating my autobiography. (Nods.)  
Williams: I miss Chode.  
Draper: You only miss him because whenever you two went to bars, he got you chicks.  
Wlliams: That is SO not true! I NEVER got chicks when we went to bars together!  
All: (Look at Williams in shock.)  
Williams: Okay, so that came out wrong.  
All: (Raise eyebrows.)  
Williams: Okay and that did too. (Sighs.) I'll just shut up now and go into the corner to mope and miss Chode by myself. (Goes into corner to mope.)  
Shanny: Come ON Stevie! I KNOW you're hiding something behind that Goodie Goodie exterior of yours! (Pesters.)  
Yzerman: No I'm not! Get off my freaking back!  
Hull: (Looks at Lidström.) Waaaait a minute! You're pulling our legs, aren't you?!   
Lidström: What do you mean?  
Hull: You couldn't possibly have killed anyone!  
Lidström: (Narrows eyes.) Would you like to find out?  
Hull: No.  
Lidström: That's what I thought.  
Fischer: Nick has multiple personality disorder. (Reading from a book.)  
Maltby: You didn't think we realized that, dumb butt?  
Fischer: My butt isn't dumb! (Pouts.) It's smarter than my brain!  
Joseph: And how.  
Shanny: (Hides behind Stevie.) Mwahahahaaaaaa! Fooled y - (A lighting fixture falls on his head.) OW!


	81. Why Is This Night Different From All Other Nights?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mathieu Schneider invites the guys to his house for Passover dinner.
> 
> This story makes me cry.
> 
> This is probably offensive. But matzah really does taste kind of cardboardy. L'chaim!

-Team still hanging out in lockerroom due to boredom-  
~Enter Chelios~  
Chelios: (Eating a brownie.) A fan mailed these to me today.  
Stevie: Are you sure they're not poisoned?  
Chelios: (Thinks, mouth full.) No. (Looks at Schneider.) Want one?  
Schneider: No thanks. They're not kosher.  
Chelios: Ko-whatsit?  
Schneider: It's Passover tonight.  
Chelios: So, you can't eat brownies?  
Schneider: (Pulls out a piece of flat, cracker-looking stuff.) I eat matzah instead. Want some?  
Chelios: Okay. (Takes a piece.) ACK! This crap tastes like cardboard!  
Stevie: (Looks worried.) I'm sure it's very good cardb - matzah, I meant matzah. (Laughs nervously.) Heh heh.  
Schneider: (Shrugs.) Actually, it DOES taste kind of like cardboard. (Tosses it away.) I've got an idea! Why don't you guys all come to my house for dinner tonight! I can edumacate you all on the Jewish faith!  
Stevie: Sounds good to me.  
Draper: I'm ALWAYS in for free food.  
Devereaux: I'm looking for a new religion, so I'm in.  
Chelios: Okay. Just so as long as we can have brownies.  
Schneider: No brownies. Just unleavened bread, like this matzah.  
Chelios: (Hangs head in sadness.)   
Schneider: (Sighs, rolls eyes.) Okay, brownies just for you.  
Chelios: Woo! (Pumps fist in air.)  
-Later on, in front of the house Schneider is borrowing from Bryan Smolinski-  
Draper: How did we all get roped into going to Mathieu's house for dinner? It's not like he's even going to be around next year!  
Stevie: Hey, you SAID you wanted to come!  
Fischer: I'm Jewish now.  
Stevie: You can't just decide to be Jewish, Fish. You have to go through a conversion process. And there's something about being dipped into a kiddie pool full of water.  
Fischer: Oh... Well in that case, I'm Christian now.  
Stevie: Good for you.  
-The team enters Schneider's house-  
Mrs. Schneider: Mazel tov!  
Joseph: Mazel WHAT?  
Mrs. Schneider: It means 'good luck.'  
Joseph: Oh, mazzle tub to you too, Shannon.  
Mrs. Schneider: (Shrugs shoulders.) Eh. Come inside. Mat's in the kitchen making gefilte fish.  
Fischer: What, ma'am?  
Mrs. Schneider: Mat's chopping up the fish in the kitchen.  
Fischer: EEEEP! (Covers groin with hands.) I know what you Jewish folks do to your manhoods!  
Stevie: Uh, Fisch, that's called circumcision, and it's done when they're just babies. And she didn't mean you when she said gefilte fish.  
Devereaux: How do you know so much about Judy-ism, Stevie?  
Stevie: I did my research on Google last night. And it's Judaism, not Judy-ism.  
Schneider: Hi guys! Glad you could make it! (Has a plate of brownies. Hands them to Chelios.) I baked those just for you!  
Chelios: (Grabs plate, greedily.) GLOMP! (Makes a funny face.) These taste weird.  
Schneider: I'm glad you noticed. There's no flour in them.  
Hull: I'll take them! (Grabs plate, runs off.)  
Fischer: (Sniffs.) Your house smells Ìlike Grandma Fischer.  
Schneider: Uh, thanks, I guess.  
Fischer: What's that empty chair for? (Grabs wine glass.)  
Schneider: Don't drink that! That wine's for Elijah!   
Fischer: Who?  
Schneider: The invisible guy who comes in when we're not looking and drinks   
our wine.  
Fischer: Eek! (Puts the wine glass down.) A g-g-ghost?  
Schneider: Not exactly...  
Fedorov: Yes, a ghost! A bloodsucking, braineating ghost! Ooooooh! (Waggles   
fingers in Fischer's face.)  
Fischer: (Runs to bathroom crying.)  
Larionov: That was unnecessary and mean.  
Fedorov: (Flips hair, arrogantly.) I'm not going to be around next year. I might as well make this worth it.  
Draper: How are you so sure you're not coming back?  
Fedorov: (Shrugs.) Atlanta looks promising.  
Larionov: You'd really bolt us for THEM?  
Fedorov: Playing with Kovalchuk could get me lots of points.  
Larionov: Yeah, but it isn't like you're going to win a Cup with the Thrashers next year, if you sign with them.  
Fedorov: You never know. (Shrugs.) They could get lucky. Or mysterious illnesses could befall the other Southeast Division teams' players... (Rubs hands together.)  
Shanny: Poisoning is illegal in all 50 states, Sergei.  
Fedorov: Even in Atlanta?  
Shanny: (Nods.) Especially in Atlanta.  
Fedorov: (Eyes widen.) REALLY?  
Shanny: No, I just wanted to scare you.  
Draper: Atlanta's not a state.  
Shanny: What do you MEAN Atlanta's not a state? People live there! They have four major sports franchises!  
Chelios: Just because people live there doesn't make it a state, dummy!  
Draper: Uh, you ever heard of GEORGIA?  
Fischer: That country by Armenia?  
Fedorov/Shanny: (Blank looks.)  
Draper: Wait, FISCHER has heard of both Georgias, but you two haven't? (They shake heads.) You guys are tools.  
Fedorov: Oooh! I see Elijah! (Points to something behind Fischer.)  
Fischer: (Shrieks.)  
Holmström: Stop scaring him like that! One of these days he's going to wet his pants! And I'm standing right next to him!  
Fedorov: Then that would by really funny for me. Not so funny for you. (Giggles.)  
Zetterberg: Now I'm hoping he signs somewhere else. (Under breath.)  
Chelios: Me too. (Cracks knuckles.) Or I could just make him disappear. (Makes air quotients after the word 'disappear'.)  
Zetterberg: Disappear as in killing him, or disappear as in a magic trick?  
Chelios: (Frowns.) Disappear as in killing him.  
Zetterberg: (Face falls.) Drat! I wanted to see a magic trick!  
Chelios: You're naïve.  
Zetterberg: No, I'm Hank! (Beams.)  
Chelios: (Sighs.)  
Datsyuk: I thought you were Zetter.  
Hull: No, I think he's called Zata.  
Zetterberg: Just call me Rookie of the Year! (Gives himself a rimshot on the dinner table.)  
Larionov: That's awfully cocky of you. There were a lot of good rookies in this year's freshman class.  
Draper: And Rick Nash is SO cuter than you.  
Zetterberg: Heeeey! (Pause.) You know, you're right.  
Joseph: I'm voting for Ales Hemsky.  
Maltby: You can't vote.  
Joseph: Drat. Now you've found me out. (Looks around suspiciously.)  
McCarty: Where's Luc?  
Williams: Luc left to go to Los Angeles with his wife. He told me to tell you guys to kiss his tanned, toned white ass.  
Holmström: That was awful nice of him to say good bye.  
Williams: Then he waved at me.  
Draper: Aww.  
Williams: You don't want to know WHAT he waved at me, though. (Shudders.)  
Draper: Ew.  
Shanny: And how.  
-Enter Schneider kid-  
Schneider Kid: I found the Afikomen! (Points to Shanny.)  
Shanny: (Ponders, scratches chin.) And HOW.  
~Afikomen falls from ceiling fixture and pokes out Shanny's eye.~  
Shanny: You'll never defeat me, you sick bastard! (Shakes fist at ceiling fixture.)


	82. Knitting Madness and Time Machines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team struggles with off-season boredom, Fischer becomes addicted to knitting, a Homer tries to build a time machine.
> 
> Warning for strippers and time machines and way too many ellipses.

~The team is still sitting around in their lockerroom, looking bored~  
Fischer: I've never been this bored. (Stares at ceiling.) Watching paint peel is funner.  
Holmström: You know, we could all go over to my house and help me finish building my time machine.  
Shanahan: You're not actually building a REAL time machine, are you, Homer?  
Homlström: It is SO real!  
Shanahan: There's no such thing as time travel, dummy!  
Holmström: There is so! I invented it!  
Joseph: Liar! Einstein invented time travel!  
Holmström: You don't know anything!   
~Enter Stevie during Homer and CuJo's argument~  
Stevie: Wow. This is a very odd conversation that I just walked in on.  
Fischer: Lucky you that you weren't in on the entire thing. They're arguing over who invented time travel.  
Stevie: No one, because there's no such thing.  
Shanny: Actually, that hasn't been proven yet... (Thinks.) Wouldn't it be cool if I could go into the future and have sex with myself?  
-Entire lockerroom turns to stare at Shanahan with gaping jaws-  
Stevie: (Clears throat.) That's sick, even for a narcissist like you.  
Shanny: Like you've never thought about having sex with yourself?  
Stevie: I'd have to say that I hadn't, until you mentioned it. Now I am! (Cringes, closes eyes.) Mental picture! Mental picture!  
Holmström: (Annoyed.) Well, when I finish my time machine, none of you non-believers is going to get a free ride! (Points at them, stomps foot.)  
Williams: Nobody wants to ride on a stupid tricycle you painted silver, anyway!  
Holmström: It's not a tricycle I painted silver! It's an actual time machine! I'll prove it to you! (Leaps to his feet and runs off.)  
Fedorov: What went up HIS ass and died?  
-A few minutes later-  
~Enter Homer with his arms loaded with 'stuff'~  
Holmström: I've just come back from Detroit, circa 1900, bearing gifts! (Hands Shanny a musket.)  
Shanny: (Looks at it and frowns.) This says 'property of Greenwich Village' stamped on it!  
Holmström: It does not! (Snatches away the musket.) Yoink. (Puts on a tri-corner hat.) Well, I time traveled! So there!  
McCarty: You got that hat when we went to Mackinac Island, remember? I was there when you bought it.  
Holmström: You are filling my head with these lies! Lies! (Points at McCarty and hisses.)  
Shanny: I think he's going stir-crazy from lack of hockey.  
Fischer: I know I am. I mean, I've taken up knitting, for God's sake! (Begins frantically knitting a pair of socks.) And I . . . can't . . . stop.  
Maltby: Wow, that's spooky.  
~Shanny puts on tri-corner hat and begins riding the musket~  
Stevie: Stop straddling that musket. It's disturbing. And oddly arousing.  
All: (Inch away from Stevie slowly.)  
Stevie: I'm not the one riding a musket!  
Shanny: (Waves hat.) Yee haw, ride 'em cowboy!  
Stevie: (Covers eyes.)  
Fishy's Needles: Click click click.  
Shanny: Stop knitting, Fishy! Men don't knit!  
Fischer: I can't stop! It's a compulsion! (Knits furiously.)  
Joseph: We need to take that kid to a strip club.  
-Later on, in strip club-  
Shanny: (Getting a lapdance from a stripper.) Wooo!  
McCarty: (Putting dollars in a stripper's g-string w/his teeth.) WOOOOO!  
Fischer: (Knitting. Bites down on his bottom lip.) There! (Holds up a small sweater.)  
Maltby: That thing wouldn't fit a midget!  
Fischer: It could fit a baby. (Puts it aside and looks at his collection of yarn.) Maybe I could make that girl leg warmers! She looks freezing! (Points to the stripper gyrating on Maltby's lap.)  
Maltby: No! I like her just the way she is!  
Fischer: (Begins knitting.)  
Stripper1: That's cute that he's knitting. Is he expecting a baby?  
Maltby: No... Actually, we have no idea why he's knitting.  
Fischer: Must . . . make . . . poor naked girl . . . warm clothing. (Pants.)  
Dandenault: Dude, I don't think the strippers mind being naked.  
Fischer: But they could get frostbite!  
Dandenault: (Rolls eyes, as a stripper begins to rub his cheek.) Whatever, Fishy.  
Stevie: If my wife finds out I'm here, I'm never going to hear the end of it. (A stripper bares her breasts at him and he covers his face.) No no! Put them away, put them away!  
~Sean Avery prances onto the stage in cowboy gear~  
Avery: (Begins to strip.) Yippee-kay-yay! (Swings fringe vest in air and tosses it at Shanny. He squints.)   
Wallin: Oh my God! CHODE?!  
Holmström: (Covers eyes.) Speedos are a crime against humanity.  
Avery: (Covers groin) Eeep!  
McCarty: Shouldn't you be in LA?  
Avery: This is my summer job!  
Woman In Crowd: Take it off, cowboy! WOOOO! (Tries to pinch his ass.)  
Avery: (Pokes at her with a stick.) Back, you fiend! Back!  
Stevie: This night suddenly took a turn for the worst.  
Shanny: (Makes a whistling noise like a plane crashing.) Ka-BLAM!  
Stevie: (Shoots Shanahan a baleful look.) I could've really done without the sound effects, Brendan.  
Shanny: Sorry. (Sips beer.)  
Fischer: (Has three strippers hanging all over him. Knits furiously.) Cable . . . knit . . . must finish . . . cable knit.  
Fishy's Needles: Click click clickity click.  
Stripper2: (Slips her hand into his shirt.)  
Fischer: (Continues to knit.)  
Fishy's Needles: Clickity clackity.  
Holmström: (Enters holding a dented toaster.) Maybe if I can get this time machine thingy to work, we can go back in time and club Giguere's kneecaps!  
Lidström: No! That would not be honest!  
Larionov: And plus, the objective isn't to HURT the other guy so you can win, it's to outplay them.  
Holmström: But hurting helps, no? (Sets toaster on table.) Stand back! (Plugs it into an outlet.)  
All: (Wait for something to heppen.)  
~Nothing happens~  
Zetterberg: Is think your time machine thingy is broken.  
Holmström: No, it's not! I haven't activated it yet! (Sticks fork into toaster.)  
~A loud explosion~  
-Smoke clears-  
Draper: Dear God! We've traveled back to the time of dinosaurs! (Points.)  
Shanny: That's not a dinosaur, Drapes. That's a potted fern.  
Stripper3: The force of the explosion blew off my clothing.  
Stripper2: Mine too.   
Holmström: This is BETTER than time traveling!  
Datsyuk: Party time! (Pumps fists in air.)


	83. Boredom Kills

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, I was watching I Love '82 last night. 
> 
> Plot holes galore. Insensitivity about Native American naming customs.

-The guys are all bored, and, for some reason, still hanging out in the lockerroom. Maybe they're in denial that the season is over-  
Fischer: (Fighting a Rubik's Cube.) Damn you, cube, give up! (Gives up and throws it across the room.)  
Hull: It's just a stupid toy, Fisch. Don't let it beat you down! Show that Rubik's Cube who's boss!  
Joseph: You guys are acting like it's ... plotting against you or something.  
Fischer: Maybe it is. Did you ever stop to think about THAT, Cuje?  
Joseph: No, and don't call me Cuje if you want to retain your manhood.  
Stevie: Guys, guys. There's no need to become contentious.  
Fischer: We're bored! Boredity bored! (Plays with some dustbunnies he found under his locker stall.)  
Shanahan: Yeah, well, I'm not bored! So there! (Sticks tongue out at the others.)  
Holmström: How are you not bored, Brendan?  
Shanahan: I'm imagining Stevie in a pink tutu riding a unicycle in circles. (Hums the circus theme song to himself.)  
Stevie: That's more than a little creepy, Bren. (Pause.) And they don't need to know about my tutu.  
~Enter Fedorov sporting a black eye and a Rangers jersey~  
Fedorov: So, you've probably heard by now. I was in a car accident.  
Dandenault: Another car accident? How many points is that on your license now?  
Fedorov: None. I worked them out with the judge because I'm Sergei freaking Fedorov! (Haughty.)  
Draper: I bet you worked them out with the judge, you manwhore. (Scowl.)  
Fedorov: That so did not happen! Stop confusing me with your gay porn!  
Stevie: And why are you wearing that jersey? As far as I know, you're still a Wing.  
Fedorov: That's what YOU think. (Sniffs.)  
Stevie: (Scowls at Fedorov.)  
Maltby: I have an idea on how to fight off boredom!  
Fischer: What's your idea?  
Maltby: We could give one another Indian nicknames! Like... (Pause.) You're... Runs-With-Scissors. And Shanny over there is Plays-In-Traffic. (Points to Shanahan.)  
Shanahan: (Glares.) And you're going to be Gets-His-Ass-Kicked-By-Shanahan in a couple seconds. (Cracks knuckles.)  
Maltby: (Runs off.)  
Larionov: That wasn't fun. That was sad.  
Joseph: Well, you're not a fun person.  
Larionov: Says who?  
Joseph: Says me.  
Larionov: You also say that you were anally probed by aliens.  
Joseph: That really did happen! Don't mock me! (Shrilly.)  
Stevie: No one's mocking you, CuJo.  
Joseph: (Points to Larionov.) That hobbit over there is!  
Larionov: How many times do I have to tell you? I'm not a hobbit.  
Joseph: You'll never fool me, hobbit!  
Larionov: (Rolls eyes.) Idiot.  
Joseph: Hobbit.  
Stevie: Guys, cut it out. This is one of the most pointless arguments I've ever witnessed. (Shakes head. Larionov and Joseph glare at Stevie.) Okay okay, guys.  
Manny: (Runs in.) Guys, the entry draft players are here!  
Shanahan: Ooh, can I have some fun with them?  
Stevie: No! Remember what happened the LAST time?  
-Stevie conventiently walks out of the lockerroom to further the plot-  
::Flashback::  
Zetterberg: (Running around in a pirate hat and an eyepatch.) I am Pirate Zata! I am taking you as my hostage! (Starts poking Fischer with a wooden sword.)  
Fischer: Ow! That hurts! Ow! Stop it!   
Stevie: (To Shanny.) This is the LAST time I let you make the punch.  
Shanny: Aw, alls I did was slip in a little moonshine to liven up the proceedings!  
Stevie: (Shakes head.) Let's just hope the media doesn't find out abou -   
Kopecky: (Chasing after Art Regner.) Come back, Mommy! You need to give me my bath!  
Stevie: (Hides face in hands.)  
::End Flashback::  
Maltby: Okay... (Thinks.) Which eighties movie chick would you most rather have? Molly Ringwald or...uh... (Pauses.)  
Shanny: I SO would've given my left nut to be with Molly Ringwald.  
Manny: Your left nut? Why your left nut, as opposed to the other one?  
Shanny: Oh, it's misshapen.  
Manny: You'd give Molly Ringwald a deformed testicle? How selfish can you be?  
McCarty: I'd DEFINITELY give Molly Ringwald my good nut.  
Draper: Guys, guys, you're way off base. I so would have given Phoebe Cates my good nut.  
-Enter Stevie at the end of Draper's sentence-  
Stevie: (Pauses.) Whoa. I REALLY need to stop walking in at the end of sentences.


	84. Farewell, Amen, Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team says farewell to Sergei Fedorov and hello to Ray Whitney and Derian Hatcher. And Fischer gets in trouble, and Yzerman has to save him.
> 
> I stole another line from the Simpsons.
> 
> Still not entirely sure why we started calling Fedorov "Freds."

-At Center I.C.E in Traverse City-  
Fischer: Wow, I can't believe that Freds is gone.  
Shanny: *I* can. (Looks around.) I never liked him.  
Fedorov: (Sniffs indignantly.) I haven't actually left yet, you know.  
Shanny: Oh, uh, hehe! (Laughs nervously.)  
Fedorov: (Sighs.)  
Joseph: We should have a going-away party for Freds! (Claps hands giddily.)  
Fedorov: Noooo.  
All: YES!  
Fedorov: (Sighs and shakes head.)  
Fischer: I can make balloon animals! (Excited.)  
Maltby: Oh God. (Hides face in hands.)  
Fedorov: Please don't. Just let me go. (Pleadingly.)  
Fischer: (Hugs Fedorov tightly.) Good bye, Sergei! I'm going to miss you! (Begins to cry.)  
Fedorov: Get...OFF...of me...  
Stevie: Someone grab Fisch before Sergei strangles him.  
Shanny: (Pulls Fischer and Sergei apart.) C'mon, Fisch. Let's go make balloon puppy dogs. (They leave.)  
McCarty: You know if you leave us, you'll never win another Stanley Cup.  
Fedorov: Who CARES about Stanley Cups? All I need is beaches, cars and girls.  
Maltby: (Angrily.) Good riddance! Don't let the door hit you on your overpaid ass on the way out!  
Fedorov: (Narrows eyes.) I hope you get botulism!  
Maltby: And I hope someone messes up your hair!  
Fedorov: (Shrieks.)  
Fischer: (Begins throwing party streamers around.) Whoo hoo! Party time!  
Fedorov: (Sighs.) This really isn't necessary.  
Devereaux: Man, how are we going to replace all of Freds's goals?  
McCarty: We could dress up a circus bear in Sergei's jersey and send him on the ice to maul the opposition.  
Draper: Dude, that would be SO cool!  
Fedorov: That would SO not work! They'd know it wasn't me!  
McCarty: (Pensive. Scratches chin.) Yeah. A circus bear in a tutu would get more ice ti - (Fedorov hits him.) Heyyy!  
Yzerman: (Holds up hands.) Boys, boys, stop fighting!  
Fedorov: I don't have to listen to you anymore anyway! (Stands up and rips off Wings jersey to reveal an Anaheim Mighty Ducks jersey.) I'm going to Disneyland! Yaaaaaaah! (Pumps his fist into the air and runs off screaming.)  
-Long uncomfortable silence-  
Shanny: Good riddance! (Yells after him.) We don't need you anyway! We've still got Dmitri Bykov! (Turns to Bykov's empty locker.) Bykov?  
Datsyuk: Uh... (Takes a pocket dictionary out of his hockey pants.) Bykov go back to motherland. (Flips page.)  
Draper: (Scratches head.) So Jimmy went back to Russia?  
Datsyuk: (Flips a page, nods.) Da, yes.  
Draper: WHY?  
Datsyuk: They offered him a brand spanking new Lada. (Haltingly.)  
Draper: A LADA? He left us over a freaking LADA?  
Datsyuk: But it was FREE Lada.  
Draper: (Ponders.) Oh... (Shrugs.)  
~Later on, at training camp~  
Fan1: Oh, Mr. Shanahan! Sign my boobs! (Lifts shirt.)  
Fan2: (Waving baby.) Dominik, I named my kid after you!  
Hasek: Uh, that's nice. (Woman thrusts baby into his arms and Dom holds baby away from him and wrinkles nose in disgust.)  
Fischer: (Jumps up behind a fan in his jersey.) Wow, it's me! (Long pause.) But I don't have boobs.  
Fan3: Jiri, I want to be your baby's momma! (Pounce.)  
Fischer: (Shrieks. Runs and hides behind Hatcher.) Is she gone yet? (Peeks out from behind Hatcher.)  
Hatcher: Uh, she's trying to molest Jiri Hudler now.  
Fan3: Fischy, make me yours!  
Hudler: Fischer's over there. (Points over to where Hatcher and Fischer are standing.) Muwahahahaha.  
Fischer: Damn! (Flees.)  
Chelios: (Runs into Yzerman and knocks him over.) Oof!  
Yzerman: (On ground.) Ouch! My knee!  
Chelios: It wasn't me! (Looks around wildly and runs off.)  
Yzerman: Dammit.  
Schneider: (Running after Chelios.) Come back here, you little - (Runs into Yzerman as he's getting up.)  
Yzerman: What the hell are you DOING?  
Schneider: (Petulantly.) Chelly stole my Yu-Gi-Oh cards!  
Yzerman: Your WHAT?  
Schneider: (Angry.) My Yu-Gi-Oh cards!  
Yzerman: (Furrows brow.) Okay, what were you doing with Yu-Gi-Oh cards in the first place? (Pauses.) On second thought, I don't care. I should be used to this by now. (Wanders off.)  
Hull: (To Shanny.) Yannow, I can't wait until we trade CuJo.  
Joseph: (Walks by.) My ears are burning.)  
Hull: (Defensively.) WHAT?! I wasn't even TALKING about you!  
CuJo: No, my ears are really burning. I lit a Q-tip to see inside. (Smoke billows out of ears.)  
Shanny: Man...our goalies are weird... At least MANNY'S normal.  
Draper: Bren, don't look now, but... (Manny Legace is running around in nothing but a leopard print Speedo, with the words 'sex machine' painted on his ass cheeks.)  
Shanny: (Looks at Manny.) It says a lot about our organization when HE'S the normal one.  
Manny: Sex machine, I am a sex machi - (Hull clubs him over the head with a nine-iron.)  
Lewis: Now, was that really necessary, Brett?  
Hull: Yes.  
Hasek: (Runs up to Lewis, squirming.)  
Lewis: (Sighs.) Yes, Dom?  
Hasek: Can I go to the bathroom?  
Lewis: You don't need my permission to take a piss, Dom. Is that how Scotty ran things around here?  
Hasek: Yes, yes it is.  
Lewis: Good God, get out of here before you spring a leak.  
Hudler: (Petulantly.) All these girls are mistaking me for Fischer. They keep wanting to be my baby's momma.  
~Fischer tries to sneak by in a disguise~  
Fan1: JIRI! (Spots Fischer in a bear suit.) JIRI, IMPREGNATE ME! (A stampede of girls run after Fischer.)  
Shanny: That bear in a tutu is getting chased by a bunch of pre-teen girls... (Wistfully.) Man, how I wish I was that bear.  
Yzerman: ACTUALLY, that's Fischy.  
Shanny: How can you tell?  
Yzerman: The girlish shrieking gave him away.  
Shanny: Oh...  
~Meanwhile, Fischer has climbed up a tree in his bear suit~  
Fischer: HELP! Someone, save me! I'm afraid of heights!  
Lewis: Someone better save him, or your asses are all grass! (Glares at the team.)  
Team: (Looks around guiltily.)  
Maltby: Uh... He can jump and I can try to catch him?  
Draper: YOU catch HIM? You dropped my baby last night!  
Maltby: He was SLIPPERY!  
Draper: He's a BABY! You should try to be more careful, Butterfingers!  
Hull: Ladies, ladies, please. (Draper and Maltby scowl at him.) We  
have a stud defenseman in imminent danger?  
Maltby: Why don't we get a tranquilizer gun and shoot him up with tranquilizers and have him falls on a trampoline, and then - (Yzerman cuts him off.)  
Yzerman: Uh, Kirk, we want to SAVE Fischy, not kill him.  
Maltby: But it worked on TV!  
Yzerman: You also think the WWE is real and that the Joe Millionaire butler is a real butler.  
Maltby: But it IS real! And he was SO a real butler! He even had his own butler suit! (Shrilly.)  
Yzerman: (Sighs, removes his suit coat and shoes.) Must I do everything myself?  
Shanny: Are you sure this is a good idea? You might, I dunno, reinjure that bad knee? (Smiles eagerly and rubs hands together, cackling.) Mwahaha.  
Yzerman: Don't worry, Brendan. I'm not going to blow my knee out.  
Shanahan: (Pouts.)  
Yzerman: (Climbs up tree.) Hi, Fisch.  
Fischer: I don't wanna die.  
Yzerman: Just climb on my back and I'll carry you to safety.  
Fischer: (Climbs onto his back and clings tightly.) Mommy.  
Yzerman: (Begins climbing down tree, stops.) What's that long, pointy thing that's digging into my back? (Worried.)  
Fischer: (Reaches down.) It's my popsicle! (Licks it happily.)  
Yzerman: Are you dripping on the back of my neck?  
Fischer: It's okay, I'll just lick it off.  
Yzerman: Uh, no thanks... That's kind of gay.  
Shanahan: And how! (Fischer falls out of tree and crushes him.)  
Fischer: (Sits up.) Yay, I'm not dead!  
Shanahan: (From under Fischer.) ...oooooooooh...


	85. The One With the Inuits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team argues over costumes, Cujo returns, and Shanahan makes some racist comments.
> 
> In which someone finally gets narrative comeuppance for being a dick.
> 
> Also continuity fail again. Nick dressed as a cowboy the year before.

-In lockerroom prior to the Nashville game-  
~enter Cujo~  
Cujo: (Cheerily, with not a care in the world.) Hey guys. Great to be back.  
Fischer: (Runs up to him and pounces.) Eeee! Cujo, you're back! I missed you! (Bounces Cujo.)  
Cujo: Uh, thanks Fisch... Uh, you can put me down now.  
Manny: How's it hanging, Cuje? (Slaps him on the back.)  
Cujo: (Under breath.) Wouldn't YOU like to know... (Perks.) Annnnyway... Guys, guys, settle down. It's not like you've never seen me before.  
Fischer: I'm just so GLAD you're BACK! (Squees.)  
Hasek: (Coughs loudlly.) Excuse me? You forget someone?  
Fischer: Yeah... (Thinks long and hard.) OZZIE!  
Hasek: (Scowls.) Harumph. (Goes back to carving Jack o' Lantern of Cujo with a knife in his back in locker stall.)  
~enter Hull dressed as a goat~  
Hull: (Has a bucket of candy.) Baa baa, happy Hallowe'en!  
Shanny: Why are you dressed as a llama?  
Hull: I'm not a llama, ass goblin. I'm a goat. As in, the Old Goat and the Two Kids? (Looks back. Scowls.) Come ON, guys. I didn't pay you to hang out in the hallway.  
~enter Zetterberg and Datsyuk also dressed as goats~  
Zetterberg: You didn't pay us at ALL. (Pouts.)  
Datsyuk: *This is so very demeaning. I am no goat.*  
Hull: (Begins to laugh.) We are so going to win the costume contest!  
Dandenault: But Nick ALWAYS wins.  
Hull: He always dresses as a hobo!  
Dandenault: But a very GOOD hobo, you have to admit.  
Lidstrom: Just watch out. I might surprise you this year.  
Shanny: Surprise us? YOU? That's a laugh! (Cackles.)  
Lidstrom: (Glowers.) YEAH, surprise you! (Pulls a black Hefty bag from locker.) I'm going to put on my costume now. You'll regret doubting me. (Stalks off, nose in the air.)  
Yzerman: He takes these contests too seriously. All you win is a $25 gift certificate for a hair cut at Bo-Rics.  
Hudler: I guess he really wants that hair cut.  
Hatcher: Your costumes all pale in comparison to mine. (Puts on a paper Hasek mask.) It's the scariest one I could find.   
Hasek: (Snarls.) Oh yeah? Well how 'bout this? (Puts on Hatcher mask.) This is the scariest one *I* could find!  
Maltby: Dude, you so can NOT dress up as a teammate. That's, like, akin to cheating.  
McCarty: Akin? Malts must be using his Word-A-Day calendar!  
Maltby: (Punches McCarty in the face.) Anyway, I need a really inventive costume, 'cause I really need that hair cut, and I'm too cheap to pay for one.   
Draper: You actually WANT the certificate to Bo Rics? Damn, I could give you a better hair cut blindfolded!  
Woolley: (Rubbing a bald spot.) I wouldn't trust him if I were you...  
Draper: It's only 'cause you moved.  
Woolley: Yeah, you stabbed me with the scissors.  
Draper: I can not be held responsible for what the scissors do.   
Woolley: (Grumbles.)  
Draper: (To Yzerman.) So, Stevie, what are YOU gonna dress up as this year?  
Yzerman: (Eyes him suspiciously.) You're not going to steal my idea, are you?  
Draper: (Hides recording device behind back.) Why no, of COURSE not!  
Yzerman: I'm going as Carmen Miranda.  
Fischer: Who's Carmen Miranda? Isn't that what police say to me when I'm arrested for stealing ladies' underthings from clotheslines?   
All: (Turn to look at Fischer as one.)  
Fischer: WHAT?  
Yzerman: Carmen Miranda was a Latina entertainer. She wore a hat made out of fruit and wore midriff baring outfits and such.  
Hull: You're dressing in drag? That's kinda gay.  
Fischer: (Muses.) Probably why she had the fruits on her hat.  
Maltby: (Smacks him.)  
Cujo: It doesn't matter! None of your costumes will trump mine! (Haughtily.)  
Manny: What are you dressing up as?  
Cujo: Ahahaha... You'll see.  
All: (Look at one another nervously.)  
-later on-  
~teams are skating around for pregame warmups and such~  
Hull: So, did Cujo ever show us what he was wearing for Hallowe'en?  
Chelios: Nope. Bastard welshed on us.  
-Cujo comes onto ice-  
Devereaux: So, what are you dressed as, Cujo?  
Cujo: (Looks at them mysteriously.)  
Manny: Ok, he's beginning to creep me out. (Cujo continues to stare, Manny looks away.) Mommy.  
Lewis: (From bench.) Cujo, are you trying to mind-meld again?  
Cujo: Um, no sir. (Coughs. Skates off.)  
Chelios: That whole entire exchange was... How do I put this...  
Hull: Gay.  
Maltby: What's your sudden obsession with the word 'gay', Brett?  
Brett: I need to stop watching so much 'Queer Eye'.  
Fischer: Bizarre?  
Holmstrom: Maudlin?  
Draper: Don't misuse the word 'maudlin'. It makes me sad.  
Datsyuk: Invidious?  
All: (Look at Datsyuk.)  
Hull: When did YOU learn English, Pavs?  
Datsyuk: Night classes.  
Fischer: How'd you manage night classes with a baby?  
Datsyuk: (Shrugs.) Needed something to do.  
Draper: What does 'invidious' mean?  
Maltby: Here. (Hands him his Word-A-Day calendar.)  
Chelios: Anyway, you're all wrong. The word I was going for was invidi - Holy... The Russian got it right! (Is amazed.)  
Datsyuk: We is smart peoples.  
Chelios: Um. Okay.  
Lidstrom: Igor was the smartest Wing of all and he was Russian.  
Dandenault: You guys wanna hear something funny?  
All: No.  
Dandenault: (Continues on.) When I went to Iggy's house to help him pack, I went into the basement... And I found THIS. (Holds up book titled "Igor Larionov's Plan for World  
Dominance in Twelve Easy Steps".)  
Fischer: (Scratches head.) Wow. There was a lot about Iggy we never knew.  
Shanny: (Is being pulled around on the ice on a little sled. Said sled is attached to Manny.) Mush, Manny! Mush! (Makes 'whip' noise.)  
Yzerman: What the hell are you DOING?  
Shanny: This is my Hallowe'en costume! I'm an Eskimo! (Is wearing a fur coat.)  
Yzerman: Actually, the PC term is Inuit.  
Shanny: Inuit shminuit.  
Manny: (Panting.) Remind me never to dress up as a husky for Halloween again.  
~a bunch of Preds skate over~  
Tootoo: Which one of you made the comment about Inuits?  
All: (Point to Shanny.)  
Tootoo: (Walks over. Punches him. Leaves.)  
Shanny: Them's fightin' words, Pred! This calls for WAR!!! Blood!!! Gore!!! (Shakes fist after him.)  
Maltby: You asked for it.  
Fischer: And how.  
Manny: (Inches away from Shanny.)  
-Fischer gets hit in the head with an errant puck-  
Shanny: (Points at him and laughs.) HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  
(Wheezes.) I win! Finally!  
All: (Look at one another worriedly.)  
-Tootoo comes back and kicks him in the groin-  
All: (Let out their breaths.)


	86. A Very Red Wing Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Red Wings celebrate Christmas with Secret Santas.

-Stevie enter lockerroom holding a long list titled 'Things To Do'-  
Shanny: (Scratches head.) Hey, aren't you supposed to be on IR?  
Sqtevie: For all intents and purposes, yes. When it comes to planning the Christmas party all on my own, no. (Pulls a box of Christmas lights out of his locker.) Hey, who took all my X-mas lights?!  
~Dom hops into lockerroom bound with Christmas lights~  
Hull: What the hell happened to you?  
Doom: (Wriggles head free.) I was ambushed in the weight room!  
Hull: (Cackles.) That's the most outrageous thing I've ever heard!  
Dom: (Indignant.) It really happened!  
Hull: I'm not arguing THAT, Dom. YOU in a weightroom, however? (Snickers.) You couldn't weigh 130 pounds sopping wet.  
Dom: (Pissy.) Will you stop gawking at me and help me out here?  
Hull: (Spins Dom out of lights.) There ya go.  
Dom: (Stumbles dizzily into a trash can.)  
~Enter Cujo and Manny~  
Manny: (In a red and green toque, singing carols.) 'Tis the season to be jolly... Fa la la la la, la la la la!   
Cujo: (Shoots him daggers.) Why do you have to be so damned...FESTIVE?  
Manny: I'm just in a Christmassy kinda mood, Cuje! (Chipperly.)  
Cujo: (Hits Manny over the head with a yule log.)  
All: (Eye Cujo warily.)  
Cujo: You guys don't know how many times I've asked Santa's Little Helper over there not to call me Cuje! (Wide eyed and hysterical.)  
Manny: (From ground.) Nineteen times...  
Stevie: (Clears throat.) Okay, who swiped my Vicodan. (Long pause.) Again.  
Datsyuk: (Raises hand timidly.)  
Stevie: (Gapes at him.) YOU? Why?!  
Datsyuk: (Points to Zetterberg, who is sawing off his cast.)   
Stevie: (Steals Vicodan back from Henrik.) Yoink. (Pops a few.) Anyway, I need guys for our Secret Santas Little Helpers. Any volunteers?  
Draper: (Leaps into air and flails arms.) Oooooh, me! Pick me! Me!  
Hull: (Elbows his way in front of Draper.) Pick me! It counts toward my community service!  
Devereaux: Community service? Whatever for?  
Hull: Oh, just - (mumbles) - grand theft auto, this, that and the other.  
Devereaux: You stole a car?!  
Chelios: (Hobbles in.) ACTUALLY, he stole an Oscar Meyers' Weinermobile and... (Pause.) Overdosed on hotdogs. (Facepalm.)  
Hull: (Belches loudly.) Mmmmm. Regurgitated weiners. (Licks lips.)  
Zetterberg: Yes, freedom is finally mine! (Splits cast and pries it open. Takes a step and promptly falls to the ground.) Mmmmm. Vicodan. (Gobbles up pills.)  
Hudler: (Sighs.) The walking wounded.  
Rivers: Why do you say THAT, Huddles?  
Hudler: (Shrug.) I don't know. It sounded a hell of a lot better than my FIRST idea: Oh my God, we're fucking doomed.  
Stevie: So, Drapes and... (Ignores Hull, who is jumping up and down.) Drapes and SHANNY can be the elves.  
Hull: SHANNY? You ALWAYS pick him!  
Stevie: Not always. There was that one time he was mysteriously run over by your car...  
Shanny: (Smug.) That's 'cuz Stevie wuvs me.  
Hull: (Crosses arms across chest and pouts.) Hmph.  
Stevie: (Scowls.) Okay, now someone needs to stop yoinking the cookies I'm leaving out for Santa.  
All: (Eyes immediately fall on Hull.)  
Hull: (Mouth full.) 'y 're 'ou 'laming 'eeeeeee? I 'idn't 'eal 'em!   
Stevie: Nevermind. (Sighs.) Who wants to be in charge of wrapping gifts? Mathieu? (Looks at Schneider.) You in?  
Schneider: You bet your sweet ass I'm in!  
Maltby: Did he just say sweet ass?  
Stevie: Hmmm, now all we need is a santa and we should be set.  
Fischer: (Innocently.) What about Hullie? He all ready has the big round belly!  
Stevie: Sounds good to me. (Puts names into a hat and shakes them up.) Ssince I'm captain, I pick first. (Picks a slip of paper, opens it.) Hmm, hope you like socks, Dandy, 'cause that's what you're getting.  
Dandy: You're not supposed to tell me you got me! (Puts fingers in ears and begins to hum.) La la la, not LISTENING!  
Kronwall: Stevie's not very good at secret keeping...  
Stevie: ...and Brendan told me he sold nuclear warheads to Ireland -   
Shanny: I TOLD you never to tell anyone! (Stomps feet.)  
Stevie: - and he dresses in women's underwear.  
Shanny: You bastard.  
Williams: I got my own name! Does that mean I get to give presents to myself?  
Stevie: (Growing frustrated.) No! Pick someone else! Pick... pick... BOYD! (Points to Boyd.)  
Devereaux: Dammit!  
Stevie: (Loudly.) DOM! (Dom is dozing off.) PAY ATTENTION!  
Dom: (Jumps to feet. Cries out in pain and collapses.) Ohhh, my groin rip!!! It burns! It burns like fire in crotch!!! (Writhing in pain.)  
Stevie: (Sighs.) The Groin Injury Fairy strikes again.  
Fischer: (Perks.) Groin Injury Fairy? Like the THONG Fairy?  
Hull: No, Fisch. This fairy is a BAD fairy. (Waggles fingers at him.)  
Fischer: But how can it be a bad fairy? I thought all fairies were good fairies... (Puzzled.)  
Bootland: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! (Laughs.) Ha! Ha! Ha!  
Maltby: Does this flavored lip gloss make me look gay? (Smacks lips.)  
Bootland: I should have just kept my big mouth shut. (Slinks off.)  
McCarty: How can I tell you if you won't let me kiss you? (They kiss.)  
McCarty: (Smacks lips.) Hmm. It DOES taste kind of gay.  
Maltby: Damn. Not again.  
Chelios: What straight guy in their right mind wears flavored lip gloss?  
Fischer: (Points.) Malts does.  
Chelios: As I said, what straight guy in their right mind wears flavored lip glo - (Maltby punches him.) Ouch, my knee just went out. (Collapses.)  
Stevie: (To Maltby, angrily.) All right, just for that, you're fired! (Stomps foot, points to door.)  
Maltby: You can't fire me!  
Stevie: I'm the captain! I can do any thing I damn well please!  
Shanny: And how!  
~Team's giant Christmas tree falls on Shanny~


	87. Goalie Duel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cujo and Dom decide to settle the goalie situation, once and for all.
> 
> I give up.

~Team is in lockerroom~  
Hasek: Good news, guys! I'm coming back! (No one reacts.) All right, everyone, don't all come groveling at my feet all at once.  
Cujo: You haven't done much better than me!  
Hasek: Well, you suck and I don't. So there.  
Yzerman: There's got to be a logical, adult way to solve our goalie problem.  
Maltby: Adult? As in porn?  
Yzerman: No. Adult, as in mature.  
Maltby: (Face falls.) Nuts.  
Devereaux: I have a solution!  
Yzerman: What's your idea, Boydie?  
Devereaux: A goalie duel!  
Hasek: (Making fists.) I think I like that idea. Mwa hahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa. (Coughs.) Ha.  
Yzerman: What if they both get hurt?  
Devereaux: We've always got Coach Kocur. (Manny scowls.)  
Yzerman: Eh, okay. (Shrugs.) Knock yourselves out. (Pause.) But not literally.  
~Dom and Cujo scamper off~  
Shanahan: (Nudges Stevie.) Hey, Steve, you sure that's such a good idea?  
Yzerman: No, but since when have they ever listened to me?  
Shanahan: Good point.  
~Dom and Cujo return with SuperSoakers strapped to their backs~  
Datsyuk: Okay water guns at 10 paces. (Dom and Cujo line up back to back.)  
Shanahan: This entire thing is ludicrous.  
Devereaux: I happen to think it's exciting. Like West Side Story. Only with goalies, not gangs. (Pauses.) And they're two guys, not a guy and a girl. (Pauses.) And they're Czech and Canadian, not Puerto Rican and American.  
Datsyuk: 1...2...10!!!! (Cackles evilly.)  
Hasek: Take THAT and THAT and THAT!!! (Sprays Cujo in the face.) HA! I warned you, didn't I?  
Cujo: No, you didn't! You just started spraying me! You cheater! (Splutters.)  
Hasek: Since when have I ever played fair?  
Cujo: Good point. (Fumbles with SuperSoaker.) Hey, someone squirted glue into my trigger...  
Hasek: (Throws arms up in air.) WOOHOO! I win! (Flees.)  
Yzerman: (Grabs him by the back of his collar.) Not so fast, Dom. You cheated, so we're going to have to find some other way to settle this.  
Dandenault: How about a bathing suit contest? (Holds up Speedos.)  
All: (Cringe.) Ew. No.  
Hasek: No one wants to see me in a Speedo?  
Draper: GOD no.  
Chelios: I would have to pluck out my eyeballs after seeing Dom in a Speedo.  
Fischer: That's almost as wrong as me dressing in frilly little girl underpants. (Pause.) Almost.  
Chelios: (Eyes Fischer shiftily, inches closer to Shanny.)  
Shanahan: Dude, I would so not do that if I were you. I just had a Super Chily Burrito...heavy on the beans.  
Chelios: (Inches closer to Manny.)  
Maltby: Guys, our problem has just been solved.  
~Cujo and Dom lay writhing on the lockerroom floor, clutching their groins~  
Yzerman: MALTS! What the hell did you do to them?!!   
Maltby: I just fixed their problem. (Grins, cracks knuckles.)  
Cujo: (From ground.) Owwie. Burns like fire in crotch. He kicked me in my groinal area. (Writhes.)  
Hasek: Eeeps. No more baby Haseks for me.  
Yzerman: KIRK! What do I always tell you?  
Maltby: Stop pinching my ass?  
Yzerman: No!!! (Gets odd looks.) Well, that too. And violence is never the answer!  
Maltby: Aw, not even a little violence?  
Yzerman: NO! No violence at all! We need one of them for tomorrow's game!  
Fischer: We do have Manny, guys. He's been the best out of all our goalies.  
Yzerman: The kid has a point. (Scratches chin.)  
Draper: We should just go with Manny.  
Yzerman: All in favor, say 'Aye'.  
Everyone But Dom and Cujo: Aye.  
Yzerman: All opposed, say 'Nay'.  
Dom/Cujo: (From ground.) NAY!  
Yzerman: The motion is carried. (Bangs a blow up gavel.) Now on to other business... Tomas? (Holmström steps forward.)  
Holmström: I have exciting news!  
Datsyuk: You had your colon cleansed?  
Holmström: No, I -   
Fischer: Oooh, oooh, your wife is really a man in a dress!!!  
Holmström: No... (Pause.) At least I don't think so...  
Fischer: I watch too much Jerry Springer, sorry... (Hangs head in shame.)  
Chelios: It's okay, Fischy. (Pets him.)  
Holmström: Keep guessing, guys!  
Maltby: Those pills really won't increase my penis size?  
Holmström: NO! (Pause.) And I just learned I have a half-brother named Gunther! He's coming to visit me!  
Manny: I didn't know you had a brother, Homer.  
Holmström: Neither did I, until my dad called me up to tell me that he knocked up some whore from Skelleftea 25 years ago.  
Shanahan: That would be so cool if he was the evil Holmström and he tried to take your spot on the team and seduce your wife.  
Holmström: Okaaaaay... You need to get out more, Brendan.  
Shanahan: I know. (Slinks off in shame.)  
Chelios: So, what does your brother do?  
Holmström: He's an actor -  
Devereaux: Cool.  
Holmström: - in gay pornos.  
Devereaux: Oooh.  
Holmström: His stage name is Hardy McAss. When he comes, you all have to address him as Hardy, or he won't answer to you.  
All: (Raise eyebrows.) Okaaay.  
Holmström: According to Daddy, he has multiple personalities, and Hardy McAss is one of them.  
Maltby: That's seriously cracked up, dude.  
Holmström: Daddy smoked a lot of pot back in the day. It must have severely retarded his sperm.  
McCarty: Dude, that's so fucked up!!! You still call your dad 'daddy'?!  
Maltby: His half-brother with multiple personality disorder acts in pornos, and that's what strikes you as odd?  
McCarty: (Shrugs.) I have my priorities.  
Shanahan: And how!  
~A boxing glove on a spring comes out of Shanny's locker and punches him out~  
Shanahan: (From ground, writhing.) I should really stop doing that.  
Yzerman: No, don't. It entertains me.


	88. Jackass Junior High

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dom Dom won't go away, so Hull concocts a plan to rid the team of Hasek once and for all. Also featuring kitten killing, Steve Yzerman's braces. and Harvey the Hound.
> 
> I stole a bit from Master Ninja. And I stole the title from NewsRadio.

~Team is in lockerroom~  
Chelios: All we do is sit around this damn lockerroom. Don't we have better things we could be doing?  
Zetterberg: I could be teaching my beta fish to develop a taste for human flesh.  
Holmström: I could be digging for pirate booty.  
Bootland: What about me? (Inches away from Homer.)  
Holmström: No, not YOUR booty. PIRATE booty. Something tells me there's pirate booty buried under the visitors' lockerroom of the Pengrowth Saddledome.  
Mowers: You're insane.  
Holmström: No, my name is Tomas. (Smiles blankly. Mowers rolls his eyes.)  
-enter Fischer-  
Fischer: (Waving his arms wildly.) Help! Someone help me!  
Hull: What've you got there, Fisch? (Points to a piece of paper in Jiri's hand.)  
Fischer: (Thrusts it into Hull's face.) Look at what those horrible monsters are doing to that poor little kitten!   
Hull: (Holds paper away from his face.) Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten? (Looks at Fischer and arches eyebrow.)  
Fischer: I just killed four kittens before lunch!  
Yzerman: (Walking by.) Okay, TMI.  
Hull: (Rolls eyes.) Dude... Just... NO. (Shakes head.)   
Fischer: What if God's a kitten?  
Hull: Well, then he's obviously getting rid of his competition.  
Fischer: But what do kittens compete for?  
Hull: Points. First one to 1,000,000 points wins a free toaster.  
Fischer: Well, do you think they'd ever be able to clone kittens faster than I can masturbate?  
Hull: (Rolls eyes.) I wouldn't worry about it.  
Fischer: Are you sure? I'm pretty fast.  
Hull: Trust me.  
Yzerman: Brett, that's enough. He obviously doesn't understand what sarcasm is.  
Hull: Who said anything about sarcasm?  
Yzerman: (Blinks.) Okay, I'm just going to go to my corner and ignore you now. (Goes to corner and turns his back on the team.)  
-enter Shanny-  
Shanny: (Eyes Fischer. Walks up to Stevie's corner and taps him on the shoulder.) Um, Steve? Could you please tell Jiri to put his pants back on?  
Yzerman: (Looks at Fischer, covers eyes in horror.) Jiri! Put your pants back on! No one needs to be seeing that.  
Fischer: Aye aye captain! (Pulls up his pants.)  
Datsyuk: I'm going to dig a hole to China! And not a one of you can stop me! (Points into air and stomps his foot.)  
Lang: No you're not!  
Devereaux: (Looks at ceiling.) Thank God. A voice of reason. (Long pause.) Finally.  
Lang: Well, at least not without ME you're not!  
Devereaux: (Sighs. Crosses Lang's name off of a list hanging up in his locker stall.)  
Hull: (Pokes Boyd on the shoulder.) Come on Boyd! Share some of your cotton candy with me! I'm HUNGRY!  
Devereaux: Get your OWN goddamn cotton candy! It's my cotton candy, MINE! (Hisses at Hull.)  
Yzerman: (Sighs.) Now I understand why some animals kill their young. (Facepalm.)  
Devereaux: (Looks back up at the ceiling.) Dear God... We're screwed.  
Mowers: (Looks over at Boyd.) What'cha lookin' at, Boydie? (Looks at ceiling too.)  
Devereaux: (Sighs heavily.)  
Yzerman: Oh my GOD, my lipsh are shtuck to my brashes! (Running around in circles. Flaps his arms wildly.)  
Shanny: (Chases after him.) Here, let me use my tongue to dislodge them, Stevie! (Pounces Yzerman.) Hey - stop wriggling so much!   
-enter Dom in full uniform-  
Hasek: Okay boys! Let's go get 'em! (Pumps fist in air.) We can do it! I believe!  
Hull: Didn't we fire you?  
Hasek: Yes, but I'm stalking you. (Pause.) Again.  
Hatcher: (Shrilly.) Dude, get a LIFE. Stop stalking me! I'm not interested!  
Legace: (Tugs on Hatcher's jersey.) Actually, Derian, that wasn't Dom. That was me.  
Hatcher: Oh, right... YOU'RE the one who's trying to sleep with me. Dom's just trying to poison me. (Looks over at Dom, who is pouring a vial of strange colored liquid into Derian's Power Aide.)  
Hasek: What are you looking at ME for? (Tucks vial into his jock.)  
Hull: Um... No reason. (Wanders off, whistling.)  
Williams: (Looks at Fischer's picture.) So I guess this means we should stop masturbating?  
Fischer: What are you looking at ME for? I don't like kittens THAT much!  
Hull: (Deep in thought, brow furrowed.)  
Williams: (Nudges Hull.) Hey, what are you thinking about so hard, that you're scrunching your face all up? You look like a PUG dog! A pug dog! Hee hee! (Laughs and points. Hull scowls.)  
Hull: I'm thinking about how badly I want a ham sandwich, that I'm trying to materialize one out of thin air using only the power of my mind... And how to get rid of Hasek once and for all.  
Williams: (Devious smile.) I like the way you think... (Scratches chin.) Ham on rye or ham on pumpernick - (Hull smacks him upside the head.)  
Zetterberg: (Walks by.) Who's pumping Nick? No one's pumping Nick! Not I! (Defensively.)  
Williams: I was talking about bread.  
Zetterberg: Oh, uh... So was I... Heh. (Wanders off.)  
Williams: Odd... (Trails off.) So, how do you plan on getting rid of Hasek once and for all? Setting him up with a phony assault charge didn't - (Hull punches Williams in the mouth.)  
Hull: Shut you up!   
Hasek: (Walks over to Hull and Williams.) Who said something about a phony assault charge?  
Williams: I, uh, was talking about my, uh, foamy ass discharge. (Coughs.)  
Hull: (Very loudly.) Yeah! Willy has, uh, syphilis in his butt!  
All: (Pause what they're doing to gape at Williams, and then Hull.)  
Hasek: (Reaches into his hockey pants and pulls out a vial.) Here, it'll take care of that butt syphilis.  
Williams: (Avoids the vial.) I'm not taking anything hoarded in your jock, Dom. (Backs away from Hasek.)  
Hasek: I'm only trying to help! (Stuffs it back into his pants. Wanders off.)  
Yzerman: Tell me you guysh were only joking about the butt shyphalish.  
Hull: The what in the what now?  
Yzerman: BUTT SHYPHALISH.  
Hull: I can't make out a word you're saying, Mumbly McStutters!  
Yzerman: (Glares at Hull.) Ash hole!  
Hull: Ash hole?   
Yzerman: (Stamps his feet like a child and runs off crying.)  
Shanahan: Stop making Stevie cry. He always makes me sit up with him and hold his hand, and read him a bedtime story.  
Yzerman: (From somewhere in the back.) I DO NOT!  
Shanahan: He's secretly in love with me. (Nods confidently.)  
Yzerman: I AM NOT. I HATE YOUR GUTSH, SHANAHAN. YOU ARE *SHO* NOT REPLASHING ME ASH CAPTAIN WHEN I RETIRE!  
Shanahan: Dammit. Another captaincy usurpation bid foiled! (Shakes fist.)  
Hull: Did you just make up a word?  
Shanahan: No. (Long pause.) Foiled is SO a word!  
Hull: (Sighs.)   
Fischer: Shanny's so dumb he makes me look like I actually passed the fourth grade. Tee hee.  
Hull: And HOW.  
Shanahan: (Hides behind Hull.) Get HIM, HIM! Not me! (Points to Hull.)  
Hull: (Steps aside.)  
-Harvey the Hound falls through the Saddledome roof and crushes Shanahan-  
Shanahan: (From ground.) ........owie.


	89. The One Where They Have a Retirement Party and Some Other Stuff Happens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team says good bye (for good) to Dom and Brett, Boyd joins the circus, Whitney gets arsenic poisoning, and the team makes an ominous discovery in Dave Lewis's office.

~Team is in the lockerroom for Dom and Hull's farewell party~  
Fischer: (Sunning himself with Chelios.) Y'know, I'm *really* gonna miss Dom. (Long silence.) This time. (Long silence.) Unless he comes back. (Long silence.) Again.  
Chelios: (Looks at him cockeyed.) *What*?! You *hate* Dom! Just last week, you were trying to knock him out with a hammer and steal his manpurse!  
Fischer: (Stutters.) I know, but I, uh, meant to just give him a *love* tap! That's right! A *love* tap! (Shakes fist at Chelios.) SCREW YOU, CHELI, SCREW YOU, MAN! (Runs off shrieking.)  
~Enter Stevie with chips and dip~  
Stevie: Jeeze, Cheli, it's only been ten minutes and you've already reduced someone to tears.  
Chelios: But Stevie, this is *Fischy* we're talking about here. He's the proverbial leaky faucet! He cried when that gorilla got ate up by a shark on the Animal Channel! He cried when I gave him a wedgie and hung him off the flagpole by his underpants! He cried when I stole his girlfriend! He cries over *everything*!   
Stevie: (Thinks about this for a couple seconds.) Well, *true* . . . But still, I don't want this party to end like the *last* one . . . (Sighs heavily.)  
::Flashback::  
~Chelios is in a Santa suit and Isabella Yzerman is sitting on his lap~  
Isabella: -- and I want a pony. That's what I want for Christmas.  
Chelios: (Pats her on the head, sneaks a vodka flask out of his Santa beard and takes a sip.) Okay there, little lady. If you're a good little girl, you'll get that pony.  
Isabella: What if I'm not?  
Chelios: (Drinks more vodka.) I'm sorry, but that pony will just have to die.  
Isabella: DADDY! (Runs off crying.)  
::End flashback::  
Chelios: That wasn't *my* fault! I was drunk!  
Stevie: You were *Santa*! Santa isn't supposed to be a drunk!  
Chelios: Well, what if I told you I was portraying the Santa of the 21st century?  
Stevie: I'd say you're nuts.   
Chelios: Okay then. (Goes back to sunning himself.)  
Stevie: (Sighs heavily and leaves with his groceries.)  
~enter Shanny~  
Shanahan: (Holding cake box.) Look, everyone, I brought a going-away cake for Dom and Hully! (Opens box and peers in.) Who ate the damn cake?!  
~enter Whitney, licking fingers and smacking lips~  
Whitney: Stop looking at me! (Shrilly.) I didn't eat your damn cake! (Belches.)  
Maltby: Hey, I can just bake a replacement cake! (Whips apron out of his locker stall.)  
Yzerman: Over my dead *body* you are!  
Maltby: Why the hell not? I haven't burnt or exploded anything since that one time my lawyer says we're not supposed to talk about!  
Shanahan: I don't think I trust your lawyer, Malts. The last time he was here, I swear he stole stuff out of my locker.  
Maltby: Stop keeping moonshine in your locker and maybe Myron would stay out of there, old buddy, old pal!  
Shanahan: But it's *my* moonshine, see!  
Yzerman: It is *not*! You stole it from *my* locker! (Pause.) And why the hell are you two talking like you're in a 1920s gangster film?  
Shanahan: I think the moonshine was past its expiration date, old sport.  
Legace: Nah, I just put some arsenic in it.  
Maltby: *ARSENIC*?! Are you trying to *kill* me?!  
Legace: (Scoffs.) Well, *DUH*. Why *else* would I put arsenic in your moonshine? (Walks off.)  
Shanahan: He *does* have a point there. (Reaches deep into locker and pulls out a fifth of Jack.) Always have my backup. Mwa mwa mwa. (Kisses bottle. Unscrews top and chugs.)  
Yzerman: Are you so sure that fifth of Jack doesn't have arsenic in it, too?  
Legace: Actually, that wasn't the arsenic I put in your moonshine, that was baking powder I mistakenly labelled as arsenic. (Holds up an empty box of Arm and Hammer baking powder mislabelled as arsenic.) Then that means the box labelled 'baking powder' that I gave to Shanny to make the cake really *was* arsenic...   
Whitney: Oh crap. (Bolts lockerroom.)  
McCarty: Will he be okay?  
Legace: I hope so. Shanny used the entire box.  
Fischer: So, has anyone seen the guests of honor yet?  
Shanny: And where did Boyd go off to? He was supposed to help me put party streamers up in the lockerroom today.  
Williams: He said something about joining the circus and becoming a circus freak.  
McCarty: So, what are we gonna do about the cake?  
Chelios: I found some stale leftover bagels in Lewie's office. (Holds up a brown paper bag.)  
Dandenault: Anyone wanna sign the retirement card I got?  
Lidström: Why does it say 'Congratulations, It's a Boy!' on it crossed out in black Sharpie?  
Dandenault: What's with the third degree? Huh? Huh? HUH?!  
Lidström: Jeeze, if it means that much to you, I'll sign the damn card. (Takes card and signs it, and passes it around.)  
~enter Zetterberg~  
Zetterberg: (In a party hat.) Yay, I *love* birthday parties! (Waves party noisemaker.)  
Holmström: This isn't a birthday party, Zata.  
Zetterberg: If it's not a birthday party, what is it then? (Suspiciously.)  
Holmström: A bris.  
Yzerman: It is *not* a bris! It's a farewell party for Hully and Dom Dom!  
Zetterberg: Farewell party? Where are they going?  
Shanahan: (Puts an arm around Zetterberg's shoulders.) To the big ice rink in the sky, Zata, to the big ice rink in the sky.  
Zetterberg: (Squeaks.)  
Yzerman: Stop trying to scare the rookie, Shanny.  
Zetterberg: Actually, I'm not a rookie. I'm going into my third season next year.  
Fischer: You're not very observant, are you, Stevie? Hee hee hee! (Giggles.)  
Yzerman: Shut up!   
Maltby: *If* there's a next year...next year, you mean.  
Zetterberg: (Squeezes eyes shut and plugs fingers into ears.) There will be no lockout next year! There will be no lockout next year! There will be no lockout next year! There will be no lockout next year! There will be no lockout next year!  
~enter Schneider with his arms full of t-shirts~  
Schneider: Look, everyone! I brought us 'Lockout '04-'05' t-shirts!  
Zetterberg: (Shrieks and points at Schneider.) YOU SON OF A CHEAP HAIRY-LEGGED 2 DOLLAR WHORE!  
~exit Zetterberg~  
Schneider: (Pulls on a t-shirt.) What went up *his* ass and died?  
Lidström: He is in denial about the upcoming strike. (Holds up picket sign that reads 'WE WILL NOT BE CHATTEL TO SLAVEDRIVING NHL OWNERS'.)  
Dandenault: Screw the strike. I'm going to use this free vacation time to look for the legendary lost gold of El Dorado.  
Holmström: *I'm* going to use this free time to put the finishing touches on my brand spanking new time machine!  
Fischer: Uh, Homer, remember what happened the last time you built a time machine? (Holmström stares at him blankly.) We went back to the time of the dinosaurs. (Shivers.)  
Draper: Those weren't dinosaurs! Those were potted ferns!  
Maltby: I'm going to use my vacation time to look for the lost city of Atlantis!  
Hudler: I'm going to use this vacation time to disprove Einstein's theory of relativity.  
Lang: I'm going to use this vacation time to go to the Mojavi Desert and bury this dead hook - (Trails off.) But I'm sure you guys don't want to hear about *that*!  
All: (Look at Lang and move three steps away from him.)  
Lang: It wasn't *my* fault! She - (Cut off by Yzerman.)  
Yzerman: (Points to the corner of the lockerroom.) Your lawyer over there is giving me the 'kill' sign, Robert, so shut up before you get yourself arrested . . . (Pause.) *Again*. (Facepalm.)  
::Cue the angsty flashback music::  
Yzerman: (Waggles fingers in air.)  
::Flashback::  
Lang: (Streaking around the Saddledome ice naked, holding Harvey the Hound's head.) You'll never beat us *now*, Calgary! I've taken out your queen mother!   
Yzerman: (Yells from stands.) Harvey's not a bitch, Langer, he's a stud!  
Guy Who Plays Harvey the Hound: You think I'm a stud? (Winks at Stevie.)  
Yzerman: Not like *that*, you moron!  
-mounties race onto the ice and begin to slip and fall as they try to catch Lang-  
Shanahan: (Begins to hum the Keystone Kops theme.)  
Yzerman: Shut up! That's not helping!  
::End flashback::  
Lang: Oh . . . I forgot about that. In that case, forget *all* about the dead hooker. (Grabs a shovel from his locker and runs off.)  
Legace: We *really* should have kept Fleischmann. That guy's a psycho.  
Shanahan: Says the guy who labels arsenic 'baking powder'.  
Legace: Says the guy who secretly lusts after Stevie Y.  
Shanahan: Says the guy who - (Long uncomfortable silence.) Oh.  
~enter Hull and Dom~  
Hull: Okay, you tools, make it quick. I've got a flight that leaves for Dallas in ten minutes.  
Hasek: Me too.  
Dandenault: You're going to Dallas with Hully too, Dom?  
Hasek: *No*! I'm going to Ottawa, but I have a flight that leaves in ten minutes too - oh, you make me think to much! Now my brainal area is hurted! (Winces.)  
Hull: (Looks around.) What's a farewell party without a farewell cake? (Sighs.) You guys really don't know how to do these farewell party things very good.  
Cujo: Whitney ate it all. Then he had to go to the hospital because it was made out of arsenic.  
Hull: Arsenic?  
Legace: A simple miscalculation!  
Chelios: (Holds up the brown paper bag he got from Lewie's office.) I have stale bagels from Lewie's office!  
Hull: Ooh! Yay, I love stale bagels! (Grabs bag from Chelios.) Yoink! (Opens it and peers in.) Ew.  
Chelios: What's wrong?  
Hull: This isn't a bag of bagels, it's a bag of dog crap. . . and it's got 'To Scotty Bowman' written on the front of it.   
Schneider: (Pulls out a lighter.) I say we set it on fire and leave it on Jarome Iginla's doorstep!  
Maltby: Dude, that's the best idea ever! I'm so in!  
Draper: But we'd have to fly to Calgary.  
Hasek: I can put off my flight to Ottawa for this! *This* is important!  
Hull: This is the best farewell party *ever*! (Pumps fists in the air.)  
Shanahan: And HOW! (Is mysteriously speared with Lidström's picket sign.) Ow. There goes my spleen.


	90. You Sunk My Battleship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team hangs around the lockerroom waiting for the lockout to end. Naturally, things get a little weird.

~team is in lockerroom, apparently denialing away the lockout with a hearty game of Battleship~  
Yzerman: I sunk your battleship! (Pumps fist in air.)  
Fischer: No fair! Stevie always sinks my battleship! (Pouts.)  
Shanahan: You can sink my battleship any time, cap'n! (Winks.)  
Yzerman: Shut up, Brendan.  
Shanahan: (Meekly.) Yessir.  
Datsyuk: I am so bored. (Heavy sigh.)  
Zetterberg: Let's go sell ourselves on the street corner!  
Lidström: NO! (Pause.) Not again!  
~flashbacky music~  
Lidström: (Waggles fingers.)  
~flashback~  
Hull: (Squeezed into a silver lamé miniskirt and a bra top.) Who's genius idea was it for us to sell ourselves on the street corner?  
~team watches as Datsyuk is carried off by a hairy trucker~  
Draper: (In a tube top and red hot pants.) It was Zata. (Points.)  
Hull: RAWR! (Pounces on Zetterberg.)  
Hull's Skirt: RIIIIIIIIP!  
All: (Avert their gaze.) Ewwwwwww.  
~end flashback~  
Fischer: I wish the lockout was over.  
Matlby: What lockout? I see no lockout here. (Sporting a full length beard of ZZ Top proportions. It is obvious that Maltby has been neglecting his personal hygiene.)  
Fischer: The lockout we're doing right now, Captain Caveman!  
Maltby: You don't do a lockout, Fischy. And for the gabillionth time, STOP CALLING ME CAPTAIN CAVEMAN!  
Fischer: Okay, Mr. Abdominable Snowman! (Skips off, whistling.)  
Maltby: (Snarls and shakes fist after him.)  
~enter Sergei Fedorov in a white tuxedo with a powder blue ruffled shirt and powder blue cummerbund~  
Fedorov: Well, I'm back.  
~no one reacts~  
Fedorov: (Puts hands on his hips and scowls.) Didn't anyone miss me?  
McCarty: Why are you dressed like that?  
Fedorov: (Proudly.) I got married...again.  
Shanahan: (Chokes.) You got married again?  
Draper: What'd you do this time? Raid the junior prom? (Snickers.)  
Fedorov: I won't make that mistake again. (Turns toward the door.) Guys, meet my bride Hortense.  
~a middle aged fat woman in a white veil and white lace fingerless gloves enters, smoking a cigarette and sporting plumber crack~  
Fischer: (Scrunches nose.) Your new sham wife smells like a ashtray!  
Fedorov: She does not! (Pause.) And this time, the marriage is legit! (Puts an arm around Hortense.)  
Hortense: Hack, cough. (Lights up a cigarette.)  
~enter a very pissed off Chelios, shaking snow out of his clothes~  
Draper: Heya, Cheli! How's it hangin'? (Cheerily.)  
Chelios: (Darkly.) Get bent, merry sunshine. (Stalks off.)  
Draper: Golly, what went up his ass and died?  
Yzerman: (Snickers meanly.) His bobsledding team lost to a bunch of Mexicans who made it up to Michigan in a 1970 Dodge El Camino.  
Shanahan: I think this lockout is making us all go crazy.  
Fischer: Don't mind if I do! (Puts on a dress.)  
Shanahan: You were waiting for an excuse to do that, weren't you?  
Fischer: Yes. (Hangs head in shame.)  
Hortense: (Puffs on her cigarette.) Hack. Cough. (Blows her cigarette smoke in Fischer's face.)  
Fischer: (Makes a face.) Sergei, your wife is blowing smoke in my face! (Coughs weakly.)  
Fedorov: I can't tell her what to do. She's a modern woman. (Pause.) That and she'll kick me in the groin if I tell her not to.  
~enter Dave Lewis dressed as Santa, lugging a big brown burlap sack~  
Lewis: Merry Christmas, losers. (Leaves.)  
~brown bag begins to move~  
Fischer: AH! AH! IT'S A BEAR! SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT! (Hides behind Hatcher.)  
Hatcher: It's not a bear, stupid!  
Hull: Not like I haven't heard that before. (Emerges from the bag in a red Santa hat and a Phoenix jersey.) Merry Christmas. Where's the eggnog and the strippers?  
Lidström: We have no eggnog or strippers here.  
Hull: Well, screw that shit. I'm outta here. I was promised eggnog and strippers and I don't see any eggnog or strippers here. (Goes to get back into burlap sack, but Stevie stops him.)  
Stevie: You're already here. Why don't you stay and help pass out the Secret Santa stuff?  
Hull: I didn't come here to do peasant work!  
Stevie: Then why did you come in the first place?  
Hull: I came to announce I have a new team! (Parades around the lockerroom in his Coyotes jersey.)  
Hatcher: Phoenix?! Why Phoenix?! They suck!  
Hull: They paid me in chicken wings.   
Hatcher: You fat-ass. (Glowers.)  
Hull: Neanderthal! (Gnawing on a chicken drumette.)  
Fedorov: Girls, girls. please. You can both be pretty, pretty princesses.  
Hull: Takes one to know one!  
Fedorov: SOOKA!  
Shanahan: Guys, knock it off! This isn't exactly in the spirit of the season, you know. (A chicken drumette hits him in the back of his head.) Okay! Who the hell threw that?  
-Hull points at Hatcher and Hatcher points at Hull, while Fedorov is discreetly wiping off his hand on his powder blue cummerbund-  
Stevie: If you all don't cut it out, Santa Stevie is cancelling Christmas!  
Fischer: You can't cancel Christmas, Santa Stevie!  
Grigorenko: I want my choo-choo train!  
Lang: What about my hooker? I was a good boy this year!  
Shanahan: What about that dead stripper in Calg -- (Lang stuffs his jock in Shanahan's mouth.) EW! GROSS! STEVIE, YOU SAW THAT, DIDN'T YOU?  
Stevie: (Looking at a butterfly.) Saw what, Brendan?   
Shanahan: You're as blind as Paul Stewart!  
Stevie: (Butterfly flies off and Stevie blinks.) Oh, what did you say, Brendan?  
Shanahan: NEVER MIND, MR. MCGOO. (Stomps off.)  
Fischer: Some Christmas. (Pouts.) It's even worse than the time my mom forgot my name.  
Fedorov: It's not as bad as the time as someone stole my Christmas tree and replaced it with a broken clock!  
McCarty: STOP LOOKING AT ME WHENEVER YOU BRING THAT UP!  
Chelios: (Still pissy.) Wanna top that? It's still not as bad as the time I got herpes from --  
Stevie: Your lawyer says we're not supposed to talk about that. (Points to Chelios' lawyer in the corner of the lockerroom.)  
Chelios: (Laughs too loudly.) Oh, did I say herpes? I meant...uh, bad credit card debt!  
Fischer: Oooh! Bad credit card debt! (Shivers.)  
Chelios: (Mutters.) Tool.  
Hortense: (Lifts her leg and lets out a loud, smelly fart.) My bad.  
Fedorov: (Pinches his nose with his thumb and forefinger.) That's it! I want an annulment!  
Draper: Already? You've only been married for... (Checks watch. Fedorov hits him upside his head.)   
Fedorov: Irreconcilable differences!  
Draper: You have a problem! Do they have a twelve step program for serial monogamists?  
Fischer: (Perks.) Serial Monopolists? I like Monopoly!  
Fedorov: I do not have a problem! I just like women. . .a lot!  
Maltby: (Coughs.) Sex addiction. (Coughs.)  
Fedorov: Shut up, Grizzly Adams!  
Fischer: That's my Captain Caveman! (Pounces on Fedorov. They begin wrestling on the ground.)  
Hull: (Wistfully.) Ah, if only they had breasts and I had a bucket of chocolate pudding.  
McCarty: That's sick, man. (Shakes head.)  
Hull: What? (Blinks.)  
McCarty: (Rolls eyes.)  
Fischer: (Has Fedorov in a headlock.) I SUNK YOUR BATTLESHIP!  
Schneider: (Groans.) No, "Say uncle"! "Say uncle"!  
Fischer: (Happily.) Uncle!  
All: (Groan and cover their faces with their hands.)  
Fedorov: I WIN! (Jumps up and pumps his fists.)  
Fischer: NO FAIR! (Points at Fedorov, outing.) HE CHEATED!  
Shanahan: And how!  
Chelios: (Accidentally runs over Shanahan in his bobsled. Peers out.) Hey, Shanny? Y'okay? (Quiet.) Shanny?  
Stevie: Ok, that's it! (Does the Donald Trump "Cobra" with his hand.) You're fired!  
Chelios: You can't fire me!  
Stevie: I can fire anyone I damn well please! Check your contract next time!  
Chelios: (Pulls his contract out of his pocket and flips through it.)  
Maltby: You carry your contract around with you?  
Chelios: Doesn't seem so stupid now, does it, Smokey the Bear? (Draper hisses. Finds the right page.) You can't fire me! I signed this when I was drunk!  
Stevie: Check the fine print, Drunky McLush.  
Chelios: (Squints.) Chris Chelios and the ass of Chris Chelios, heretofore referred to as Stevie Y's Little Bitch, is now the property of Stevie Y and is Stevie Y's to do with what he pleases -- WHAT? STEVIE!   
Stevie: Yoink! (Grabs the bag of Secret Santa presents and runs off.)  
Hull: Some merry Christmas.   
Shanahan: (Twitches on the ground.) A merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.


	91. The One With Hoffa's Tomb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shanny dies again. Sort of. I guess.

~The team is in the lockerroom, as per usual~  
Yzerman: (Bangs gavel.) Court is now in session. (Looks around.) Where the hell is Brendan?  
Holmström: (Raises hand, waits to be called on.)  
Yzerman: Just spit it out, Homer. (Annoyed.)  
Holmström: Shanny is trying to cut a hole in center ice.  
Yzerman: Now *why* would he do that?  
Fedorov: Because he's stupid?  
Mowers: He's on crack. (Looks around.) Again.  
Fischer: He got into my kitty cat's catnip! (Petting a kitten in his lap.)  
Yzerman: Fischer, give me that damn cat!  
Fischer: No! Fluffy is *mine*!   
McCarty: If you give him the cat, I'll give you this piece of string. (Dangles string in front of Fischer's face.)  
Fischer: (Hands Fluffy to Stevie.) Deal! (Grabs string and runs off, giggling.)  
Yzerman: Okay, back to Shanny. Why is he trying to dig a hole in center ice?  
-Enter Shanahan in galoshes, holding a fishing pole-  
Maltby: (Scratches beard.) What're you doing with that fishing pole, Brendan?  
Shanahan: Oh, nothing. (Goes to locker and gets out a jar labelled "WORMS". Leaves.)  
-exit Shanny with a fishing pole, worms and a Bad Company cassette tape-  
Yzerman: (Screams after him.) BRENDAN! You are *not* and I repeat not digging a fishing hole in center ice!  
Lidström: (Calls after Brendan.) Remember the *last* time you dug a hole?  
::Flashback::  
Shanahan: (Digging a hole in the lockerroom. Singing.) Dig dig, shovel shovel.  
-enter Chris Osgood, Doug Brown, Jamie Macoun, Bob Rouse and some other ex-Red Wings purely for nostalgic purposes-  
Brown: Shanny, what on God's green earth are you up to?  
Shanahan: I'm digging to China!  
Macoun: You can't dig to China! Everyone knows that can't be done!  
Rouse: Yeah! China is protected by a magnetic force field that makes you impotent!  
Osgood: What the hell?   
Rouse: I read it in the Weekly World News.  
Shanahan: Dig dig, shovel shovel. (Hits a pipe. Rumbling is heard.) Um. Guys, I think maybe we should get out of here like, now.  
Osgood: Why? What did you do?   
Shanahan: RUN, you idiots, RUN! (Flees lockerroom.)  
-a wall of water floods through the lockerroom, sweeping the nostalgic ex-Red Wings away-  
::end flashback::  
Yzerman: Well, that's just *one* instance of where Brendan's digging went wrong. (Shrugs.) Maybe it won't be so bad.  
Fischer: Remember when he dug that hole and stuck me in a box and put me in the hole with an air hose and some food?  
CuJo: That wasn't Shanny, that was your stalker.  
Fischer: Oh yeah. Now I remember.  
Lang: I say we go out to center ice and just ask him what the hell he's digging a hole for. It can't hurt.  
Hasek: It could hurt. I could tear my groin again.  
CuJo: I thought we got rid of you.  
Hasek: You did, but I'm Fischer's stalker. I mean, I'm hanging around here due to the lockout.  
CuJo: (Shrugs.) Let's go, boys.   
-team goes out to the ice-  
Shanahan: Dig dig, cut cut. (Digging into center ice with a shovel.)  
Lang: (Yells.) I hope you know that there's no fish at center ice, idiot.  
Yzerman: Don't do that! He could come after us with his shovel!  
Lang: He needs to know that he's an idiot! There's no water under the ice! Just Jimmy Hoffa's tomb!  
Draper: Jimmy Hoffa's buried under Joe Louis Arena?  
Lang: (Nods.) I gave Al Sobotka some wine and he spilled it all out. He's a mysterious one, that Al. (Looks around.) Nevermind that I was dressed as a woman and had to seduce him for the information. Not that there are any pictures of that on the internet...  
Draper: O...kay. (Gapes at Lang.)  
Lang: What are you all staring at *me* for? *I'm* not the one digging an ice fishing hole at center ice!  
Shanahan: (Yells.) Neither am I!   
Yzerman: (Grabs the shovel and tugs.) Give this to me, Brendan! We have a game tomorrow night!  
Fischer: (Raises hand.) Uh, Stevie, we don't --  
Maltby: (Elbows Fischer in the side.) Shut up! He's trying to distract Brendan so we can overpower him!  
Yzerman: No I'm not. I signed us all up for a charity game tomorrow for some stupid, smelly, dirty homeless kids.  
Dandenault: (Shakes fist.) Drat! I *hate* those damn those homeless kids!  
Holmström: Shut up! That's not politically correct!  
Dandenault: Who said anything about being politically correct? I don't like homeless kids!  
Holmström: Why not?  
Dandenault: One of them stole my Beavis and Butthead toilet seat cover.  
Shanahan: That was me. (Wrestling Stevie for the shovel. Pauses.) Ooh, this is real hot. I'm getting *really* turned on right now. (Rubs his chest.)  
Yzerman: EW! Not when you're sitting on me! Pervert! (Leaps away.)  
Shanahan: (Cackles, and resumes digging.) Digging digging, fishing fishing.  
Fischer: (Screams and rips at his hair.) STOP SAYING MY NAME! I HEARD YOU THE *FIRST* TIME!  
Lidström: Okay, guys, let's just leave Brendan to dig his stupid ice fishing hole! I'm having a New Year's party in my locker and everybody but Brendan is invited! (Leads the team back to the lockerroom.)  
Shanahan: (Looks after them, longingly.)  
-meanwhile, back at the ranch-  
Lidström: What are you all looking at me for?   
Maltby: You said you were having a party in your locker, and I see no party here!  
Lidström: It was just a ploy! Haven't you heard of a little thing called reverse psychology?  
McCarty: I came here under false pretenses! I want my goddamn New Year's Party! (Wearing party hat.)  
Fischer: (Waving a noisemaker.) Yeah! I want to open my presents!  
Lidström: Okay... (Pauses.) What the hell does one do for a New Year's party, anyway?  
Zetterberg: Spin the bottle?  
Draper: Pin the Tail on the NHL Commissioner? (Holding a picture of Bettman and some pins.)  
Chelios: Go out and hire some strippers?  
Yzerman: We drink the rest of Brendan's moonshine and we tell our New Year's resolutions. (Rolls a wooden barrel out of Shanahan's locker.)  
Legace: I'll start. (Clears throat.) My resolution is to not make anymore resolutions that I'm not going to keep.  
Maltby: That's a stupid resolution! Mine is to not sleep with anyone who isn't my wife!  
Hatcher: Mine is to drink all of Brendan's moonshine. (Cracks open the barrel with a crowbar.)  
Whitney: Mine is to stop being so damn sexy.   
Fischer: Hee hee, how on earth can you keep that resolution? You're the sexiest one of the whole team!  
Hasek: (Screams.) You unfaithfhul whore!  
Yzerman: What's *your* resolution, Dom?  
Hasek: To stop stalking Fischer. (Pauses.) And -- oh yeah, to emancipate the child laborers from my Dominator clothing plant in Nicaragua.  
Zetterberg: (Pulls off his Dominator pirate hat and stomps on it.)  
-enter Hull and Devereaux-  
Hull: (Arm in arm with Devereaux.) We've decided that we don't like Phoenix anymore. Can we come back?  
Devereaux: (Stage whispers, loudly.) He only wants to come back because Phoenix wants him to go to fat camp.  
Hull: Shut up! (Hugs Stevie.) I missed you guys!   
Yzerman: Okay, you can stop hugging me. (Hull clings to Yzerman.) Let go of me *now*, Brett.   
Hull: I missed you, Stevie! (Clings.)   
Yzerman: (Suspiciously.) Why does my wallet suddenly feel lighter. (Brief pause.) BRETT!  
Hull: (Giggles and runs off with Stevie's wallet.)  
Devereaux: So can *I* come back, at least?  
Yzerman: Sure. As long as you tell us your New Year's resolution.  
Devereaux: To quit smoking.  
Yzerman: Nope, sorry, no can do. Mr. Normal McNotWeird.  
Devereaux: But that's not fair! Why can't I come back? I promise I'll be good!   
McCarty: Sorry, you're not weird enough for us, Floyd. My resolution is to find a cure for stupidity. (Points to Maltby, who is scooting around on the floor on his ass like a dog.)  
Datsyuk: My resolution is to buy all the packages of M & Ms in the world and lick all the yellow ones, then repackage them and sell them for a profit to gullible little kids.  
Fischer: You know English?  
Datsyuk: (To himself.) Hellfire and tarnation! You idiot! You let slip your evil plans! (To Fischer.) Ya ne ponimayu!  
Hasek: I wonder what Shanny's resolution is.  
Yzerman: It *better* be "to stop being a freaking idiot" or I'm firing his ass.  
Chelios: Actually, his New Year's resolution is to dig more holes.  
Yzerman: WHAT?  
Chelios: (Shrugs.)   
McCarty: Well, he certainly belongs on *this* team.  
Yzerman: That's it, I've *had* it with him! I'm firing him! (Runs out.)  
Fischer: Wow, Stevie sure was mad! Do you think he means it?  
Chelios: Do you know what this means, Fisch? Shanahan's gone for good and now I can sleep with his wife.  
Fischer: Maybe this means Brendan will stop pinching my ass.  
Yzerman: (Runs back in.) I couldn't do it.  
Maltby: Why the hell not?  
Yzerman: He foamed at the mouth and hissed at me.  
Maltby: (Puts an arm around Stevie's shoulders.) You just show that tool who's boss, Boss!  
Yzerman: If you want him gone that bad, *you* guys fire him! Screw you guys, I'm going home. (Goes home.)  
Lidström: I guess that means I'm in charge by default. Let's go fire Brendan, guys.  
-they go to ice level-  
Shanahan: (Has dug a hole in the ice and is sitting on a stool, fishing.)  
McCarty: What the hell. There was water under the Joe after all?  
Shanahan: No, I flooded the pipes by accident.  
Fischer: You're fired!  
Draper: You idiot, we were supposed to do it together as a group!  
Fischer: Group, schmoop!  
Shanahan: I'm fired?  
Maltby: Yeah. Stevie wants you gone by...ten minutes ago.  
Shanahan: Well, maybe he'll change his mind when you see what I just caught! (Points to a black body-shaped bag labelled "HOFFA" with a fishhook sticking out of it.)  
Lang: Oh Christ.   
Shanahan: I think it's a *shark*!  
Lang: That's not a shark, that's Jimmy Hoffa! (Scoffs.) You're such a moron!  
Draper: And how.   
Shanahan: That's not gonna work this time! (Swings fishing pole. Hooks himself in the ass.) Damn fishing pole. (Tugs hard.) Oh crap! (Falls into fishing hole.)  
Chelios: Poetic justice at its best.  
Shanahan: (Spluttering.) SAVE ME, YOU IDIOTS! I COMMAND YOU! (Flails.)  
Lidström: I know this place that makes great fish. Speaking of fish.  
Maltby: I'm so there.  
Shanahan: YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME! (Shakes fists.) IDIOTS!  
Team: (Leaves. The lights go off.)  
Shanahan: It's dark here! And I'm scared and lonely! And is that body bag moving?   
Body Bag: Scritch, scritch...  
Shanahan: (Long pause.) HELP!


	92. The One With the Bachelor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why I found the idea of Brendan shoveling snow off Stevie's roof so goddamn funny, but here we are.

~The team is in the lockerroom, reading their mail~  
Draper: (Digging around in a mail bag.) Fan mail for Shanny, even *more* fan mail for Shanny, an advertisement for penis enlargement pills - (Maltby grabs penis enlargement advertisement) - and a certificate for a free hair cut at BoRics. (McCarty grabs certificate for free hair cut.) Gosh darn it! Nothing for me! Golly gee willikers!  
Shanny: It's because I'm popular and you're not. (Grabs his mail from Draper.) Yoink. (Rips it open.) Hmm... Seems that the fine people at Fox want me to star in their latest reality series!  
Draper: No way! That's so unfair! He's not even the best looking one on this team!   
~all eyes fall on Whitney~  
Whitney: What are you all looking at *me* for?   
Shanahan: They want me to star in the next Bachelor!  
Fischer: As what? The butler?! (Giddily.)  
Shanahan: *No*, you idiot! The Bachelor!  
Fischer: But you're not even single! (Laughs.) Silly Fox!  
Shanahan: *They* don't know I'm married! And what they don't know can't hurt *me*! (Laughs evilly.)  
Fischer: But wouldn't Cathy be mad at you?  
Shanahan: I won't tell her! I'll just tell her I got a job.  
Legace: Doing what?  
Shanahan: Shoveling the snow off Stevie's roof?  
Yzerman: You need to come up with a better lie than that. I don't know how much longer I can put your dummy likeness on my roof without Cathy getting suspicious.  
Shanahan: (Pulls his dummy likeness out of Stevie's locker and hugs it.)   
CuJo: Tell her you're doing charity work with homeless orphans. Chicks love homeless orphans.  
Shanahan: That didn't work the time I bet her life savings on the Superbowl and had to sell my body to get it all back.  
CuJo: You probably shouldn't have come back with lipstick on your collar and smelling of booze.  
Maltby: Why didn't Fox just pick one of us single guys to be the Bachelor?  
McCarty: You're married too, you moron.  
Maltby: Since when? (Tries to pull off wedding ring.) Goddammit! Get OFF of me! GRR! (Tugs on it.) ARGH! (Yells at it.) Stupid ring!  
Yzerman: Well, I refuse to be a part of this scheme!  
Lidström: Congratulations for taking the moral high road, cap'n.  
Yzerman: High road, schmigh road, Nicky. His wife and my wife are friends, and I've got Lisa to answer to!   
Shanahan: C'mon! It'll be fun! You can come along as my butler!  
Yzerman: Nuh uh, Shanny. No way.  
Zetterberg: *I'll* be your butler, Shanny!  
Shanahan: Okay! You're hired! (Scratches chin.) But you need a more butlery sounding name than Zetterberg. Can I call you Cadbury?  
Zetterberg: Just call me Cadbury! (Salutes Brendan.)  
Yzerman: (Shakes head and rolls eyes.) Don't come crying to me when Catherine finds out what you're up to!  
Shanahan: She'll never know! Muahahahahahahahahahahahah. (Coughs.) HA!   
~later on, in Hollywood~  
Mr. Moneybags: Welcome to the set of the Bachelor, genlemen. Please follow me. (Team follows Mr. Moneybags to Shanny's dressing room.)  
Draper: (Whispers.) I don't think I trust that guy.  
Maltby: (Whispers back.) Why not?  
Draper: He keeps looking at Shanny and stroking his handlebar mustache and laughing evilly.  
Maltby: Are you sure it's an evil laugh? He could just have gas.  
-they all squeeze into Shanny's dressing room-  
Yzerman: Brendan, are you wearing *makeup*? (Squints.)  
Shanahan: Yes, yes I am. (Puts on lipstick and a long blonde wig.)  
Fedorov: Why are you in DRAG?   
-Shanahan is indeed in a dress-  
Shanahan: For the Bachelorette, you dummy! (Fixes his lopsided boob.)  
Yzerman: BRENDAN! You were supposed to go to the *Bachelor*, not the Bachelorette!  
Shanahan: D'oh! (Hits himself upside his head.)  
Chelios: You're going to have to sleep with other *dudes*!  
Shanahan: EW! (Pause.) Not that there's anything wrong with that, if that's what you're into.  
~all eyes fall on Maltby~  
Maltby: WHAT?  
Mr. Moneybags: (Opens door.) Brendana, you're needed on set. (Leaves.)  
Hasek: Brendana?  
Shanahan: I thought it was a typo! (Panicky.) What am I gonna do?  
Legace: Aren't you glad I stole this from your locker then? (Pulls Shanahan's dummy likeness out from behind his back.) Just dress up the dummy like a woman and send *it* out intead!  
Chelios: The dummy already *is* dressed up like a woman! (Points at Shanny and laughs uproariously, slapping his knee.) HAW HAW HAW.  
Shanahan: (Glares.)  
Draper: Golly gee, let's get cracking!  
Shanahan: SHUT UP. (Puts his wig on the dummy and begins to unbutton his dress. Pauses and eyes his teammates suspiciously.) Turn around so I can undress.  
Hull: Why? It's not like we've never seen you naked before.  
Shanahan: A true lady never shows her tits before the second date. I mean, just. TURN AROUND.  
All: (Turn around. Hull sneaks a peak.)  
Shanahan: BRETT!  
Hull: Sorry, ma'am. (Turns around.)  
-a few minutes pass-  
Shanahan: There! All done! (Brushes off his hands.)  
All: (Turn back around.)  
Shanahan: (Has dressed the dummy likeness in a dress and wig, and makeup.)  
Maltby: I hate to say it, but the dummy likeness looks even better than you in drag, Brendan.  
Shanahan: That's *Brendana* to you.  
Maltby: (Looks at Shanahan, pointedly.)  
Shanahan: Not ME, you idiot! The dummy likeness! (Shakes Brendana.)  
Yzerman: Let's get this show on the road, okay? (Claps his hands.) My roof needs shoveling!  
-they go to the set and find seats in the audience-  
Shanahan: (Creeps on stage and puts Brendana in his place in a chair. Flees.)  
Director: Ready, set, ACTION!  
Suitor: (Comes up with a bouquet of flowers.) Brendana, my love, your beauty rivals even the legendary beauty of Helen. Your beauty could launch *two* thousand ships! I prostrate myself at your dainty feet! (Kneels before Brendana.)  
McCarty: (Whispers.) Did he just say prostate?  
Draper: (Nods.)  
-they snicker together-  
Brendana: (Stares.)  
Suitor: (Long silence.) Brendana, my dear?  
Brendana: (Stares.)  
Suitor: Brendana! (Nudges her.)  
Brendana: (Falls out of her chair and her head falls off.)  
Suitor: BRENDANA, NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo. (Passes out.)  
Shanahan: (Standing behind a curtain, snickering evilly.) Muahahaha!  
Fischer: Wow, that poor guy! I feel bad for him.  
Maltby: And how.  
Shanahan: Oh crap. (A sandbag falls from the catwalk and lands on his legs, trapping him.) Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!  
All: Brendan, you so silly! (Laugh.)


	93. The Clone At Midnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike Babcock works the players into the ground, and it's up to Brendan Shanahan to stop him. Or something.
> 
> I just wanted to use the title.
> 
> Warning for jokes about cyanide pills, murder, cloning, evil clones, and having sex with one's clone.

~the team is in the lockerroom following the announcement of their new coach~  
Fedorov: Babcock . . . Babcock . . . Why does that name sound so familiar? (Scratches chin.)  
Chelios: He's the coach you forgot how to play hockey under! (Gives himself a rimshot.) I am so good.  
Fischer: Do you think the new coach likes kittens? (Is sitting in his locker with a kitten on his lap.)  
Hull: I heard that the new coach eats kittens for breakfast and lunch!  
CuJo: What does he eat for dinner?  
Hull: Babies.  
Shanahan: Didn't we sell you to Phoenix on the condition Gretzky would keep you locked in a giant terrarium?  
Hull: _What_?  
Shanahan: Shit, I've said too much! I'm glad I bought this cyanide pill on the way to the press conference! (Holds up a pill and swallows it. Falls down and waits for it to take effect.) Last time I buy _my_ cyanide pills from a guy I met on the street named Hobo Joe!  
~enter Stevie with Babcock~  
Stevie: Guys, say hi to the new coach!  
Fischer: (Runs up and hands Babcock the kitten.) Hi, coach. Pleased to meet ya, coach!  
Babcock: What is _that_? (Points to the kitten.)  
Kitten: (Mews.)  
Fischer: My best friend, Mr. Hugglesworth!  
Babcock: No animals allowed in the lockerroom! What do you think this place is, a zoo?! Get it out of here! (Points to the door and stomps foot.)  
Fischer: (Lower lip trembles.) Yessir. (Leaves.)  
Babcock: (To Chelios.) Are his mental faculties sound?  
Chelios: No. (Long pause.) But his _hockey_ faculties are.  
Babcock: (Pause.) Oh.  
~later on, after practice, in the lockerroom~  
Shanny: (Hunched over in his stall, wheezing.)   
Chelios: You ok there, big fella?   
Shanny: Mike Babcock is trying to destroy me!   
Chelios: He's trying to destroy _all_ of us, Brendan, not just you.  
Shanny: I can't let him get away with this! (Shakes fist.)  
Holmström: Hire a trained circus bear in a tutu to be your replacement.  
Shanny: I've seen that bear's work. I'm not impressed. (Ponders.)  
Fedorov: Hire a stunt double. I used one when I was in Anaheim.  
Legace: What did you use him for?  
Fedorov: To have sex with Tara Reid.  
Legace: Oh . . . (Trails off.)  
Draper: _I_ got it!   
Shanny: No circus animals!  
Draper: I wasn't going to suggest a circus animal! I was going to suggest a clone!  
Shanny: (Scratches chin.) Hmm . . . That could actually work.  
Stevie: Don't tell me you're actually considering cloning yourself . . .  
Shanny: (Jumps up and begins digging around in his locker.)  
Stevie: Isn't someone going to _stop_ him? (The team looks around at each other guiltily.) Oh hell. (Throws up hands and walks off.)  
~hours later~  
Shanny: I'll just put the finishing touches on it and it'll be done! (Brushes off hands.)  
Legace: Wow, I'm impressed!  
Draper: It actually looks life-like.  
CuJo: (Punches it in the groin.) It's almost as rewarding as punching Shanny!  
Shanny: Careful now! Clone Shanny might not be human, but it can still feel pain! (Hits it on the head with his screwdriver.) Hee hee.  
~enter Stevie~  
Stevie: Oh God, you went through with it. (Facepalm.) Now we've got two of you. Good Lord.  
Hull: Come over and give it a punch, Stevie. It's almost like you were hitting Shanny.  
Stevie: (Walks over and punches the clone in the stomach. Flexes hand.) Wow, that actually felt pretty good. (Balls fist and raises arm.)  
Shanny: No! Don't hit it! (Steps in front of the clone.)  
Stevie: (Hits Shanny in the jaw.) Oops, my bad. (Giggles.) Wow, what a rush.  
Legace: My turn, my turn!   
Whitney: No, my turn! I wanna hit it!  
Fischer: RAWR! (Dives for clone, but McCarty latches on.)  
Hull: _I'm_ his best friend, so I get dibs!  
Shanny: No one is punching Clone Shanny anymore! You people are all barbarians. (Cuddles it.)  
Dandenault: Woah. That is so wrong. (Pause.) Ooh Shanny, make out with it!  
Datsyuk: *I'll give you fifty rubles if you kiss it.* (Pulls a handful of rubles out of his pocket.)  
Shanny: Well, I guess it's not gay if it's me and my clone. (Leans in to kiss it.)  
Stevie: If you kiss that clone I'm going to have to cut a bitch.  
Shanny: Jeeze, you homophobe.  
Stevie: I _like_ gays. I don't like _you_.  
Shanny: Oh. (Pause.) Well, it's time to activate him! (Flips a switch and Clone Shanny's eyes light up.)   
Clone Shanny: Hello all. My name is Brendan Shanahan. I am here. Teammates, lock up your wives and daughters.  
Shanny: (Nervous laughter.) Heh heh.  
~later on during practices~  
Babcock: (Blasts whistle.) Pick 'em up and put 'em down, Shanahan. What do you think this is, a beauty pageant?  
Clone Shanny: You have angered me. Prepare to suffer. (Drops gloves and lurches after Babcock.)  
Babcock: What the . . . SHANAHAN! (Flees.)  
Shanny: (From the stands.) HAHAHAHA! GET HIM CLONE SHANNY!  
~later on, at Stevie's house for a summer barbecue~  
Clone Shanny: . . . so I said to her, if sunflower oil's made out of sunflowers and peanut oil's made out of peanuts, what's baby oil made out of?  
Stevie: (Flipping burgers at his grill.) Shanny, you already used that one.  
Clone Shanny: Oh, I did? (Mumbles to self.) Note to self: kill Stevie, he knows too much.  
Stevie: (Looks up.) _What'd_ you say, Shanny?  
Clone Shanny: Drat. Abort mission, abort mission. (Falls to ground.)  
Draper: Wow, Shanny must be hammered. (Kicks him in the side.)  
Stevie: He keeps getting weirder and weirder . . .  
Draper: I hear it's 'cause his wife stopped giving Shanny sex.  
McCarty: Why on earth would she do that?  
Whitney: She's giving it to someone else, IE me.   
McCarty: Oh. That'll do that to a guy.   
~enter Shanny~  
Shanny: I'm finally here, guys! Let the games begin!  
Stevie: (Looks down at Clone Shanny.) Then what the . . .  
Shanny: Oh, um. That's, uh. SHIT. (Turns to run, but Stevie grabs onto him.)  
Stevie: Who is _this_ then? (Points to Clone Shanny.)  
Shanny: That's my, uh, secret, not evil clone! (Helps Clone Shanny get to its feet.)  
Clone Shanny: I am here to eat your children.  
Shanny: Hmm. I might've made some miscalculations. (Punches him in the face.) There we go.  
Clone Shanny: (Long pause.) Ow.  
McCarty: What the hell's going on here?  
CuJo: Who's the real Shanny and who's the evil clone?!  
Clone Shanny: I'm not evil! (Pause.) I mean, I'm also not a clone either!  
Hatcher: How do we know you're even telling the truth?  
Shanny: Would I lie to you guys?  
Whitney: You lied to me when you said you weren't selling my kid on eBay.  
Shanny: Not my fault no one wanted her!  
CuJo: You lied to me when you said you thought I was handsome!  
All: (Long pause.) Uh.  
CuJo: Oh, shut up. (Stomps off.)  
Stevie: You lied to me when you said you weren't trying to usurp my captaincy.  
Shanny: Well, I'll admit to that. But that's it! I'd never lie!  
McCarty: We need to come up with some sort of test to prove which Shanny is the real Shanny.  
CuJo: How do we do that?  
Hatcher: I'll kick them both in the nads.   
Shanny: How does that determine who's real and who's the clone?  
Hatcher: It doesn't. I've just always wanted to kick two of you in the groin.  
Shanny: Oh.  
Whitney: We could devise some sort of elaborate plan to catch Clone Shanny that will obviously fail because we're all incompetent boobs.  
Stevie: Why didn't anyone stop him in the first place?  
Holmström: Well, I bet ten bucks he was going to blow himself up.  
Datsyuk: *I betted fifty rubles for him to kiss the clone, but he welshed.*  
Hatcher: I really just wanted to kick two of him in the groin.  
Stevie: Well, someone's gonna fix this and it isn't gonna be me. I don't have a contract yet. (Walks off.)  
Hull: He didn't finish grilling those burgers! NOOOOOOoooo! (Dives for the grill.)  
Shanny: Come back to me, Stevie! (Runs after him.)  
Team: (Eye Clone Shanny.)  
Clone Shanny: (Eyes team.)  
Holmström: Do clones eat humans?  
Maltby: No, you dummy! That's sharks!  
Zetterberg: Don't be stupid! Everyone knows sharks are the king of the jungle!  
McCarty: Clones don't eat. They're not human. They don't have feelings either. (Kicks Clone Shanny in the balls.) Hee hee!  
Hasek: My turn! (Pinches Clone Shanny's ass.)  
Legace: Where'd _you_ come from? Shouldn't you be in Ottawa?  
Hasek: They're trying to deport me.  
Fischer: What'd you do now, Dom Dom?  
Hasek: Let's just say me plus a bottle of whiskey plus a gallon of lemonade plus a painting of the prime minister add up to no good. (Pinches Clone Shanny on the ass again and giggles.) Hehe!   
Rivers: Oh . . . (Inches away from Hasek and closer to Clone Shanny.)  
Lidström: I don't think you should be pinching Clone Shanny anymore.   
Hasek: Why not? It's fun.  
Lidström: Probably not for Clone Shanny.  
Hasek: Who cares about Clone Shanny? He's just a clone!  
Clone Shanny: (Reaches out and grabs Hasek by the neck.)   
Lidström: That's why.  
~re-enter Shanny~  
Shanny: Clone Shanny, NO! Let him go!  
Clone Shanny: (Drops Hasek on his head.)  
Hasek: Ow! (Rubs his head.) Jerk.  
Shanny: (Looks up.) Ooh a bird! (Begins running in circles.)  
Clone Shanny: (Also begins running in circles.)  
McCarty: Guess Clone Shanny takes after his daddy in _every_ sense of the word.  
Zetterberg: That sentence made so little sense I can't even begin.  
McCarty: Not my fault you're dumb.  
Zetterberg: I'd like to think that it is.  
McCarty: Okay, you do that then.  
Zetterberg: Okay, fine. I will. (Fixes a glare at McCarty.)  
McCarty: (Squirms.)  
Hull: (Eating raw hamburger meat.) So which one's Shanny and which one's the clone?  
Fedorov: Do you know you're eating raw hamburger meat?  
Hull: Duh.   
Fedorov: Okay . . .  
Lidström: We don't know. They're wearing the same outfit and they just spent five minutes running around in circles chasing after a bird so we've lost track.  
Hull: Well, at least combined, their mental power still outsmarts Fischer. (Looks at Fischer who is reaching out to put his hand on the grill.)  
Rivers: Jiri, don -- (Hull cuts him off.)  
Hull: Don't bother. It's better he learns the hard way.  
Fischer: (Puts hands on the grill.) OW! (Begins to cry and runs off.)  
Rivers: Oh, I see. Tough love?  
Hull: You could say that. I call it 'Edumucating the Moron'.  
Fischer: (Creeps back up to the grill and puts out his hand.)  
Hull: Or not . . .   
Lidström: Which one of you is the real Shanny? (Both of them raise their hands.)  
Hull: Which one of you fucked my wife? (Again, both of them raise their hands.) LET ME AT THEM! I'LL KILL YOU BOTH! (Lunges.)  
Lidström: Brett, no! We still don't know who's real and who's the clone!  
Hull: I'll strangle them both and kill two birds with one stone!  
Lidström: How would that solve anything?  
Hull: Who said anything about solving things?  
Clone Shanny: (Grabs Shanny and holds up gun to his head.) Everyone back off or I'll shoot!  
Shanny: Save me! He's insane!  
Hull: Who, Shanny?  
Shanny: No, the clone!  
Hull: How do we know you're not the clone trying to trick us?  
Shanny: Because . . . (Pause.) BECAUSE! SAVE ME!  
Rivers: Because nothing! Maybe Shanny's jealous of the clone's penis and thinks that by putting the poor thing out of its misery, he'll get to take the clone's place in bed with the clone's wife. Or something.  
McCarty: (Looks over at Rivers very slowly.) Dude, you put _way_ too much thought into that.  
Rivers: I just found out my TV gets late night Cinemax.  
McCarty: Oh.  
Shanny: STOP TALKING ABOUT SOFT-CORE PORN AND _SAVE_ ME, YOU ASSHOLES!  
Maltby: I vote for letting the fucker die. (Raises hand.) All in favor, say 'aye'.  
All Except Shanny and Stevie: Aye.  
Stevie: No one votes on a teammate's life but me and I vote 'nay'!  
Maltby: Majority rules. The motion is carried. (Bangs pencil on knee.) Doink doink.  
Fischer: What?  
Maltby: Don't you watch Law and Order: Special Criminals Investigative Crime Scene Unit?  
Fedorov: You mean Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.  
Draper: No, I'm pretty sure it's Law and Order: Shut the Fuck Up and Figure Out a Way to Save Shanny, You Morons.  
Fedorov: Touché.  
-they turn back to Shanny and Clone Shanny-  
Shanny: Am I the only one here who's aroused?  
McCarty: That's so gay.  
Stevie: Actually, knowing Shanny, it's not. He's really just that big of a narcissist.  
Shanny: (Nods.) Yep, pretty much that's it.  
Clone Shanny: Well, it looks like Sha -- I mean, Clone Shanny is just going to have to die.  
Shanny: Wrestle the gun away from him and save me, Stevie!  
Stevie: But what if he shoots _me_?!  
Shanny: Just think of it as taking one for the team!  
Stevie: The things I do for you . . . (Pounces on Clone Shanny and the two of them fight over the gun.) Aha! (Stevie comes up with the gun.)  
Shanny: Shoot him!  
Clone Shanny: No, shoot _him_!  
Stevie: I can't tell who's the real Brendan and who's the clone! (Hand holding the gun wavers.)  
Hull: Shoot 'em both. Whoever dies is -- my bad -- _was_ the real Brendan.  
Stevie: But then we're stuck with the _clone_!  
Hull: Sure, but at least the clone won't hit on your wife or pinch your ass.  
Stevie: _True_ . . . (Shakes head.) No, Brett, I can't do it!  
Shanny: Just shoot me, Stevie. Your life will be better off without me in it. I see now. (Hangs head.)  
Clone Shanny: The clone is just saying that so you think that I'm the real clone and shoot _me_ instead! Shoot _me_! (Pause.) I mean, him. No . . . Me . . . No, no, my bad. I mean him. (Waves hand.) Carry on.  
Stevie: Brett, you do it. I can't! (Hands the gun to Hull.)  
Huill: Okay, but fair warning, I'm just gonna shoot 'em both just to be sure. (Cocks gun.)  
Stevie: (Sighs and turns around.) Just do it.  
Hull: Bwahaha. I've always wanted to do this. (Grins evilly.)   
Shanny: (Cries.) Before you shoot, I need to make a full confession before I die.  
Hull: Eh, okay. But make it quick. I got a trigger finger. (Pause.) And my trigger finger's itching.  
Shanny: Okay. I slept with the anthem singer, I slept with Denise Ilitch, I slept with one of the Isles' Ice Girls, one time I stole candy from a one-legged, one-armed baby, I groped Karen Newman's ass at the company holiday party on three separate occasions, I pinched Stevie's . . .   
~hours pass~  
Shanny: . . . on you while you were sleeping. And that's about it.  
Hull: Okay, there's no way you're Clone Shanny. (Shoots Clone Shanny.) There we go, problem solved. Good God almighty, thank God for Brett! (Wanders off.)  
Shanny: (Jumps up.) Yay! You shot the clone! (Hugs Stevie.) Or _did_ you . . .  
Stevie: Fuck! (Dives for the gun.)  
Shanny: No no, I'm just joking, Stevie! (Stevie relaxes. Pause.) Or _am_ I?!  
Stevie: SHANNY!


	94. The Trade Winds Are A-Blowin'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team says goodbye to Jamie Rivers and welcomes Cory Cross.
> 
> The end is almost in sight!

~team is in lockerroom, engaged in their pregame rituals~  
-enter Jamie Rivers-  
Rivers: Hey, where'd all my shit go?   
All: (Look at each other uncomfortably.)  
Stevie: Hey, look! A sasquatch!  
Rivers: (Turns to look.) WHERE?  
Chelios: (Kicks him out of the lockerroom and bars the door. Brushes off his hands.) Good riddance.   
Kronwall: That was awful mean of you. I didn't even get to say goodbye. (Sniffs.)  
Chelios: You actually _liked_ that guy? I can't count a single time he washed his hands after using the bathroom.  
Woolley: What? I had to play with him!  
Shanny: We _all_ had to play with him, idiot. So if we _all_ get e. coli because of him, we're _all_ dead.  
Woolley: Thanks for the pleasant thoughts.  
Shanny: (Beams.) I don't even try. It just comes naturally.  
Manny: So, what'd we get for him? A bag of pucks? A back massager? Past-the-expiration-date milk?  
Holmström: Rusted razor blades?  
Williams: A wig made from real human hair?  
Kronwall: Ew! (Thinks.) An apple corer?  
Stevie: No, we got a seventh round draft pick in this year's draft.  
Shanny: How's that supposed to help us win the Cup _this_ year?! At least with Rivers we had a jock-strap-boy-slash-errand-monkey!  
Lang: Errand monkey?  
Shanny: When he was a healthy scratch, he used to clean my toilet with a toothbrush. And shave my back hair.  
Lang: Too much information.  
Shanny: What? _You_ asked the question, Einstein!  
Lang: It was a rhetorical question.  
Shanny: Hey, I am not!  
Lang: Okay . . . (Backs away.)  
Osgood: I'm still here!  
Holmström: Where else would you be?  
Osgood: On my way to the place where hockey goes to die.   
Holmström: In my basement?  
Lilja: Florida?  
Mowers: Nashville?  
Draper: Winnepeg?  
Schneider: Montréal, New York, Toronto, New York or Los Angeles?  
Williams: Shanny's love shack?  
Osgood: (Looks at Shanahan in horror.) _What_? You have a love shack?  
Shanny: Not any _more_. (Glares at Williams.)  
Williams: (Hides.)  
Osgood: You're such an ass.  
Shanny: Come on, like you've never wanted to see the inside of my love shack. BURN! I am good. (Leaves.)  
Osgood: Anyway, I was talking about Edmonton.   
Stevie: They never really were entertaining the idea of trading you.  
Osgood: (Beams.) Because Kenny, I mean, the team loves me? And thinks I'm a swell guy? And a super goalie? And freakishly good looking?  
Stevie: Uh, sure. And also, you fill out those line change sheets _really_ neat and legible. Manny never got past a third grade education. He can't even spell own his name.   
Legace: (To himself.) L-E-G-A-S-S-Y . . . (Thinks.) _Damn_ it. (Shakes fist.) L-A-G-A-C -- d'oh!   
Osgood: Oh. (Face falls.) I'll be over here contemplating goalie suicide.  
Draper: If you kill yourself, I'm going to steal your Barry Manilow collection and impregnate your wife. Don't even think about it.  
Osgood: _Not_ my Barry Manilow collection! (Pause.) And stay away from my wife!  
Maltby: Don't worry, Ozzie. _I_ still love you.  
Osgood: (Looks at Maltby, pointedly.)  
Maltby: Not like _that_ , man! I'm married!  
Osgood: You married a dude?  
Maltby: No! My wife! (Pulls out his wallet and flips it open to a picture of his wife.)   
Osgood: _Dude_ , this picture came with the wallet!  
Maltby: (Glares.) She's a wallet picture model. (Puts his wallet back in his locker.)  
Osgood: Likely story.  
~enter Cory Cross~  
Cross: Hi, fellas. Good to be here.  
Draper: Hey. I'm Jeeves. This is Woo -- (Maltby whacks him in the back of the head.)  
Maltby: Don't go telling the newb our secret stripclub aliases!  
Osgood: You two go to stripclubs together? (Looks at Maltby pointedly, yet again.)  
Maltby: (Frustrated.) All _female_ stripclubs, brain damage.  
Osgood: Right. Says the guy voted Most Likely to Be Found in a Tent on Brokeback Mountain With Draper.  
Maltby: Shut up. That was rigged.  
Fischer: Yeah, I so totally should have won.  
Osgood: You're not even playing right now.  
Fischer: Yes I am. I cleared myself. Look, all good. (Jumps up and down hyperly.)  
Stevie: Oh God. Did anyone give him Pixie Sticks again?  
Datsyuk: (Meekly raises hand.) Da, I did.  
Stevie: You speak English?  
Datsyuk: (Affects a British accent.) Drat! Blown my cover yet again! Blimey!  
Stevie: Why are you speaking with a British accent?  
Datsyuk: I am not Pavel Datsyuk, I am Paul Dashwood. Whenceforth went this Datsyuk fellow?  
Stevie: (Sighs.) Nevermind.  
Shanny: Isn't someone going to tell Fisch he wasn't really cleared to play?  
Stevie: I hate how you always make me the bad guy, Brendan! Why can't _you_ be the bad guy for once? Huh? (Snappish.)  
Shanny: Woah. Who pissed in _your_ Corn Flakes?  
Datsyuk: (Raises hand, but Zetterberg pushes it down.)  
Stevie: Well, _someone_ has to break it to him that he's still on IR.  
Williams: We can all draw straws. Short straw has to crush Fischy's dreams under the heel of the jackboot of oppression.   
Mowers: (Gives Williams an odd look and inches closer to Datsyuk.)  
Datsyuk: (Wearing a deer-stalking cap, Velcroed-on sideburns, and smoking a corncob pipe.) Cheerio, good fellow.   
Mowers: Okaaay. I'll be in Grand Rapids if anyone needs me. (Leaves.)  
Lilja: Why isn't anyone stopping him?  
Stevie: We'll just replace him with a dummy likeness. (Points to a dummy likeness of Mowers, tied with string, and straw sticking out.)  
Lilja: Can it skate?  
Stevie: No. Homer's still working on that.  
Holmström: Eureka!  
Lidström: What, you figured out how to make the dummy likeness skate?  
Holmström: No. I just realized I'm getting free porn on the TV in my locker. (Points to TV set in his locker.)  
Shanny: Why do you have a TV in your locker? And can I watch the porn with you?  
Holmström: I stole it off some hobo I met on the People Mover. And no, you may not. The last time I watched porn with you, I woke up with weird stains on my clo --   
Shanny: Okay, we'll have none of that.  
Holmström: But, they were all ov --   
Shanny: Bzzt!  
Holmström: Bu --   
Shanny: Zip it, and zip it good! (Snaps fingers in Holmström's face.)  
Holmström: (Hangs head.)  
Cross: You guys are kinda weird.   
Shanny: And how.  
Maltby: AHAHAHA! (Points at Shanahan and laughs. Nothing happens, and his laughter dies off.)   
~the guys look around uncomfortably~  
Stevie: Something strange is afoot!  
Fischer: ADAM FOOTE? WHERE?! (Roars.)  
Shanny: (Rubs his head and looks around nervously.) What's going _on_ here?  
~Holmström's TV falls out of his locker and lands on Cross~  
~long silence~  
Shanny: Welcome to the team.


	95. Bad For Business

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sergei Fedorov concocts the Money Making Scheme to end all Money Making Schemes, and Osgood is caught in the crossfire. That summary was needlessly melodramatic, don't you think?
> 
> Everyone is so judgmental in this fic!!!

~At Fedorov's place in Columbus~  
Fedorov: (Boiling something on the stove. Hears a noise and looks up. Draper is creeping out the front door with a burlap sack.) Hey, Draper, where the hell do you think you're going with that?! (Hits Draper with a wooden spoon.)  
Draper: (Drops the burlap sack, and a solid gold alarm clock falls out.) Nowhere special! (Rubs the back of his head.)  
Fedorov: (Picks up a solid gold cat.) Ah, Spot.  
Draper: You gave your paperweight a name?  
Fedorov: No, when my cat Spot died, I had her dipped in liquid gold, so that I would always have something to remind me of her.  
Draper: (Stares.) That's sick, dude. Real sick.  
Fedorov: (Puts the cat on the counter.) I consider it sentimental. (Picks up a solid gold pacifier.) You didn't see this.  
Draper: Ooookay . . . (Peers at the bubbling pot on the stove.) What are you cooking? That smells good. (Goes to taste it.)  
Fedorov: Don't eat that! (Grabs the spoon away.) That's my hair regeneration gel!  
Draper: Why are _you_ cooking hair regenration gel . . . And why does it taste like chocolate?  
Fedorov: That's not chocolate, idiot. That's dangerous toxins.   
~Osgood walks in with an empty burlap sack~  
Draper: Too late. He caught me.  
Fedorov: What the hell is going on here?  
Osgood: I'm actually not here for the solid gold shit. I'm here for the nude pics of Anna.  
Fedorov: No, I mean, I thought they got rid of you.  
Osgood: (Shrugs.) Well they said I could come back on one condition.  
Fedorov: And that condition was -- ?  
Osgood: That I recite the alphabet backwards.  
Fedorov: But that's no fair! They said if _I_ wanted to come back, I'd have to service the walking toupée with . . . (Shudder.) Sexual favors.  
Osgood: Them's the breaks. (Looks around and sniffs the air.) Something smells like death.  
~Both Fedorov and Osgood look over at Draper, who's passed out in a puddle of his own puke~  
Osgood: Don't tell me you tried to poison someone . . . Again! (Looks around. Fedorov is nowhere to be seen.) Sergei?  
Fedorov: (Is grabbing a shovel from a closet.) Yeah?  
Osgood: Um, what's the shovel for?  
Fedorov: To get rid of _that_. (Points to Draper.)  
Osgood: He's not dead. Although he does look a little . . . (Nudges Draper's body with the toe of his shoe.) Unresponsive.  
Draper: (Eyes open and he jumps to his feet.) I had the strangest sensation!  
Osgood: (Holds up hands.) I swear it wasn't me this time.  
Draper: (Eyes him and raises an eyebrow.) Well, anyway. I had an out of body sensation!  
Fedorov: You did not. John Edward made that shit up to bilk old people out of their life savings.  
Osgood: John Edward didn't invent time travel!  
Fedorov: Not time travel, brain damage. Out of body experiences. (Ladles some hair regeneration formula into a glass and hands it to Osgood.) There. Try it.  
Osgood: (Takes a big gulp, then glances at Fedorov, who is smirking at him.) I don't trust the look on your f -- (Collapses to the ground with a loud thud.)  
Draper: I don't think that was such a good idea . . . It looks like he's having a bad reaction. What the hell did you put in that stuff, anyway?  
Fedorov: Ancient Russian secret. (Sips some from ladle.)  
Draper: Is he supposed to be foaming at the mouth?  
Fedorov: (Long silence.) Oh shit.  
~they look at each other and dive for the telephone~  
-later on that day, in the hospital-  
Osgood: (Laying in bed, still knocked out.)  
Babcock: (Holding a vase of flowers.) Ahem. (Clears throat.)  
Osgood: (Wakes up and sees Babcock with flowers.) You _shouldn't_ have, Coach. I had no idea you felt that way . . .  
Babcock: (Shoves the vase into Osgood's hands.) Shut up, you idiot! These aren't from me. I stole them from the poor fool in the bed next to you. Anyway, we have business to discuss.  
Osgood: (Puts the flowers on the windowsill.) Shoot.  
Babcock: (Pulls a gun out of his pocket.) I will, don't worry. But first, what the hell were you doing in Columbus?   
Osgood: (Gestures to Draper, who's sitting by his bedside.) Drapes and I went to pay Sergei a visit!   
Babcock: Just for that you're both benched!  
Draper: You can't bench me!  
Osgood: (Clears throat.) Ahem. Forgetting someone?  
Draper: Hm. (Thinks. Long silence.) Malts?  
Osgood: No! Not Maltby!  
Draper: Fisch?  
Osgood: _No_ , you idiot! Me!  
Draper: Oh yeah. You can't bench Ozzie, Coach. (Osgood beams.) He's already _on_ the bench. (Osgood scowls.)  
Babcock: Good point. Anyway. (Cocks gun.)  
~door opens and Stevie pokes his head in and Babcock tucks his gun back inside his jacket~  
Stevie: What's up, fellas? (Has a bouquet of roses.)  
Babcock: I wasn't going to shoot him! Stop looking at me like that! (Turns and leaps out the window.)  
Stevie: (Looks at Draper.) What the hell was _that_ about?  
Draper: Long story.  
Osgood: Can I go home, Mommy?  
Stevie: For the last time, I'm not your mommy.  
Osgood: You're not?  
Stevie: No. And need I remind you how awkward it was when you tried to suckle?  
Osgood: That was a dark time in my life. Let's not talk about it.  
Stevie: That was this morning.  
Osgood: I _said_ let's not talk about it! Jeeze! (Huffs.)  
Stevie: Well, have these flowers. I stole 'em off a dead guy.  
Osgood: That's so sweet that you would rob a corpse for me.  
Stevie: Yeah, I get it from my mom.  
Draper: O- _kaaay_.  
~some time later~  
Osgood: (Waltzes into the lockerroom.) Hey guys, I'm back!  
Maltby: (Runs up and hugs him.) I missed you!  
Osgood: Ow, my spleen! (Maltby pulls away.) Haha, gotcha.  
Maltby: You ass. I brought you some flowers.  
Osgood: For the last time, Kirk, I'm not going to be your boyfriend. I'm _married_.  
Maltby: Shut up.  
~enter Shanny and Hull~  
Shanny: Happy birthday!  
Osgood: It's not my birthday, moron. I got poisoned.  
Shanny: Oh. Well. Happy poisoning! (Hands Osgood a birthday hat.)  
Osgood: Gee, thanks.  
Hull: How'd you get poisoned in the first place? Try to eat another urinal cake?  
Osgood: That was a _dare_. Anyway, Fedorov poisoned me.  
Hull: Why would he do something like _that_?  
Osgood: He's evil.  
Draper: (Flipping through TV channels.) Hey, look! Sergei's on TV! (Pause.) And this time, it's not porno.   
Fedorov: (On TV screen.) Act now, and you can receive your choice of ball point pens. Ink sold separately.   
~big bright letters flash on the TV screen~  
TV: (Flash flash flash.) BUY THE SERGEI FEDOROV HAIR REGENERATION FORMULA AND RECEIVE YOUR CHOICE OF BALL POINT PENS. INK SOLD SEPARATELY!!!!!!!!  
Draper: He gave us hair regeneration formula?  
Osgood: (Peers under his hospital gown.) Nope, nothing yet.  
Draper: Oh, we shaved you while you were sleeping. Sorry.  
Osgood: Thanks, pal. Appreciate it.  
Shanny: What a birthday, eh? (Brightly.)  
Osgood: Why don't you go play in traffic?  
Shanny: Don't mind if I do! (Leaves.)  
Stevie: Crap! He's going to get himself killed! (Turns to leave, but stops.) Oh hell, he wouldn't even be able to do _that_ right. Who am I kidding.  
~sound of screeching tires, enter Shanny~  
Shanny: (Smoke rising from body.) I have the feeling that you guys were just making fun of my intelligence.   
Osgood: And how.  
TV: (TV falls off wall and lands on Shanny.)  
Shanny: Ow. My spleen!  
Osgood (Laughs.)  
Maltby: Wait, don't we need him for the playoffs?  
Osgood: Psh, we can dress up a circus bear in his jersey. At least the _circus_ bear won't try to pick up chicks while he's in the penalty box.  
Maltby: Good point. (Kicks Shanny's corpse.) Bahaha.


	96. The One Where Stevie Retires and Nick Goes Back to Sweden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stevie retires to race a yacht in the America’s Cup, the team decides to have a wet t-shirt contest to pick the new captain, and Nick goes back to Sweden.
> 
> The Sierra Madre joke is old and stolen.
> 
> Warning for a joke about players having seizures because of flashing lights.

~team is sitting at the back of a room, facing a podium and a gray backdrop with Red Wings logos all over it~  
Draper: So, what do you think the press conference is for?  
Shanny: Obviously they are going to announce that I've finally won People's Sexiest Man of the Year.   
Maltby: They already did that issue. I think it was Johnny Depp.  
Shanny: The gay pirate?! (Teammates look at him.) Not that there's anything wrong with that.  
Fischer: I should hope not! Gay pirates are freakin' sweet!  
Osgood: What are _you_ doing here? I thought you took on a summer job.  
Fischer: I quit.  
~enter Chelios~  
Chelios: Actually, I fired him. Turns out he isn't at all qualified to be a babysitter.  
Fischer: Your kids _loved_ me.  
Chelios: Because you let them have Pixie Stix for breakfast and lunch! (Angrily.)  
Maltby: What did they have for dinner?  
Fischer: Beer! I'm the coolest babysitter _ever_!  
Osgood: Can I hire you to be _my_ babysitter?  
Draper: I thought you had a live-in nanny for Mackenzie.  
Osgood: Forget about Mackenzie! I was _talking_ about me!  
Fischer: Sure I'll babysit you, Ozzie!  
Maltby: This would make an awesome reality TV show. I wish I'd brought my video camera with me this time.  
Shanny: Shut up, I think I see Stevie! (Waves his arms.) Stevie! Hey Stevie!  
-enter Yzerman-  
Yzerman: Yes, Brendan, I see you. You can stop waving your arms like a deranged orangutan now.   
Shanny: (Sits on his hands.) What's the presser for, Stevie?  
Yzerman: I'm here to announce that I -   
Zetterberg: You discovered plutonium!  
Legace: You idiot, stop making up words!  
Zetterberg: Sorry.  
Lebda: You're going to announce what the other white meat really is?  
Holmström: Me!  
Lebda: Ewwww. (Inches away from Holmström and closer to Zetterberg.)  
Cleary: You invented a robot version of me that will have sex with my wife so I don't have to?  
Yzerman: Now why wouldn't you want to have sex with your wife? She's a fox.  
Cleary: (Cryptic.) I have my reasons.  
Shanny: I got it! (Waves his arms.) Pick me Stevie, pick me! Ooh, pick me!  
Yzerman: (Rolls eyes.) Brendan?  
Shanny: You're having a presser to announce that you won the lottery and you're giving your winnings to me!  
Yzerman: That's right, you guessed it! (Rolls eyes.)  
Shanny: Sweet! (Jumps up and runs out of room screaming. Yzerman rolls his eyes again.)  
Yzerman: Anyway, I'm here to announce I'm retiring to pursue my lifelong dream of racing a yacht in the America's Cup.   
Draper: WHAT?!  
Maltby: WHAT?!  
Osgood: WHAT?!  
Shanny: (Pokes his head back in.) WHAT?!  
Yzerman: (Walks out, cackling evilly.) I'm retiring, suckers! You're on your own!  
~re-enter Shanny~  
Shanny: Well, clearly, that leaves me as the top captain candidate!  
Babcock: Actually we're having a wet t-shirt contest to pick the next captain.   
Shanny: A wet t-shirt contest? Why?  
Babcock: Because I'm a pervert, that's why. (Tosses a bucket of water on Shanny.)  
Shanny: (Glares.)  
Maltby: Do me!   
Babcock: (Eyes Maltby.) I'll pass. (Tosses water on Draper, Draper blinks.)  
Draper: Actually, I don't think this is the best way to be picking the next captain. And Nicky's not even here.  
Shanny: Where did Nicky go?  
Fischer: He went back to Sweden!  
All: WHAT?!  
Yzerman: (Pokes his head back in.) WHAT?!  
Fischer: Nick went back to Sweden!  
Shanny: But _why_?!  
Fischer: To find the lost treasure of the Sarah Madre!  
Shanny: (Blinks.) Sarah Madre?  
Fischer: Yup! She buried treasure and Nick went to look for it!  
Shanny: Don’t you mean the _Sierra_ Madre?  
Fischer: Nope.  
Draper: What are we going to do now? We need Nick so we can have this wet t-shirt contest.  
Shanny: Obviously we have to go look for him looking for the treasure of the Sarah Madre.  
Lebda: Why don’t we just wait for him to come back?  
Shanny: (Shrugs.)  
Lebda: Okay then.  
-later on, in Sweden-  
Maltby: So where does this Sarah Madre live?  
Shanny: Well, I don’t kn -   
Holmström: (Pops up holding a complicated looking device with flashing lights.) I invented this Lidström tracking device that picks up scents members of the Lidström family send with their pheromones that are undetectable to human noses.   
Shanny: (Falls to ground and twitches.)  
Maltby: Whatever that is is giving him a seiz - (Also falls to ground and begins twitching.)  
Holmström: What? I had it set to "no seizu" - (Falls to ground as well and begins convulsing.)  
~random person comes up to them and pokes at them before rifling through their pockets for all their money and running off~  
-even later on, team is sitting in hotel room (yes all of them in one hotel room) watching the news in Swedish-  
Shanny: (To Holmström.) Anything we can go on to find Nick?  
Holmström: Nah. The reporter just said there’s a gay pride parade in downtown Stockholm.  
Draper: We’re never gonna find him.  
Maltby: Don’t think like that, Kris! We’ll find him!  
Draper: Might as well just give up and name me captain.  
Maltby: (Whacks him in the head with a pillow.) You’re such a bastard. Can’t you think of someone besides yourself?  
Draper: No.   
Maltby: That surprisingly explains a lot about you.  
Draper: What’s that supposed to mean?  
Maltby: Oh, nothing.  
Shanny: (Loud whisper.) Sounds like trouble in paradise - _gay_ paradise!  
Maltby and Draper: We heard that!  
Shanny: Crap, I forgot to whisper in my inside voice again, didn’t I?  
~enter Fischer, wearing a rainbow t-shirt with a pink triangle on front~  
Lebda: Where have _you_ been?  
Fischer: I got invited to join the parade in Stockholm! They even gave me all this free stuff. (Dumps armful of pink triangles and rainbows on one of the beds.)  
Lebda: Fisch, that was a gay pride parade.  
Fischer: They were _very_ happy and gay!  
Shanny: Not that kind of gay, Maltby-and-Draper kind of gay.  
Maltby: For the millionth time, I have a wife.  
Shanny: Hey now, there's nothing wrong with a little guy love.  
Maltby: (Punches him.)  
Lebda: Somebody’s a little touchy -  
Maltby: (Punches Lebda too and stomps off.)  
~Dom runs in waving his arms hysterically~  
Cleary: Hey Dom. What’s wrong?  
Dom: I have awful news!  
Fischer: _No_!  
Dom: Yes! Someone has broken in and stolen our secret stash of European road trip money! (Discreetly sticks some bills in his underpants.)  
Chelios: We’re stranded in Sweden! This sucks! (Gets evil looks from Holmström and Zetterberg.) What? It does!


	97. The One With the Yearly Evaluations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team decides to throw a joint birthday party for Cheli and Dom, and do their yearly offseason evaluations.
> 
> I got my timeline messed up.
> 
> This is probably my favorite part because of the Kronwall joke

~team is in the lockerroom, of course; Kronwall enters with arm in a sling~  
Chelios: What happened to you?  
Kronwall: I hurt my shoulder, and I’m going to have to have it –  
Chelios: Cool your jets, kid. I didn’t actually want to know, I was just pretending to make conversation.   
Kronwall: Oh. (Sits at his locker, dejected.)  
Lebda: Aw, don’t cry, Kronny. It’ll be okay. The sun’ll come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar – (Stops when he realizes the team is looking at him oddly.)  
Lidström: (Bangs plastic gavel.) It’s Dom’s and Cheli’s birthdays this week. To celebrate, we’re going to bake cakes and –  
Osgood: Wow, are you sure you could bake cakes big enough to hold that many candles?  
Hasek: (Boos.)  
Chelios: (Smacks Osgood in the head.)  
Osgood: It was an honest question!  
Chelios: Shut you up, whippersnapper.  
Lidström: Anyway. Who wants cake duty?  
Draper: You said duty. (Giggles.)  
Lidström: (Belabored sigh.) Yes, Kris, I said duty.  
Draper: (Giggles some more.)  
Lidström: Anyone? Or am I going to have to draw a name out of a hat? (Holds up hat.)  
Datsyuk: (Stands up and points at Lidström’s hat, hissing.) I _hate_ that hat, it never picks me. It is racist against Russians!  
Lidström: Looks like you just volunteered yourself, Pavel.  
Datsyuk: What? (Looks around.) Me no habla English! (Sits back down.)  
Chelios: You know he’s just gonna poison the cakes anyway, Nick.  
Lidström: Maybe that’s all a part of my evil plan.  
Hasek: What?!  
Chelios: What?!  
Lidström: Just kidding, guys.  
-later on in the kitchen area of the Joe Louis Arena-  
-yes, the kitchen-  
Datsyuk: Now what goes next, the chicken or the egg.  
Maltby: I don’t know how I got stuck on cake duty with you, but I’m so complaining in my upcoming yearly evaluation.  
Datsyuk: Chicken or egg, sooka?!  
Maltby: Uh, chicken and cake don’t usually mix, Pavel.  
Datsyuk: That is how we make birthday cakes back home!  
Maltby: Well, I suppose it can’t hurt. Tradition and all.  
Datsyuk: And now, for the poison –  
Maltby: Poison?!  
Datsyuk: Oh, did I say poison? I meant baking soda.  
-meanwhile, back in lockerroom-  
Draper: (Carefully filling a pie tin with shaving cream.)  
Osgood: Ooh, whipped cream! (Grabs pie tin and runs off.)  
Draper: Serves you right, moron. (Pulls another pie tin out of his locker.)  
Chelios: (Walks by.) If you pie me, I will curse you with an ancient Greek curse.  
Draper: Oh yeah? I’m not afraid of you _or_ your Greek curses!  
Chelios: You should be. Oh, you should be. (Glares at Draper menacingly.)  
Draper: (Resumes filling pie tin with shaving cream.)  
Chelios: (Says something ominous sounding in Greek and walks off.)  
Osgood: This pie sucks! (Throws it in Draper’s face and leaves.)  
Datsyuk: (Enters with Maltby, cakes in hand.) Look, I bake cakes! Look, everyone, look how beautiful they are!  
Cleary: Did you put chicken in there?  
Datsyuk: Da, this is how you make them in my hometown!  
Cleary: Oh, ew. That sounds so gross.  
Datsyuk: (Glares.) You are lucky my hands are busy with cakes, or else they would be busy slapping you across the face. (Takes cakes to his locker.)  
Cleary: He seemed to get real into that, eh?  
Maltby: Yeah, but I think he poisoned them. Again.  
Cleary: He’s done this before?  
Maltby: (Nods.) And no one’s seen Cory Cross since.  
Cleary: (Blinks.) Um.  
Fischer: (Enters hold a large box with holes poked into the top.) Hey all!  
All: Hey, Fisch.  
Lilja: What do you have in that box, Fisch?  
Fischer: It’s a surprise!  
Lilja: Is a naked girl gonna jump out of it?  
Fischer: No, I have no naked girls.  
Lilja: Lame.  
Fischer: (Opens box.) Puppies!  
Lilja: Naked girls are cooler. You can’t have sex with puppies.  
Kronwall: Aw, they’re so _cute_ , Fisch! (Moves to pick one up. Something cracks.) Owwww.  
Rafalski: That didn’t sound good.  
Chelios: He’ll be fine.  
Kronwall: (Falls onto the ground.)  
Chelios: He’s just playing dead.  
Rafalski: I think he may actually be dead.  
Kronwall: Not dead, just taking a nap on the ground.  
Hasek: (Walks in and steps on Kronwall.) The floor is squishy!  
Kronwall: Ow! Get off me!  
Hasek: (Screams.) It’s talking to me!  
Chelios: That’s because you’re stepping on Kronwall, you idiot.  
Hasek: We’re calling the floor Kronwall now?  
Chelios: No! Kronwall is on the floor and you’re stepping on him! Get off before you break something!  
Hasek: Oops, my bad. (Moves aside.)  
Kronwall: (Sits up.) Thanks Cheli. (Points at Hasek.) That’s so going on my yearly evaluation.  
Hasek: You bitch!  
-enter Lidström, his arms full of presents-  
Lidström: Boys, boys, settle down.  
Hasek: Kronwall is going to badmouth me to the yearly evaluations!  
Kronwall: I just calls ‘em like I sees ‘em!  
Hasek: I hate you!  
Lidström: (Puts down presents.) Do I need to put you two in the timeout corners?  
Hasek and Kronwall: No!  
Lidström: Okay then.  
-Babcock enters and starts handing out evaluations-  
Chelios: Yearly evaluations already? I haven’t even opened any of my presents. I’m more likely to give good evaluations if you bought me a present.   
Babcock: Mr. I, Kenny and I want to get crackin’ right away.  
Lilja: How do you know this isn’t gonna just turn into one big popularity contest?  
Babcock: You’re grown men. I figure you’ll all be responsible and smart about – (Spots Fischer holding a fish bowl on his lap.) On second thought, scratch that.  
-Babcock exits-  
Lilja: If I knew we were going to do evaluations, I would’ve bought everyone presents so that they’d pick me for Homecoming King.  
Draper: This isn’t prom, brain damage. This is serious business.  
Lilja: I’m not going to be Homecoming King?  
Draper: No. Not now, not ever.  
Lilja: Not even if Homer invents a time machine that actually works and I can then go back in time and rig the voting?  
Draper: No, not even then.  
Lilja: (Sniffles.)  
Fischer: That was rude! (Sets fish bowl in his locker.) This is my goldfish, Mr. Fishsticks.  
Osgood: You named your goldfish Mr. Fishsticks? That’s like naming a pet pig Mr. Bacon or something.  
Fischer: It is not! He likes that name. Don’t you, Mr. Fishsticks?  
Osgood: It’s a goldfish. That’s not even a real pet.  
Fischer: It is too! He’s a wonderful pet! He listens to me.  
Osgood: You talk to your goldfish?  
Fischer: Of course!  
Osgood: . . . Does he talk back?  
Fischer: What? Are you crazy? (Laughs and picks up fish bowl, exiting.)  
Draper: (Reading over Maltby’s shoulder.) “Draper doesn’t shower after games and smells like –” What! Lies! All lies!  
Maltby: Seriously, dude, your fumes are giving me a headache. Take a freaking shower.  
Draper: Hey, fuck you!  
Chelios: (Loudly.) You whore!  
Lidström: What? What’s the matter?  
Chelios: Lebda says I screwed his girlfriend!  
Lidström: But you _did_ screw his girlfriend.  
Chelios: I didn’t technically screw her.  
Lidström: Then what did you . . . (Trails off.) I probably don’t wanna know, do I?  
Chelios: Nah.  
Lebda: You would’ve if I hadn’t walked in on you!  
Chelios: Hey, it’s not like she didn’t have a hand in the matter! (Pause.) Heh heh, a hand in the matter.  
Lebda: (Pounces.)  
-lockerroom devolves into screaming, punching, kicking, yelling, hitting and biting-  
Lidström: (Sits back and sighs. Babcock walks in.) Hey coach.  
Babcock: I’ve only been gone for five minutes and you’re already at one another’s throats? What the devil is going on here?!  
Lidström: Yearly evaluations, coach.  
Babcock: Oh. Well.  
Maltby: (Shaking Draper by the shoulders.) For the millionth time, I’m not gay!  
Draper: (Choking Maltby.) Then how come you’re always pinching my ass?!  
Maltby: Because it’s just always - _there_!  
-they get pulled back into the fray-  
Zetterberg: (Biting Datsyuk.) Gmdph! Hrmph grrargle!  
Datsyuk: (Kicking Zetterberg in the crotch.) I _will_ own your soul!  
Babcock: (Pulls a watch on a chain out from behind his back and holds it up.) Cut it out this instant!  
All: (Stop what they’re doing and look at Babcock.) Yes coach.  
Lidström: Did you hypnotize them?  
Babcock: I gave them a hypnotic suggestion last week. (Dangles the watch.) You will all sit down and finish getting dressed for tonight’s game.  
All: Yes coach. (They sit at their lockers and put on their gear.)  
Lidström: How come _I’m_ not hypnotized?  
Babcock: Oh, don’t worry, you are. (Snaps his fingers.)  
Lidström: (Begins crawling around on the floor and barking like a dog.)  
Babcock: Too easy.  
-Babcock exits-


	98. I Now Pronounce You Fisch and Lebda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lebda and Fischer decide to have a fake gay marriage to get presents, while Chelios tries to stop them. Also, Shanahan crashes the party, so to speak.
> 
> This happened because some of the players made comments about gay marriage in one of the local papers.
> 
> Warning for some anviliciously overt political statements and offensive humor.
> 
> This was the last complete part I ever wrote. I am sorry world.

~team is in the lockerroom before the game~  
Lebda: I think it's pretty shitty that gays can't get gay married in California anymore.  
Chelios: Why do those gays have to gay everything up? Gay marriage, gay pride parades, gay gay gay. You don't see anybody talking about _straight_ marriage or _straight_ pride parades, do you?  
Lebda: That’s because everything’s straight, Cheli.  
Chelios: Damn straight.  
Lebda: That’s not really how I meant it, but whatevs. How would you like it if somebody came around and told you you couldn’t be married to your wife?  
Chelios: I’d _love_ it. I’ve been trying to get rid of her for _years_.  
Lebda: . . . Okay, that was a bad example.  
Chelios: Sounded fine to me.  
Lebda: Huh.  
-Fischer enters in a tuxedo-  
Maltby: Who died?  
Fischer: Nobody! This is my _wedding_ tuxedo!  
Maltby: Ooh, you’re getting married? Who’s the lucky lady?  
Fischer: Brett Lebda!  
Lebda: Hey! I’m not a lady! (Pauses.) And I didn’t say I’d marry you either.  
Fischer: You said maybe, which to me means ‘yes, of course I’ll marry you, you hunk of man meat’!  
Lebda: Ew, man meat? And I’m not even gay. Plus, gay marriage is illegal in Michigan.  
Fischer: It doesn’t have to be a real marriage with witnesses and pre-nuptial agreements and stuff! It can be like a civil union, which is almost like real marriage but not really!  
Lebda: Will we get presents?  
Fischer: Yup. Lots of presents.  
Lebda: (Shrugs.) Then count me in.  
Chelios: What about your girlfriend? Does this mean I can have her?  
Lebda: No.  
Chelios: Damn. Thwarted again.  
Holmström: I want to be the bridesmaid!  
-later on in the lockerroom-  
Chelios: (Complaining to Lidström.) Aren’t you gonna stop them?  
Lidström: How come? Does their gay wedding really bother you that much, Cheli?  
Chelios: No. Okay, yeah.  
Lidström: Well, I think it’s lovely that Brett is finally making an honest man out of Fischy.  
Chelios: Nobody actually told you this was fake, did they?  
Lidström: This is fake?  
Chelios: They’re not really getting – (air quotes) – married because it’s illegal here.  
Lidström: Oh, I knew that. They call them civil unions.  
Chelios: No, that’s not what I meant! I meant, they’re not really getting married _or_ civil unioned either! They’re not even gay for each other!  
Holmström: (Shows up in bridesmaid dress.) Do you like it? I made it myself.  
Lidström: You weren’t actually supposed to wear a dress.  
Holmström: Oh, darn.  
Chelios: It’s not even a real wedding.  
Holmström: You’re such a homophobe!  
Chelios: I am not! I like women!  
Lilja: Who’s gonna be performing the fake wedding service anyway?  
Lidström: They found a minister online.  
Lilja: Wow. He could be a creepy pedophile or a serial killer or something.  
Lidström: Like that ever bothered us before. Our trainer was a creepy pedophile _and_ a serial killer.  
-Fischer and Lebda enter in matching tuxedos-  
Lebda: The minister is on his way!  
Fischer: I’m so excited! I spent all night writing my vows.  
Lebda: Uh . . . I just stole mine off a Hallmark card.  
Fischer: Oh, uh . . . So did I! (Nervous laughter.)  
Maltby: I think Fisch was getting too into character. Haha!  
Fischer: Shut you up!  
Franzen: Why are you guys getting fake gay married anyway?  
Fischer: Because we love each other.  
Lebda: He means, for the free presents and food.  
Fischer: And the booze, don't forget the booze.  
Maltby: You stole this from the plot of that movie, _I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry_!  
Lebda: I've never even seen that movie.  
Fischer: You mean _I Now Pronounce You Fisch and Lebda_! Tee hee.  
Lebda: (Groans.) C'mon, let's get our vows.  
-Fischer and Lebda exit-  
-enter Shanny-  
McCarty: Shanny!  
Zetterberg: Shanny! I missed you! (Clings to his leg.)  
Shanny: Hey there fellas.  
Lidström: What’re you doing here, Shanny? Are you on the guest list?  
Shanny: Nah, I’m the minister. I got ordained at http://soyouwannabeanonlineminister.com over the offseason! I’m gonna be marrying these two bozos.  
Zetterberg: Ooh, threesome!  
Shanny: No, you idiot. I’m gonna be officiating their fake gay wedding.  
Lidström: As a minister, don’t you find this ruse to be – unethical?  
Shanny: Unethical? What’s that mean?  
Lidström: Nevermind.  
Chelios: I think this is the dumbest thing I've ever seen. Who's with me?  
Kronwall: You homophobe!  
Chelios: How many times do I have to say I'm _not_ a homophobe?  
Kronwall: Me thinks the lady protest - (Chelios punches him.) Ow, why'd you do _that_?  
Chelios: I ain't no lady!  
-Fischer and Lebda return-  
Holmström: Where'd you two go? You're not supposed to see each other before the wedding!    
Lebda: Someone's getting a little too into the fake gay wedding thing.  
Fischer: It's fake?  
Lebda: Dude, you knew this.  
Fischer: Oh, right. But still. Does this mean you don't really love me?  
Lebda: Something like that.  
Fischer: (Sadface.)  
Lebda: Stop looking at me like that.  
Chelios: And isn't this polygamy? Isn't Fisch already married to that Hungarian mail-order bride?  
Fischer: Nah, not anymore. She asked for an annulment.  
Chelios: How come?  
Fischer: She said she was leaving me to marry her - (airquotes) - Dom. Hasek foils me yet again!  
Maltby: Uh, that's probably not the dom she was talking about . . .  
Chelios: (Thinking out loud.) I guess I'll have to think of some other reason to bust up this gay wedding.  
Franzen: Why are you so determined to ruin their happy day? Live and let live, Cheli.  
Chelios: For one, it's embarrassing to me as their teammate and somebody who merely tolerates their presence, and not to mention it's just a _sham_ designed to get them free food, booze and presents.  
Franzen: Well, I says, if they want to get sham married, they should get sham married!  
All: Yeah!  
Chelios: (Sighs.)  
Osgood: (Enters lockerroom, throwing rose petals from a basket.)  
Maltby: I always knew there was somebody on this team that was gayer than me!  
Osgood: Shut up!  
Maltby: Just callin' 'em like I see 'em, Ozzie.  
Osgood: Says the guy who was voted Most Likely to Take It Up the Butt from Draper _and_ McCarty -  
Maltby: (Throws a javelin at Osgood's head.)  
Osgood: Ow!  
Lidström: Where'd you get that?  
Maltby: eBay.  
Lidström: Oh, right.  
Shanny: So, are you homos ready to get gay married?  
Fischer: Yeah!   
Lebda: No!  
Fischer: What?  
Lebda: I can't do it!  
Fischer: You whore! You met someone else, didn't you!  
 Lebda: You're taking this fake wedding _way_ too seriously, man.  
Fischer: This was supposed to be the happiest day of my life! (He leaves.)  
Lebda: Well.  
Shanny: Does this mean the wedding's off?  
Lebda: Looks like it.  
Shanny: Am I still gonna get paid?  
Lebda: Nah, we were never gonna pay you.  
Shanny: You fake gays are cheap.  
Lebda: Well, we were gonna pay you in chicken wings from the buffet.  
Shanny: Who do you think I am, Brett Hull?!  
Franzen: Who's going to get married now?  
Maltby: Ozzie and Homer could always get married. Homer's got the dress.  
Osgood: (Throws javelin at Maltby, Maltby ducks.)  
Shanny: (Gets hit in the face.) Ow, what the fuck.


	99. Outtakes and Random Bits

**Unfinished Chapter 106 (the numbering is off because I deleted some chapters)**

~Shanny is sitting in front of a locker, reading a newspaper~  
-enter the team-  
Draper: What're you still doing here? Aren't you trying out for other teams?  
Shanny: I'm retiring. I'm gonna buy me a shrimping boat and go hunt shrimp in the Pacific Ocean.  
Draper: You don't hunt shrimp.  
Maltby: And you stole that from _Forrest Gump_.  
Shanny: Okay, I did. So sue me.  
-enter lawyer-  
Lawer: (Slaps lawsuit in Shanny's face and leaves.)  
Shanny: Looks like I'm getting sued. Woo.  
Osgood: You're actually excited about that?  
Shanny: Who wouldn't be excited over the free publicity?  
Osgood: Normal, sane people?  
Shanny: I'm not normal, sane people.  
Osgood: Clearly.  
Shanny: There's nothing the Brendan Shanahan Public Relations Machine can't spin anyways. I'll have a phony, feel-good story in no time.  
Lilja: You're such scum.  
Shanny: Well, takes one to know one!   
Lilja: Prick. (Stomps off.)  
Draper: That was kind of harsh.  
Shanny: (Shrugs.) I don't like him.  
Kronwall: Why not? _I_ like him.  
Maltby: You also have no standards.  
Kronwall: True. Don't hate!  
-enter Hudler-  
Hudler: Hey all, guess what?  
All: What, Huds?  
Hudler: I'm going to be on _Dancing With the Stars_.  
Chelios: You can dance?  
Osgood: You're a star?

* * *

**Chapter 106: The One Where a Lot of Stuff Happened Since the Last Time You Saw Us And the Old Guys Still Hang Out With the Team Shut Up**

~Lidström walks into lockerroom and heads for Osgood’s locker~  
Lidström: Hey Ozzie, I was thinking maybe you, me, and the old ball and chains could - (Pauses.) You’re not Osgood.  
-Ty Conklin sitting in Osgood’s locker-  
Conklin: Uh, no. Osgood retired. Where the hell have you been?  
Lidström: I’ve been hiding in my nuclear fall out bunker in Vasteras since May.  
Conklin: Oh. That’ll do it.  
Lidström: Hey, you married?  
Conklin: (Warily.) Yes . . .  
Lidström: You wanna get together with me and my wife and -  
Conklin: My wife and I aren’t swingers!  
Lidström: Oh, neither are we. (Nervous laughter.)  
-Draper creeps into the lockerroom-  
Draper: (Spots Lidström.) Goddammit.  
Lidström: Oh, hey, Drapes!  
Conklin: (To Draper.) I don’t think he knows you retired.  
Draper: But I didn’t retire. (Sits in front of Cleary’s locker and tapes his name over Cleary’s. Whistles innocently.)  
Cleary: (Runs in, panting.) Where’s Draper? Has anyone seen that locker slut Draper?  
Draper: Aw, crap. You didn’t see me. (Disappears into Cleary’s locker.)  
Conklin: (Peers in.) Whuh, where’d he - (Falls in.)  
Cleary: Did Homer build a trap door into my locker again?  
Lidström: Hey, Cleary, you married?  
Cleary: For five millionth time, we’re not intere -  
Lidström: Jesus Christ, my wife and I aren’t swingers. (Leaves in a huff.)

* * *

Stevie: I totally made up that torn rib muscle thing to get people off my ass.  
Draper: What's _your_ excuse, Shanny?  
Shanny: I was decapitated.  
Draper: That would explain a lot.

* * *

**Chapter 106: Employee of the Month**

~enter Lidström~  
Lidström: Looks like we're having an Employee of the Month contest to boost team morale in the wake of all this losing.  
Maltby: Contests like these only breed contempt.  
Draper: That's because you never win and you end up challenging everyone to duels for not voting for you.  
Maltby: You just proved my point.  
Draper: _You_ proved your point.  
Maltby: Your mom.  
Draper: Okay then.  
Lidström: Anyways. We're going to do a secret ballot, and then Mr. I and Coach will count the votes. The winner gets a plaque over the urinal in the men's bathroom and a gift certificate for a Grand Slam breakfast at Denny's.  
McCarty: I'm voting for Ron Paul.  
Maltby: Ron Paul? The drag queen?  
McCarty: (Deadpan.) Yes, Ron Paul, the drag queen.  
Maltby: Ooh I love her.  
McCarty: (Rolls eyes.)  
Osgood: How is a stupid Employee of the Month contest gonna boost team morale anyways?! This is the worst idea I’ve ever heard!  
Lidström: Shut up! It sounded good in my head.   
Osgood: You said that the time you got us to forge your death certificate for you.  
Maltby: Wait, why’d we do that again?  
Osgood: He promised each of us a night with his wife.  
McCarty: Clearly that never happened, or I’d remember.  
Maltby: That dirty welsher. Welsher!

* * *


	100. The One With the Dirty Hobo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another discarded, unfinished chapter! This one was supposed to be set after the jaunt off to Sweden.

~team is walking the streets of Stockholm~  
Kronwall: This sucks. How are we gonna get home now?  
Chelios: We can sell you for European road trip money.  
Kronwall: I don’t think I like that idea.  
Franzen: I do.  
Kronwall: Why? What did I ever do to you?  
Franzen: With you gone, I can finally have your locker.  
Kronwall: You bastard.  
Maltby: Guys, guys. This fighting is getting us nowhere.  
Fischer: But the walking is!  
Osgood: I’m tired of walking. (Grabs on to Fischer.) Carry me on your back like a pack mule.  
Fischer: Get off of me! What do you think I am, your beast of burden?  
Osgood: Yes!  
Fischer: (Hangs head.) Yessir. (Lets Osgood jump onto his back. Resumes walking.)  
Shanny: I think I have a blister. Carry me, Fischy.  
Fischer: Not you too!  
Shanny: (Tries to leap onto Osgood’s back on top of Fischer, but slips and falls to the ground.) Ow.  
Draper: Serves you right, you fool.  
Shanny: (Picks himself up and dusts himself off. Stops short and points.) Ooh, look! A parade float!  
Fischer: (Throws off Osgood.) Let’s go play on it!  
Holmström: We have to go find Nick!  
Osgood: Screw Nick!  
Holmström: Ozzie!  
Osgood: I meant it with love. (Runs after Fischer and Shanny.)  
Holmström: (Sighs and follows after.)  
Shanny: We could use this float to drive around Stockholm and fight crime!  
Holmström: We’re supposed to be looking for Nick.  
Shanny: Maybe Nick’s in distress. We can just use this handy Batmobile.  
Fischer: You’re robbing from Batman?!  
Shanny: He shouldn’t’ve left his Batmobile unattended with the keys still in the ignition! (Climbs into the float and fires up the engine.) Onwards and upwards, fellas!  
~later on, in the parade float~  
Draper: Any luck in finding Nick yet?  
Holmström: Not yet.  
Maltby: I SEE HIM!  
Shanny: (Stops the float short and everyone crashes into the windshield.) That’s not him. That’s just a hobo who looks like him.  
Maltby: Damn.  
Shanny: A hobo that looks just like him and has a Norris Trophy in a shopping cart.  
Lebda: That must be Nick!  
Lilja: But what happened to him?  
Lebda: No time for that now! (Rolls down window.) Hey Nick! It’s us! We’ve come to save you!  
Hobo: Ja?  
Maltby: I don’t think that’s him.  
Lebda: Then what’s he doing with Nick’s Norris?  
Shanny: (Gets out of the float and runs up to the hobo.) Where’d you get that Norris? Oh my God, you stole it from Nick’s cold, dead body, didn’t you! You killed Nick! (Grabs him.)  
Draper: (Grabs onto Shanny.) Shanny, no!  
Shanny: LET ME AT HIM!  
Hobo: I stole this ashtray fair and square!  
Shanny: Where’s Nick?!  
Hobo: Who?  
Draper: Nick Lidström, legendary NHL defenseman! And pitchman for Magic energy drink!  
Hobo: Oh yeah, that guy. He went that way. (Points in opposite direction.)  
Shanny: Well, let’s go!  
~they go~  
-later on-  
Lebda: I think that hobo was lying to us.  
Datsyuk: I have blisters.


	101. The Behind the Penalty Box canon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few years ago I went through some of the chapters and compiled a list of BTPB "canon."

\- Sean Avery is known as Chode after rejecting Soap and Potsy as nicknames.  
\- For some reason that's never made clear, Fedorov is known as Freds.  
\- Tomas Holmström has a half-brother named Hardy McAss who has multiple personalities and stars in gay porn.  
\- Stevie Y. has a split (and very evil) personality.  
\- Pavel Datsyuk is actually secretly evil and plotting world domination.  
\- Dom, Cheli, and Manny have all been arrested.  
\- Boyd Devereaux belongs to five cults and is fairly well adjusted.  
\- Maltby is in the closet.  
\- Holmström invents things with no practical use, such as a time machine and a Lidström tracking device.  
\- They beat the Detroit Tigers in a baseball game during the 2002 season on a walkoff, uh, throwing-the-baseball-at-the-runner-on-third's-head play.  
\- Ilitch has an illegitimate son named Cletus.  
\- Shanahan is a pathological liar.  
\- Shanahan is narcissistic.  
\- Shanahan is secretly in love with Stevie Y., and at the same time resents him deeply.  
\- Cheli and Duchesne had a relationship.  
\- Shanahan had an evil clone named Clone Shanny but Brett Hull killed it.  
\- Robert Lang has been arrested twice.  
\- Dom has an "adopted" child team mascot named Daisy.  
\- Cujo and Dom had a goalie duel to determine the starting goalie.  
\- Fischer, Devereaux, Avery, Fedorov and Dom started a boyband named Hot Ice. Their CD only sold six copies; three to Duke, one to Fischer, one to Stevie Y.'s daughter Isabella, and one to Barry Melrose. (Fedorov made several thousand bootleg copies.)  
\- Dom has won the lottery.  
\- Dom also maintains a website called http://haseksex.org  
\- Robitaille is afraid of clowns.  
\- Sergei is afraid of nothing.  
\- Lidström is afraid of cockroaches.  
\- Duke is afraid of nuns.  
\- Draper is afraid of bears.  
\- Maltby is afraid of commitment.  
\- When he was ten years old, Luc Robitaille murdered a clown.  
\- Dom had his own late night talkshow, the Dominik Hasek Fun Hour, that was taken off the air.  
\- Devereaux had the Boyd Devereaux Funk-a-delic Groove Experience. That was probably taken off the air too.  
\- Zetterberg owns the record for climbing up the protective netting behind the goals the fastest. Larionov came in second.  
\- The Joe is controlled by the Sicilian Mafia.  
\- Larionov double majored in physics and biology and double minored in psychology and ancient Latin at the University of Berlin during the strike.  
\- the team was named the Sexiest Sports Team by People Magazine in America 2003.  
\- Avery moonlights as a male exotic dancer during the offseason.  
\- Lidström is really a clone; the clone killed the real Lidström after the 2000 Conference semifinals.  
\- McCarty once ate a seven foot long sub sandwich on his own.  
\- Fedorov has been divorced twice. From Anna Kournikova, and a mail-order bride named Hortense.  
\- Jimmy Hoffa is buried beneath the Joe Louis ice surface.  
\- Maltby married a wallet picture model.  
\- Fedorov tried to poison Osgood with hair regeneration gel.  
\- Fischer really wanted to go to college and work for the EPA but instead became a hockey player.  
\- Datsyuk has tried to poison the team twice.  
\- David Aebischer set himself on fire trying to see into his head with a Q-tip he lit on fire.  
\- Aebischer also swallowed a balloon of crack.  
\- Patrick Roy swallowed his Stanley Cup rings.  
\- Max Kuznetsov was arrested for shaking his ass at the government.  
\- Shanahan has a misshapen left testicle.  
\- Steve Duchesne put out his own dictionary.  
\- Richard Matvichuk had his name legally changed to Dicky Dorian Matvichuk.  
\- Derian Hatcher belongs to an underwater ballet club.  
\- Hull set Dom up on a phony assault charge.  
\- Maltby, Chelios, and Lang all have lawyers for various reasons.  
\- Maltby grew a Z.Z. Top beard over the lockout.  
\- The British dude in the black turtleneck was originally an Eric Lindros concussion-induced hallucination, but both Lindros and Darryl Sydor have seen him. And in an unfinished chapter, all the players were going to see him.


	102. Bitch I'ma Cut You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was going to be a crossover chapter between the Wings and Ilitch's other team, the Tigers.

~the Detroit Tigers walk into Mike Ilitch's backyard, under a banner that says ILITCH FAMILY REUNION ~~1987~~ 2005 in bad penmanship~  
Maroth: Mr. Ilitch, I brought blueberry muffins!  
Robertson: (Looks around.) Where is everyone?  
Pudge: We been had!  
Maroth: (Face falls.) So I baked these muffins for nothing?  
Robertson: I'll eat them. Gimme. (Grabs for them.)  
Shelton: I see something moving in the bushes. (Points.)  
~Brendan Shanahan steps out from behind the bushes~  
Shanny: What a rip. I was told there would be a stripper jumping out of a giant cake.  
Wilson: Who are you?  
Shanny: (Eyes Vance.) Who are you? You don't look like my damn stripper cake.  
Wilson: Luckily for me, I'm not your damn stripper cake. Where's Mr. and Mrs. Ilitch?  
Shanny: You're not here for Kirk Maltby's bachelor party?  
Wilson: You're not here for the Ilitch family reunion?  
~Hatcher rolls in a keg~  
Hatcher: Awsome, the entertainment is he -- (Trails off.) Ok, did Fischer mess up and hire male strippers again?  
Infante: *Watch who you're calling strippers, neanderthal!*  
Hatcher: (Eyes the Tigers.) I know how Malts is only marrying Wendy for show and all, but this is really going too far.  
Johnson: (Puts a hand on Omar's shoulder.) We're not strippers, crotch stain, we're the fucking Tigers!  
Hatcher: How cute, they have a routine. (Points at JJ and Omar.) Which one's Siegfried and which one's Roy?  
Johnson: RAWR!  
-enter everybody else, in a very convenient and time-saving manner-  
Fischer: (Comes in with his arms full of balloon animals.) Hey everyone! Look what I made!

\--

Wilson: These uniforms are made out of burlap sacks.  
Shanny: Well, at least we get real uniforms because Toupée loves us the bestest.  
Wilson: Your uniforms are nothing but plastic rain parkas you bought at Sam's Club in bulk for ten bucks and a hubcap!  
Robertson: (Wearing an Idaho Potatoes sack.) A hubcap you stole from my car!  
Shanny: It's not my fault you left your car unattended!  
Robertson: It is your fault I left my car unattended! You offered to car-sit!  
Shanny: Have you ever heard of a car-sitting service before, brainiac?  
Robertson: There's a first time for everything!  
~enter Datsyuk and Infante~  
Datsyuk: (Wearing a cardboard box. Points at Infante and hisses.) *That bitch ate the last blueberry muffin.*  
Infante: (Wearing a dirty, torn Winnie the Pooh costume two sizes too small.) *I stole that cupcake from Datsyuk fair and square!* (Licking crumbs off lips.)  
Pudge: Mr. I has us living in squalor! This is insulting! I have eleven Gold Gloves, nineteen MVPs and a stripper named Jiggle! I demand respect!  
Wilson: When did you get nineteen MVPs? You haven't even been playing for that long.  
Pudge: I stole A-Rod's MVP during his welcome-to-Texas housewarming party. And I bought Vlad Guerrero's off eBay.  
Wilson: That still doesn't account for the other --  
Pudge: Shut you up.  
Wilson: But you don --  
Pudge: La la la, not listening. (Plugs fingers in ears and begins to whistle.)  
Draper: (Aside, to Maltby.) I think we've finally met our match.

**Author's Note:**

> The author of this piece intends no insult, slander, or copyright infringement, and is not profiting from this work. This story is a complete work of fiction and does not necessarily reflect on the nature of the individuals featured. This is for entertainment purposes only. If you found this story while Googling your name or the names of your friends, hit the back button now.


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